I have read all through the marriage builders website, been to two different psychologists and still cannot find the help that I am looking for.
Here is my story. I have been married for 14 yrs and we had almost a perfect relationship.We were best friends, did almost everything together.Shared the same interest. We have a wonderful little girl. We began to develop problems but looking back, I know they were fixable.There was one problem we had throughout most of our marriage and that was I didn't look at him like he looked at me. I didn't find him attractive and that effected us in bed. I haven't figured out why that was.I admired him, I was proud of him...he has always been patient with me. But things got alittle out of control and in the end I found myself attracted to another man. We have been separated for a year now and in this time I have explored my feeling for this other man. I found that I am able to make love with passion. Something that I didn't think I was capable of.
But I want this passion to be with my husband. He is still willing to take me back even after being with another man. But I need to know if it is possible to feel this with my husband. I don't want to hurt him more then I already have. I want my family back. Can anyone help?

Ok, you are having an affair. This will jaundice your view of your H and your marriage.

You can begin to find your H attractive through changes in both yourself AND your husband. The first thing you need to do is stop comparing him to the OM. You need to break of any and all contact permanently with the OM (end the affair) before your marriage has a chance of recovery.

Welcome to MB.

No!NO! It's not as easy as your making it out to be and I need to know how,if it is possible to pysically love my husband. If anything, I am camparing my husband to this OM. AND, not that I am justifing myself but I told my husband the first time I kissed this OM because I am not a lier and I knew it was wrong. I think it is hard to give advise with so little knowledge on one situation. What I am looking for is someone to send me in the right direction, for me, to seek some sort of counseling. It has to start with me.
This affair didn't jaundice my view of my husband. For most of my marriage I didn't care to have sex. I thought something was wrong with me and that was just the way it was. But there isn't anything wrong with me sexually.I have just recently dicovered that. So why is it that I can make love to this OM and not to my husband.
I know that I have to get rid of this OM, that's obvious. That's not what I want to know.
Is it possible to become pysically attrative to someone. That's what I need to know.
Thanks for trying anyways, Takola

Sorry Lydia, but I have to agree with Takola.

As long as you are comparing your H to OM, you are not going to be able to find the attractiveness in H.

Its like if you have a BMW and a Hyundai in your drive way. "Wow the BMW is nice, Who cares about the Hyundai"

You take away the BMW and the Hyundai is a nice car.

You may still wish you had a BMW, but soon you like your comfortable, reliable Hyundai and wouldn't trade it for anything.

You must have been physically atracted to him at one time. What is it that attracted you to him.

You know that you are capable of the passion. Rather than try to find what makes you unatracted to him, Find what does attract you. Is he aware of this, and is there something that can be done to improve himself to be more attractive to you?

Is he physically deformed or do you just not have the lust for him anymore?

Was your passion with OM brought on by the excitement of A?

No!NO! It's not as easy as your making it out
No one said it would be easy.

Tak did write, "You can begin to find your H attractive through changes in both yourself AND your husband. The first thing you need to do is stop comparing him to the OM. You need to break of any and all contact permanently with the OM (end the affair) before your marriage has a chance of recovery."

Tak didn't write it would be the only thing you needed to do.

So why is it that I can make love to this OM and not to my husband.
Probably because he is NOT your husband.
Whatever problems (physical, mental, whatever) are between you and your h, they are not present with om. Also, it is an affair and people find themselves doing things in an affair they would NEVER, EVER do with their spouse.

Sorry if I sound cruel but if your family meant as much to you as you say.....you would not have climbed into bed with another man.

Knowing there was an issue for so long and not seeking professional counseling doesn't sound like someone who was REALLY sincere in solving the problem....more like using it as an excuse.

