Hello to all my friends,<p> A lot of new names...sad but at least we have somewhere to turn. Please read my post on the General Questions board. I post there sometimes when I want a broad range of opinions. I'd like to ask what you guys think, after much soul searching I bought a Christmas gift of OC (year old Dec 26) I told my husband that I was offering an olive branch to K. and that if we ever did get bsck together I would consider that child my step child and would be willing to have visitation. It's funny but someone told me about how an innocent child shouldn't suffer for the sins of the parents and that helped clear the hurt for me. I can accept this child. I can accept the affair. I can accept everything that happened. What I don't want to accept is the end of my marriage. That I am fighting for, but in a better way than I had before. On a good day I understand that if it doesn't work out I will have tried everything and can see what the rest of my life will bring. On a bad day I obsess like we all do. The good thing is there are more good days than bad days.
Another question; has anyone ever had phone counseling with the Harley's and was it worth it?
Kris<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: AKA Quakermom ]<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: AKA Quakermom ]</p>

AKAQuakerMom,
I am sorry to hear the marriage may be ending. I know you put up a fight and a half to save it and your H constantly wavered.<p>Sweetie how nice of you to buy the oc a present!<p>Be sure your acceptance of all that has happened isn't just because you want the marriage to work. Be true to your innerself. Only put up with what you can or you'll create built up resentment.<p>I am glad you are now having more good days than bad.<p>Here's to many more good ones!<p>love
Debi

Hi Gem,<p> I don't mean to imply the marriage may be ending even though we have been separated for more than a year. Read the post on the gen. ques. board. My husband and I are dating each other at least 1 time a week and he has been spending more time here with me and the kids. I was happily surprised by his Christmas card to me which stated how thankful he was to have me in his life and how thankful he was for me trying to "bring things back" I am doing my best Plan A and will see where it leads us. By buying a gift for the OC I wanted him to see that I accepted this child and could have a positive relationship with it. I'm curious, what did I say that implied the marriage was ending? Sometimes I'm oblivious. Thank you again for all your support
Kris

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and that if we ever did get bsck together <hr></blockquote><p>Oops! I thought it meant things were ending. Glad to read it isn't so. Happy you have a Christmas card filled with so much love.<p>love
Debi

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by AKA Quakermom:
<strong>...It's funny but someone told me about how an innocent child shouldn't suffer for the sins of the parents and that helped clear the hurt for me. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, I agree with you on this. Definitely among the first sentiments regarding my OC baby while I was pregnant. "Mommie is so sorry for my sin and how it will affect your life, but *I* do very much want and love YOU."<p>And even tho some BS's feel that the nightmare will end after 18 years of paying CS, the "nightmare" never ends for the OC--especially when they know how they were conceived, that they have no dad, etc...<p>OCs do deserve some measure of justice and compassion in their lives. They deserve to have their identity crises resolved in Christ. They probably need the most prayer of anyone in the whole infidelity mess! I think a betrayed spouse can recover a lot quicker than a small child who is surrounded by negativity among the adults in authority over them.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think a betrayed spouse can recover a lot quicker than a small child who is surrounded by negativity among the adults in authority over them.
<hr></blockquote><p>With all due respect, that child will not be a child forever. In our particular case, there are four innocent children of the home affected by this also. What my H and his OW did is a selfish thing. I do pray for the OC in our case, but I have not been led to make her a part of our lives now or ever. That is our choice. Let OW tell the child how she was conceived and to be frank, I don't think OW would tell her the truth anyway.<p>I do know that God allowed her to be born and that HE promised me that He would take care of her. I raised my two daughters by myself when my legitimate husband (at the time) abandoned us and left us homeless. My two girls are happy and well adjusted because I refused to say anything negative about their bio-dad. My H (Now) is the only daddy they know and he's their step-father. Their bio-dad saw them only once in 8 years. It's all how the mother raises them. ( my girls are 8 and 6...they were 18 months and a newborn when my ex-hubby abandoned us)<p>I understand that all circumstances are different and not all OW's are alike. I can understand that. I appreciate that fact too and I respect your posts and situations. But it will take me a long time as a betrayed spouse to recover from this.Especially hard in my case is that I was robbed of thinking that the special relationship I had with my H is tarnished as well as not giving him his first child. That was special to me and now it is gone...forever.<p> As far as the negativity of the "adults in charge" over OC's life...there isn't any from us as we do not interact with OW/OC at all and will continue to maintain no contact. <p>Simply put, I am trusting God to take care of the child, as it will end for us in 16 more years and if cirumstances change etc. then I will do what I need to do to adapt, but it will be by enthusiastic mutual agreement with my H and I as per POJA.<p>I have much respect for you and please do not misunderstand me...I am still very raw with all this.<p>I admire you greatly,
Hugs,
Twiisty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by twiisty:
<strong>With all due respect, that child will not be a child forever...
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Don't I ever know it! I guess what I was trying to say is that kids are malleable and their attitudes are influenced by their environment whether positive or negative. Guess I used a poor choice of words.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>twiisty said:
<strong>...it will take me a long time as a betrayed spouse to recover from this.Especially hard in my case is that I was robbed of thinking that the special relationship I had with my H is tarnished as well as not giving him his first child. That was special to me and now it is gone...forever.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I know, twiisty. One MBer said that infidelity never goes away, it's only a thought away and it's so true. The emotions rush over like it just happened... For you, it's total devastation--no comparison to what someone like me feels (total remorse, guilt, shame...), but still the emotions come forth... <p>I didn't mean to minimize anyone's pain in the least, just wanted to stress that OCs have pain that x-OW must face throughout OCs lifetime. I'm a living witness. It hurts me to see my kid suffer for my sins (emotionally and physically through serious health problems), and no matter how much I tried to protect him, he still suffered. He's doing well now, but he went through major changes in his life.

