Hello again!<p>I thought I would give some background on my little SAGA.<p>DH and I have been married 8yrs. His A with OW may have been short-lived, he can’t/won’t tell me when it started, but it produced a beautiful baby girl.<p>This makes OW’s 3rd child, all by different men. She is 28. The first child she gave up for adoption, until the father stepped in and took the child. OW never saw the boy. He is about 8yrs old now. The 2nd child, also a boy, she kept. He is now 6, and has been removed from BB’s custody due to failure to protect. Her ex b/f beat him with a dog leash and left marks on his face and neck area. CPS was called and the child was placed in joint custody with his Grandmother and Great-Grandmother. The case is still open. Pending the criminal abuse charges on the ex b/f. And there is still the possibility that OW will have to face charges as well.<p>OW was angry with my H for choosing to stay with me. She would email him and call him several times a day/night (he works 3rd shift). I began saving and printing her emails in April 2001. She continued emailing until July 2001. I have a 5-inch stack of emails from her. In the first ones, she says she is going to give the baby up for adoption, not list H’s name as the father, tells him that he will never see the baby and things of that nature…In many of them they are fighting about what to name the baby. She finally agrees to name the baby what H wants. She then asks if things can go back to the way they were before she got pregnant. H tells her no, they can’t. He loves me. She gets mad and proceeds to tell him that he said he loved me before and was still seeing her, what is the difference now???? Then she proceeds to tell him that she never wants to hear from him again… etc.. etc… then the next day, the emails begin all over again… SSDD….<p>In June, he filed to legitimate the baby. She had agreed for a DNA test to be done at the same time as her amniocentesis, but after H told her he was staying with me, she cancelled the entire process, amnio and all. In July, the courts ordered her to have a DNA test. She was standing in the courtroom breathing heavily, “I’m in labor now.” That night she gave birth. Her mother was to call H when OW got to the hospital. H wanted to be there for the birth. OW had called and told him she was going… but there was no other call after that. The next morning, at my urging, he called the hospital. Sure enough, the baby had arrived. She named her something entirely different from the agreed name. And didn’t list him on the birth certificate.
1 wk later, she brought the baby to see H at work. I was there. I took pictures of the baby and OW. She wasn’t happy about me being there... Too Darn Bad!!!
2 wks later, they had the DNA test. And 4 wks after that, the results came in.. 99.9999% he was the father.
That weekend we got the baby for the first time. We had her from 6am on Sat until 5pm on Sunday. She had one bowel movement the entire time. It was like a rock. 2 inches in diameter, and she cried and cried for approx. 3 hrs before finally passing it. Her little feet looked like they hadn’t been lotioned at all. They were peeling skin in sheets. Her toenails and fingernails were cut into the quick. And she would shake inside. That scared me. I had seen crack babies and I was scared to death about this little baby. She barely ate that weekend. We bathed her. When H took her back to OW and told her about the bath, she told him that the baby was allergic to water!!! And she broke out from it the last time she bathed her.
The next time we had her was 2 wks later. Same scenario. Same everything. Only now, she had feces crusted in her privates and in the folds of her skin. Poor little thing. She did eat better that time around though, so that is a good thing.<p>In September, OW is going back to work so she needs daycare. H offers to be the daycare. Everyday M-F 6am – 4pm. We are scheduled to go to court to legitimate the baby in the 2nd week of Sept. Our Attorney had a conflict so she asked to move the date until the 3rd wk… which OW and H agreed to do. All during the daycare situation, H asked for the pediatrician information from OW. She refused to give him any names. She wouldn’t tell him anything. Then, out of the blue, on the original court date, OW has a scheduled pediatrician visit. OC (I will call her Lil Bit) is now 2 months old and hasn’t been to a pediatrician yet. H goes to the visit and signs for the 5 shots. H asks about the formula and the Dr tells him that she recommends Enfamil or Similac w/Iron. We had already begun giving her Enfamil w/Iron. <p>There is more.. and I will post that in the next post… this is a rather long story…<p>Sorry, I just don’t want to bore you all to death… <p>More to come… stay tuned… [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</p>

Dear Stacia_Lee
NOT bored in the least! Never ever think that!<p>I'm so sad reading all this. It's so sad when helpless little ones are not receiving the best care humanly possible.<p>You have a big heart. Sounds like this baby really needs your TLC.

