Dear 2bitter,<p>How do you cope? Your post called to me because it reminded me of myself when this whole situation began. Unsure is telling you the biggest secret to coping with this awful situation you find yourself in. If you really want to give your BF a second chance then you must forgive him.<p>It took me many years to understand what real forgiveness is. Someone posted a saying here once that said it perfectly. "Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me." I used to say that I "forgave" my H, but I really had not. I would find subtle ways to torture him -- withholding affection, hurtful words, small little stabs that cut him ever so slightly. <p>The truth was that the role of "victim" is a very compelling and powerful role. It feels good to have someone owe you something because they have wronged you. But honestly, we all make mistakes. The OC/OW situation is simply that -- poor judgement and a horrible mistake. I found that by constantly whining and rehashing the OC/OW saga I kept my own pain fresh. My H also told me that he felt like a criminal who kept being tried over and over again for the same crime.<p>I had to do some serious soul-searching and it took a long time to really admit that I had not forgiven him in the truest sense, in my heart. It also was difficult to admit that I was afraid of the feeling that he had for the OC and possibly might still have for the OW.<p>With my H's help, I have now come to the realization that he is a responsible person who was trying to do the right thing for the OC. He was also walking a constant tightrope because the OW had the power to make his life even more miserable. She could embarrass him at work, or with family and friends. She could harass him for more money. So, in some ways, he had to tolerate a lot of the nonsense that she came up with (and my H's OW is a master troublemaker!).<p>It was awful to watch her horrific attempts to manipulate him and interfere in our marriage without my H saying as much as I would have liked him to say. But he was afraid of the things that she could do to him and to us.<p>What you are feeling is so natural. I hope you will draw strength from knowing that many of us have been in that place where you are right now and we made it through. The most important thing you can do for yourself right now is try to talk to your BF without anger. I remember that every time I tried to talk to my H it would deteriorate into either a fight or an inquisition. And he was uncomfortable with either one.<p>Pick a quiet time to share your thoughts with him. Let him know how ambivalent you feel about the situation. He may have not invited you because he did not want to subject you to any more pain.<p>Swear not to get angry and stick by your word -- no matter what he says. Try to put yourself in his place and listen as though he is a person with a problem, not the man you love. You may be surprised what you hear. But one thing is for sure, it is better to keep the lines of communication open. If he gets the feeling that you are harassing him, or judging him, or blaming him, he will close up and you will miss the opportunity to understand his feelings.<p>I know how hard it is. It is a long process that takes time and commitment.<p>Hopefully one day soon you will change from 2bitter to something more positive and hopeful. May God bless you and send you the strength you need to get through this difficult time.<p>love,
heavenly<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</p>
