Hi all,<p>I used to be Mrs. Job. I have been away for a number of months now. When they switched servers, I lost my account and despite many emails to the administrators it never got reinstated. I knew that I could start a new user name, but to be honest things were so hostile here for a while (not the fault of anyone who is still posting here) that I stayed away. Now it feels safe to come back again.<p>So, now I have a new name. I wanted to make sure that I could still abbreviate my name as MJ.<p>We restarted the adoption process in late September with a new home study agency and a new placement agency. We are frantic, frantic, frantic busy with the very final stages of adoption paperwork. The good news is that the controlling agency in the Eastern European country knows about H's tire kicking incident 5 years ago and says it is not a problem. We should be traveling
sometime between the end of February and the end of March to bring them home.<p>H is doing OK. Marriage is OK, but not great. He suffers a lot from guilt and depression and it too often comes out as angry outburst. You know, he meets all my top ENs, but those damn love busters will drain the love bank faster than anyone can put deposits in. We continue in marriage counseling and he has and individual p-doc and counselor.<p>We have been on our fourth trip this year to see OC (Precious). The visits are difficult on both of us. We argue more for a couple of weeks before we go and a couple of weeks after we come back. Our time with Precious is quite enjoyable though. She is an adorable and loving child. She says both our names and is more attached to me than to H. When she is upset she will only come to me. Trips are very expensive as we have to fly cross-country and stay in a hotel for four nights. I also don't know how we will handle this once we have our kids. I am not comfortable with H going alone (never will be), but am going to be unwilling to leave our own kids for four days while they are just adapting to being part of our family. I don't even think that I would let them stay with my mother as kind and loving as she is. It would just be too much disruption.<p>The adoption agency doesn't know about Precious. They didn't ask and we didn't tell, so we don't want our kids to know before the adoption is finalized (6 months after bringing them home). We don't want to tell them something that they then have to keep secret. I don't think that they will be especially upset over the information that Dad has a child with another woman. They weren't part of this family when it happened. At some point they will realize what having a child by someone else in the middle of your marriage means, but I think they will be OK if we say something like: "It was the hardest thing we ever went through, Dad made some horrible choices that hurt a lot of people, but Mom and Dad never waivered in their committment to each other and we worked very hard to repair our marriage so we could go on to adopt you and be your Mom and Dad."<p>So, it is good to be back. I have read this board almost every day during my absence. I worry and pray for Heavenly Body and for CDCollins. I am sorry to see so many new comers to the site. I wish the word would get out that having an affair is the most destructive thing you can do and that you have no idea of the damage that you are going to cause to the people you say you love. I wish people would grow up and act like the adults they are supposed to be (and that applies to all our WSs who don't do their share of recovering the marriage).<p>MJ

Congratulations MJ!!! I'll pray that everything runs smoothly for you, H and your boys. Isn't it great to have something so good to look forward to?

MJ,<p>I don't know you well, but I'm happy for you! I pray that y'all will have a safe trip and that things will work smoothly for you....I'm excited for you!<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

Oh MJ!!!!!!!<p>I was so happy to see your post on the other thread, but then, I saw this one, and I am SO happy for you and Mr. J!!!!!!! This is something that had broken so many hearts, when you lost them the first time you were trying to adopt the boys! I will continue to pray that things remain smooth, and will look for the news in the next couple months that the boys are finally where they belong! By the way, do you have an email that I can email you at? Our account that I don't mind posting here is jnk89_p@yahoo.com. I would love to send you the latest pic of Abbi(and who ever else would like one, just let me know in the subject line who you are). I know that Heavenly wanted the latest, and was just wanting to let anyone else know that I do have some now.<p>Back to MJ's news, again I am so happy that prayers are being answered!<p>Love,<p>Tigger

MJ,<p>It's good to see you back. I'm glad the adoption went through you really loved those boys. I was thinking about you the other day. You helped me out a lot when I was feeling a lot of pain. I had a post called "Dreams" I kept dreaming about OC and feeling a lot of guilt because H wasn't involved in her life. The advice you gave me helped me get on the right track for true Recovery. Don't be a stranger a lot of us newbies need your advice. Good luck with the boys.<p>
Unsure

Hi MJ,<p>What great news about the boys!
I'm sure you will be on pins and needles
until you get them HOME.
Good to hear you are making it work.
How fortunate for Precious to have someone
so understanding as you. I wish you all
the best!