Staci,
Glad to see you are posting. I don't think that you boring us. Keep posting.<p>Dawn

S_L Saga.. Episode 2 [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The day after the Pediatricians visit, a Friday, H picked Lil Bit up as usual for the day. He carried her to work with him… he was working over that day. She slept most of the morning and he didn’t want to change her, for fear of waking her. When she woke, about 2-3 hrs into the day, he checked her. The diaper was wet. But there was feces hard and crusted inside her privates, again. H had had enough. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] He brought her to me and we decided to call DCS. He called and they sent out a caseworker in less than 2 hrs. The caseworker turned out to be the same one that removed the boy from OW. She was concerned about this new baby. She said they weren’t taking chances with this one.
We proceeded to tell her all the problems we had been having. The crusted feces, the caked powder, the lack of bathing and the claim of allergic reactions to water; EVERY worry that we have about Lil Bit.
C/W sat there in our apartment and told us that OW had too many problems that needed to be dealt with before she should have children. She went so far as to tell us all about the fact that OW hadn’t gone to the Parenting classed that she had been ordered to take to regain the custody of her son. She was to take Anger management and several other PARENTING classes. She never took them. C/W was very angry with OW and she was candid about her dislike of her. She went so far as to call her “trash.” [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] YES, that IS a direct quote! She told H and I that she saw no reason why we shouldn’t be granted full custody. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The C/W then told H to meet her at OW’s apartment when OW got off work, to bring the baby, but not me. She told him that she was going to get OW to enter into a “Safety Plan.” Meaning, they would remove the child from OW’s home and place her in a safe place and proceed with an investigation of the referral.
H met C/W there and they had to wait for 45 min. OW was never this late before. She had always called on her way home, and she didn’t this time. Her live-in b/f’s car was at the apartment. The TV was on. But no one would answer the door. C/W talked with H and she checked to see if we had bathed the baby. (of course we had) She was adamant about the lack or parental skills of OW and she wasn’t shy about saying so.
Finally when OW got there, they went in the apartment and C/W just tore into OW. She listed all the things that she hadn’t done and what they (DCS/CPS) had expected of her… Then the C/W asked H to step out. 10min later, they called him back in. They had agreed to a “Safety Plan” that would place Lil Bit with us at least until the court date, less than a week away. OW was to get supervised visitation with the baby for 2 hours over the weekend. He was never asked to sign a copy of the “Safety Plan” but OW was required to sign it. SO, he brought Lil Bit home with him.
Friday went well, as did Saturday. Saturday afternoon OW got her 2 hrs with the baby. H supervised the contact between them. They met at a McDonalds and sat there in the lobby. OW sat there and held the baby and cried, whispering to the baby. Twice during the visit OW made the comment that the baby was wet. H told her to go ahead and change her, but OW refused. So H did it. When the visit was over, OW was the one to end it. She stormed out to her mom’s truck and sped away.
Sunday we took the baby to see H’s family. They were all thrilled to see her. They fawned over her. It was a beautiful family day. We got home that evening and hadn’t been home an hour when the phone rang. It was the C/W. She informed H that OW no longer was comfortable with him watching the baby and had changed the “Safety Plan.” She was placing the baby with her mother. (Now this is the same woman, who has shared custody of OW’s older child AND had kicked OW out of her house because of this pregnancy) We had finished bathing the baby and dressed her for bed. And were in the process of giving her a bottle. We were forced to hand the baby over.
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Still more to come…

Staci, I have been a member of MB for about a year, I have recently taken a break from posting due to a serious misfortune in my family. My heartbreaking situation and losing visitation with our oc, and the accusation of child abuse because the oc fell in our yard while playing with our son, he went home with a bruise and my h was arrested a couple of weeks later. All of this has taken me back over the last few months and I have not had the energy to post much. I do check in and read a little, but have not had much to share. Your story has truely touched me, upset me and brought me to tears. I am very interested in your story and I really am looking forward to another chapter. My heart is breaking for the oc as I read your last two posts. Ever since this horrible chain of events has entered my life and my family I have keep a quote in my head and I will share it with you as I feel it applies to your situation also,<p>Will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night?...He will see that they get justice, and quickly." (Luke 18:7,8)

