Well he came home yesterday. He is gone again.<p>He wants to be here when I go to work with your D. He wants to go to all the babys appts. He wants to be there for the birth. He wants to help me financially. He says whenever I need him to pick up the phone and call. He says he will call everyday if I want him to. He says he wants us to become friends.<p>BUT, He doesnt want to be married to me. None of this makes any sense to me! He says he is not in love with me anymore and hasnt been for a long time and he has just been waiting for me to get my degree so he can go and he just cant lie to me anymore.<p>Oh and yes he cheated on me last week when he was gone. There is a female that apparently has been coming to see him up at his job at the restaurant and he messed around with her last week. They didnt have sex, but they did "everything but". He could give a you-know-what less about her. Basically he did it so that I would divorce him. I have ranted and raved about once is all he gets for a second chance so he was basically trying to seal the fate for the divorce.<p>But, he wants ME to file it! I dont want it! Why in the hell should I file it when all he does is run from reality. He wants it, he files it! He says he cant until the baby is 6 months old. Im not sure who told him this or if it is even true. But bottom line is he doesnt want to deal with it. He wants ME to file it!!!!! I am so disgusted.<p>This is killing me. I feel so very lost. I am trying so hard to trust God and I do, but the pain is still so very real. I want my babies to have their daddy there every day, not when he feels like it. I can not believe he is doing this to me.<p>Please anymore who can .........help me. I dont know what I expect you to do. I guess I just need to know someone cares.<p>Happy birthday to me! Yes I am 26 today and too young for this [censored] IMHO. He did this to me the day before my freaking birthday. That actually upset him cause he wanted to wait until after. haha! Like it would be so much better to just ruin my life if he doesnt ruin the birthday. Well guess what! He managed to do both!<p>I dont know what to do. I asked him what he expected me to do. He told me to concentrate on school! Yeah rigth! While he is out screwing around. I asked him if she knew he was married. Well of course! Why else would she want to be with him???? I then asked if she knew I was pregnant. He says she does now. And her response to him was for him to go home and pretend nothing happened. Boy, isnt she noble! What a gal!<p>Im so sorry. I alternate between screaming fits and bawling my eyes out. I got no sleep last night and the sleep I got was having nightmares about ow. I can believe this!

Oh Broken Wings, I am so very, very sorry about all the twists and turns. Of course, it hurts even though you pray. We live in a world colored by sin and we are allowed to not only suffer the consequences of our own sin (not that I am saying you are the one in sin in all of this) but unfortunately, we bear the consequences of the sins of those around us.<p>I had no idea you were so young! Not that being old (like I am) is any advantage, but I don't know, being older gives you some self-confidence that I didn't have in my 20s.<p>I know you want your children's dad to be there full time, but you can't make that choice for him. That is something he has to want and for some sad, sorry, unexplainable reason, he isn't willing to make the changes necessary to allow that. He sounds like he is sabatoging everything in his life right now.<p>Again, I am so sorry. I really don't know what to say to try and help. Words fail at times like this and I feel rather inadequate to ease your pain any. But you said you wanted to know if someone cared. I care and so do the rest of us here at this board. You are a vital and vibrant part of this forum. We care about you. <p>Is it time for plan B?<p>{{{{{{{{{{BW}}}}}}}}}}<p>MJ

Hi Brokenwings,<p>I am so sorry things are not going well. I cried for you because I HONESTLY CARE!<p>I do not know your complete story, but from this post it seems like you have tried your best. That's all you can do. It seems like your H is making decisions to his benefit only. You are very young.<p>Just keep working on you. Your concentration should be on you and your baby. All you can do is make yourself a better person. Get done with school. Keep your head up high even if you have to put your hand under your chin. You have nothing to be ashamed of. <p>I am new here but my d-day was 16 months ago and the biggest thing I learn is that you can't change things that have been done (OW & OC) and you can't change people if they do not want to change. Just remember you have done the best you can and continue in your and baby life. The best way to continue, as for me, is to focus on me. As they say you can't be good to noone unless you are good to yourself. <p>Well I know words are the greatest healers but time will be. Once again I feel your pain and I do care about you. Don't go away. Talk to us let us know how YOU are doing in your life. Keep walking forward.<p>Your are in my prayers.

