Well D-Day for me was October 2000, our relationship is much better. Alot of great communication, (which was what He needed more of),my H is much more expressive, (which was what I needed more of) on how he feels about me, he is even into cuddling more. Let it be known my H was an athlete with mucho macho ego. So cuddling is a big deal. He tells me he loves me everytime we talk and I reciprocrate. Our sex life is awesome, incredible and better than ever. We work very well together and know we are going to make it, so you ask what is the issue? OC!!<p>I am not jealous or insecure when it come to the OW, I know that is done, dead gone. But when it comes to the OC I am very weak. It's a permanent tool for the OW to push her way in anyway into my H life. We have gone through dna and cs and it all down on paper black and white now. At the last court date my h informed the OW if he would have any desire to have any communication with OC it will be on our terms only and not to push, she seemly agreed.<p>Well last night I had an overbearing feeling this OW was not done yet. I decided to check his messages at work, that's where she would call. And for sure she called and had left a message on New Year's eve of the OC that the reason she call was to prove to him that the OC was asking and wanting to see him and that's all she called for. Now how does a child of 2 1/2 years not spending anytime/bonding with father, yearn for the father or really realizes that she is fatherless. This again is the OW, who took a picture of my H one day he went over to see the OC when she was 8 months old before dna out of couriosity. Since then there has been one phone call that I knew about because he told me he wanted to call before the last court date to see where the OW frame of mind was and he did said she put the OC on the phone and he just said HI. And now from all of this bonding in her durange mind the OC is now just holding on to the day he comes for a visit. So this OW must sit there with this picture and torture the OC, this your daddy,daddy. Even in the message you can hear the OW coaching the OC as to what to say. Probably had the picture in front of her so she can call out daddy. How can you come to terms with this? My anger is towards OW and how she is manipulating, torturing and tormenting not only our lives but of her own child. This is the hardest thing for me to over come. I do not have any worries of the OW getting to my H, but actually using the OC to try to. I do want to let go of this type of anger. I have so much resentment towards the OW for us and her child, it sickens me, I need help. We even got into an argument over communicating with OW for OC and he was really adamint that he is not interested and that he is having a time thinking about paying the cs for the first time at the end of this month. H blew up and said he cant take me going backwards about this issue with OW about the OC. He said he cant control the OW, if he could he would. We both relax and talked and told me not to worry and that he loved me and we both left for work. For those of you not dealing with visiting or relating to the OC, (possibilities in the future)but having to deal with OW still trying to nab at anything to be apart of your H's life, how do you deal? Sometimes I feel this will never end, it disturbs my peace alot. I seem to be waiting on what's next. Can any give me some insight?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by simplysad:
<strong>...how does a child of 2 1/2 years not spending anytime/bonding with father, yearn for the father or really realizes that she is fatherless...So this OW must sit there with this picture and torture the OC, this your daddy,daddy...I have so much resentment towards the OW for us and her child, it sickens me, I need help...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm....
I can't speak for OW in your situation, but first of all from one wife to another, you need a big, long squeeze, woman! COME HERE! <<<<<<HUG>>>>>><p>Okay, now that that is out of the way, let me gently say that if the OC is going to preschool, OC is old enough to recognize what a daddy is regardless of whether OW has mentioned anything about anyone. Maybe OC sees other kids' fathers at their school(?) Just guessing...<p>I hope OW is not so stupid as to be sitting around with OC showing pictures of YOUR HUSBAND and programming the child to recognize him as "Daddy." To me, daddy means someone who is there every day and night in the kids' daily life... Your H is forever off limits to her, so that takes care of that, like you said... He might be "bio dad" but not "daddy." Sorry...<p>I was reading someone's signature line over on GQII and it said something like, "resentment is the poison we take, hoping that someone else will die..." Think about that... In other words, it will kill you before it kills whoever. So you're right that it is not about what happens to us, it's how we deal with it and you are not quite in a healthy frame of mind.<p>If OW is not a threat to your marriage, then neither will 2-year old OC be a threat. You have survived the infidelity, IMO, now you just have to survive the imaginations that are being shot at your mind like fiery darts. The battle is in your mind. But the good thing is that we can control our thoughts. We can simply think about other more positive things.<p>I would suggest that you try to focus on all your blessings. Some marriages don't even survive infidelity, let alone an OC in the picture, but look--your marriage is still intact! That is a HUGE, MAJOR blessing! You found MB concepts--another major step in the right direction toward affair-proofing your marriage by filling ENs and avoiding LBs. You can just read here on this site about all the WSs who are shacking with OW and no OCs involved! All the WSs who do not want to work on their marriages and don't believe they "fit" with their spouses anymore--after being married for a lifetime with grown children!!!<p>You have too much going for you to take the poison! OW/OC is not your enemy--negative thoughts and your fears are seemingly your worse enemies. Exchange them for positive ones. Tell God what you are afraid of and let Him protect you from yourself. Ask Him every day for help and He will help you. He promised not to leave us without any help.<p>When my OC was 2, he announced to me very matter-of-factly, "My daddy is nobody." That is why I said that the OC in your case is probably old enough to realize there is no dad with or without input from OW...<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