Our xow has wrongfully hurt and accused my dh of things that are untrue and unjust, your xow is hurting and causing pain to her child and your oc I pray that the above quoted can happen for both of us. Take care and have faith.
I will keep the little infant girl, your oc , as well as you and your dh in my prayers. Peace, Gabi1116<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: gabi1116 ]</p>

I, too, am interested in your next chapter. I also wanted to let you know that there is someone who used to post on this forum, who is actually in the process of writing a book about couples who are dealing with the OC, or the OC themselves. If you are interested, it is all anonymous(sp). Here is the link to the website that can give you more information about this;<p>http://ocresearch.tripod.com <p>Tigger

S_L Saga Chapter 3<p>We went to court the week after having to hand Lil Bit over to the DCS caseworker. Nothing was settled. The C/W did a complete 180-degree turn on us. She was now on OW’s side. Why??? I have no idea. AND to top it off, they had allowed OW to move in with her mother and the baby. Some “Safety Plan”!!! <p>The court set a type of mediator for arranging visitation and also appointed the Guardian ad lietum. The GAL is the same one that is over the older child in OW’s other case. The attorney the court appointed for OW is the same one she has in the other case. The only new players are the Referee, our attorney, H and myself. Everyone else KNOWS her history. Why they are dragging this out is beyond me.
C/W tells H that he must have supervised visitation!!! HE isn’t the one being investigated, but he IS paying the price as if he was. OW’s mother and H agree to a 2-3 hr visitation the following Monday, only stipulation – I am not allowed to be there… UGH!! But when Monday came around, she called and canceled.
During this time frame I had emailed the C/W, asking her for some answers as to why they were allowing OW to live with her mother and the baby. It’s supposed to have been a SAFE place… AND she was under investigation. UGH I got a call from the C/W, she was pissed. {I had also sent a cc: of the email to our attorney and the Area Director of DCS. I had asked why she was no longer interested in the best interest of the child. I told her that her focus had changed to the best interest of the Grandmother. I told her that the Grandmother should not have been involved. I told her that she had made a terrible mistake and I would hate to see the baby pay a price for her mistake. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy with me at all} Anyway, C/W proceeded to tell me that she now had issues with US!
1) I have been turned down for an adoption
Excuse me??? I have never applied to adopt a child, so I couldn’t be turned down
2) I have been admitted to the hospital for mental health reasons
Excuse me again??? I have never been admitted to the hospital for ANYTHING in my life
So now that she couldn’t say anything about me… she attacked H
3) H has 2 other children that he doesn’t have custody of...
Ah… He has ONE son, from a previous marriage… He is 17yrs old!!!!
4) H abuses Alcohol
Ah… NO… He has never been arrested… never had a DUI... Never been through a 12 step program… NOTHING
Needless to say, there is no way they can prove these accusations….<p>The next court date rolled around. No OW or her mother. They don’t show up at all. After speaking with me about caring for the baby while H worked 3rd shift (he wanted to be sure I was ok with it), the referee set visitation; That Sunday from 9a-6p and then every week from Thursday at 9am until Sunday at 9am. OW’s lawyer was to get in touch with her and let her know about the court order. <p>Well… Sunday came… no one would answer the door… there was a big dog in the yard.. and 2 trucks. Ok… we called our attorney and let her know that we weren’t able to pick up the baby. Thursday rolled around and STILL no one would answer the door. H even got the police to go with him. NOTHING. But the dog was gone. He had been picked up for biting someone; there was a note on the door from Animal Control. The next day, we get a call from the DCS attorney. She has arranged for H to get his visitation. A day late! But he didn’t get an extra day. We had her for a total of 39 hours. This after a MONTH of no contact with her, and just before all this H was keeping her EVERY day, M-F!!!
When H dropped Lil Bit off, he mentioned to OW and her mother that he would meet them at the same place on Thursday for his next visitation. They told him that there was no way they could meet him at the 9:00am time; they had to WORK… OW’s mother said that she would call their attorney and have him change it… Ummmm???? You can’t just change a court order... you have to ask the Judge or Referee change it..
Now we had 4, total, counts of Contempt of Court; 2 for OW and 2 for her mother, considering that DCS had placed her ‘in charge’ so to speak; with another 2 coming up for that Thursday.
Sure enough, they were a no show. Funny thing… We also had court that day… so after waiting for them at the appointed time and place… we headed to the courthouse…And who was there??? You guessed it… OW’s mother!!! Sitting in the parking lot.. No baby with her.. no OW either….
Apparently there had been an emergency meeting called at the Legislature and all the judges and referees had been summoned there for a meeting about the Anthrax scares that were going on at that time. So there was no court, per say, that day. So the GAL, DCS and the attorneys took it upon themselves to have a Conference with H and OW. I was not allowed in this meeting. I was left completely out of the loop, on this go ‘round. BUT OW’s mother was included.
Anyway from what I gathered after the meeting, OW threw a wall banging fit! She kept yelling about how H never called her anymore. He never does this anymore, or that… The GAL looked at her and said, “He is not going to call you. He is married. He is in a committed relationship. What you and he had was a sexual thing, WHY? I don’t know. But its over and you need to get over it. He is not leaving his wife for you!!!” (I would have given my eyeteeth to hear all of that.) She then went on to tell OW that she sensed hostility coming from her and the courts would too.
They also changed the visitation, because OW and her mother couldn’t get there at 9am on Thursdays. They changed it to Wednesday nights at 7 until Sunday mornings at 9. That brings the total amount of Parenting time for H to 86 hrs a wk. Leaving OW 82 hrs.
That means 8 & 2/3rds more days per year… for H… LOL <p>
So far, we are still at this same schedule… but there is still more to come…<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</p>

