had to write in again-having a terrible night. It's only been one month since I found out-One tiny little month but tonight is another night where I feel I just can't take the pain anymore. H and I usually have really good days and we've never talked so much before but every couple days or so I completely break down. After reading so many posts one thing I've learned is that alot of time can only heal but it feels so unbearable at times I wonder why I'm putting myself through this. I feel I can no longer physically or emotionally take the pain. It really does feel like your heart is being torn from your chest and the thoughts that you can't control from entering your mind make you feel like just ripping it out so you don't have to feel anything anymore. I am so tired of crying and feeling emotionally drained from all this. I am just TIRED.
The OC hasn't been born yet but it can come any day now and the more I try to reason out and question my h so I can believe it somehow is not his, the more it occurs to me that it probably is. I don't think that's the toughest part though, we're in some kind of defensive mode where we want to protect our family and what we have and that has brought us closer together.. I feel like the most difficult part to deal with is that he went to another woman and not me when something was going wrong in his life. He can't explain why it all happened (I do know he is very sorry for it)but that doesn't help me. I think it makes the whole thing worse. We've been together 11 years-married 6 and I never felt any less in love with him than I did in the very beginning. What happened to make that all change for him??? How could he risk everything we have and our wonderful children for a complete stranger??? I wish I could go back to that time and be in his mind to see how he justified it all and even though it lasted only a few weeks it still hurts as much because those were a few weeks of my life that I can't get back where I lost him not to mention the months he did't tell me where I thought I was living with a stranger.
Sometimes I feel so strong that I can overcome it all and the next minute I'm falling apart. We've all ready started counseling-went to one session-it helped in terms of our future but I need help in trying to overcome and accept what has happened. The betrayal is the worst thing. I hope our future visits will help me deal with the A, I feel I can't move forward otherwise.
On top of everything I am so angry at this woman. She told him she could no longer have kids (after 3 all ready). That doesn't make what he did easier or excuse him for the additional turmoil we have to deal with but I can't comprehend what she was doing. She lost custody of all her kids, what was she thinking taking a chance at having a fourth. She was obviously lying to him but why?? Does she think that having a child with a different man each time will somehow find her one that will stick around. The things I have heard about her tell me she's just bad news but that didn't stop my H from being attracted to her somehow. That just kills me.
Sorry I've written so much but I had to blow off some steam. It helps just to get it all out and I would scream it all out at my husband but I actually feel sorry for him because I see in his eyes when he looks at me that he is sincerely sorry for it all and would take it back in a second if he could and I see his pain when I cry and I know he would give the world to me if it helped me get over this but all he can do is hold me until my crying spells are over. I love him more than anything and he doesn't know it but just being there to listen and hug me is the world to me.
Thanks for listening.

natalia,<p>I'm going through much of the same emotions and feelings you are and oc can come anytime now also. I really can't offer much advice right now because we seem to be in the same place and I too wonder how I am ever going to get through this. My H is doing everything possible and yes it helps to know that I can cry and he is there to hlep me through those moments. You aren't alone and it does help coming here knowing there are others either going through it with you or have already been there and can offer so much.

I will be thinking of you
Jules

natalia and Jules,<p> What you girls are feeling was exactly the same as I felt. I remember thinking its never going to go away and begging for someone to tell me how.
It all takes time but it really does go away. Coming here and knowing I'm not alone has helped so much its beyong words.
In time you will find a few days have gone by and no tears then a week then two and so on. I promise the sadness will pass. We all seem to have to go through these stages. Your feelings are normal your not alone. Hang in there tommaro is a new day.
with love flowerseed

It must be nice to actually FEEL that your h is truly sorry and you can actually see it in his eyes when he looks at you. I just don't feel that and it really sucks! I tell him that and he says things like, "what do you want me to do to prove it to you?" I think i would just know, i just know that I WOULD JUST KNOW. <p>He is focused still on planning hunting trips, lying still to me about interaction with ow, just off in la la land getting on with his life while i am sad about 95% of the day. He just acts like nothings happened and that we can just move on without talking about it... he is ready to move on but i just can't - how can i ?

Hello,
My OC was born on Oct.16 2001 and I still have all the same feelings but I have notcie that I do not think about as much anymore. I actually had some days that I do not think about it. It just seems to takes time. <p>The not knowing if OC is my H is the worse. OW said it his but before the A she admitted that she slept around but was not seeing anyone at the time, but she has not contacted my H since March and did not tell him OC was born he found through a friend. H asked to see the baby and she never responded to him.<p>We do not know what her plans and she has refused to talk to my H. As of right now she does not want anything to due with my H, but I keep thinking that can all change.<p>Dawn

natalia,<p>I don't have wonderful words of wisdom for you, just a heart that hurts like yours. I've had five months since d-day and there was a time a while back that I wasn't crying everyday. Sadly, I'm back to feeling sad more often. I know it will pass but it sure stinks when it's happening.<p>I figure if I let my sadness run it's natural course I might be surprised one day to wake up and feel better!<p>H has had 3 other children with OW (before we were married or together...one died at 5 weeks old). OW has had 7 children ...two have died, two were taken from her by the state, and for a short time two of H's were taken by the state and put into foster care while she was pregnant with OC (I didn't know it was H's at the time!). The hardest part of all of this for me is HOW!!!!!!! could he choose her over me, his wife! I want to say to him when you heard her first child was her step-brother's didn't the big red "trashy" flag go off for you?<p>I just don't get why they can't explain why. I'm so tired of hearing I don't know why I did it, I'm sorry. It was a mistake.<p>I've read other replies where the H has said (like my H) I've been convicted, tried, found guilty. Just let me do my time and not bring it up again. I feel like I've been given a life sentence for a crime that I did not commit.<p>It feels like emotional rape, spiritual murder and phyical heart ache all at once. I know the pain you are talking about. I've been in the car driving by myself and let out these primal screams that scare me!<p>I have been helped so much by this board. You can see by my number of posts that I don't post often, but I read EVERY message posted here and it has been a life saver for me.<p>I wish you peace and a heart that feels whole again.<p>(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))<p>why

To everyone that has responded to my message, I thank you very much. It truly helps to know that there are so many others who are going through this same pain and I am able to confide my feelings to you all. I'm just sorry we all had to meet in such a way. I wish I had time to post back to each and every one of you but I can't right now-kids to take care of etc. I will be back in touch soon. You are all in my thoughts. Thank you-natalia.