THANKS FOR YOUR KIND REPLY GEMINI 1. <p>WELL, WE TALKED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES HE MAY WANT TO SEE THE CHILD IN THE FUTURE. I TOLD HIM AS LONG AS I WAS INVOLVED AND NOTHING WAS BEING DONE BEHIND MY BACK. HE AGREED. <p>OK I HAVE TO BLOW OUT SOME STEAM, PLEASE READ ME OUT. MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE OW'S AND PAYING CS ARE AS FOLLOWS: THESE OW KNOWING THEY ARE A SIDE DISH AND NOT THE FULL MEAL, DECIDE ON THEIR OWN TO GET PREGNANT. AFTER ANNOUNCING TO, WELL MY H OF THIS HE INFORMS HER ITS NOT THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP AND WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH A C WITH HER. SHE GOES ON HER OWN DECISION TO HAVE THIS CHILD. SO I DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE OW' GET THE IDEA THAT THEY MAKE ALL THE DECISION, SPREAD DISASTER AND NOW ALL THE PEOPLE THAT DID NOT MAKE THESE DECISIONS PAY FOR IT. FORCE PEOPLE TO BE IN POSITION THAT DID NOT WANT AND THEN THINK PEOPLE ARE BEING MEAN TO THEM WHEN THINGS JUST DON'T FALL PERFECTLY FOR THEM. <p>TO ME IF THEY MAKE ALL THE DECISION, THEY SHOULD DEAL WITH ALL THAT COME FROM MAKING THAT DECISION. THEY DECIDE TO BECOME SINGLE MOTHERS, THE SUPPORT YOU CHILD AS A SINGLE MOTHER FIANACIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. <p>I KNOW WHEN THE DAY COMES FROM THIS OC ABOUT WHY, THEY WILL GET THE TRUTH. FIRST YOUR MOTHER MESS AROUND WITH A MARRIED MAN. WHEN SHE COULD NOT TEAR HIM FROM HIS FAMILY ON HER OWN, SHE BECAME PREGNANT THINKING THAT USING YOU AS A TOOL WOULD GET THE MARRIED MAN. WHEN THAT DID NOT HAPPEN, THEN SHE USED HER PREGNANCY TO GET A CHECK, SO INSTEAD OF ASKING US WHY ASK HER WHY. WHY SHE GAVE YOU A LIFE OF LONLINESS AND FATHERLESS. WE FELT SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MOTHER DID TO YOU, BUT IT WASN'T OUR DECISION IT WAS HER'S. WE FELT INSTEAD OF HAVING A WISHY WASHY IN AN OUT FATHER IN YOUR LIFE WE WOULD STAY OUT. WE HOPE YOUR MOTHER MOVED ON WITH HER LIFE AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO BECOME A FATHER, BECAUSE YOU FORCED BIOLOGICAL FATHER DID NOT WANT KIDS AND YOUR MOTHER KNEW THIS FACT. WE SORRY BUT THAT IS WHAT YOUR MOTHER DEALT FOR YOU AND HERSELF AND TRIED TO FORCE US INTO TO HER TRAP.<p>I THIS SEEMS HARSH, BUT THE TRUTH HURTS. IT HURT WHEN WE FOUND OUT. THIS IS WHAT THESE OW'S DO CAUSE MEHEM, TURMOIL AND JUST PLAN UGLINESS.<p>I FEEL GOOD GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I JUST CAN'T STAND STUPID CONTROLLING PEOPLE. I WILL TRY TO GET WHAT I WANT NO MATTER WHO IT HURTS EVEN MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.<p>I KNOW I AM ANGRY AT MY OW THAT H BROUGHT INTO OUR LIVES, BUT ITS THE TRUTH.<p>DO ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE SAME? AND FOR THOSE HAVING NO CONTACT, HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF THE DAY IF THE OC SEEKS YOU OUT AND ASK WHY WHAT ARE YOU GOIMG TO SAY?<p>IWILL ALSO POST AS A NEW POST TO GET OPINONS.<p>THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR EYES AND EARS.

Well said... about a month ago there was a post that paralleled all that you just said...so don't feel like you are just ranting and raving aimlessly...there is a lot of truth to your statements...and quite frankly, i agree. <p>Along the lines of what you wrote, someone once wrote something similar about ow making ALL the decisions for everyone involved. OW get to decide for the man whether or not he wants to be a father. My h does not want to be a father, but ow thinks she has the liberty to make that decision for him. She is simply sly, malicious, and downright evil. <p>If ow was at all smart, she would do the noble thing and put the baby up for adoption. And true, if they don't get the MM, then at least they get his income! I am so not looking forward to dealing with the CS come April.<p>And also, someone once said also, that this is the most expensive lay ever! (About $250,000 worth). Our h's weren't looking to become fathers, they just wanted an easy piece of meat. Had they known that they were going to become fathers that day, i am sure 100% of them would have walked out the door and said, "see ya, sly"<p>It's ok to vent here, that is partly why we are here. <p>Lucky for me, i lean on the Lord to give me the daily strength i need to endure yet another day. And sometimes, the days are even pleasant, but of course there are the unbearable days too. God has a great plan, a plan that we can't understand right now, but believe me, one day we will, and we will thank Him for his LOVE.<p>God Bless,
Julia