Wow Staci,
All I can say is that you are amazing... Sounds like OW is a good manipulator and a liar. I think it was funny how she had the nerve to complain about the baby being wet?! WHATEVER!<p>Another funny thing how they exclude you when YOU are the main one caring for the baby...<p>Reminds me of the most recent haps with my oldest (OC) applying for the military. Stepdad is the only father OC has known, but the sargeants didn't want stepfather's name only MM's. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for the update and I'm sure God is working out the best scenario for Lil Bit.

Stacie,<p>The only thing I can say is WOW! You are a strong lady. I feel sorry for that poor baby! The court system doesn't do anything until it's too late. I look forward to your update. My H goes to court on Tuesday I don't think I can go through everything you are going through. Good luck!<p>
Unsure

Unbelievable And amazing. You are absolutely wonderful. I hope your husband is appreciative of how you have gone the distance for him and for his OC. <p>It sounds like you are this poor child's only hope at anything remotely stable and normal in her little life. I am bowled over by your compassion and love, Stacu. God bless and guide, protect and comfort you and yours.<p>I find it ironic that the CW changed horses in the middle of the road and that slanderous accusations were hurled on the two of you...they were grasping at straws, Staci. They are ridiculous. I believe the ONLY reason they drag these things out when it is already obvious and cut and dried is because of money...and job security. Never mind the high drama. Why don't these courts use logic and common sense? Do their investigation, make a decision, stick by it, end of story. What a bunch of needless "make busy" crap. It doesn't need to be so complicated and take up the courts (and your) time and energy. <p>You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Ok… hopefully, with this post, I can wrap up this ‘background’… <p>As I said in the last post, we now have “Parenting time.” 86 hours a week - 4 nights, 3 FULL days. I work M-F, 6a-2:30p. H works 10p-approx 5:30a M-F and 6p-6a on Sunday nights. And as BTDT stated in her post, I am the one that is keeping Lil Bit for the majority of the time. I am the one, here at least, ‘attempting’ to set a schedule for her. <p>We have been getting Lil Bit for Parenting Time, every weekend since October 18th, which was the date of the “conference.” That was a very weird day. Not only was there the conference, but also the attorney for DCS began to notice that she had been lied to. She was going through her papers and notes for this case. She then proceeded to ask OW what she had told her on such‘n’such a day. And OW began her spin of the events… then she (DCS atty) turned to OW’s mother and said, You told me this, this and this on such‘n’such a day… When these were confirmed, she then turned to the C/W… and said to OW & mother, you told C/W such’n’such… She then looked at both of them… and said that what they had told her before, what they just told her and what they had told the C/W; DID NOT MATCH!!! What she was referring to were the accusations that OW had made about us; the ones that C/W had brought up to me on the phone. They were, and are, totally unsubstantiated. The C/W had even put them in her petition! (The GAL had asked about them in the conference and OW had claimed that H had told her I had been depressed after the miscarriage over a year ago, and GAL said that ANYONE would be depressed after an event like that, but that was a long way from being Hospitalized!!) The DCS Atty was P.O.’d! She told everyone that DCS was no longer needed in this case and they were going to withdraw their petition. C/W said , OH NO WE AREN’T!!!! Then DCS Atty took her by the elbow, said “Yes we are” and they walked out. The C/W being 3 times the size of the DCS Atty, was stopped dead by this little woman, “I said we are out of this case.” WOO HOO!!
Well, C/W was pissed & OW was pissed. OW was mostly pissed because NOW she had to hand over Lil Bit to H for his parenting time. <p>Well, we didn’t have court again for about a month. During that month we tried to keep a journal of how the baby was doing… her condition when dropped off… things like that. Anyway… The main problems we have are this,
1. OW places the car seat in the FRONT seat! And generally doesn’t buckle it in!
2. She drives like a bat out of h***, even when Lil Bit is in the car
3. She listens to music in the car… not bad really... but the decibel level would deafen a horse or wake the dead!!!
4. She doesn’t know how to dress a baby. When the weather is warm (ie. 57 degrees) she has her in a SNOWSUIT!! (We live in a southern state) And when the weather is cold (ie. 35 degrees) she has her in a onesie!!! Most of the time she just over-dresses her. The poor thing is usually flushed… she has red blotchy cheeks; they look wind burnt when we get her. Then they go away by the time she goes back…
