This week we have had some setbacks and some progress. First, h finally went to see a doctor on Friday and got a prescription for prozac. He is definitely depressed and on a downward spiral, and I think it is a positive sign that he is recognizing it. But, as luck would have it, there is no money to fill the prescription until after Christmas since we do not have medical coverage at all.<p>We decided after muc discussion NOT to go through with our scheduled visit with oc this past weekend. I felt overwhelmed b/c of the tenseness in our house, and I don't think h was up to the emotional strain of oc's visit either. So he called and left a message on ow's answering machine that said he had "a family emergency (partly true)" and wouldn't be able to get oc this time. I think we both feel that we would like to continue visits/seeking custody but that we need to focus on us for a little bit. We probably will still get her for christmas, as is court ordered.<p>We went to our lawyer's office Christmas party (he is also my boss now) on Friday night and had an absolutely lousy time because h seesawed between being extremely critical of me and unhappy to be there with me to irritatingly jealous if I so much as spoke to anybody else. It was pretty irrational behavior. And it was embarrassing as well, because everybody knew he was miserable.<p>But the rest of the weekend actually went very well. H was kind and considerate and loving, and actually seemed like his "normal" self. We have had no more instances of physical aggression towards me and I'm hopeful that it was just a fluke, although I did tell him that if it happened again we would have to separate.<p>I'm not sure where all these problems with us are coming from. I don't know if I should attribute it to the strain of the custody battle, or to all the changes in our lives, or if it is mostly the finacial duress. <p>Thanks for the encouragement from everybody that responded. More later,
Donna

Donna,<p>I have been just lurking for a little while. I did read your "Part One", but, honestly, didn't know what to say. I felt so much for you and the trials you were/are going through! Even now, I don't really know what to say. I will pray for you and H, for healing and understanding of what is causing these problems! <p>Love,<p>Tigger

Nosetta,<p>I wish I knew what to say. Right now I'm at a loss, but I'm feeling for you. You're a survivor, girlie-girl. Take care of you, okay?<p>Claudia

C.D.,
Sorry to hear you guys are having problems. Ya know it really sounds like he is jealous of your success or maybe he is afraid that if you get to successful you wont need him.
Hope you can get him to open up and talk about what is bothering him. My h insecurities and being jealous,which made him angry at me is what lead him into doing what he did. Hope this makes sense. You know I'm not good at putting into words what I'm trying to say. Hang in there c.d. you guys have come this far. I hope things can get worked out between you guys.
with love flowerseed

Dear cd,
I am happy to hear things are somewhat better now. As Catnip said the strain and constant upheaval of visits may be all consuming of both you and H's emotions.<p>After Christmas give it another break honey. You guys need to focus on yourselves for a while and I hope you find time to do that.<p>Sweetie I just cannot see you spending any more $ for custody when you guys can't even pay for H's much needed medication...let alone health insurance.<p>I wish I could send the $ you need honey.<p>Cd, I have to tell you that H and I began to do so much better when the baby went out with the bath water. Just a thought on how much one can stand or do for someone they love and want to please.<p>Prayers to you always. Attorney cd collins. Hmmm sounds great!<p>love
Debi