Hi 'wish I were home'-the way I am comparing my H to the OM is not physically but....I guess I speak about my H proudly, the way he does or goes about things, in that sort of way(that probally doesn't make sense). Here's a weird thing, in the last three years we spent together, nothing seemed to please him. He developed quite a negative personality. Do you know how hard it is to live with someone like that? And yes we spoke of this often. He would wake up crouchy. (he smoked pot, I didn't.which was always ok with me until the end when he would only be happy when he smoked alittle) and there was alot of times that I wished he would smoke just so he more enjoyable to be with. Anyhows. Even though he developed a lousy personality I still speak of him with respect. And suprisingly vice-versa.
I don't think I was really ever physically attrated to him. When I met him, I thought he was interesting looking.(he knows this)What attracted me to him was we had things in common. There was a feeling..something..a good feeling about him.
He's not an overly attrative man,but I know at one time I thought he was because he was my H and I was proud to be his wife. But you know when a person is ugly on the inside, they become ugly on the outside. That is what happened.
Also, I am a very pretty lady.I have a hard time saying that, let alone tying it because I am...I don't know why I have a hard time admitting it. My point, my H always said I was beautiful yet at times he would try and improve me.'wear a little more make up, wear this piece of clothing or that' When he would touch me it would mean sex. He had porno mags and vids. And that got to the point when I just became revolted. Thinking of my husband sexually disgused me.
I have never lusted for my husband, (aren't you supposed to lust your spouse?) I have always yearn for that feeling. Wanting to look at him and run up and kiss him, jump his bones! But that's not the way it was.
I have to say that this passion for this OM was NOT brought on by this A. If anything this relationship has been stressful. Mostly because I beleive that I am not supposed to be sleeping with anyone other then the man I married. I am struggling with this separation. As I said earlier. I have a 5 yr old child and I won't bring this OM in on her life because he may not stay in her life.
It's hard for me to think of this as an affair when it is out in the open. When we separated I began to see this man and my husband knew about it.
I know in my heart that this OM is not right for me. And you are right, I need to get rid of him before any change can begin.
I like your discription of H and OM by using cars!! By the way, I am in the market for a new vehicle,have any for sale!!! (Just kiddin',I need humor to lighten my load, hope you don't mind)

One more thought 'wish i were home'. I was never one to look at any man in a sexual way. So why now. How is it that all of the sudden I develope these feelings? Thanks 'wish i were home.

To Chirs.What do you mean by PEOPLE FIND THEMSELVES DOING THINGS IN AN AFFAIR THAT THEY WOULD NEVER EVER DO WITH THEIR SPOUSE?Thanks Chris

And to Pegasus959

And sorry if I sound cruel but maybe someone should cut off your head like they did with Medusa. You must have missed the part where I wrote that I did see several psychologists. I have admitted to my mistakes. I am not looking for critiztism, I am seeking intellegent advice, help in someway. If you have nothing helpful to say, don't say anything at all! Please.

(these are my opinions only)I believe if you have never really found someone truly attractive to you (no 'fire')-no matter how much you love or admire them, you cannot re-ignite a fire that was never there. You can love them with all your heart, but that cannot change the sexual attraction factor.
I also know from experience that even if you DID once have a 'fire' for someone, when a person does things to you (deception, smart-as* insults in front of other people, treating you like you are 'second fiddle' in their affections....are a couple of examples)....that the 'fire' can be put out because you (I) no longer feel that they truly love - and you are a mere receptacle for THEIR desire/wants. I also believe there is a much better chance of regaining some of the passion if at least there WAS some.
And to top it all off.....(and again, I speak from experience) - it seems that you can have this tremendous physical attraction at first, but as time goes on, the sex becomes more 'tame' - and you accept the fact that sex is more an expression of intimacy and caring than an explosive charge of 'animal' lust. Not that animal lust is bad. I've had it over the years and enjoyed it thoroughly, but I don't think it is possible for all people to maintain that sense of urgency over passing time.
So, what you have felt for the other man - in the long run, it will most likely dissipate - so you had best take a good long look at him and see if he has qualities that you really can live with. But overall....no, I don't think you can make yourself want someone sexually.
This might sound quite off the wall - but if you truly WANT to try to desire your husband....I wonder if hypnosis would help. They can do it for weight loss, they can do it for smoking...they can make people bray like a donkey......maybe you should call a registerd, licensed hypnotist and see if it is possible.
(Come to think of it....I might do that myself).