simplysad,<p>I agree with what BtDt said. Your question, your pain, sounds so familiar; I want to try an answer:<p>Some pain you never "get over". You never "get over" losing a child. You never "get over" betrayal. There are others. You CAN find a way to live with it; if you're emotionally healthy, you eventually learn to quit obsessing about it, find some semblence of closure, forgive certain things and not talk about them much even when you never forget, and sometimes (like OC), the wound rips open and you must heal again. It sucks. It hurts beyond all reason, beyond justice, beyond anything fair.<p>I talked about OCs with my dear aunt whose H (my deceased bio-uncle) fathered 2 OC by 2 different women (same year she also had her last child!). Listening to her, I know there are parts of her that STILL hurt about it, 37 YEARS later!! How can it ever NOT hurt for your husband to do this to you?? But she learned to carry on, to do the best she could to live her life, etc. <p>You will never be the same, but you can have a good life again. You must make the decision to do that as best you can, or XOW will have destroyed your whole lifetime.<p>Betrayal is a grief process. I liken it to losing a child a lot, because I've been through both and honestly this (Affair/givingupOC) is on a similar emotional scale. The biggest difference is, unlike death, there is no closure w/OC. Someone recently posted that she and her H did better together after OC turned 18... well, 18 years is an awfully LOOOOONG stinkin' time to wait for closure!! <p>Your XOW doing to this OC while knowing your H doesn't want any contact is Really emotional abuse. I'm so sorry. Some people are beyond all reason, and the rest of us pay the price.<p>Prayers for your pain, all BS pain, prayers that God prevail in the lives of all XOW/OC, that Evil lose its hold on them, and peace be to us all. <p>Hugs,
Jenny
3+years recovery

Oops--double post [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>

Thanks for your replies.<p>I understand that holding on to these negative feelings lets the xOW get her way in trying to destroy us. I have been going to church alot more, but I am still worry. I worry when he's gone, because I know what type of person he is and than he does feel sorry for the OC. He does tell me its over with xOW no matter how many times he would see her because of OC. He says the OC situation put him in a backwards position and he too gets angry with having an OC and child support. Together from separate marriages we have four teenagers from 12-16yrs of age, three girls one boy. We have been together for nine years, since my youngest was 3yrs. He definetly does not want anyone to know about xow or oc. <p>I just try soo much to find peace. I know right now he is not dealing with any of it, saying oh well I just have to work harder to pay cs and if I ever want to see OC it will be on our terms. But he hasn't sent first payment of cs yet, its due Feb 1, 2002. What then the constant reminder of OC, the xOW calling to see her, will he or have any of your H's say well I am paying for it I might as well go see the OC. <p>I just seems to been going on since I found out. I got over the infidelity, but we have been dealing with the cs and paternity for a year and never seems to end. Now what and how is going to effect my H when he begins to pay cs? Did any of your H's change their mind as to seeing the OC after paying for child support? How did you get through it? I think I need something more that church and prayer. I don't have money or insurance to see a doctor. I need a woman's group, know of any thing that's free?
HELP!!!!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Did any of your H's change their mind as to seeing the OC after paying for child support? How did you get through it? <hr></blockquote><p>Oh, my husband changed all right...it took a screw up from our atty. and we were out of $660.00 the week before Christmas. My H was livid and really mad at himself. I think that was one of the full impact of the long range consequences of what he did hit him. He was mad at himself for two days. It actually made me feel better in a twisted sort of way... He couldn't get some presents that he planned to buy and we were short on food. We have four mouths to feed. Ever since that last payday, he's been even more loving and attentive to me because I did not say ONE word about the money going to whore.<p>How I got through this and continue to go through this is I will be the one who signs all the checks for the next 16 years. OW wanted to be me, she wanted to be Mrs. Twiisty's H. so she gets to see my signature for the next 16 years. Personally, I am glad she is going on with her life as I am too. Not that I don't have my moments though.<p>It just takes time. I can't believe I am almost four months away from my d-day anniversary!<p>It just takes time. It sucks. It hurts. But I get through...my faith carries me through and the wonderful support of some of the ladies here really help me.<p>Hugs to y'all....
Twiisty