I understand that holding on to negative feelings lets the xOW get her way in trying to destroy us. I have been going to church alot more, but I am still worry. I worry when he's gone, because I know what type of person he is and that he does feel sorry for the OC. He does tell me its over with xOW no matter how many times he would have to see her because of OC. He says the OC situation put him in a backwards position and he too gets angry with having an OC and child support. Together from separate marriages we have four teenagers from 12-16yrs of age, three girls one boy. We have been together for nine years, since my youngest was 3yrs. He definetly does not want anyone to know about xow or oc. I know at some point it will not be our decision when the OC is an adult and wants to find us. But he is so adamant about protecting our kids and all other family members. He says he realizes it not the OC fault, but he did not make the decision to get pregnant. Even though he knows he got caught with his pants down and it was stupid, the A was in no way a situation to bring a child into the world. <p>I just try sooo much to find peace. I know right now he is not dealing with any of it, saying oh well I just have to work harder to pay cs and if I ever want to see OC he hope I would support him and the OW will have to take it by his terms not hers. But he hasn't sent first payment of cs yet, its due Feb 1, 2002. <p>It just seems to been going on since I found out. I got over the infidelity, I truly forgave my H for the act of A, but we have been dealing with the cs and paternity for a year and never seems to end. Now what and how is going to effect my H when he begins to pay cs? Did any of your H's change their mind as to seeing the OC after paying for child support? How did you get through it? I think I need something more than church and prayer. Not to say less of God, but I can't stay in church all day. I don't have money or insurance to see a psychologist, they are very expensive in CA. I need a woman's group, hobby, something,know of any thing that's free? I know some of you might say can't she think in her own, alot of times my heart and brain hurt of the OC situation where I can't think or eat for days. Maybe I need a vacation a weekend away from home, from everybody.
HELP!!!!!!

Dear Sad,<p>I am so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I have been real bad about replying to newbies lately and I apologize for that.<p>I hate to say this, but it has only been a year. Some people seem to recover quicker but from what I have seen it starts really getting better around year two. For some it is longer. I think a lot depends on the H's cooperation in being honest and trying to regain trust.<p>My H acted like he wanted a relationship with oc. That lasted until ow filed for cs. We had already been paying but she got pissed and decided she was gonna screw us. It changed everything. Of course he has never met oc. No bonding, no nothing.<p>It is a good sign that your H is wanting to protect his family above all. His priorities are were they should. He is doing a good job.<p>As far as your recovery goes, just be patient. You can give forgiveness to your hubby, but he has to earn the trust back. Once you feel some of that coming back you will feel better. Give it time. Keep going to God. You can do it where ever you are. You dont have to be in church.<p>God bless......
Love
broken_wings