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cdcollins:
<strong><p>1. First, h finally went to see a doctor on Friday and got a prescription for prozac. He is definitely depressed and on a downward spiral, and I think it is a positive sign that he is recognizing it. <p>2. there is no money to fill the prescription until after Christmas since we do not have medical coverage at all.<p>3. We decided after muc discussion NOT to go through with our scheduled visit with oc this past weekend. I felt overwhelmed b/c of the tenseness in our house, and I don't think h was up to the emotional strain of oc's visit either.<p>4. h seesawed between being extremely critical of me and unhappy to be there with me to irritatingly jealous if I so much as spoke to anybody else. It was pretty irrational behavior.<p>5. But the rest of the weekend actually went very well. H was kind and considerate and loving, and actually seemed like his "normal" self. We have had no more instances of physical aggression towards me and I'm hopeful that it was just a fluke, although I did tell him that if it happened again we would have to separate.<p>6. I'm not sure where all these problems with us are coming from. I don't know if I should attribute it to the strain of the custody battle, or to all the changes in our lives, or if it is mostly the finacial duress.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OK, cd, I hate to come off as a know it all but when it comes to mental illness of spouse, I kinda dibs the title of Queen.<p>1. You are right! This IS a positive sign. When the WS hits rock bottom, he is in the realization of what his actions have caused the family. It is extremely difficult for them to accept, acknowledge and admit full tilt guilt and the sloughing off of the torment comes showering down on you. It is simply too much to bear...<p>While it is devastating to have them inflict even more pain onto us after all we have already endured, this behavior is predictable. If you are strong enough not to take it too personally (because it is NOT you) the way you ultimately handle this will dictate how the future will play out. You have the power and unfortunately, he knows it and this could be part of his problem. He has no control. You are in control of whether or not the marriage has the green light to move ahead, the courts have the power as to how much is extorted from your wallets, the OW has the power to interfere over the next two decades...and it is all because of what he did. Now he is paying the perverbial piper and his disgust at himself is too much...the only avenue to release it is to take it out on you...maybe to push you away so he doesn't have to feel so guilty every time he looks into your eyes, or see the monumental kindness you show the OC which could be another source of feeling unworthy aafter all that has happened...or perhaps even seeing your amazing strength in court and being in awe of your dignity, character, integrity and honor. He may just feel as if he doesn't deserve all this forgiveness and kindness. I went through this, too, cd, so I absolutely know from where I speak. Meds are a wonderful thing...I suggest Wellbutrin (no sexual side effects-very important for self worth) and even have him evaluated for other things...even bipolar...what the heck.<p>2. We qualified for state insurance at a fraction of the cost of ordinary insurance and the copay for $400 meds is $3. Check into it.<p>3. Excellent!!!!<p>4. This is so predictable! This is what happened to me-exactly. The constant critiques, the jealousy, the irrational behavior...all borne out of stree, guilt, shame, not being able to see a way out, and I think for a while my husband tried to distance himself from me so he could start over fresh without having to deal with the chronic pain and reminders of his 'sins'...without having to see me every day, he felt better for a time until he started to miss me. It takes a real strong man to stay and fight the good fight and face the damage with grace and honor. Yours can do this and he will. He is just going through his grieving process on a delayed reaction. It's just starting to come to a head and he has to face things and it's painful, extremely painful for him to have to acknowledge the huge enormous changes in all your lives and the impact, knowing he alone is responsible. Eventually, he will accept your kindnesses and love and be glad he did, eventually he will get over the pain (not all of it) but enough where he doesn't hate seeing the crap and willing to do whatever it takes to fix things.<p>5. Hot-cold, sweet-sour, up-down...predictable<p>6. It's all of it...and the holidays, too...lot's of stress, lot's of financial, lots of changes. We all hate change and brother, have we all got change in our lives. Not the fun exciting changes we all enjoy, but devastating changes that distort the landscape of our lives. But, it is OK, cd. Take the sweet times and relish them and I know you..I know you give back more than you get. Let HIM do for you to even the score a little so he doesn't feel useless or insignificant. Let HIM, cd...he has to feel as though some things are in his control, as you do. Don't leave each other out. Besides, Flowerseed is absolutely right...he might be a little jealous of you because of your amazing presence and ability to face things where others might shrink.<p>It is always hard for a man to have an awesome wife when they've been so awful...to them, it makes them look even less than they feel. Men have an awaful time identifying their feelings and anger and it comes out all weird and inappropriate.<p>Stay strong, cd...you are doing very well and handling things exceptionally well. You know in your heart all these things...I guess I like spouting off because it helps me deal with my husband and all his issues. Just last night after shopping, my husband gave me a check, bought me moccasins, bought me groceries and I turned around and carped about $100 he spent on himself. We snarled at each other for a moment and finally he looked at me and said, "Give me a reason to live. Tell me it's OK for me to buy myself some work clothes and that I DO take care of you." I was ashamed. I had taken away his dignity and made him feel undeserving. I said, "What can I say to make things better." He said, "Repeat after me...You Do take care of me and it is more than OK you buy work clothes." I repeated word for word. He continued "And I am sorry for giving you a shot about spending money because you have been frugile and careful with money." Again, word for word.<p>It's easy for me to react like Pavlovs dog when I see him spend money because of what he did a couple eyars ago and how strapped we are...but, I have to acknowledge what he is doing NOW to fix things. He admitted to me that it is tough for him to see me sometimes because of how far I have been dragged down beacuse of him (his perception...I am really quite happy right now)<p>A lot of communication is my RX to you, me and all of us here.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

cd,
I can't say anything more helpful than catnip or the others. Just lending my support.<p>Hand in there.
Prayers,
J