I don't know if this helps your situation, but just wanted to say that not all OW think the way you described here.<p>Some are remorseful. Some are confused. Some have personal reasons why they decide to keep their OC babies, aka [censored]. Actually I can't and shouldn't try to speak for all, only myself. One thing I can say for all is that OW need lots of prayers.<p>I also don't think it is fair to say that OW makes the decision for everyone. MM are the ones who decide to screw around outside of their marriage and everyone knows what the risks of unprotected sex are--not just pregnancy, but STDs and even death these days...<p>I guess my point is just that maybe the OW in your case thought this way, but I never thought that way. Many reasons contributed to why *I* decided to keep my baby by a married man--the least of which was to trap anybody... but that's just me.<p>But I hear you, maybe that was not my intention, but that is what happened? All I know is that I prayed that MM and his wife would never feel a financial burden as a result of CS and God blessed them. He got promotion after promotion until he made it to VP status. God worked it out. We had one court date and I never requested to have CS raised even tho I could have. The district attorney's office called me several times to tell me so.<p>And the amount of our child support? Well, I DEFINITELY didn't get rich off of it and after it was all said and done, it maybe covered about 1/3 of OCs expenses--if that? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I am totally grateful.<p>I agree about adoption but not everyone can just hand their babies over, regardless of how they are conceived. I couldn't do it so I guess I was not so smart and noble... Looking back, now that OC is grown, I'm SO GLAD I didn't do that. So much good has come to my life as a result of keeping this kid. Besides, there is no guarantee that adoptive parents' marriages will hold together for the children's sakes either...<p>For one, accountability to God for my actions has become the biggest part of my life as a result of my firstborn. I never want to have an affair again, ever. As a married person, I'm doing all I can now to protect myself against my own weaknesses. I pray for all MBers as well as the OPs that one day all can recover from the devastation that infidelity causes to them as well as all their surrounding loved ones, especially all the children.<p>Just offering my perspective and hopefully not intruding on your thread here...

Another reason why I decided to keep OC is because I had an abortion before. I was not thinking of the fetus as a baby, but as an "it" and "it" was part of HIM and I didn't want "it" inside of me. Maybe that is how some BS's feel about OCs--like they are an "it" and a part of HER... (?) Just guessing. I may be way out on a limb there...<p>After the abortion, I was not remorseful, not until I decided that what I had done was not right. Murder, actually... Then, I was very sorry. Up until then I wasn't sorry. And with the knowledge I had at the time of the abortion, I probably would have done it all over again the same way.<p>We do what we know and when we know to do better, hopefully we do better.<p>The next time I got pregnant I was not trying to get pregnant on purpose by a MM, I did use contraceptives, and I considered another abortion, but I couldn't do it. I drove past the clinic where I had gone before and it was deserted and abandoned with windows broken and the sign was halfway dismantled... creepy...<p>I had not told anyone about my situation although my mom and I were and are very close. I was alone in my own pain and confusion. I knew my family would be disappointed in me. I knew I would not have a father for the child. I knew I had blown it bigtime. When we sin in the dark, eventually it is exposed in the daylight for all to see.<p>Then one night, I was watching Christian tv (amazing how we start looking for God when things get rough)... There was a program on about abortion. Imagine that? One of the doctors was asked to discuss when life actually begins.<p>Here is what he said, "I can't say for sure exactly when life begins, but when a sperm and egg are joined, they become one cell. And in that one cell is everything that that person will ever be. The color of their eyes is already determined in that one cell. The color of their hair is determined. Everything that that person will ever be is already determined in that one cell... And that's how we all started."<p>That was the moment when I knew for sure that abortion was out of the question...<p>In my thinking at that time, I just never quite graduated to the concept of adoption. Like Julia said, I was not that smart or noble, I guess... I didn't take it to the next level--try to make the OC, or "it" disappear forever! (?) So I suppose in a way, that the buck did stop at my decision--keep it or throw it away or give it away. Would be so much easier to decide if we weren't talking about a human life here... and way late to be considering others' feelings--after so much selfishness...<p>But everybody is different. Everybody's values are different, even among those with supposedly the same beliefs so it's tough to lump all OW in the same pool and just declare the truth underneath it all. The underlying truths are different for everyone based on where we are in our individual journeys in life.