Yeah,
Listen to broken_wings, she has definitely been there and done that whereas I have not...<p>I think prayer is very powerful so please do not underestimate God's ability to give you His peace through your asking for it. HIS peace is key because we cannot even comprehend the peace of God. It will make you joyful deep inside while everything seems to be falling apart because you have a sense of security in KNOWING HE will take care of everything. His peace gives us hope for a good outcome.<p>I also agree with you that you need strong people around you to encourage you. Unfortunately, I don't know if you will find any betrayed spouses as strong as I have noticed who post on this forum! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] The godly strength and courage of BSs here with OW/OC issues continuously amazes me. You may find that some of their marriages have recovered, some have not, but one thing you will find here is strength...<p>In the meantime, I'll be praying for God to reward your H for all his hard work so that CS won't be a big financial strain on your family, which comes first. Raising 1 teenager is no easy task--let alone 4! You can and will get through this. The emotional strain and burden is too much for you to carry so you have to bend over and let it roll off your back never to lift it again.<p>I'll tell you like everyone gets told: take some timeouts for YOU and you alone. Go for a quiet walk, take a nice hot bath, exercise, just do something in a special timeframe set aside for pampering yourself and positiveness...<p>And don't forget to ask God and keep on asking for Him to give you His peace. He never runs out!<p>p.s.I'll go for a quiet walk with you. I'm in southern CA. Where are you?<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Hi simplysad! (I pray for the day you can change your name!)<p>I am truly amazed. Isn't it weird how we can have advice for someone else but find it so hard to take our own advice? I say this because I go throught the same thing on a daily basis. I, too, have forgive my h for the A, but still find it difficult to find peace.<p>I have a few questions for you though. Do you feel threatened by the OW? Do you think she still wants your h? Does she try and use the oc as a pawn to get back with your h? If so, don't be surprised. This is typical of the majority of OWs. They feel rejected and have a fatherless child as a constant reminder of their poor decisions. Very few and far between are the instances where an OW realizes there is no future and go on with their lives in the knowledge that they are special with or without a man and that their child is just as special. The others, however, know they are not wanted in that way anymore and refuse to accept it because they want what they had and what they feel they deserve. Even if it's just for show, they'd feel better if they had a family and a father for their child. <p>Please don't let these negative thoughts get in the way of your recovery. Your h has his own issues about the A, OW, and OC that only he and God can figure out. If you're lucky enough to have a h who is courageous enough to invite you into his world and tell you how he truly feels, then nod your head, hold his hand, and show him undying SUPPORT in the decisions he make TODAY. No one else in the world will. Trust in his words, not in the person. The problem I face daily is putting my trust in people (imperfect, sinful, mistake-making people) who always fall short. Instead, I should be putting my trust in God. I can always trust Him to do right by me. <p>Continue to post here. I have found no one or nowhere else to turn and it's helped alot. Just in the act of putting it down in written form helps. Why pay money to a stranger to tell you things you already know? Do so if you know it will help because I want you to heal, but we're here for you. We're here for each other.<p>Peace is all any of us want and when we get it, we'll know it. Please don't look outside for it because you'll never find it. You'll always have obstacles to endure. Faith in the fact that you will survive this is key. Because you will. It does take time. It's been almost 4 yrs for me.<p>If you'd like to talk ANYTIME, email me at lilmomma_26@hotmail.com. Take care and God Bless.

Thank you guys soo much. I also live in southern CA. Wow because some days I work late and always wait until the next day to get answers, I never thought someone was close to me. <p>You ladies are wonderful, giving me advice, just answering back, it just a big relief. There could never be enough thank you's. BIG HUG!!!<p>Well last night I did decide to take a long bubble bath, as I was home alone. My H came home about 20 minutes later and sat with me in the batheroom, I guess he could feel I was having a rough time. He asked me what is really bother me was it the thought of OW or OC. Well, I told him I really feel any threat as far as the OW, but the OC was a different issue. Even though OW knows it will never be anything between you and her, she will use the OC. I told him I never thought ill of OC, I really felt sorry for OC. But I felt that it would never be shut doors on the OW because she would use the OC by any means necessary to get to H. He then replied, I really never wanted to tell you bluntly how I feel about the OC. I too feel sad for the OC but I do not consider it as my child I have my children. His two kids from a previous marriage and my two from a previous marriage (4 teenagers 12yr-16yrs old). H said he could not bare the thought of telling the kids or anyone in our family about OC. He told me he knew that he had said that down the line he may want to see OC, but he realizes that would only open a can of worms because of OW. He realizes there is no father feeling for the OC and it would be best to stay completely out of the situation and pay cs. We both realize when the child is an adult there are possibilities OC will look for us and we will deal with that when it comes.<p>I did feel much better now, we prayed together and I felt god's peace come over us. I suggest we read the story of Sarah and how with the approval of god they let go of the OC in there situation. He agreed. I know there will be somedays of little demons trying to get back in and the OW bothering, but I know he will let me know and we will deal with it together.<p>I feel like a new person today. I feel so light. I love my H so dearly. Through all of this I never thought once of my life without him in my life. <p>Once again I am thrilled an very thankful I found this site and all of you. Hugs and Kisses to all. <p>Hey if you are in southern CA, if you don't mine telling what city, maybe we could meet (start our own therapy sessions/club) or exchange emails. <p>Thanks a million$$$$$$!!!!!!