Broken wings,
I care and am so sad for you right now. I to didnt realize you were so young. Thats a good thing though. I know it hurts so bad to feel like your just being thrown away been there. It does sound like your h is trying to make you hate him. I dont know why but that seems to be what they do when they want out. I have been through 2 failed marriages not very proud of it,but if I would have stayed it would have distroyed my sprit. Dont let this happen to you. Go do what you have been doing get you degree. Try to get yourself strong and you will see you dont need this crap dragging you down.
Work on you if you still want h after you get there then you can think about it then. Again I am so sorry. Happy birthday broken wings now fix them wings and fly. I wish I could be your age and know the things I know now. Hang in there this awful hurt will pass.
with love flowrseed

Broken Wings,<p>I read your post just as I was sitting down to dinner. I haven't stopped thinking about you. Like everyone here, we have all been through incredible hurt and pain. I'm sure many of us can say this was not the first hurt we've had.
I have faith that things will work out for you. You will grow stronger from this experience. And as cliche as this sounds, things happen for a reason.<p>Now, that said, let me tell you that as I've gone through major life changing events in my own life and have heard words of encouragement from those people who cared about me, the words did not take away the pain. I understand wanting to scream, cry, hit, beg and just about do anything to make it all stop.<p>Trust me when I say there will be a time when the hurt, confusion and all of the emotions that go with what you are dealing with will diminish.<p>It's my experience that what truly helps is to talk about your feelings, whether it be with a friend, family member or right here!<p>I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on and arms to hug you while you cry. <p>You most certainly will be in my thoughts and prayers. <p>Take care,
Why

BW,<p>I am so very sorry to read what you went through last night!!!! While I was reading this post, one thing kept popping up in my mind, you need to file a legal seperation to help you take care of you and the children. I also agree with your statement of, "He wants it, he can file it". You shouldn't have to do his work for him. If he truely wants a divorce, he will get the ba!!$ to file himself!<p>I thought I would have more time, but Abbi just woke up from her nap. I will try to write more to you later.<p>Love and hugs to you(as well as my prayers)<p>Tigger

Dear Sweet Broken_Wings,
I didn't know what a baby you were. Lord! I just had our son at your age and when I think back it was a lifetime ago.<p>I wish for you a lifetime gone by. That the sorrow and pain would be replaced with love and wisdom so that anything the future holds will be special to you and your babies.<p>BW you need to cry now.<p>Go ahead and release the deep sorrows inside of your body. You need to do it.<p>There, there...a little better now?<p>I didn't think so.<p>I want you to seek a church counselor or a family member to help you dear one. Please reach out and grab onto some help. I remember wanting to reach out and feeling no one understood. The mere fact of this happening twice to you in your young life will prepare you (believe it or not) for the future. You will not stand for this ever again no matter what.<p>I wish it was earlier in my life.<p>I would (and still may) be able to pounce forth with a new sense of courage.<p>A youth's glimmer still in my eye.<p>You are a strong and wholesome woman whom God has another plan for. I feel it for you sweetie!<p>Satan tempts us with empty promises.
Those who heed his call are uncovered in time, and scorn is thrown upon them. All in time. God promises that small deed.<p>Another human desperately seeking a woman like you may appear and together you will tread lifes warm trouble free water. At least trouble free from the agony and humiliating experiences of your young trusting years.<p>I will pray for you and your babies BW. You have made me stop dead in my tracks and wonder what the heck this is all about tonight.<p>I promise you God has an infinate plan for you and your babies. Trust in God and find a friend.<p>Besides us.<p>Get hold of another you can depend on for a while.<p>When you are a bit stronger...a few months from now....plan b like you never thought you could! Leave him! Devastated and as lonely as he left you!<p>Some men will never learn, at your tender age you will find another again. A worthy partner.<p>God bless you.<p>love
Debi