5. The latest problem... Vaccinations. This poor baby has been to the Dr 2 times in her short life. At 2 months old, for her vaccinations, then the day after H and I had her the weekend of Oct 18th. The CDC website has a list of recommended vaccines and the times to give them. We know that the suggested time frames for infant immunizations are 2, 4, 6, and 12 months. She has had her 2-month shots, but has yet to receive any others. OW claims that the Dr said that Lil Bit didn’t need her next shots until 6 months old. But nothing in the medical records we have received states any of this. She has lied about so much... I can just imagine what other lies she is cooking up.<p>Our last court date was Dec 6th. We had Lil Bit with us. (OW wouldn’t even look at her while I held her) The only thing settled was the holiday schedule. (We normally go to my parents’ home on Christmas, they live about 500 miles from here, and we are gone for 3-4 days.) H said that he would be fine with waiting for the normal Wednesday night pick-up, but he would really like to pick her up at noon on Christmas day. The GAL went and discussed it with OW and her mother. They agreed to the Christmas day pick-up time. No fuss. No fight.
Well, we also learned that DCS hadn’t withdrawn their petition and that they weren’t going to be doing so. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. I guess when the Referee reads it maybe he will see the foolishness of what they are trying to say in it.
The other thing that really upset me was the fact that OW was complaining that she couldn’t get a hold of H on his cell phone. She never calls it anymore. She doesn’t call, period. If she were to call it, she would be able to leave a message. She used to leave them on there. I have a tape of her voicemails from the April-June time frame. So why is it that she can’t do that now????? SO because of this little complaint, I had to give her MY home number. It’s in my name. It’s MINE. I even had to give her my parents’ home phone number because that is where we were going to be over the holiday. Now HERE is the real kicker, her home # has been disconnected. H has no way to call her IF there was a reason to call. The only # that he has is her mother’s cell phone. H told the GAL this, and she said that it was the only phone that they have. H also told the GAL that this particular phone # was never answered, except by the voicemail. And then it says “Greywolf Enterprises.” And to prove it, H used his cell phone and called it. No answer, and then the voicemail picked up… and you guessed it, “Greywolf Enterprises.” The GAL wasn’t too happy about that, but I think she may have realized that everything we have told her has been true. Now that may just be wishful thinking on my part, but time will tell.
In the courtroom, the Referee asked DCS if they were going to adjudicate or not. They asked him to make a ruling so they could make their recommendation, and he told them that he could not make a ruling until they made their recommendation. He told them to make their recommendation, that they were wasting his time and they needed to basically, s*** or get off the pot. BRAVO for the Referee. <p>The holiday went smoothly. My parents’ have accepted Lil Bit into their hearts as their granddaughter. They really bowled me over. I never expected it. I think I cried more in those few days than I have since I found out about A and OC. My sister is still mad at me for choosing to stay with H and take this child into my life. Her 2 children, my niece (7) and nephew (5) are thrilled with their new cousin. They have always loved my stepson (17) and they have grown up knowing that he is their only cousin. Now they have Lil Bit and they are ecstatic. My nephew calls Lil Bit, Wibbet. He is so cute, I will never forget the “I wuv you, Wibbet. I’m gonna miss you” when we left to come home. The innocence of that moment was one of the most precious of my memories of this Christmas. <p>Now, we go back to court. The court date scheduled for this Thursday, Jan 24th. We aren’t sure if we are going to be needed in court or not. It had been mentioned in court that it might just be a meeting of the attorneys. And if they can come to a conclusion before then, they may not all have to be there. So who knows??? H called me this week to tell me that our attorney had called. She didn’t leave a message which is odd for her. BUT I think she sent us a fax, because there is something in the memory, 11% memory used. I am currently out of ink and I have to go to Wally World to get it. So this afternoon, I will get some and see what it is. I’ll let you know.<p>I think this brings us fairly current with what has happened, so far.<p>I am sorry for the length of these SAGA postings... but I wanted to make sure that you all had the background of my situation so that you might be able to have a more informed view on things…Of course, it’s all from my POV. And OW would definitely say I was biased.<p>Thanks for reading these.
I know they are long. I know I am long winded, and H says I always write novels… LOL<p>God Bless each of you for your kind posts… And your thoughts and prayers…<p>This is a truly wonderful board, and you all have touched my heart more than you know.<p>If you would like to see Lil Bit, myself and our little family… here is our website…
I am sure that Geocities will be sending me an email telling me that they are having to shut my site down periodically because of the traffic… but I don’t care… I want to let everyone see my Lil Bit!!!<p>My Website... <p>
Lil Bit's Own Webpage... password prettybaby<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</p>