I agree with CLK. I dated many men in my life and had three long term relationships before i met my husband.

Two of the three relationships, I felt passionate and was chemically attracted to the men.

One long term relationship had NO passion, And it was impossible to develop some.

I was never attracted to this man from the start thought he was a nice man and we cared for each other. All I felt was "friendship" type love and I did not like having sex with him.

So, I do feel if it is not "there", then it is not gonna be there, ever. You marry somebody for who you feel only friendship for and then you suffer. Sex becomes drudgery, you do not look forward to spending time with him, touching him, etc.

Sure, you should NOT ever have affairs. But if you went ahead and had a affair and learned about the lack of passion in your own marriage because of it, then, that is worth learning.

People say, "the passion dies over time" and all kinds of things to keep you tied to a bad marriage, one that lacks passion from the beginning.

But if you have learned about passion, finally, you may want to get a divorce and meet a man who you are "best friends" with and feel intense passion for also. Passion that will not die! Sounds like your husband has other problems besides being unnatractive to you. Is he worth keeping?

Only you know how much you are willing to sacrifice in divorcing, and dating again someday meeting the right man "for you" who has everything, passion, kindness, honesty, no addictions, good communications skills, etc.

I feel all this when I met my husband and the passion has not gone away yet. So there is probably some man out there for you besides your husband who you may have accidently married, telling yourself that passion does not matter.

Good luck whatever you decide but you do not have to keep having this affair NOW since you have already learned what you can from that.

If you keep having the affair, your life will be wrong and you will hurt many people. But you can decide to "force some passion" in your own marriage or divorce and then eventually date whoever you want and find that passion you desire.

Whew, thank God someone else can relate to Lydia's situation besides me!

I am in a very similar situation, too.

I love my husband dearly, but have never been physically attracted to him. I never missed it at first because although I enjoyed sex, I had never felt the'zing' of strong chemistry before - that feeling of even *thinking* of them making you want to jump them.

Some unresolved issues including my husband's alchoholism and workaholism resulted in my falling for another man with whom I'd been friends at work. There was STRONG chemistry, as well as emotion, and my husband and I seperated.

So I suddenly found this passion that I'd been missing all along without realising. I loved zing! I wanted zing! I already loved the OM, so the zing was a bonus. I had no idea before that...my H used to tell me how just thinking of me was enough to turn him on, and I didn't get it. I just figured it was a male thing. So it was a revelation when it hit me. With my H I have to be in the mood, and I enjoy it once we get going, but I've never had that overpowering desire to just grab him and drag him into the bedroom.

My husband and I have reconciled and are working on things. We have moved interstate and I have NC with the OM. I miss him badly, both as a friend and as a lover.

My husband is also, and has always been sometimes very smothering, Lydia. I just feel like he loves me so much he isn't his own person. I feel like he doesn't feel validated unless he has me. I've told him this, though he denies it.

On the other hand, he makes me feel very safe and cherished, which I really do need. This is something I've only just recently been able to admit to myself, let alone him. My upbringing as a daughter of alcoholics had left me with the bravado that I didn't need *anyone*. I could love them more than life itself, but I didn't *need* them. I've always had to do everything on my own. My family were not supportive in any way, even morally.

So it has been hard for me to come to grips with the realisation that I do need him, and to accept that despite what has happened, he is willing to stand by me. That is a totally alien concept to me. If I'd been him I'd have walked away. In fact, I have done that in a previous relationship.