BW,<p>I am so sorry to hear the latest. I can't believe he has chosen this route, but then i can. My h filed for a divorce 1 yr ago Aug and of course i was devastated. He was determined and nobody was gonna get in his way, not even God. He went on his merry little way, being a hard-nosed cop, an adulterer, and i decided that i was not going down without a fight. I never signed the papers when they came and threw everything away that came in the mail that pertained to the divorce. I just did not make it easy for him. In the interim he managed to have two affairs and get one woman pregnant, but i think the time that i bought enabled God to set him straight. I know that this oc was the eye-opener and he came home crying to me and said he dropped the divorce papers... <p>Well, damage was done obviously, now i am the one debating staying in the marriage because of the humility that this oc brings me. I really hate being the one who wants to leave now because now i have put myself in his position of leaving and i know God frowns upon that.<p>I agree with Tigger and somebody else who said to definitely let him file. Don't do his dirty work. The divorce papers will state that you are the petitioner who WANTS a divorce rather than vice versa. You are a fighter, a mom who has fought this long for her husband, babies, family and God. Don't throw in the towel so easily. If he wants a divorce, let him do the work. <p>My h filed in Aug of 2000 and he dropped the papers Sept 2001. It was one rough year, one that i thought i wouldn't make through in terms of sanity and strength. Now here i am headed for another year with new issues other than divorce namely OC. God must have a plan. My hope is in Him and i have confidence that His plan is Perfect, not by my choosing, but by His. <p>I am sorry, remember, don't file, don't sign anything. There is no better woman suited (chosen) for him other than YOU. YOU are his wife, God made it that way. If he wants to argue that, telll him to take it up with God. But as for you and your children, you are staying put in YOUR home. <p>Love in Christ,
Julia

BW,<p>I'm sorry you're going through this. If this is hopeless and you have to walk away you can do it. My D-Day was one month after my 28th B-day I had 2 sons and a 6 month old baby. I filed for a "D" and expected to raise my children without daily involment from my H. I figured he would be a weekend father. It hurts but I figured my children would be better off than seeing a sad depressed person. <p>I don't blame you if your H wants the D let him file it but you should file for a legal seperation so you can get CS/alimony and protect yourself. I don't know if you own your own home but these things do matter. You have it in you to raise and support these two children if you have to. <p>Good luck the one thing your H said that I agree with is to try and finish getting your degree. It will help you have a more secure future. I know my H was so impressed with the way I was willing to move forward with my life and put him on the back burner he begged and pleaded for a second chance. This situation sucks! And I'm sorry you're going through this while your pregnant. You are in my thoughts and prayers.<p>Unsure

BW,
I tried to email you but it got returned to me. If you are up to it try clearing some space from your account or delete old messages. I will try to send it again tomorrow.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Oh my dear friend BW,<p>How sad I am to hear of these latest events.<p>All I kept thinking about was how I felt much like you are feeling now when my H told me he was in love with our best friend. <p>I kept thinking ... how could he do this to me after OW/OC and all we had been through. Here I was thinking we were on the road to recovery and boom ... "I love someone else." I took his sorry [censored] back and he's in love with someone else!<p>I tell you... after that second D-day I was ready to bail. And he knew it. I prayed constantly for God to give me some direction and strength. <p>Little did I know H was praying for the same thing. Later he told me he worried sick about our kids, but knew in his heart he felt something deep for this woman. He struggled with it an prayed for guidance.<p>By the grace of God we both "woke up". Him from his fog and me from my anger/resentment/fed-upid-ness. (is that a word?)<p>I'm praying for you BW. Praying that God shows not only you the way, but your H too.<p>Also, reading your post I remembered (and am still seeing) my father's self destructive behavior. He is an alcoholic. He non-desire to recover has a lot to do with self hatred. I'm reading from what you've told me that your H is probably feeling some of this. Perhaps he hasn't yet forgiven himself for the affair/OC. <p>Plan B sounds in order to me. Baby be strong... remember we are here. And please... get someone close to be a prayer partner and a sounding board. We can't be there to hug you when you'll need it most.<p>Oh, I hope I see you online soon. I just want to cyber hug you.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{ BW }}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Talk to you soon,
Z.

BW,<p>I dont know where to begin. What a self destructive path your h has chosen!!! Unfortunately, he has chosen it and you are along for the ride. I am so sorry that his head is up where the sun doesnt shine.<p>You have to do what is necessary to secure your future and the future of your children. I know that is the hardest thing to think of right now. I will be praying for God to give you the strength to move forward and help you secure what you will need in the coming years.<p>I am sorry..but what a [censored]!!!! I love you and care about you. I wish I could be there. Want to come to New Orleans girl? My door is always open.<p>I agree with everyone else. Find the support you need there. Cyber hugs and support just wont be enough right now. I wish there was more we could do for you. Take care of yourself. You have to be concerned for that beautiful miracle growing in you.