Stacia_Lee,
What a beatiful angel you have [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] thanks for sharing her with us. I have to say theres a special place in heaven for you. Good luck on your next court day . with love flowerseed

Stacia,<p>I just wanted to ditto Flowerseed post. Your SD is beautiful. I think you are a great woman. I hope I develope a relationship like yours with OC when the time comes. Depending on how things work out in court on Tuesday that might be soon. Do you have AOL or AOL IM? I would like to ask you some questions privately.<p>
Tee

Yes, UnSure, I have AIM...
I also have MSN messenger and Yahoo as well<p>My AIM Screen name at home is Stacia2069 and at work it is StaciaAtWork.<p>On yahoo and Hotmail you can find me as Stacia_Lee on both.<p>Thanks all.. And I hope to chat with you soon

Well, we DID receive a fax from our attorney. It was the Proposed Order for Adjudication. They(DCS) are adjudicating that the child is at risk of abuse and neglect. They have also noted in the order that the accusations that the mother made against the father were totally unfounded. They also quote the Dr stating the child seems to be “in no pain or discomfort and neurologically normal.” <p>We are calling our attorney today and ask her for some clarification of what this means. We are hopeful that this will be better for our case, but we don’t want to get too comfortable considering that the C/W has switched horses before. But this Proposed Order is just that, PROPOSED. It hasn’t been filed yet. Our Atty sent it to us to check and see if there is anything that we want to change or add. So far, the only thing is that we would like it to mention that the accusations made against me were also false. I am sure that the DSC atty won’t mind adding that as well.<p>Well, I will let you know more later on… <p>Things may be looking UP!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hmmm... Well, the ideal situation would be if you didn't need to show up on Thursday. Wouldn't that be nice????

