Ladies - please consider getting the book I recommended. It will literally revolutionize your M, if you are serious about it. God bless!

I am still very torn as to what I should do. I hear what everyone is saying, yet,who do I listen to,my heart or my mind?
My H knew about this OM right from the beginning. ( so does that make it an open affair!!!)we were separated( if that makes a difference!) Anyhow, what I am trying to say is because I never ever thought that I would be raising a child in a divorce home(we thought long and hard about having a child) or let alone sleeping with someone other then my H. I really had morals and values or I thought I had.
I am confused how I was never interested in sex with my husband( it was the last thing on my mind) and now I discovered that sex can mean love making and just not a chore.
What attracted me to my husband was we had so many things in common, we were best friends( I really miss that)
I had a problem with sex, he was very patient.
Gosh, I am thinking right now....I know I am feeling very quilty that it was me who left,I had the problem(not finding my H attractive) that I am forgetting about all the other problems we had. I am feeling extremely quilty because my daughter is very unhappy. She wants her family back together. Should I for her?
My husband said to me the other day that he is feeling much better now that he spoke to our psychologist and that we will not be reconciling.( he told our daughter that too) Yet, this is not the first time he has said this to me.
Maybe I should just except that being divorced is my future and try and get on with my life.
I am embarassed about being divorced, does that sound strange.

To Tryn, how are things with you. This 'zing' your talking about, I so longed to have it with my H. I always looked at my H with respect, I was proud to be walking along, holding his hand and thinking"Ya, this guy is mine' But I always wondered why I couldn't look at him and have a desiring need to kiss him or start undressing him and so on.
Our marraiges sound very similar Tryn, except I am still seeing this OM and I have this zing with this OM and it's great. And I am scared. I keep questioning myself,why not my H.
There is a future with this OM but I am supposed to be spending the rest of my life with my H.
Are you happy with you decision?

To 'hurting promise keeper' how ironic that you mentioned Dr. Laura. I just heard on the radio that a poll was taken and something about only 6% of the people take her seriously. I personally don't care for her but I just may take you up on your advice. You said' I wouldn't want to be treated like you treat your H's'. Is it our faults the way we feel. I know that I didn't set out to feel this way or do what I have done. And what about how our H's have treated us, lets not forget about that.

Thanks

Lydia, It seems you've come to this point honestly, as you have not gone behind your husbands back, and that says alot about you. You've been open and I completely understand your :

"I know that I didn't set out to feel this way or do what I have done. And what about how our H's have treated us, lets not forget about that."

Stepping back and thinking about it (and it's way easier doing that when it's someone else) I feel like you are in a good place. No one says you can't spend time with your husband and your other friend too. With the pressure off and you realizing you can take care of yourself-not being afraid of being by yourself, you may find that you rekindle something new with your husband, your friend, or someone else, or not at all....Let yourself discover yourself for awhile, and just be a Mom. Don't be afraid. I keep reading that fear is the opposite of faith and faith in yourself and your desires will lead you the right way - be it back to your husband or otherwise. I also think that it's good for children to see their parents happy. Sure they'd rather have everyone they love happy together, but when they grow up, they will understand that life is not quite as simple as that. I also think that they will strive for happiness and not settle for anything less. Sounds like your husband is feeling better and that's nice too.

Additionally, I would like to say that the books by Dr. Harley are excellent and I wish that I had read them prior to getting married-with my partner. I will definitely be giving them to my children when they are old enough!

Now I'm going to take my mind off all this and paint a room red.

Happy weekend.

Hi Lydia,

Things are...unsettled I guess. My H too was aware of the OM before any physical involvement occurred.

I knew that I would have to get away from that town before our marriage stood a chance. I did, and still do, care deeply about the OM, but knew I would *more* regret not making a sincere effort to sort out the marriage, than I would regret losing the OM. I do have to say though, I think were it not the for the kids, I could have walked away.

I'm still not sure things will work out. My H is an alcoholic who does not want to stop, nor see why he should stop drinking, despite me explaining numerous times what my childhood as a child of alcoholics was like, and that I just can't deal with it anymore.

The weekend just gone, we had it out and I told him that it was up to him, but if he chose not to stop drinking, not to expect me to stick around.

I guess this is the real test of our marriage. I loved him enough to try to deal with it on my own for the last 13 years, but failed because it was not my problem to own. Now he has to decide if he would rather have me or the grog.

