Hi. I have been trying to read a number of posts and stories, and I see that many relate to me. I need help. I know of no one in a situation even somewhat similar to mine and I am hurt and embarrassed and I don't know how to cope. I found out about OW/OC on 9/26/01. We have been trying to work through things, we have gone to therapy, are both on antidepressants, and are honestly trying to make our marriage better, but I just can't get over the pain. We were separated for the majority of 1999. I had our toddler and our infant and he had a girlfriend. He has lied to me for the past three years that she never existed until that fateful September day I had to hear the truth. He went to court and dealt with everything before he even bothered to tell me. I still can't deal with the lies and the mental picture of him with someone else that won't leave my head. And the financial situation, my two children(3 and 4) are having so much taken away from them so that their daddy can make a monthly "thank you" payment to his whore. I am being forced to get a second job just so we can keep our house, and I am being forced to put off finishing my degree because there is no money and we are already too far in debt. Please, some words of wisdom and hope from someone who has been there? I hate what we are all going through, especially my children. How can I be more stable for their sake?

Jenifer,
I'm very sorry you've had to join our group, but it is a pretty good group.<p>I need to brief but the thing that jumps out at me is why are YOU the one to get a second job when HE is the one who caused this fiasco? In my own personal opinion, little kids need their mama at that age, and Daddy ought to take personal responsibility by being the one to earn the extra income.<p>Again, I'm sorry you're in this. It's very painful. Do you have any religious faith? Take what works for you and leave the rest. I have to go for now but hopefully you'll get some good replies soon. Pls. read my "thoughts for newbies" post.<p>Best wishes,
J
in recovery 3 years and doing great

Hi Jenifer,<p>I know your pain. We all do? I just recentley caugh my BF of 9 yrs walking out of another OW's home. So now, I have end our relationship. We ingored our OW/OC situation for 5yrs. Wasn't good to do. All you're going to hear from everyone is acceptance and forgiveness. If that's what you truly want. It's a horrible pain to carry. So the way I'm coping now is, what's done is done. Can't do anything to change the situation. You have to keep going for yourself and your children. They need you. It's hard to understand why the people you love betray you. We can't answer that question. They can't answer it either. I think it's just pure selfishness. Good luck, keep your head up. It wasn't your fault. Stay strong

Jenifer,
I have to respond to 2bitter's post. We are hear to support you if you WISH to accept and forgive. This is marriagebuilders. We do not begin to say that it is easy or will not happen without casualties of heart, soul, and sometimes, marriages.<p>You are still in the very early stages of recovery and what you are feeling is normal. I am glad to hear that you and your h are in therapy. Often an objective party can help you both see what the other cannot show you.<p>We are a wonderful group of people, men and women, who will support you no matter what decision you make for yourself, your children, and your marriage. <p>We have all been there and done that so we know what you are going through. I do have one question, though. Your h relationship with this OW...did it occur only during your separation in '99 or before or after or all of the above? I just noticed that you said you were separated in '99. <p>We are here for you and will be supportive. Hang in there.<p>[ December 30, 2001: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]</p>

Thank you so much for the support, it is so helpful right now through the good and the bad days. Tryin4sainthood, yes, my husband's affair only occurred during the summer of '99 in Houston where he lived with his parents at the time. They worked together. Then, he transferred and moved to Dallas with me and our children and I have since found out, that shortly after he left, she moved to San Antonio and still lives there. As for why I am getting the second job instead of him, I am so afraid that she will find out he has more income and will come after that too. She is quite a golddigger. She never told him she was pregnant with his child. Instead, she sued him through the courts two years later and took him for all she could. I know if she couldn't find a way to take it from us now, she would in the future. She can't take any of the money I make, so I have to step up and take that responsibility so my family can survive.