Soo...where does this leave us? Well, trying to create a balance between work and family time. Trying to resolve problems before they grow out of proportion. Trying to get back to where I used to be, thinking I had the best husband in the world.

I don't know that things will work out. We still have alcohol related problems. I hope it comes good.

And I wish we had zing.

Tryn

Lydia,
Why did you marry him in the first place? when you figure that out then you will have your answer.
CS Noodles

To Chirs.What do you mean by PEOPLE FIND THEMSELVES DOING THINGS IN AN AFFAIR THAT THEY WOULD NEVER EVER DO WITH THEIR SPOUSE?Thanks Chris

I mean that when people are having an afair, they are acting in ways that are "not them".
They are doing something (the afair) they KNOW is wrong yet they continue.
People when they are together for a while learn each others habits and ways of doing things.
WHen with someone new, especially in an affair, they can not be themselves and do things they normally would not do and feel ways they normally would not feel.

To put it plainly, it's a "rush" and a high. Their inhibitions dissolve. They don't have to "act" a certain way with this person because they haven't developed a rapport with them. Since it is an illicit affair, they can be "badder" than they normally would.

People in an affair will abandon their children, spend tens of thousnads of dollars, lose their companies, and on and on.
Is this "normal" behavior?

And many people here can tell you this, as it has happened to them.

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If anything, I am camparing my husband to this OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, and this is part of the problem. This will not make your situation better, it is only making it worse.

Chris has given you some excellent information. None of us can do or say one single thing to help your situation until the affair is over. You need to tell your H about the affair.

Dear Lydia,

I am currently in almost the same position as you, although my H has just left me last week, he says that he no longer loves me. We have been married for 12 years. I have the same problem with the physical side of our marriage, I am just not interested anymore, and he now says that that is what is killing our marriage. I am not having an affair and neither is he, I do still love him and would very much like to get things "back to normal" but I know that that would mean sorting things out physically. I wish I knew what to do.

Ladies, if you are HONESTLY serious about changing your views and behavior, please read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It contains the information you need to kindle that spark. You will be offended if you are rebellious and unteachable. If you are, don't get mad at me - contact her. As a man I guarantee this book offers workable solutions. I wouldn't want to be treated like you treat your H's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">negative personality
He would wake up crouchy. he smoked pot
nothing seemed to please him
would try and improve me.
He had porno mags and vids. And that got to the point when I just became revolted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Revolted is quite a word. How can you find anyone with a revolting personality attractive?

I really think this is the problem, not his appearance. I couldnt love my H if he was a male SuperModel if these were his actions. I'd bet his looks werent an issue this his actions became so ugly.

from one of the Personality Type books (I dont know his type, but I thought this was relevent):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SJ (Traditionalist) mates may have some difficulty understanding the emotional needs of other types, particularly the NF (Idealists) and the NT (Conceptualists), for whom transactions outside of the bedroom loom vital as a precursor to sexual response. Nor does emotional conflict seem to carry over into the bedroom for SJs. They can be angry with their mates, even scolding them, and then expect them to come to bed with open arms, having separated these criticisms from the sexual relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was my exH: we could be having the Fight of Fights, but he'd expect me to come to bed and do my duty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . He'd go on and on for an hour about what a horrible person I was; I'd be fuming, and he'd have the nerve to expect sex?! Unreal. But, some types are OK with this, just not MY type...

BTW, my exH was very unattractive (he even joked about it), but that was never the issue for me. I loved him because he was sweet and kind to me. I stopped loving him when he stopped being kind, and started treating me like furniture. He was even MORE unattractive when I divorced him (add 40 pounds after the wedding to an already overweight H), but I would have stayed if he'd acted like he liked me. Just my $0.02... - Dru