I understand the addiction part of it, and I am willing to stick out whatever counselling is necessary for him to sort that out. What I cannot understand is why deciding between me by his side, or a can in his hand, is so hard. No-brainer for me...

Anway..not sure if that helps you. Best wishes...

Tryn

To 'hurting promise keeper' how ironic that you mentioned Dr. Laura. I just heard on the radio that a poll was taken and something about only 6% of the people take her seriously. I personally don't care for her but I just may take you up on your advice.
Dr Laura will tell you this.
If you are the betrayed spouse - Divorce immediately. You will NEVER be able to trust the ws in ANYTHING ever again.
If you are the wayward spouse - End the affair and NEVER tell your spouse. Or divorce your spouse immediately.

Hi iMaccami,how did the painting go?! I would like to say thank you. Hearing someone elses positive,encouraging words helps.
I had a most wonderful weekend being a Mom.
I have alot of ups and downs. I am up right now because I am feeling confidate but that can easly turn itself around which makes me uncomforable and untrustworthy of myself. I dread this weekend because my daughter will be with her dad. I miss her terribly when she is away.
Anyhow day by day.

Hi Tryn, I thought lots about staying or going back for my daughter but....I think iMaccami is right. 'when the children grow up,they will understand that life is not quite that simple' and if my H and I continue to get along and are able to still do things together, that will make a difference. I believe this but it still doesn't make me feel better about splitting up her family.
How old are your children? Take Care

Hi Chris-CA123
Do you believe in Dr.L? I am asking because I am haveing trouble with those 2 statements.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lydia1:
Hi Tryn, I thought lots about staying or going back for my daughter but....I think iMaccami is right. 'when the children grow up,they will understand that life is not quite that simple' and if my H and I continue to get along and are able to still do things together, that will make a difference. I believe this but it still doesn't make me feel better about splitting up her family.
How old are your children? Take Care

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree Lydia, I know I for one would have much preferred my parents seperate than drink and fight and scream at each other every single night.

This is one of the reasons I left in the first place - I did not want the kids to be subjected to the fireworks that were inevitable.

My sons are 9 and 17. The oldest is about to leave home, so he is not so much of a concern in that respect. The youngest is the light of my life, and I think that had my husband not refused to let him live with me, I probably would not have gone back so readily.

I'm hoping we can resolve things. Unfortunately he has until recently seemed to think that things should just go back to the old way, with everything seeming hunky-dory (except for my discontent simmering away underneath). He thinks that if we have a disagreement, or I *tell* him I'm dissatisfied with something, then it's the end of the world, and it's not working. He's having trouble accepting that things simply weren't working before, despite the facade, and that the status quo has got to change.

I'm not counting chickens yet.

I've just reread this thread, and the comment by Baba, "Sounds like your husband has other problems besides being unnatractive to you. Is he worth keeping?" really jumped out at me.

I agree. It sounds like he has other issues too. Do you have any idea what they might be? And if he was willing to address them (through counselling etc), do you think you could be happy with him?

Tryn

Do you believe in Dr.L?
I think she has some good points and some bad points.

I am asking because I am haveing trouble with those 2 statements.
This is not my opinion, it's what she say(although she never does say them together.)
Anytime she talks to a ws about affairs, she tells them to end the affair, reconcile and NEVER tell the bs or to divorce the bs.

If she gets a call from a bs telling of an affair, she tells them to divorce because in maraige, three things should never be put up with. Abuse, addiction, adultery.

Lydia,

I'm happy if you are feeling better. And I also know how that can change on a minute to minute basis....I have found reading is really a good attitude adjuster.

P.S. The painting is going great. It's been keeping me very occupied and is just what I needed to change my focus. I have done two rooms and am determined to do the entire interior of the house!

Tryn,

I totally understand the "light of my life" statement. Are you saying that if you left your husband, he would not have have agreed to having your son live primarily with you? If so, I can see your major dilema. I could never, ever, not be with my children. I am sure I would endure being roomates with my spouse at that point, sadly.

Have you read a book by Florence Scovel Shinn - The Game of Life and How to Play It? It's interesting and has helped me over the years.

Have a good day.

iMaccami,

Yes, that's what I'm saying. When we seperated last year we were both still living in the same small town. My YS stayed with my H, but I saw him every day and he had sleepovers regularly, and stayed with me if my H had to go away for work.

