Hello,
I just wanted to tell you guys about our first counselling session. <p>My H said that bringing up the A is not helping our relationship. I told him it was hard especially at the holiday session because while I was away in Az. he went out with her even though at that time nothing happened it just set the stage for something to happen. I wish I did not go to Az because I know he would of went out with me on New's Year eve and not Ow. OW new that I was gone and that is when she started calling him. I
just need to talk to about my feelings.<p>Well, the counselor agreed with my H that I should not bring up the A. I said I don't bring it up everyday maybe once a week. I said I will try. <p>
It did not work to well this weekend because that is when H started going out with OW. he said as friends. I was just so depressed all weekend. <p>I thought that I should be able to talk about my feelings and ask any questions that I want. Counsellor disagreed with me.<p>She also said that I need to start trusting him. I said to her that I thought the most important thing was to be honnest. I really don't trust him. My H works as a field counsultant going to different sites throughout the day checking on them. So I really don't know where he is most of the day and that is very hard for me. He would lie about being at at an account but instead be with her. <p>The counselor asked me if I believe my H when he says where he is. I said sometimes but sometimes I think he can be lying to me but I would not know if he is. So no I don't trust yet. He only came clean about everything back in Novemember. He did tell me he had an A back in Februrary but said it was a one night stand. He lied about that. It was not until Novemember that he came clean. Why do I have to trust him? I said I will eventually trust him to a point but I will never trust him 100% again. Then she said I should just leave him because if you can't trust him then there is no point in trying to save the marriage. I was wondering what you all think. I think that is wrong because look where trusting him got me. <p>My H was talking and I guess I interupted him because I wanted to ask him a question about what he had just said. Well, the counsellor told me to shut up that I need to listen to my H and don't talk until he is done. Those are the rules.<p>I made another appointment with her but I am thinking about cancelling. I really don't think she can help us. My H said it might do more harm then good. <p>Dawn<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

Dawn,<p>I think you should find another couselor. One that realizes you are going through an horrible time right now and your D-day has only been a few months ago. I can't beleive she told you to shut up! The only thing I agree about is you will have to reach a point where you're not talking about the affair all the time. We all reach that point eventually. I thought trust was earned I trust my H most of the time but I do have my moments when I don't beleive him. I agree with you I don't think I will ever trust him 100% again. Take your time and good luck.<p>
Unsure

OMG!!!! Find another counselor!! This one is way too one sided. What did she say about your h behavior? Anything at all? Your h probably loved the counselor. You need a counselor who will be objective.<p>I am so sorry that it went the way it did. I will be praying that God leads you both to the right counselor.<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]</p>

Dawn,<p>Absolutely agree! New counselor!<p>You give someone forgiveness. That is a gift you give. Trust on the other hand must be EARNED! You dont automatically trust someone again after they shatter your heart. There is a valid reason we automatically do not do that. It is a defense mechanism. Your counselor is an idiot and I would bet she has been an ow, either that or had an affair and wasnt able to work it out.<p>You H must earn that trust. And some of the last things I have heard from you says he has given it some effort. But it takes a lot of effort. And you are right, you might not ever trust him 100%. That is one of the consequences for everyone of the affair, but it will get better.<p>I am almost 3 years from d-day and I still dont trust my H. Of course he is now giving me good reason, but before I knew that I didnt either.<p>This lady sux. Get a new one. Sorry you found her. Good luck.<p>Love
bw

I have to jump in here...you need to find another counselor! She sounds down right RUDE!<p>When H and I went to counseling she told H that for as long as I need to talk about A and ask questions he was to listen and that it would take me a LONG!!!!! time to feel that I trusted him again.<p>I feel my blood boiling reading your post. You need someone to help you...this woman is not helping the situation with her comments and behavior towards you.<p>Good luck<p>Why

Dear Dawn,<p>My H and I went through 3 counsellors before we found anyone who we both felt comfortable with. Unfortunately, there are a lot of unsavory counsellors out there. Find a new one!!<p>Like Why said, our counsellor also told my H that what I needed most was to talk about the A, ask questions, even detailed ones, and that it would take a long time for me to get that need to talk about it out of my system.<p>I am shocked that the counsellor told you to leave your H! A good counsellor is supposed to guide you and allow the two of you to find your way and make your own decisions. <p>Some of the members of this forum have used the Harleys for counselling and they are supposed to be excellent. Their phone number can be found on the MB forum. <p>Good luck with your search -- saying prayers that you find the right person.<p>love,
heavenly

Dear Dawn, <p>I am soooo sorry that your first session went that way! I do agree with your husband, more sessions with her would be more harmful than better. You must've felt just awful! <p>I'm pretty sure that you said that counselors are limited in your area. I don't know how you would go about choosing a different one. Maybe when you call, ask if the counselor specializes in marriage counseling. I would be interested if you called *her* number at the office and asked that question, what they would say! <p>I know that there is a section on this site about how to find a counselor. I should read it! <p>I tell ya, my husband and I only went to 3 sessions (they were free thru work and we have no health insurance) and they were soooo important in our recovery. He finally came clean (i think) with everything. The counselor told him that he had to answer all of my questions, that it was important in my recovery. She was good, but talked too much about other people and their stories. Took up too much of our time!<p>Good luck, sweetie!!!!!<p>tinlizzy<p>p.s. good for your husband for going!!!! A step in the right direction!

I agree with the others....get a new one!
Praying that you'll find one that suits you!<p>Hugs,
Twiisty