<<Since my mom is on this site off and on i didn't want the title to catch her eye. If she read this, she wouldn't be mad though. I think that she would be glad that i have also found a way to vent and get these feelings out of my system, at least for a little while. I can just talk easier if it seems anonymous. But i am leaving my story so that others might see what their children are or could be going through.>><p>Okay, i feel really odd being here but, oh, well. My mom showed me this site so that i would understand how she is dealing.....let me give a synapsis of what's been going on. I am sorry this is so long but i just need someone to listen.<p>I am 20 years. old and going to a school 300+ miles from home. I have a VERY supportive bf who has been helping me through all of this. Here it goes. Last year, Sept. 2000, i found that my parents were going to MC. I was upset but i knew that our family had always had trouble expressing ourselves, so, i understood. Whatever went on was never dicussed w/ my bro and me. When i came home from school it was like everything was okay. Then in Sept. 2001 my dad called on my cell. I was at a freind's having a cookout. He tells me that we need to talk. In the next 5 min. he tells me that he has been having an affair, that he's sorry, he still loves me, i had nothing to do with it, bye. You can imagine how i felt. I managed to go on with school and activities. <p>I didn't know what was going on at home and i couldn't drive home to find out. No one would tell me what was going on and i felt helpless. THEN....in the beginning of Nov., dad tells me that he is thinking of getting a new job...in a different town. I thought about this a lot. The next week, i get a message to call dad when i a chance. He had called in the morning, so i called him at work. They said, and i quote, "I'm sorry, he doesn't work here anymore. Didn't anyone tell you?" I was more than pissed off. I found that he hadn't been working there since that Mon. I called on Fri. <p>I talked to dad that night. He said that he was reeeeaaalllly sorry and that he should have told me sooner. Once again, i forgave him but i was still mad. The next day mom called to see how i was doing. She asked if i was all caught up in family stuff. I said i didn't know anymore. I should be asking her and dad that. Mom said that there was something else that she had better tell me, she was pregnant, and it was an abnormal pregnancy. This was an emotional overload b/c i worry a lot about my fam., especially my little bro, age 15. I called work and told them that i couldn't make that night. The next morning, i get a call from dad, mom had miscarried and was in the hospital.....i was very upset, felt helpless, and still very mad with my dad. <p>The next month i fell into a depression. I couldn't sleep at night, cried at the smallest things daily, felt helpless, my grades fell, i didn't go out anymore b/c i didn't feel like it, and couldn't go home. I didn't know how to talk w/ my parents about what was going on. Meanwhile, my bf would hold me while i cried. He told me that no matter what, he was going to be there for me and that he loved me, that i have to be strong and get some help. <p>The next week i went to a counselor, he explained that i spent so much energy caring about everyone else that i needed to care about my self too. (I had a friend that got in a car wreck and she was in a coma for over almost two weeks. She has slight brain damage now. I was also still coping with another friend who had committed suicide.) My counselor told me that i needed to talk w/ my dad and tell him how he had made me feel.<p>Christmas break came and i said good-bye to my bf for 3 weeks. He told me that i was strong and i could get through this. I waited until after Christmas to talk w/ dad. On the Thur. after X-mas, i told him what i went through at school and how he had hurt me. I cried a lot, and so did he. I had thought that i had touched him in some way, but i guess not.<p>On Fri. my mom, bro, one of my bro's friends and i all went on a weekend trip. Dad was to go fishing w/ a cousin. 5:30 Sat. morning the phone rings, it was dad. Later i found out that he told mom that he was sorry for what he did and that he wanted to recommit to the marriage and family. I was happy but he still had to earn back my trust and respect. When we returned home, it still didn't feel like anything had happened and i got this burning question in my head, what he still seeing this OW? I couldn't sleep again. For two nights i pondered this. <p>Finally i decided the only wasy to know was to ask. I asked him, and he said that he had seen OW Fri. night, the night after i poured out my heart to him. I got raging mad. I asked him if he realized what he was doing to our family, to mom, to bro, to me, and all of out interactions with other people. I asked him if he realized that if the marriage didn't work out that he would lose everything, the house, car, and bro. I said who knows, he might have already lost bro b/c he has withdrawn form the family as much as he could. I was disgusted at the fact that no one had even talked to bro, and he sees everthing that goes on, all the fights, the way that mom and dad interact w/ each other. Dad said