I am OW w/ OC. I have just learned that OC has growth hormone deficiency that could be caused by 1) a tumor on brain - this puts pressure on glands that produce hormone (which is in the brain) and it can't do its job or 2) the hormone in the brain that produces this just doesn't work right. Either way, he will require shots until he is 17-18 years old. If the #2 is true, it's really not a big deal at all...diabetics take shots everyday. If the 1st is true, I believe it's pretty significant. The possibility exists - we just won't know until the MRI is done.<p>MM has no contact with OC, which is fine by me - I've accpted the responsibility and I consider single parenting a consequence of my very bad judgment.<p>So, the question is, do I tell MM about OCs condition? Part of me says NO WAY - if he wanted to know how the child was doing he would check in once a year or something. The other part of me says - ABSOLUTELY, if it turns out that it is #1, it could be very serious and I don't want anyone to have to live with regrets. <p>So, what do you think? OC will be 4 in January.

Hi Justme, <p>I am sorry to hear of your child's condition, I will pray for him.<p>Well, I am not really sure whether you should tell the father or not, most especially since he has never had any contact w/oc? First of all, what could he do to remedy the situation? What type of response are you expecting from him? We have no contact with oc at all however we do provide support..I am sorry I don't have an answer for you, I just want to send you my thoughts and prayers to you and your son..<p>Take Care,<p>Butterfly

<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: butterfly ]</p>

I am on the other end of things from you. My H had affair, produced OC. If you are raising OC on your own with no help from MM, no contact, etc., I don't think you should tell him about the situation. He has made a decision that you have respected so far...he has presumably gone on with his life...this is the way you both "agreed" for things to be. You and OC are not part of his life and maybe it's best not to complicate matters. Have you thought about why you would contact him? What would be the point? Do you want him back in your life? I don't think contacting him would serve any useful purpose.<p>Again, I am on the other end of things and I wish the OC in my H's life would just disappear and let me go on with my life.

Just a thought...how about waiting for the results of the MRI before deciding if you're going to contact him.

I think that since you both agreed that there would be no contact ever, that may have also implied the notion of no contact no matter what, even in the case such as this. I could understand if the child needed a transplant of some sort and you needed to see if the father would be a match or something like that...(although matches are never biological parents), but anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to wait and see what the true results are of the medical condition, then you can pray about it asking God for wisdom on the matter. If you feel that MM needs to know for whatever reasons - i would write a letter and wait for a response. <p>Does MM send Child support?<p>It sounds like you realize the mistakes that you made in the past and take responsibility for your sin. Keep praying for your situation and God will lead you where you need to go.<p>Good luck and God bless,
Julia

Justme,<p>I am so very sorry to hear of your little ones condition. It must be heartbreaking to watch your child go through such a thing. My brother was a diabetic and it seemed to destroy my mom to give him shots everyday, although you sound like you are a lot more stable emotionally. ( I hope so.........my mom went a bit overboard).<p>Anyways, I am the wife of H who created oc, I guess as most here are. My opinion is a bit different, although I do agree you should wait til you know more defiantely what is going on with your child. Then I would way what this condition means to the child, i.e, is it fatal. <p>We have limited contact with ow off and on....never seen oc except in pics. But even I would want to know if something like that was going on, but I think that depends on what the wife can handle or what stage of recovery she is on. I dont guess that you would know that. If this greatly effects child maybe you could send a short note in the mail and explain that you are just sharing info and not trying to stir up any feelings and apologize in case it does.<p>Its a tough question, but I have lost s few people in my life lately and death has become a reality to me. I personally, would regret not knowing in advance if something were to happen to oc. My H may very well want to see her once before she passes, or he may not, but I would not deny him the knowledge.<p>Does that make sense? I know I am rambling. I am a rollarcoaster of emotions (I will blame that on the pregnancy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) <p>I will be praying also for your little one and for you wisdom in this situation.<p>Love<p>broken_wings