Wow Binthere,<p>Thanks for offering your p.o.v.
I've often wondered myself why it seems so hard for xows to do what seems to be right by the child, whether it be adoption or doing what's best for the situation.<p>I'm still so full of pain and disgust w/ the xow in my situation. She called all the shots at first and then we evened the playing field by going to court and filing for establishing paternity, support and visitation. We knew we'd be slammed w/ the support thing, but that was the only way to make sure she wouldn't try to play the manipulation games.<p>At least so we thought. Even after my H was orderd to pay 800 p/m she still found it necessary to make the visitation process unbearable. She seemed to be so attached to the child that she couldn't stand the thought of the baby bonding with my H and I without her being present.<p>We finally had to hire a lawyer to get reasonable visitation granted. Now that we're on our 6th week of regular visitation, things seem to be going better, but I can't help but feel like all of the previous antics weren't about the baby, but her own discomfort. Makes me sick to my stomach.<p>To make matters even more distasteful, now, her family, (mom and dad) are much more receptive to us. Her mom has actually suggested that my son (my H and I are adopting a baby boy) is just like her grandson?!?!?
Where was all of this "We are the world" emotion about $3000.00 ago? <p>I can deal with mistakes. I understand perfectyly well how adults can do things they later regret. I don't hold a grudge about the affair. I guard my marriage like a lioness, but I don't hold a grudge...crap happens.
HOWEVER, I do find it hard to respect her as her behavior after the baby's birth has been totally selfish and what seems to me spiteful. <p>HOW DO I GET BEYOND THAT????

Thank you btdt. Our situation is also unique. Both h and ow were to told by the medical profession that they could not have any or any more children. OW has a 10 year old. It had been 9 years since she had conceived and my h had never conceived. What about diseases you may ask? Well, it is obvious that they are still stupid...<p>Anyway, everyone involved was shocked beyond belief when ow became pregnant. H did not want the other child of course because he knew his cover would be blown. In a way, I look at the oc as blessing because had he not been conceived, I may have never known. If h didnt get caught, he may have continued to get involved with ow.<p>I know I am in the minority, but that is how I feel. I am not a martyr and I dont presume to know everything, but this is working for us. Our ow did not "trap" h. Affair was well over before she even knew she was pregnant. It probably occurred the last time they were "together". <p>Did she want h to leave me? Yes. Did she want h to be a full time dad? Yes. Did she get what she wanted? No. So everyone still loses. The real issue to me is the lack of respect for marriage. From everyone except the BS. Will it(society) get better? Doubt it. This particular forum gets new members weekly.<p>I just know that with God's help and a new year less than 8 hours away, my marriage will improve and my life will improve. With God's help, we will all survive.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]</p>

All I can offer is that MM in my case was VERY smart. He had a great lawyer and they made his finances look like he was deep in a hole with NO residual income made visible to the court, so there was NO WAY he was paying 800+ a month CS... in other words... We got A LOT less than that and I think overall, it was a fair amount. In fact, his bonus at work was more than my regular annual salary back then--it still might be! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Matthew, if there is any way to adjust your financial statements to make it look like you have NO savings and NO extra money, perhaps you could get it reduced, esp. if you have kids...<p>At least if you could reduce the monthly amount, it might relieve some of the disgust. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>tryin, I agree with you. OC definitely is and was a blessing to my life and a turning point for the better.<p>And hey, we ARE surviving! We're still here! Don't you think the enemy would rather we were all dead? I think that was his original objective. How many BS's say that they just wanted to curl up in a ball and DIE when they discovered infidelity had touched their marriages? (That's even WITHOUT an OC in the picture!) I'm positive that the enemy meant for the worse possible outcome for all of us... But what the devil means for evil, God turns for our good when we trust God. I can say in my life, that has truly been the case. I'm so grateful for God and His mercy. He can and will get us through the most difficult circumstances.

Okay, so some OW do have hearts. But anytime anyone has unprotected sex, a child can be conceived. Yes the men made the decision to have sex with the OW, but if she wasn't there offering it up on a silver platter, do you really think he would go for it, especially knowing that nine months down the road he would have living proof of what he'd done to his family? Yes, not every woman is alike. But the OW in my case even hit on him in front of me, she made a conscious decision to get pregnant, and when she did, she was the only one in the situation who got what she wanted. Now she doesn't have to work. With the combined CS she draws on both kids, she can spend her time doing what she wants to do and know the bills will still be paid. Wish I had it so frigging easy. But no, I do the right thing every day and earn my living. Scuse me if I don't feel sorry for her a bit. She had no business even touching my husband let alone conceiving a child with him. Both of the ignorant jerks deserve each other. Oh, but she doesn't have him either, even though she's got his son. So not only I lost, but she lost as well. Do you think it was really worth it??? I'll bet ya she still does. Sorry if I sound a little steamed.