This is my situation,<p> H and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6 years no children. <p> H met a woman online in Jan of last year because he needed someone to talk to ( we were having problems, but he would never talk to me ) As time progressed they went on from just being friends to getting closer and developing feelings for one another, In July H and OW began sexual relationship and she became pregnant in September. <p> D day for me was Nov 8 (affair) Nov 10 (found out about pregnancy). On first D- Day I attempted suicide because I was so distraught , I could not understand WHY!!( and I still dont), I have done alot of crying, seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist, arguing, LB in the beggining, took of 2 months of work for me, and this is where we are now.<p> It has been about a month from D Day. H at first said that he wanted to spend every moment with child, but was afraid to leave me for OW because he does not know her that well. OW could not believe that he did not automatically leave me, yes he is still here, but I do not know if that is the best thing for me. I have met and talked to OW. I do not know if that was the best thing for me to do, you all may be yelling at me for how stupid I could be, but H told me that she would be a part of our lives NO MATTER WHAT, my arguement was in what capacity, if it is for OC I understand if it is for H, HELL NO!!, H heard both of us crying , her in one ear for him to leave me , me in the other for him to stay. About two weeks ago I decided that I would no longer cry about WHY, or How could you, I decided that the behavior I was showing was just pushing him away farther. So I no longer LB. Husband is still contemplating wether he wants to get a place of his own so that we can work on our marriage from a distance, My reply is you do whatever you think you need to do, wether I am in your life or not. I will not accept him seeing her but I do allow him to talk to her. I tried the NO CONTACT but that to would push him away. I get so damn upset with myself because I dont understand why I am so concerned with pushing him away. I start thinking, why am I here putting up with this when I didnt do anything, granted I may have done things or acted ways that gave H the oppurtunity to do this , but it still was not reason enough for him to do what he did. H told me over lunch yesterday that if in January (this is his big month) he decides to stay home and work on us from home, he is telling OW that she is not to call him unless it involves the child. I guess its just a waiting game, what got me to come tell my story again, is that it is so hard for me to not complain about him talking to her, if she calls him he will talk for 15-20 minutes on the phone, If I call him he says "whats wrong?"
"why are you calling?" and our whole conversation lasts 5 minutes max. Another thing he is doing is buying her something for Christmas, what the hell, he has not bought me nothing. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p> I dont know what to do, or how to deal with this , yes I am Jealous, and working hard to trust again, but it seems impossible and he has not made me feel that he loves me instead he is floating back and forth. I dont know where we are, I dont know where we will be, and I dont know if I can take much more of this. Thank you all for your support you are awesome...<p>Jessica<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: Jessica26 ]</p>

Jessica plan b now. Ready or not. Preserve your love. I think it's high time he decides what is most important.<p>Do not...I repeat...do not put up w/anything you are uncomfortable with!<p>Speak up and pray dear sweet Jessica. Ow and C will never amount to more than the comfort of you two....I'll bet on it.<p>It's so early. My H was acting crazy then too. Just do not swallow more than you can right now.<p>NO Christmas presents should be bought! Damn it!<p>Honey I will lift you up in prayer for peace tonight.<p>love
Debi

Oh Jessica,<p>Your story reminded me of my husband's emotional affair with a mutual bestfriend shortly after d-day of OW/OC. <p>My H fell into a huge fog about the emotional satisfaction he was getting from her and really and truely believed that she and he could remain friends while still working on this marriage.<p>It took being centimeters away from divorce for him to realize that he needed some help to see things more clearly. And you've probably heard me tell the story about how we prayed out loud together.<p>From what I'm reading it sounds as if your H is still in his fog. The fog makes them believe that they can be friends with the OW and still be "married" to you. They forget that marriage is more than just not sleeping with another, it's about being emotionally available to only your wife. They don't get that when they are in the fog.<p>I'm no expert on Plan B. Perhaps some of the MB experts here can give you some insight on how it works. But meanwhile... read some of Harley's stuff on Plan B. You might find that it's in order for you.<p>Oh, and by the way, at some point you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you must stop being afraid of pushing him away. Because keeping him close in in this condition (the fog) is far worse than him being away learning how to miss you.<p>You know the old saying... if you love it... set it free, if it comes back... it loved you too.<p>Before you jump on Plan B... remember sometimes the OW's reality knocks them out of the fog. I've heard of stories of OW verbally and physically attacking W and this has caused WS to come to W's defense. Is OW very calculating?<p>Maybe she'll slip up and get desperate.<p>Think about your next move very carefully. You know your husband... think about what would get his attention more sugar or vinegar. I know with mine sugar didn't get squat.<p>good luck and keep us posted,
Z.<p>p.s. I also posted under your other thread.<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</p>

like Gem said,
NO WAY, NO CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR OW! DAMN IT...
is he crazy? he must be...<p>Yes, you must pray for h to have clear vision and wisdom, he needs to put you first... ooh that just erks me that he would even THINK of buying her ANYTHING!<p>Like my pastor once told me to tell my H... "if you are going to live like you are married to ANOTHER woman, then pack up your bags and leave"... Your h should not be staying on the phone that long with ow. If you feel uncomfortable (and i sure would), then you listen to the conversation on another phone, my h let me do that in the beginning, but now (thank God) he doesn't communicate with her like he doing before.<p>You, your marriage come first. When that is stable and strong, then oc is second priority. OW should not even be a thought in your h's head (although impossible i'm sure), but she doesn't matter!!! So therefore, no gifts, no chit chat!!<p>Keep praying, God is listening
Julia

Julia, I sure wish I had YOUR pastor to talk to way back when....<p>He is totally right.<p>So is Zebrababy.<p>Plan b allows him to miss you.<p>I followed it last spring and became a stronger person in 6 weeks. I was ready to file for D. I just knew my sanity depended on getting on in life. Painful? Yes. Not as painful as living daily waiting for the other shoe to drop. Worrying if he was lying to me.<p>H became miserable and ANGRY, at me!! He said some pretty nasy things and then magically appeared back home one day telling me we at least have to try! He'd be "best H a woman could want and learned a tough lesson that would never be repeated"<p>I STILL kept attorney appt. After she and I spoke, she said "He sounds as if you won't be needing my services" "Give it a try, if it doesn't work out, call me and best wishes, Debi"<p>Just a page from my book of life.<p>Maybe others will come along to tell you of plan b.<p>prayers,
Debi