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justme:
<strong>...MM has no contact with OC, which is fine by me - I've accpted the responsibility and I consider single parenting a consequence of my very bad judgment...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>First of all <<<<HUGS>>>> I know the feeling and I can relate totally to this statement. So now, part of the responsibility of being a single parent is facing these tough, life-threatening illnesses and diagnoses alone.<p>My OC has terrible allergies and has been hospitalized several times for days at a time with asthma and just last year, suffered a collapsed lung. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] He's fine now, but still, I know how you feel. May God be with you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justme:
<strong>So, the question is, do I tell MM about OCs condition? Part of me says NO WAY </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Then don't. My motto is, "If you have a doubt, then that means don't." If everything in you is not screaming absolutely, then don't do it. Your job now is to protect your son from further rejection from his biological father. And believe me, your son has already experienced enough.<p>Good luck and my prayers are with you. Always remember that the doctors can be wrong. They don't have the final say. God has the final say. Trust God & keep the faith!<p>[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

justme,<p>You know XMM (and his wife)'s feelings on the matter better than we do. Similar to you, I'd let it go if it's just the shots, but consider telling him if OC has a brain tumor... My H would want to know if it was his OC, but some will NEVER want to know no matter what (for any number of good reasons). <p>I truly hope your son will be 100% healthy.
J

Well, the good news is that MRI showed no tumor. The bad news is that the cost of growth hormone treatment is anywhere from $2,500 to $3,500 per MONTH. Yes, per month. I know that, on my own, I can not afford what my insurance does not cover. God forbid I loose my job or something.<p>I guess I am going to be a terrible person if I ask MM for 1/2 of OCs medical expenses. Obviously I did not have knowledge of OCs medical condition when I entered into the "agreement". It's eiher ask for 1/2 or son doesn't get treatment. There is just no way that I can afford it. <p>In your case, would you be willing to help with OCs medical expenses even if you had nothing to do with the child?

Justme,<p>Well, the question here would be, what did the "agreement" say about medical care for your S? I did go back a little to read your past posts, to see if I could get any answers there before I offered my opinion, but didn't have tons of time to read everything. I did notice in the thread in 2001, that you said you received one lump sum. What did that include? If the agreement stated that you were now solely responsable to this child, including medical expenses, then, no, do not contact the xMM! That would be breaking your agreement with them! If it stated in there that the exception would be unexpected medical, then yes, contact them.<p>JMHO<p>Tigger

Just a thought, if you have financial difficulties and have to turn to Medicare/state aide for your child's medicine you may not have any choices here regardless of your agreement. The states do not usually allow the father to get of what it perceives as his obligation to the child. Once the state gets into it all previous agreements are null and void unless the state is willing to accept them. My H had an agreement for support that was $200 less than what we pay now because OW lost her job and had to go on welfare. She has a job now, but they never readjusted or recognised the previous agreement. We provide the insurance and split the difference if there is any.We always provided medical insurance. So you might want to contact him if this is going to cause you financilly problems, better you than the state. We have all seen how much the states like to screw over the WS and his family. So out conderation for him you might let him know. See if he could add your son to his insurance also, then your insurance could cover what his doesn't or vice-versa. Surely somthing amenable can be worked out. Write him a letter, send him information concerning your son's condition and ask him what he is willing and able to do under these circumstances.
Again, whether you want to or not, whether the wife can handle it or not, legally he is responsible for the child under these circumstances and the state you live in will gladly contact them for you, but I can tell you from experience, I resent the state more than the OW at this point.
Texasgirl