Stacia,<p>I think that what you are doing is amazing! Have you ever had second thoughts about making Lil Bit part of your life?<p>We have 4x/yr visitation with Precious, H's OC. We live 2000 mile apart and that is the best we can do. As it is, it is an enormous expense to add on top of $15,000 a year in child support, plus the $35,000 that our adoption is costing, but I am pretty content with our decision to include Precious in our lives in the limited ways we can considering the distance. I imagine that as she gets older (she is only 18 months) I will develop stronger feelings for her. Right now it is kinda like four days of babysitting when we go out for a visit.<p>Wasn't there at time in the discovery of H's affair and OC that you were furious? Purple-faced, bulls**t out-of-your-mind raving mad? I know that I certainly was. You almost sound like you never passed through that stage.<p>I wonder if it is easier for those of us with no children to incorporate an OC in our lives? Maybe we can go into this w/o fears of how it will hurt our children of the marriage. Mr. J and I are about to adopt two boys from Eastern Europe and I don't really worry that this will affect them very much. This happened before they were part of this family. At some point they will come to realize that the fact that dad has an OC meant a huge betrayl on his part of mom, but I imagine that it will be later on. They will have so much other adjusting to do that I don't think this will be the biggest thing on their minds. I hope I am not unpleasantly surprised on this one.<p>I for one have longed for motherhood for all the 20 years of our marriage. I would never, never have chosen an affair to bring a child into our lives, but maybe I can accept Precious a little bit easier because (1) my motherhood gene has been so thwarted by the dominant infertility gene and (2) I was a child born of an affair. Just wondering out loud.<p>MJ<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</p>

MJ,<p>Yes, God knows, I went through that phase. I was exactly what you described.
I touched on what I went through in my original post,
“New here, Intro....”
I was very angry. And yes, I had 2nd, 10th, 25th, 100th thoughts about allowing the baby into my life.<p>At the beginning, I wanted nothing to do with the baby, I wanted H just to let it go. I wanted to cut OW completely off from H, I STILL WANT THAT.
I didn’t want another woman’s child. I didn’t want the heartache of seeing the child and remembering the A. I didn’t want any of the agony of extra child support; we are already dealing with c/s for my stepson (17).
I can go on and on about the original feelings… BUT, once I learned about the OW’s past with her son and saw her for the psycho that she is, I could not just sit by and allow a defenseless child, my H’s child, be subject to that fate.
I guess I felt that there are millions of children in this world that have no one to fight for them and here is a child that has been placed in a potentially dangerous position, by both H and OW(by being brought into this world), and I am in a position to do something to help her.<p>H said that the moment he put Lil Bit in my arms, that Saturday morning when she was 5 wks old, he knew he would not be fighting for custody alone. He said he knew that I was now on ‘his side.’
I no longer see the A when I look at Lil Bit. I see a child that needs me. I see a child that should have been mine. I see a child I can help. I see a child that LOVES me. I know she does. And that fact alone is worth all this heartache and pain, to me.<p>Yes, I think it may be easier for men and women without children of their own to allow the OC into their lives. But I don’t think that it is only childless men and women that are able to do this. The decision whether to take the OC into your life is a personal one. One that has to take into consideration the FULL effect it will have on the BS’s life. It should not be only the WS’s decision. I believe that there should be an open line of communication between WS and BS. <p>There doesn’t seem to be many women that have gone through what I am going through. I would love to be able to talk with someone that has been in these shoes. They are tight and they are often painful… Yet, I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. <p>Again, I have rambled… I am sorry…<p>Thanks again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<p>God will lead you to
No waters he cannot part;
no brink He cannot cross;
no pain he cannot bear.
~~~~
Unknown<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stacie, I have been following your saga closely and have been very interested. I did post a couple of times earlier in this thread. I wish you the best of everything and that all works out well for you, your h and the oc. I noticed your screen name and I chat occasionally with unsure and others. I had accepted our oc in my life and in my family's. Last May my children and I met the oc and began visitation. My story is long and complicated, but at present we do not have visitation. You can see some details here: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=35&t=002164<p>If I see you on-line I will say hi. Wishing you the best, Peace, Gabi

Wow, Stacie, the baby is beautiful. She is lucky to have you at bat for her. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All the best to you!!<p>J