that he had not ended contact w/ OW. I told him that if he was willing to recommit to the family that it had to first start by ending this other relationship. Ahhhhhh! I was so mad! I told him that he was doing nothing to show that he was sorry for what he did and that he had to earn back everything. Something esle i found out was that the A had been going on for 3 YEARS!!! And that mom din't find out until June! <p>Two days later i was still i was still mad. One of my friends told me that dad had been seeing this other woman. Another one!!! I talked to to my bf that night and after we hung up i thought that i would sleep well, year, right. I couldn't sleep. I thought that if i wrote a letter to dad without holding anything back, he might understand what he had done. <p>I ended up writing a five page letter. I told him that i didn't respect him any more, i told him exactly what i thought about him calling at 5:30 in the morning after F***ing the OW all night long. I talked about how he has affected my bro's life and asked dad what life lessons he was teaching him. I wrote about morals, that if he admitted that he did something wrong and ended it, asked for forgiveness, that i could respect him a little bit more. I asked him if he recognised the words, "Thou shall not committ adultry." (He is pretty involved in the chuch, but not till this last year or two, i think that it is out of guilt.) I also said that until he could act like a man and realize that he made a mistake his getting a second chance at fixing it, that i don't want to talk to him. I set it in the bathroom. I knew he would find it b/c he is always the first to get up and get ready. I after i wrote the letter, i finally got to sleep. <p>Then next morning i woke before mom went to work. She said that i really hurt dad and that he was crying when he left. I said good, now he knows what it is like to just sign someone off as not important. That night he got home, he was very quiet. I went to watch my bro practice basketball. I decided that if we were to be a fam that not talking was not going to be the way to get there. I talked to dad and told him that i am sorry for writing the letter but not for how i feel b/c he has to know how i feel. Mom came in at this time. She said that dad knows that he hurt me and bro. I said i know but all he is doing is sitting there twiddling his thumbs like he doesn't know what is right and what is wrong.<p>I told them that if they are wanting to make this marriage and the family work that first they have to forgive each other. And that they not only have to work on communication with each other, but also with my bro and me. Which also, up to this point, neither of them had talked to my bro. I also told them that i was going to be leaving early so that i could relax alittle and that it is not my job to talk to bro b/c i am not the parent. That is their job. With that we decided that everyone had had their say for the night and we watch Demmi Moore kick butt in G.I. Jane. It even looked like dad was trying to put a little effort into talking to my little bro in small talk. <p>Still up to Fri. they still hadn't talked to bro. I decided that i would talk to him Saturday night. We went for a drive. First started talking about his game that he had that night. Then i brought up the subject of mom and dad. It was really hard for him to talk. He said that it really upset him but he didn't know how to deal w/ it. He said that his biggest fear was that if mom and dad forgive each other would it be b/c of him until he graduates and then will they split up b/c they don't have anymore kids in the house to worry about. I told him that both mom and dad have made mistakes and that they are trying to forgive each other. That neither he nor i had anything to do with their problems, even though their problems also make us hurt. I told him that no matter what happens that they will still love him and me and that anytime he feels upset or sad that he can call me anytime, night or day. <p>So this is where i am right now. I think i have pulled myself out of my depression a little bit, but still neither one of my parents have talked to my little bro. I leave tomorrow to go visit my BF, he lives about 9 hours away. Hopefully i will have time to relax and get my barrings before school started up again. I told my parents that even though i may seem upset at everything i found out, it is better knowing. My biggest fear is that once i go back to school, they will stop talking to me and i will feel helpless again. At least here i can read everyone's body language, but over the phone, we are going to have to talk.<p>I know that i have committed some LBs for my mom, but it is also important that they know how they are affecting my bro and me. Me, i am an adult, i can make decisions on my own, most of my development is done. I worried most about my bro and how this is affecting him and what he is learning from all this. Thank you for reading this. I need all the support that i can get so i can be strong for both my bro and me. Now all i can do is wait, to see what mom and dad decide what to do.<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Blue ]<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: Blue ]</p>

