Dear Math,<p>I am relatively new to this board, but I have read all of your posts...unfortunately there aren't many to read. You obviously have gained insight with the reflection that goes with dealing with this situation for over 20 years. I hope you will read the board and comment on the following subjects which are of great interest to me.<p>My main concern is the impact that the knowledge of OC will potentially have on my children. (Ages 19 and 15). The OW is not forcing a relationship yet(she disclosed the OC in July after 10 years of no contact and requested paternity testing), however, I do anticipate the child's desire to get to know her biological father to increase as time goes by. That eventuality makes me feel it will be necessary at some point to tell my children. Which brings me to my question... when did you tell your children and how did you tell them? I know they are grown now, so how did it impact their relationship with their father initially and then long term?<p>I realize I am in search of answers which may not exist because everyone's situation is so unique to them, but any insight you can give me would be so appreciated. I want to minimize the hurt to my children, yet I don't want to harbor this secret forever, constantly worrying if and when it will be revealed accidentally, and by someone other than their parents. Of course, my husband would like to delay the telling forever, because he realizes the hurt he has caused and will cause to the people he holds dearest. As selfish as this may seem however, I also do not want to risk something happening to him and me be left to shoulder the responsibility of telling them by myself.<p>Sorry for the rambling.
Thanks,
Posey

I'm hoping to hear from math123 myself. I wish the wise ole owl would post again as she gave me so much insight.<p>love
Debi

Posey<p>I know that your question is directed to math123, but perhaps I can offer one instance of impact on older children. <p>I have only posted on this board a few other times and my story is, as all others here, unique.<p>It has been a year since my sons (both married), aged 36 and 28, and I discovered that the younger is not biologically mine but the result of a 27 year long EMA my wife had. That OM died over 7 years ago, and this revelation was only uncovered when I found out that she was in a second short term EMA last Christmas. It was necessary to tell the children at the time because the hospital felt that I may have been suicidal and would not release me without a family member to assure my safety. Initially my sons rallied around me and helped me until she came home and stayed for the confrontation.<p>My W and I have worked extremely hard over the last 12 months and thanks to many wonderful counselors and therapists, we are closer now than we have ever been. It has been the most difficult obstacle we have encountered in our lives. <p>The agonizing thing for us now is the fact that our oldest son has completely withdrawn from us now and has stated that he doesn&#8217;t want to &#8220;ever speak to his mother again&#8221;. Along with that he has stopped communicating with me as well. My therapist has suggested that, in his mind this is perhaps my punishment for remaining with her. The younger son has done very well under the circumstances and although he is very angry and upset, he is still at least talking about the situation with his mother and me, as a matter of fact he is our conduit to his brother. We still love them both as much as ever and I wish they had never found out about this because they are both in such pain. <p>Do I recommend that your children not be informed? No, I feel the truth will come out at some time in their lives and it is best that it comes from someone that they love. Just be prepared for the worst and take anything else as a positive. <p>I wish you and your family only the best in the trying times ahead.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Usedlongago ]<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Usedlongago ]</p>