Just a question......what if MM weren't even around? Dead, moved,or unable to reach him. What would you do then? Would you find a way to pay for your son's treatments or just figure that there was no way for you to do it on your own, so son just wouldn't get treatment. <p>I'm pretty sure that there is something called an Indigent Program for meds. I would think that you would qualify.<p>It sounds like you wanted to get in contact with mm anyways before you even knew the results of the test. Are you missing him and wanting him back in your life? <p>I hope that things work out for you all.<p>tinlizzy

justme,<p>Texasgirl has a strong point. I would let him know some way shape or form. I would advise "not making it a secret" to the MM. Not that you would, or have, but I know I might have been more open to alot of things with the OC if they wouldn't have been done without the "sneaking behind my back-affair sorta behavior". Does that make sense? I mean the W might be more open to helping if she feels you are addressing her and MM?? I do know if my H's OC was sick and needed extra money for healthcare, I wouldn't mind helping if I knew the money went to that and only that. Example, H writing a check to the doc instead of OW directly. Every child deserves the greatest opportunities out of life, no matter how they are conceived. I am so glad to hear that it is not a tumor, not that this is great, but it is better than the latter. I, myself am a diabetic, I take up to 8 shots a day to control the diabeties. I will say honestly, with a little time, the shots become as insignifigant as breathing, really. On a side note, if your child has to take shots, the doctor can recommend very short, thin needles..make all the differance. I am sorry went off a litte there. But I would tell him, I as a W would not want any child to give up health and perhaps life, for my feelings.

We specifically settled on having to pay 66% and our OW pays 34% of all medical expenses...state or no state...actually we settled out of court with the state being really angry at OW...they wanted their "cut"...I don't advise the state route...<p>But we have no contact and we do shoulder the brunt of medical responsibilites.<p>I have a daughter from a previous marriage who is bi-polar and her meds cost about $240 a month...my ex-hubby generously pays $200 a month for TWO children...my Hubby now pays $400 a month for one child. (State wanted $600 a month)<p>I don't know what to advise...I guess we figured that we have to pay anyways...even with no contact, so we arranged that we would have to pay it that way.<p>If I had to pay that much amount for hormone shots, I don't know what I would do...that's alot of money...and your insurance doesn't cover it?<p>Please keep us updated...I find this interesting.
Hope you find a solution that works for you.<p>Twiisty

Just a question......what if MM weren't even around? Dead, moved,or unable to reach him. What would you do then? Would you find a way to pay for your son's treatments or just figure that there was no way for you to do it on your own, so son just wouldn't get treatment.
"I'm pretty sure that there is something called an Indigent Program for meds. I would think that you would qualify.<p>It sounds like you wanted to get in contact with mm anyways before you even knew the results of the test. Are you missing him and wanting him back in your life? <p>I hope that things work out for you all."<p>I think that is very cruel. I can't believe you would say somthing like that. I don't believe that she is missing MM and looking for a way to get him back. That's why she is worried about contacting him about this - she doesn't want him to think that. She's concerned about her child. And yes, I think she should tell him about the child's medical condition and ask for any help she can. MM is not dead, he's alive and kicking. Why pretend he is dead? To make some point that as a single mother, you can do it on your own? Why not ask for help when you need it? He's the biological father for God's sake! Granted, a crappy one at that.<p>Shame on you tinlizzy. This is supposed to be a supportive board.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted to know that I will pray for you and your little one, I will pray for your guidance and for God to show you the right path. (((((((((hug))))))))

See www.health24.co.za and click on cybershrink<p>He answers your questions sufficiently and quickly<p>Carol

Shannon1, <p>You aren't going to make me feel bad and full of shame. I am not a cruel person, although you seem to think otherwise.<p>I was posing a question to Justme so that she might look at things in a different light, examine it, throw it away, or use it. You don't know what she thinks anymore than I do.<p>I was in no way telling her to let the child die and if I did, I'm just a poster here out in cyberland, my word is not law.<p>This is a site for support and marriage building. I know where I am, thank you.<p>If they did make a prior agreement of some sort, then she just might have to pretend that mm's dead. I don't know. She's the only one who has all the facts and she's the only one who knows what she wants from mm. <p>tinlizzy (who will not be shamed for posing a question, who loves children, who is not the devil in disguise,)<p>Justme, I really do hope that things work out in a way that supports the best interests of all involved. If I offended you and you thought my post was hate-filled, it was not and I apologize if it came across that way.