Dear Blue, I am so sorry your family is going thru this. The one good thing going is you do not mention a child by the OW. Your strength at this time I find phenomal at your age. The things you did for your brother, your concern, are inspiring. I have a dau your age, she has not had to walk in your shoes because she doesn't know her dad had an affair 10 years ago or that she has a half-sister the age of her little brother. Enough about us.
Maintain the strength you have shown currently. Like the counselor said, you MUST take of yourself, esp now while you are in school. don't let your parents problems cause you to bottom out in school. All you can do is be there for yourself and your brother. Your observations to him I think were caring and insightful. You two should stay in touch and support each other. Your parents must face their problems and figure out where they are going.
Hopefully they will remember that love is an action verb, it doesn't just happen. If you love someone once, then you can love them again. Being in love is a drug, and is short lasting.
I hope they get it back together, and have a longlasting relationship. If they don't, that is their problem. You and your brother will have go on with their mistakes, but don't let their mistakes become yours.
I send you hugs ((((()))))), and good wishes.
Take care of yourself. Remember to communicate, but stay rational. Don't lose it. I will be looking for your response.

Thanks for responding Texasgirl, can i call you TG for short?<p>Well, tomorrow i am going to visit my bf. He has planned for a week of relaxation for me....how sweet. He has gone through this too, but when he was much younger. He understands the pain and hurt that i felt and he understands the anger and frustration that i feel now. I am leaving home four days early before i go back to school b/c i have to relax and regroup. Also it is time for my bf and i to make some us time. The last few months have been really hard b/c of everything. We planned the next couple days so that we wouldn't have to worry about school.<p>Dad came home in a pretty sore mood tonight. I thought that he might try to do something special for dinner because it was my last night home for a month or two. Mom said that he was a little mad b/c she had him get tested for STD's. I think that was smart. I don't trust the OW at all. Mom said that she knew quite a bit about her. I also asked dad and mom if they were going to talk to my bro tonight. Both said yes, but i think my dad said it to keep me quiet. Mom meant it. I told mom that i am tired of acting like a parent to both of them by having to ask everything and find out everything on my own. I am tired of trying to make them realize how this is going to affect my little bro. I am going to give my bro a list of phone numbers that he can call if he is feeling upset or mad or anything. He can call me anytime, if i am at work or in class, he can call my bf's number and find out when i will be done.<p>I think that i am also worried that when i go to visit my bf, that i won't be able to stop worrying about my fam. I worry him alot too, his mother said that she can tell when i am not having a good day by the way he acts. His mom and i get along pretty well. She knows something important is going on in my life but she doesn't know what. She said that she is worried about me too. <p>I go see my counselor a week from tomorrow. So much has happened since i last saw him. i don't even know what he is going to say. I just feel like everything is all f***ed up. I almost feel helpless again b/c i KNOW that my parents will not be truthful with me, even though i have told them numerous times that i will have to know in order to keep me from worrying. They probably just think that i am still a little girl who doesn't know what i am saying or what i am getting into.<p>TG-thanks soooo much for listening. I can't imagine what you have gone through. If i found a child was born from all of this, i would be enraged. Thank you for your support. It really helps.

Blue, TG is fine. From what I have read, you are handling this situation a lot more maturely than your parents, esp your father. Has anyone mentioned "midlife crisis"? It sounds like he is 40 - 50 years old, ment get really STUPID about then. I read something today about the grass being greener on the other side, because it has ben nurtured. Maybe if the home gardner would take as much care with his/her grass it would be just as green.
My experince with this situation was my H claimed I was not giving him enough positive attention. This younger woman gave it too him, and he was willing to indulge himself with her (he was 38, she was 23). Supposedly after he told her I was pregnant, and he was ending their affair, her birth control failed and she became pregnant. I learned about the child when my child was 8 mos old. I came close to walking then, but I had 5 children at home then. I felt that I loved my H, just was extremely disappointed by his actions. I owed it to my children to make our marriage work. We have come a long way, not a day passes that he wishes he could have gone back and stopped himself from getting involved with her.
So hang tough, you will get through this a stronger and wiser person if you work at it. don't let their failures mess up your future. I worry that when my daughters learn of their father's affair, they will have a hard time establishing a permanent relationship with a man.
Your bf sound like a good guy.
Are you religious? I believe that God does not give us things to handle that we cannot. What does not kill us makes us stronger. Stay in connections with your brother, this is really rough for someone his age. My sons were about his age when we talked divorce for a few months, and the older one I learned later was doing some heavy drinking at 16. I was self - engrossed focusing on my marriage and my pregnancy, I missed this. So keep those lines open with your brother, he needs you. He may also need another adult outside the immediate famiy who will listen and guide him.
remember youself and be true to yourself.<p>I am TG