MJ!!<p>Yeah!!!! Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>Love
bw

Dear MJ,<p>I could not be happier about your news. What a wonderful thing to find your children again after you thought you had lost them forever. I remember how hard it was for you and how we all suffered with you at your loss. <p>Now you will have the family you dreamed of and that stability may make things a bit easier in your marriage. <p>It brought tears to my eyes when you said that you worried about me. I must admit that I was worried about myself. But, as you well know, the grieving over lost children has its own mind and timetable. And while I recognized that those around me were trying to pull me up, I just would not allow them to help me.<p>The worst thing was I stopped praying because my mind was so heavy I could not imagine any reason for what had happened -- at least none that made sense to me. But God never gave up on me. He spoke to me through so many wonderful people, including all of you on MB. And the day finally came when I knew I had to start back up the road.<p>So, I am here and I am determined. I still have my bad days and just like the OW/OC situation there are triggers everywhere. But I am coping.<p>Like tigger said, I would love to have your e-mail address so that if you lose contact we can drop each other a line occasionally. Also, I would love to have photos of your children from time to time. My e-mail is rosepell@ivillage.com. If you want, please feel free to write me and give me yours. Please do not feel obligated. I know how busy life is.<p>I am so happy that things worked out for you. You are going to be such a wonderful mother, MJ. And you have weathered the storm so well, it is what you deserve more than anything. God bless you and Mr. J and watch over your new family.<p>love,
heavenly

Mrs.J, I have thought of you and the boys many times while you were gone and so thrilled to hear they are on their way home!!! I know how you prayed for them. God is great!!<p>We are in the process of adopting also. We told the agency about OC but they chose to leave OC out of the homestudy report and other paperwork completely. Still, I will breath easier after we get our new one home!<p>Please keep in touch and let us know it turns out great!<p>Prayers for continued recovery with Mr.J!
love,
J

It's your turn, Mary Jane. It's your turn for victories, it's your turn for happiness, it's your turn to have your heart's desire. I beleive your deep devotion and faith and prayer made this happen...you never once waivered. I am so humbled by God's goodness that He allowed the red tape to fall away and allow you and your husband to have your boys back.<p>I remember how you grieved your loss. I remember how you jumped through all the hoops and more that were required of you, all to (what seemed to be the case at the time) have it come to nothing.<p>I'll never know or understand why life takes such erroneous twists and turns and why God allows us to feel the full force of all sides of life. God is all powerful, all knowing and infinite, while we are small and powerless and finite, unable to comprehend God's plan. There is a plan for each of us and He knows what we need before we do. <p>Your children are coming home to stay and there is much rejoicing. What a wonderful mother you will be and what a happy and loving home you will provide for the boys. They will grow into fine men because of your faith and love and courage. They are so fortunate to have had you and Mr. Job working tirelessly on their behalf. <p>I hope you have kept a diary to show them someday that you loved them so deeply and wanted them so much you moved mountains to bring them home to you.<p>God bless you and Mr. Job and the boys. I am so completely delighted at this wonderful, wonderful news.<p>Catnip =^^=

Thank you, each and every one of you. I wept as I read your notes of congratulations.<p>We aren't 100% there yet, but we are about 98% of the way to getting the adoption done. Only U.S. Immigration could trip us up now, but everyone concerned considers them to be just a rubber stamp this time around.<p>Heavenly, I am so glad to see you up and around. Yes, grief over the loss of a child or children has its own cycle and it seems to be one that we have little input or control over. For example, when I learned about Mr. J's affair and child I could frame my thoughts certain ways to help shape my feelings. For example "I can't believe he did this to me." became "Something must have been very wrong inside of him, he must be very confused or hurt or angry to have surrended his integrity to this affair. This says much more about him than it does about me." And...voila! I felt better because I wasn't thinking this was a deliberate act to hurt me. OK. I had to say it thousands of times, sometimes dozens of time in a single day, but it worked.<p>With the loss of a child there really isn't much you can do or say to soften that pain. Pray helps, but to be honest not as much as we would like it to.<p>I am glad to see all my old friends again. Hope CD drops by.<p>Love, MJ

Oh! MJ the news is wonderful.
Your way of telling it like it is, is amazing.<p>The depression and anger your H is having has just begun for my H. We talked about it yesterday. H said he lives with a heavy heart daily of what he's done. The magnitude of the reality has finally hit. I have suggested he seek a dr. and try anti-depressants, but he is resistant to try that.<p>I know what you mean about visits and the arguing before and after. I see it as a constant rehashing of huge emotions within a marriage. You are a woman of God and a beautiful honest one.<p>The boys will be so fortunate to have you as their Mom. Precious already sees what kind of person you are. As I read how it's you she comes to when she's upset. AWWWW it's sweet.<p>I don't have a soloution to your problems of expensive cross-country trips to spend time w/Precious. Perhaps she can fly to be with you a time or two a year. Leaving the boys is not an option now.<p>Maybe (?) that is causing your H a lot of problems. <p>Happy to hear of your weight loss. You'll not have to worry about fitting in that plane seat. You sound so happy my guess is that you'll float over there!<p>Bless you and yours.<p>God is amazing isn't he? Prayers were answered! You're getting the boys back! Horray!<p>love
Debi<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</p>