That was okay, but then they moved 1000km away. Then it was unbearable, especially when my son became sick with some respiratory thing, and when he had to have an improperly healed break in his arm rebroken.

I think if my H and I seperated again he would probably move elsewhere. I can understand why, as he would have trouble coping with dealing with the breakup and not want me to be around. I just don't want to not be there for my son.

Ouch. I've read over some of the other posts you made and really hope things go in a positive direction for you. I know that dealing with alcohol, you have a tremendous battle. My husband and I are in the restaurant business so we're around it all the time and are guilty of excess. I have, for new years sake, laid off for some time and can honestly tell you - all the emotions you are putting on the back burner are still in there waiting to surface. Your husband has to have something that is bothering him that he's trying to sedate....I think even moderate drinking is a way of tucking away the stresses etc...I also know that he won't stop until he's ready. I want to say more but I have to go to school (volunteer day).

Talk to you all llater.

Tryn,

I admire your ability to try to make it work, even though you’ve had problems.

My situation is sort of similar. I will have my 15th wedding anniversary shortly and have three kids, 8-13. I have known for years (how long I can’t even remember) that I didn’t love my husband the way I should. A lot had to do with the way he treated me - yelling constantly, criticism of my family, the way I was brought up, the things I liked to do, etc. And then there’s the way he yells at me in front of the kids “get out of the car”, nice things like that. I have never been a screaming type of person and can’t stand my kids being around that. Otherwise he is a very loving father. He’s also a great guy, great provider and loves me so much he says he “doesn’t know how he could live without” me....It kind of feels like I’m a pet sometimes, other times I feel like his mother. I’m also the type of person who remembers all these things and can’t forget. Even though now he’s read the His Needs, Her Needs and agrees he was a big jerk - his attitude now is “When you dig up graves it’s going to stink” ???? Okay, agreed but it has all hurt me so much that I don’t want to be affectionate to this man. I know his good qualities and appreciate him more like another relative - one I don’t have to sleep with and tell me what to do. I also have been very interested in other men over the years but never took it any further than lusting from afar because I love my kids and my parents were divorced and at some point I told myself - I’m not going to do that to my kids.

Time marches on though and I’ve found that I can no longer have sex with this man and feel good about myself. I want to have the zing you talked about. I want to have a loving, affectionate relationship before I die. Unfortunately, I want my kids to grow up with their father in the house. It’s frustrating and sad. Painting helps.

I really hope you find the zing with your man - you hadn’t mentioned that he was mean, so that’s a good thing.

Take care.

Hi
Well..there passes another minute and I am a little down again. My daughter is away with her dad for the weekend. Have I yet to say that I HATE being away from her, even if it is just for a couple of days. She does call every night which helps. I too iMaccami thought of just being roommates to be with my daughter.
Sometimes I feel like a failure. Not being able to make my marraige work. This may sound snobbish but I don't like being a statistic.....growing up in a divorced family and seeing a lot of my friends getting a divorce, I suppose I thought I was stronger then everyone else.

Tryn, how is your 9 yr. boy doing? I ask because my daughter is not doing well. Can you or anyone recommend any reading material to help children deal with divorce.
Take care

Hi iMaccami, I've also known for years that I didn't love my husband the way I should. And I felt horrible for feeling that way. I just assumed that there was something wrong with me, I was defected in the sex department.
I never could tell him that I wasn't attracted to him. How could I tell him something like that when he loved and lusted for me?
He is also an awesome father, and he loves me very much.
He is also a jerk a times. People have seen it. And I am the type that seems to remember the negative things. And in the end there were too many withdrawls from my love bank.
iMaccami, does your husband know how you don't feel for him? How are managing? I was very frustrated and sad aswell....Still am.
Now that I have had this 'zing' with this OM,I know that nothing is wrong with me. But I think 'If I could have had this zing with my H everything could be perfect.' Everythnig else could be worked on in time.
We were together for 14yrs and built so much together. It's hard to let go of everything.
Take Care

Ladies - I hate to hear you all continue in this discouragement and unforgiveness. There is a better way if you choose to accept it. Please consider getting "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands". Why do you choose to continue in your charades and keep your H's on a string? That is deception and manipulation of the worst kind. I implore you all to get off the fence.

To Hurting Promise Keeper: You seem to have all the answers, lets hear your success story. PS: I actually ordered the book you speak of two days ago and am waiting for it to come in.