Dear Blue<p>I know it is easier said than done when someone says to "let go and let God" but when it comes to your parents, there is absolutely nothing more you can do for them. Turn it over to God, Blue. Let Him take care of your parents and their marriage. The best thing you can do for them and for yourself is to detach from it and focus on yourself. You are powerless to change them or change things. The only thing you CAN do is to be there for your brother who is having a difficult time facing life's ugly realities.<p>Pray for them, Blue...that's what you can do. Pray that God will bring them together and soften their hearts and bring your family together again. Most importantly, pray your Dad will wake up and realize what a terrible, terrible thing he is doing to his wife and to his family. Ask God to 'enlighten' him.<p>And finally, pray for yourself and ask God to comfort you and take this burden from you. I will pray for you, too, that God will protect you and guide you.<p>I don't know where this is coming from, Blue, because I am not a church goer, but I am very spiritual at times and I do know there is a power greater than ourselves that can restore families and turn hearts and work miracles that we are powerless to perform. I just hate to see you spending so much time fretting over something you have little control of and becoming angry and frustrated and having your focus diverted from your school work, your boyfriend and friends and your own life. All you can do is pray and be there for your brother. You are a good and kind young woman who is sensitive and caring enough to want to do soemthing to help your family and so kind and loving to your brother who needs it so much right now...I beleive God is looking after you and your brother...and even your stubborn, block-headed parents.<p>Let go, let God...He is the one all powerful and strong enough to carry your burden and change things...let Him take care of it for you. Leave it all to Heaven.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>PS Texas Girl...you should be a counselor...excellent.

Blue, how are you doing today? I have been off the net a couple of days. I work as a Special Education Aide in an elementary school. I just started the week before Christmas. I worry about you and your brother. I don't know how parents do this to each other, but especially to their children. I believe when we bring children into this world we have a loving obligation to provide a stable life for them and a good, positive example of life and living.
I have always told my children, of which there are five, they were mine until they died, but at 18-21 years I expected them to go out and make their own lives. You must establish your own identity separate of them. Don't let their failures become your. Learn from their mistakes.
Don't forget your brother. You are not his mother, but you are his older sister, a special relationship. At this time you may be his only stability, but do this judiciously. Don't take on more than you can.
My oldest son is 25. We were talking about making a new will, and who would be the younger children's guardian. He said he expected to be their guardian if we died while they were minors. I was pleasantyl surprised, but I could not leave him such a burden at that age.
Your parents have dumped a burden on, you probably feel more mature than they are acting right now.
I believe you can handle it, but be sure you do not get overwhelmed. Again, encourage your brother to seek out someone in his home area to be his sounding board. Stay open to him. Let him know that you love him and will be their for him. My heart goes out to you. If you want I can give you my personal email. Then you can email me directly.
Why do I do this? I guess I am an "Earthmother". All children in need I respond to. My son asked if a friend of his, whose parents had abandoned her emotinally lived with us for 3 months while she got her head on straight.
Stay in touch, stay strong. ((((()))))
TG

Hey, Catnip, nice to see you on the board. Thanks for the compliment. You have been doing pretty well yourself in the counseling department. Funnny, I have been talking about going back and getting my MS in counseling, then maybe a PHD and opening a clinic. <p>My 13 dau had announced her desire to do this when she goes to college. We decided to open a clinic together. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How goes it with you these days?
We had our 28th anniversary last week. In April, it will be 10 years since his affair started. I have been doing a lot of introspection myself and looking at where I might want to be in the next 10 years.
My vision at 70 is living on 5 acres outside of Houston, TX on a remodeled farmhouse with a pair of Newfoundlands and running a boarding kennel on the side. How does that sound?