Hello - We all have such strong feelings about the OC/OW and they are all right - for each of us. I struggled with this - believe me. My therapist once told me I work very hard in therapy - and I think it's true because I'm in such a different place than I once was. Now this OC is extremely painful in many ways. #1 - all 4 of my children are adopted and this is my husband's first biological child. #2 It's a boy is named JR after my husband. #3 My children already deal with adoption/abandonment issues and for their father to leave was devastating. Last October, my 9 year old was taken by the police to the emergency room and held in the psychiatric ward for a few hours.
What is amazing is that my husaband and I have always both told the children that our difficulties were not about them. I have stressed to them MANY times that their father loves them. My teeth maybe clenched while I'm saying it, but it is what they needed. ASnd he has worked very hard at staying involved with them.
So I know this OC is the result of selfish acts on part of the adults and I have never been more devastated and betrayed but I choose to let it go...let it go... simple words but so accurate. I can't change it. I can only move forward. If I want to reconnect with my husband then I have to accept his son. My therapist told me - "You love all children (I teach Kindergarten and have 4 adopted children ages 7-15) - what makes you think you can't love this one?" I can, if I'm given the chance.
Kris

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Last October, my 9 year old was taken by the police to the emergency room and held in the psychiatric ward for a few hours.<hr></blockquote><p>QuakerMom, you can "love" all children but do you love your 9 yr. old more than your K class?<p>I thought so.<p>God gives us a chance to love HIS children, the ones we are given to raise. OW was given her own to raise and it has nothing to do with BS.<p>It has nothing to do w/BS.<p>I repeated that to let you see your c's pain! God allowed you to be the caretaker of his child. Be careful in your choices.
OC will survive! oc doesn't yet know what your 9 yr old knows...daddy left us for another c! Please fix your 9 yr old, love all of Gods children, but allow only what your family can deal with or you will hurt the 9 yr old. He may think dad choose bio over him!<p>Tread cautiously Quakermom.<p>God has indeed blessed you w/kids to care for. Now do HIS job w/o hurting them .<p>
Oh ! I will just pray for all involved.<p>love
Debi

[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Personally, I never cease to be amazed at what all the MBers are dealing with in their personal lives. Amazing people in the most amazing circumstances... I agree with gemini1 and I will continue to pray for everyone!!!