Simplysad,<p>I, too, live in Southern CA... I am in MN right now trying to convince my h that we should move to CA because i am NOT living in MN anymore when ow lives a couple minutes away. My hometown is in the city of Rancho Cucamonga, have you heard of it? It is near Claremont, Upland, Ontario area. I am planning on moving the rest of my stuff back to CA in about a week or so (if my h does not choose to tell me that he is willing to move soon, then i am not looking back to this Hell on Earth of a place -Minneapolis, MN).<p>I would love to get in on the therapy sessions or even just meet for coffee sometime when i get back to CA. I met with another member on this site and i tell ya, it was such an amazing blessing. I hope that we will be able to meet when i get back in town.<p>I think it is wonderful that you are going to church and depending on God's strength to get you through this. I don't know what i would do without HIM! What church do you go to? I started going to Calvary Chapel, Diamond Bar and i really like it. The Pastor is very sound and doesn't pull any punches about God's word. I just really love the music (worship time) and hearing truth for whatever time i am at church. When i walk out the door, i wish i could go back in because i am afraid of how cruel the world is. But like you said, we can't live in church.<p>Hope to meet you soon,
Julia
If you want, you can email me at julia1367@yahoo.com<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

I'm in Long Beach, down the street from CSULB.

I grew up in Long Beach and have relatives living in rancho cucamonga. Hope its all right that I entered your conversation.

Fullhouse, <p>Sure, you can enter the conversation. We are all friendly here... well, most of us are, i think. So do you live in Long Beach still? Let's all get together for a coffee or something, or maybe possibly starting a little therapy group like Simply sad mentioned. I am up for starting a Bible Study that might address our circumstances and also growing in the Lord.<p>Where are you, Simply sad?

Well girls,
WHO ELSE could we talk to about this stuff???? I must say that I do have a lot of "friends" but I don't openly discuss this aspect of my life very often... However, you can tell by my posts that this is A BIG PART of my life as OCs are people who are born and live and grow up and keep on living, God willing...<p>Keep me posted on a get-together. It makes my heart pound just thinking about it tho, I must admit... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey, <p>I am right here. I had a busy weekend. It's so funny I thought I was speaking with people really far away. I live in Ontario, CA. Wow. We should really get together. I go to Calvary Lighthouse church in Ontario, on 6th and Grove. I would love to visit at Calvary Chapel in Diamond Bar. Can you believe I live in Ontario and work in Laguna Hills. I work 6am-2pm, maybe that's why I am a bit off on replies, by 5pm in the evening I am ready to call it a day. I would love to me all of you ladies. Lets try. My email is: puzzled@gte.net<p>Have a wonderful day.

simplysad, wow that's a pretty long drive every morning. at least you get to leave early enough to beat most of the traffic both ways and it must have been a God send when the toll road opened. we have been in the south county for 16 years now and know the l.h. area very well. i havce done tons of work in the city. if you don't mind my asking, where do you work? i have been into many business's there and there is a chance that we know each other and don't even know it. what a small world if that were the case.

Simplysad,<p>Wow, ONTARIO!, that is just like 15 minutes away from me! Yay! I am still in MN right now but i presume i will be leaving (hopefully)in the next few weeks, maybe sooner, of course i need to get the strength up to leave. I am weak and am fearing the day i leave because i know it will be hard and there will be mucho tears coming out of my eyes. <p>So hopefully we can all get together and talk and vent and eat or something, anything. I am really hoping we can. I met with another member a couple weeks ago and it was a real blessing.<p>Look for an email from me soon.<p>God Bless,
Julia

Hi,<p>I got your email. Thanks, you will NEVER know how much it meant to me. Please keep in contact when you get into town. <p>I know it hard to leave. I had to do this with my first marriage. He was abusive. Physical abuse and Love what a deadly combination. It took me a long time to decide to leave as a matter of fact I left twice. The second time was it though my daughters were 1yr and 11months old. It was hard all the wondering will I make it. But I did. It was scary at first, but as I found a good center to look after my kids and found a job and I got into myself I felt wonderful. <p>If this is what is in your heart to do, do it you can make it, we as women are physically ready to make a change we are a very strong species. Emotionally, we take a bit longer time to heal. Come out I'll help you with everything I can,I am a good resource. I am a fighter and very independent soul.<p>Keep in touch. <p>Hey, Pops you wanted to asked me some questions before but I can't find your email. My email is puzzled@gte.net. Give me some words.<p>Bless all of you. All are in my prayers. My God's peace and love cover you all as a warm blanket on a cold day. Comforting.