Thanks for the support. It really made me feel better. <p>Well, since i last wrote things haven't gotten too much better. My parents finally talked to my brother but i don't think that much talking took place. My brother is very quiet when it comes to abstract stuff like feelings and emotions. I suggested that he also see a counselor. They agreed. <p>I left home and drove 9 hours to spend 5 days with my bf and his family. He tried really hard to made me feel better and he did. A little happy news---we went and looked at some engagement rings. He told me that he wants to know what styles i like so that when we finally decide that it is time, he knows what to look for. We are not planning to get engaged for at least and other year or two. And the marriage will have to wait until we are both done with all of our schooling. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] So i am happy about that.<p>I talked to mom the other night and I asked her how things were going back at home. She asked if i really want to know. I said yes, otherwise i will just wonder and worry. She said that dad is still planning to move. And that she will probably move to plan B soon.(that is separation, right?) Anyway, I told her that before she does that, that she might want to talk to my bro first so that he can prepare himself too. That way it won't be like a bombshell hit him. I am sure that it will still be hard for him though. I plan to go home this friday and spend time with him. <p>If that wasn't enough, my sorority house caught on fire this morning too. We were evacuated for about 4-5 hours. The fire was concentrated to one room, but the firemen used my window to get the water hose in, so my door was open and a lot of smoke got in my room. I have to go to the laundry mat tomorrow to wash everything-all my clothes, bed stuff, towels. The sut from the smoke is everywhere and it reaks. I am staying at my bf's tonight so that the room can air out. But i figure that it could've been worse and that i am lucky that i didn't inhale much smoke. I helped get everyone out and seal the fire to just one room. Everyone is okay.<p>I know that i don't have any control over what happens now. Both of my parents know exactly how i feel. I figure that there are three situation that can happen. Mom and dad can reconcil, they can separate and divorce with dad ending his contact with OW, or they can separate and divorce with dad still seeing OW. I have prepared myself for all of these situations b/c i know that mom and dad probably won't be straight up with me, least of dad. I feel that if i am prepared for anything to happen, then i can also be there for my bro when it does. Only time will tell. <p>Not until all of this has happened have my mom and i become close. It is really amazing. I have found that i respect her and admire her more than ever before. And i think that she respects me in the same way. It feels really good. I have always been envious of my gal friends who have had good relationships with thier moms. I am going to send mom a certificate for a manicure and a special book about moms and daughters to let her know that i am happy that we are close now. I got her the manicure b/c she doesn't pamper herself enough instead of something else. <p>It is starting to get a little late and i am starting to get tired. Hopefully i will be able to go to sleep in good time. I had a long day. Good night. And thanks for your support.

Blue,<p>I just wanted to say you are a great daughter. It's nice that you care so much about your family. Keep supporting you mother and brother. But do not take this burden on yourself this was your father choice. I'm glad something good is coming out of something bad Mothers and daughters should have a good relationship. Good luck with cleaning your room. The manicure idea is nice.<p>Unsure

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Texasgirl:
<strong>Hey,You have been doing pretty well yourself in the counseling department. Funnny, I have been talking about going back and getting my MS in counseling, then maybe a PHD and opening a clinic. <p>
My vision at 70 is living on 5 acres outside of Houston, TX on a remodeled farmhouse with a pair of Newfoundlands and running a boarding kennel on the side. How does that sound?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey, Texas Girl...you know how much I love the sound of my own pontificating voice...yap, yap, yap.<p>You sound good, TG...impressed and stunned you want to do this for a living. I can't imagine a more rewarding and daunting profession, but you would certianly do well at it. You could even make that old ranch house with the dogs into a kind of retreat place for troubled souls...and I would come down once a year for a month and hang out to nourish my tattered soul. Pencil me in.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Blue<p>Thanks for the update on how you're doing. I think many of us are relieved you sound so well. You seem like a mature and compassionate young woman with a lot of promise and I for one, am cheering you on.<p>Catnip =^^=

I got really overwelmed today. It seems like everything is just building up. First my parents, then worrying about my bro, then grades(which i have two that i need to appeal), then the fire. I am not going to be able to sleep in my own room for at least a week. I don't know where to start. I know that my bf tries his best to help me, but how can i tell him how he can help me when i don't even know? <p>I am going home this weekend. We have a three-day weekend b/c of Martin Luther King Day. I don't know what to expect, and i have only been gone for a week and a half. While on the phone mom did say that dad was still planning to move out. I asked her if it was a good idea if she talked to bro about what is going on and the possiblities that could happen. I told her that if he didn't have any idea what was coming it might crush him. She said that they were going to wait until after basketball season to have him go to a counselor. I am afraid that may be too long of a wait. Then end of BB is in March. A lot can happen in 2 months. <p>I don't know what to do. Even though i actually have more control i still feel helpless. Especially with the fire, i feel set back b/c we are going to have to move everything out to get the carpet out and dust everything from the dust the smoke left behind. Right now i don't think that anything else can go any worse than it already is. I suppose it could've been worse and my room could have also caught fire, i don't think that i will be able to wear half of my cloths as it is b/c of the smoke. *sigh* <p>I guess, i just need someone to talk to. I wanted to call mom but she is a teacher and is working right now. My bf was at class, and i don't have very many close gal friends that i can talk to. I have never trusted girls very much, i have always been back-stabbed by them in one way or another. My two best friends don't go to school here, one is in Hawaii, the other is 6 hours away. I am trying to make it through the day, which is also hard b/c i am going to school and taking some hard classes at the same time. <p>Thanks for listening, i know technically i don't really belong here b/c i am the daughter of the parents but i really have no where else to go. Thanks again, Blue