Lydia: You and I seem to be living the same life. I actually did finally tell my husband that I didn't have the feelings for him to continue to have a romantic relationship with him. Now that he realizes the seriousness of the situation and that I'm not going to allow him to push me around anymore, he has miraculously changed his attitude. Lately he keeps pushing me to give him some sign or indication that I am falling back in love with him or that I am definitely committed to try. I guess I am stubborn however, I also see the potential to have a better and more fulfulling relationship with another man. If I continue with my husband, I don't want to regret it the rest of my life and have him be the one settled for. I don't think he should be just settled for. I have felt for quite awhile that separating for at least a month would be a good idea. It is certainly possible that I would miss him. I also might find that I don't like being solo. Is that what you did? Does anyone have a success story regarding trial separation? I haven't thrown in the towel. I just know that after reading many books and moving through each day, I am not satisfied with my life. My husband is a very good person and terrific father, like yours - aside from his need for aggression, namecalling, smothering, etc. I feel like I am his best friend. Anyhow, for now I'm just waiting for my inner voice to give me a clue and am waiting for Dr. Lauras book...

To Hurting Promise Keeper: You seem to have all the answers, lets hear your success story. PS: I actually ordered the book you speak of two days ago and am waiting for it to come in.

Lydia: You and I seem to be living the same life. I actually did finally tell my husband that I didn't have the feelings for him to continue to have a romantic relationship with him. Now that he realizes the seriousness of the situation and that I'm not going to allow him to push me around anymore, he has miraculously changed his attitude. Lately he keeps pushing me to give him some sign or indication that I am falling back in love with him or that I am definitely committed to try. I guess I am stubborn however, I also see the potential to have a better and more fulfulling relationship with another man. If I continue with my husband, I don't want to regret it the rest of my life and have him be the one settled for. I don't think he should be just settled for. I have felt for quite awhile that separating for at least a month would be a good idea. It is certainly possible that I would miss him. I also might find that I don't like being solo. Is that what you did? Does anyone have a success story regarding trial separation? I haven't thrown in the towel. I just know that after reading many books and moving through each day, I am not satisfied with my life. My husband is a very good person and terrific father, like yours - aside from his need for aggression, namecalling, smothering, etc. I feel like I am his best friend. Anyhow, for now I'm just waiting for my inner voice to give me a clue and am waiting for Dr. Lauras book...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does anyone have a success story regarding trial separation? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W has had similar explanations to yours and decided that she wanted a "Trial" Separation.

It's been 5 months and the only trial I see will be in D court.

I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know your particular situation, however, I am confident that over time you will be happy. While reading lately, it was recommended that one should live each day like it was the last. Touch the people that matter to you - take the time to look at their faces and share with them. Be alive. Be yourself. Give your ego time off. Explore the beauty of the world we live in - the unique people we share it with. It's always here, we just need to open our eyes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

To Hurting Promise Keeper: I have been open with my H since this all began. He knows how I feel.

Hi iMaccami, when I told my H of my feelings,he claimed to have changed his way aswell.
I too am stubborn, and things seemed to worsen living with him. I just couldn't stand to be near him.
I can't say if separation is necessarily a good or bad thing. Perhaps if a separation is meant to spend a little time apart to think,to look at ones life without any outside distractions, it could be a good thing.
I was the one who moved out of our home, on my own. I have always been an independant person but it's still hard.
Like you, I don't like to be solo. I need to share my life with someone. To share everyday experiences....joy, laugher, sorrow,everything. I truley miss my best friend, my H, I find that to be the hardes.
In my mind I am sitting on the fence but I won't tell my H that because it wouldn't be fair for him to sit and wait for me. He needs to get on with his life if that's the way things are to be.
I feel quilty because even though he knew about my lack of feelings for him he still wanted us to be together. He accepted it. I always thought that he shouldn't settle. That he deserves someone who could love him in everyway.
On one hand I thing my separation was a good thing... this realationship I have with this other man has let me explore feeling that I thought I was NEVER capable of having which I am glad I was able to experience..yet on the other hand it can be looked at as a distraction from my marriage.
Do you feel drained, out of energy? I do, I so much so. I need to do something, something.
I am not a fan of Dr. Laura, but I will look in the library for her book.
I have been trying to look at each day like it's the last but I am not finding it easy.