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Lydia and company, I am so happy to see your topic being discussed - (I'm sorry everyone has troubles obviously) - but am comforted so many seem to have a similar problem. I thought I was just 40 and started going over the deep end. My husband is doing his best to be that great all around guy, however I can't get that feeling back either. He thinks I have a medical problem and/or mental problem. I agree with the person who said that they just become ugly when they treat us badly. Not to say we're not a participant in all that, but that personality study excerpt pretty much says it all on why we all can't make up. We are just different....and over time you realize that. I don't think it should be such hard work to be in love, be a best friend, and be passionate. I believe the main thing that makes us try to work so hard is children which we have had with the intention of being part of the "happy family". There is a lot to that. Especially for people who have been children of divorces. I guess the decision on staying together has to do with sacrifice (Unless you're being violent and abusive in front of your kids)...of course the kids are worth anything. But is it okay not to care about yourself? And, are you caring about your spouse by not giving them the love they also deserve? I don't understand - and someone help me please, why does the spouse on the other end of this dilema seem to want us, when we are not able to meet their needs happily? That is perplexing. Anyways, I'm still married. Going a day at a time. Waiting for that feeling or for him to get sick of me. Reading alot, thank you. Confused as usual. Good bye for now and good luck to all.

Lydia & iMaccami,

It's not as easy as some people seem to think, it it?

I think they are perhaps misconstruing what we are trying to say: that while we LOVE our spouses, and enjoy spending time with them, and appreciate all they have to offer, what we are missing is something that was NOT there from the beginning - *physical* attraction. We are not asking how to love our partners, just how we can be *physically attracted* to them.

My husband has many wonderful qualities, and these are attractive to me in the way any person, male OR female, would appeal to me as a great person. What I *don't* feel, and have never felt, is, "OMG! He's just got that...something...that makes me want to ravish him."

It's not that I don't care about him, because I do. I love him and think he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He is a good husband and father and all-round person, and my best friend. He knows me better than anyone. I just wish I was *physically* turned on by him.

iMaccani, I know what you mean when you say, "...why does the spouse on the other end of this dilema seem to want us, when we are not able to meet their needs happily?"

I felt the same way when my husband and I seperated. I did not leave him for the OM. I left for me, to try to work out what the hell brought me to the point I was at. And I could not stay because at the time I simply could not give 100%, and I felt that my husband had the right to a relationship where his partner was truly *there* instead of in the middle of a nervous breakdown and flat out thinking about what to wear for the day, let alone emotionally give anything to anyone else.

I said to him that I couldn't stay, because my heart was not in it, that I couldn't give it 100% and it wasn't fair on him. He had so much love to give and I just couldn't cope with that right then.

He cried and told me, "Fifty percent will do..." which made me feel worse...I don't understand how anyone can love anyone so much that they will settle for that. I still find it hard to comprehend, but I think that's part of other issues I have (and am working on).

I don't know the answer. I don't know if there *is* an answer. You aren't alone... (((hugs)))

Tryn

Can you do things to make yourself physically attracted to someone you don't fancy? Sadly I think probably not.

Can you have great sex (c/w zing) with someone who isn't very attractive? Probably yes. But you'd have to have a good relationship with them. Even then I think you'd have to fancy them physically just a little bit.

Tha materials on this site offer some amazingly effective advice on how to improve relationships, including even if only one of you is working on it. Plan A.

What I'm saying is that I'm not sure that attractiveness and sexual zing necessarily go together, although that seems to be everyone's assumption. Do Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston have really great sex? Who knows but I wouldn't take it for granted.

BTW Brad and Jennifer if you ever read this I apologise for using you as an illustration and meant no offence.

Hi Everyone. It's been a few days since my last posting. Wow,I guess I just thought that I was the only one with this type of problem. I wish I logged onto this website as soon as my psycholigist told me about it.
These last few days have been extremely difficult. I couldn't always control my emotions. My daughter saw me cry for the first time. She is a big reason for me to doubt myself.
She is hurting terribly.Any that makes me very sad.
Thanks to all, I have read all the replies over and over again. I am emotionally exhasted right now,I am going to try and sleep. Good Night.