I am so relieved to find this site. In July, I found out my husband of 21 years had an affair 10 years ago and that a child was born. The OW wrote him to tell him that they had a daughter and that her C wanted to know who her father was. Since then, my husband had a paternity test done, and it is definitely his child. <p>The OC is ten years old, and he has never had any contact with her at all. We don't know what to do. I am still dealing with the betrayal aspects, but now that we have definitive proof that the OC is his, what should we do, and what should we expect.<p>Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

hello,<p>twice I've written to you and twice my reply got lost before it could post. I'm nearly in tears. Hopefully you'll get other great replies, or I'll try again later. Bottom line, concentrate on your marriage(!!) and your financial health first (is she after back ch-support?!) and the kid later. No secret communications or meetings between your H and XOW!<p>So sorry. Later,
Prayers,
J in recovery 3+ years and happy

Posey,
Wow, this must be so difficult. I dont know how I would handle this to find out ten years after the fact. I think I might talk to a lawyer about CS. I would hate to see you get stuck with back child support for ten years when you didnt even know the child existed. I dont think the courts can do that, but the system stinks.
It is real hard to know how the OC will react when and if you and H meet him/her. That could be one hell of a mess unless the exOW was honest with the child and the child knows that you all were never told of his/her existence.
Just take it one day at a time and pray alot. You have come to the right place. Hopefully some who found out years after the fact can jump in. Many of us found out either before the oc was born within the first two years. Good luck to you.

Prayers are offered to you Posey....10 years???? Oh my goodness!
Post often. We'll help you when we can.
love
Debi

posey,
You asked what you should do or expect. <p>Please check out the MB principles for a healthy marriage and don't do anything with the OC until you can both agree. Consider counseling. Do you have children at home? That is another consideration, as you might use a counselor to help explain this to them if you chose visitation/contact. The XOW might be a reasonable person who is just advocating for her kid, or she might be a dangerous live wire who got a wild hair to see your H again and doesn't care what havoc she wrecks on anyone. Be careful and no solo contacts between she and your H (even after 10y)! Better that you or a third party be the contact. Please protect yourself financially as well, knowing H's legal rights and responsibilities.<p>Prayers,
J

Hey Posey!<p>I guess we're in somewhat of the same situation because I just found out six weeks ago that my H had an affair six years ago and has a five year old daughter. I found out because the OW decided that it was time for my H to start paying CS. I really think it has more to do with the fact that she wants a father for her child and although my H has told her repeatedly that he wants nothing to do with her, she won't back off.<p>Anyway, we have four children and we are not telling them anything yet. We are working on a private agreement so that our financial security and that of our children can be somewhat protected. The OW has so far been amenable to this agreement (it's a compromise of sorts from what the court mandated amount would be and what we believe is fair for all children). However, she is intent on getting my H to visit the OC. He has been by once a year I guess just to check on her, but I am not at all comfortable with any contact and he agrees to this. We just don't want the OW to get upset by this and go after the full amount of CS that the courts allow.<p>I understand completely what you mean about the feelings of infidelity and having to deal with all of the stuff at once. For me, it was easiest to work with the OW on the financial situation and get that out of the way so that my H and I can begin to work on our marriage. We have a very good one (always have!) which is why this is an even bigger shock, but obviously the trust is broken so we will begin counseling to work on those and other areas.<p>Please keep posting as more information comes out (it always does!). Has the OW mentioned anything about CS? Usually once the paternity test is taken that's the route they choose to go. We haven't received the results of my H's test yet, but we are fairly certain it is his. The timing is right, plus she has many of his features....<p>Use your time with your H to work on issues...Spend as much time together as you can and be supportive of him. I know that my H is carrying around 6 years of guilt and shame and he is a broken man. We have been married for 19 years and I never saw it happening! It really scares me that he could lie and live a secret life for so long, that is the biggest issue for me.<p>Take care...

Thanks to all of you for replying. I thank the Lord also for providing such a site for me to come to talk. <p>This just absolutely seems like a nightmare, or at least a really bad soap opera with some awful writers.<p>In answer to some of the questions posed, I do have children. One is 19 and in college and the other is 15 and a sophomore in high school. We are trying to arrange for counseling for both our marriage and for advise in how to handle this situation with all of the children involved. <p>My daughters adore their father, and it hurts me so to think of having to tell them about this other child. They will be devastated, and I worry about the effect this will have on their relationships with men in the future. <p>I don't want to tell them yet, not in the middle of a school year. I would like to wait until a summer break to tell them. Also, we live in a very small town, so to be honest, I don't want my friends to find out. I know that probably sounds awful, but I am just not ready to face the pity, shame, and humiliation. (If I can't face it, I am sure my husband can't handle it.) The mention of telling our girls brings my husband to tears every time. He definitely knows the damage he has done!<p>I am sorry for running on and on. I have not talked to many people about this, except my immediate family. Did this experience change all of you as it seems to be changing me? It is so hard to find joy anymore. I am so irritable with everyone, including my children. My husband is being the model of patience and sensitivity, and I worry that my children must be thinking I am an absolute witch because he looks so wonderful, while I look like a shrew.<p>As far as the OW, she says she wanted the paternity test so she can fill in a father's name on the birth certificate. I fully expect her to ask for child support, though she hasn't as of yet. We plan to offer some support because we feel it is the right thing to do, but we are also hoping she will stay out of the courts. With a child in college, we will be hard pressed to pay anything, much less what the courts would mandate. <p>It turns out she had informed my husband immediately after their affair 10 years ago that she was pregnant and that it was his baby. He said he simply didn't believe her, and when she didn't pursue any kind of testing or support, he felt she must have been lying. How he kept the knowledge that he might have another child out there a secret for over 10 years, I will never understand.<p>I am sorry for being so long winded. Thanks for letting me vent.

posey,
Vent anytime!! Believe me, this is a life-and-outlook-altering event and you are more than entitled to your grouchiness!!!!! You are mourning the end of what you thought your marriage was, and not sure yet what it is going to be. Grief has many stages and you're still in the early days. Did you see my post "thoughts for newbies"? You have a lot to cope with right now.<p>Simply, your H was in his own "fog" of denial. It was too horrendous to face (look now!), so he ignored/denied it, hoping it would stay gone. Too bad it didn't.<p>Even Little Kids know when Mom's not feeling right, and yours are much older than that. After DDay I told my then-5yo that mommy and daddy were having some grown-up problems that he didn't need to worry about, etc. etc. and apologizing for my bad temper, letting him know nothing was his fault. <p>Your kids, however, are old enough to hear, and understand, the whole sh-bang if/when you chose to tell them... and then they are going to have their own feelings to contend with! I really hope you can find a counselor with some experience with this stuff who can help. <p>One counselor H and I saw was very experienced with infidelity issues, including OCs. In one of his cases, he said the couple brought their 2 teens (around 14 and 15) into his office for the dad to tell them for the first time about the (no-contact) OC, who was then around 8. The dad teared up, apologized for doing something they learn in church is wrong, let them know that he was sorry to hurt their mother, disappoint them (be a bad role model), and (by not being able to parent her) hurt the OC. Before they left the office, the teens were able to say they still loved their dad, and also never wanted themselves to be involved in any situation like that because, unlike a commercial, this was *real* and obviously hurt people. The counselor was able to kind of walk the whole family through what they were feeling and give it perspective. He thought it a positive experience, considering.<p>That is the way I hope we can handle telling our kids about OC some day. We are open to visitation when she's older but we're definately too far away for now.<p>Keep posting!
Prayers,
J