Dearest Broken Wings<p>When I lurked into the forum and read your post, I rushed to my friend's computer to write to you to let you know how deeply I care about you, this latest development and your children. I was speechless when I first read this, then in true catnip form, my back went up and now I have tons of opinions, as always.<p>Let me mouth off.<p>When I was a pup like you of 27, my last ex-husband just up and left. Fortunately, I was not pregnant and had the stress of worrying about a new life, but I was sucker punched, completely caught off guard and surprised at the announcement he was leaving and divorcing me. I did not knowing where this was coming from or why. I felt an emptiness I had never known before and wondered if I would ever surivive it or if I would ever be whole again. I truly believed nothing would ever be the same again.<p>He was a serial cheater and had lots of OW's. The truth about that particular spouse is that we were married at 21 and he wasn't interested in being married to me or anyone else. I haven't any idea why getting married was such a big deal to him or why he insisted at the time.<p>I found out he cheated on me the night before we were married and he continued throughout the six years we were together. He just wanted to play. As soon as I figured that out, I realized his not being in love with me had nothing to do with me but plenty to do with whatever it was in him that was lacking. The same is true with you and your situation, BW. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, but plenty wrong with him.<p>My former husband became interested in me again when I stopped caring about him and what he was doing. As soon as my tears had dried, he was calling and coming around. I wasn't interested anymore and moved on. I guess what happened back then was a 1980 version of Plan B. I did not speak to him or see him for several months and he was going crazy. I had moved on...in fact, I met the Bipolar Bear and he was and is ten times the man the ex could ever hope to be...and, yes, even now after what happened three years ago.<p>I remember thinking there was no one in the world as wonderful as the ex-spouse...that very other man would pale in comparison. But that was far, far from true. After I waded through a few turkeys, I met the Bipolar Bear when I wasn't even looking for someone...when I least expected it. And I couldn't believe someone like that existed. He was so involved in me, interested in everything I did, loved my family and wanted to be with me all the time. The ex-spouse was nothing like that when I was married to him. He would occasionally throw me a few crumbs of interest but nothing of substance like BPB. You haven't met the man of your dreams yet, BW.<p>I know you are in horrible, horrible pain and confusion and can't figure out how this could happen to you now that you are pregnant have gone through such a terrible time with your spouse only to have him do this to you on top of everything else. All I can say is you will come to a point where he won't matter so much anymore in time and that there is someone out there who is a million times better out there for you and you will find him in time. But for now you have to focus on yourself, your child and this new baby and your education. Believe it or not, you are extremely lucky, hugely lucky, that you are so very young. You have so much time left to make your life right and find happiness. It won't happen overnight and you will have a lot of work to do to get yourself pulled together but you can start today with a STRONG and RIGID Plan B. This is something you must do immediately to protect yourself from subjecting yourself to anymore hurt and pain. This will also give him the opportunity to see what life is really like without you and the kids. In time, he won't like it much, BW. Besides, Plan B protects whatever love you might still have left from completely eroding that could keep you from being able to forgive him and move on with him should he have a change of heart and recommit to you.<p>Flowerseed said it best when she said do what you have to do to get your degree. Stay as strong as you can, stay close to God and pray for guidance. Always know how much everyone cares about you and know we hold you close in our thoughts and prayers. Try to stay calm as possible for the baby's sake, BW...you can't allow him to make you so crazy that it threatens your child's well-being.<p>God has something better than this in store for you. Be patient and listen to your heart.<p>I am thinking of you, BW and praying for you.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=<p>PS I suspsect the reason why your husband is pressuring you to get the divorce is because he knows what a slime he will look like to everyone if he would file on a pregnant woman who was kind enough to take him back after what he had already done. Again, it is all about him. <p>Do not file for divorce, BW...if he wants one so damn bad, let him do it. Like Julia said, don't sign a thing.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

BW,
I care. I am praying for you. Words fail me right now, but know that I am here for you. I agree with Trying4Sainthood...you got us in New Orleans!<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

Just to let you know, I CARE about you! Consider yourself hugged. And hugged some more...<p>You know, it sounds like you still love your husband a lot. Wonder if you could Plan B until he gets a grip on himself? Plan B and not allow him to see his D... (!?) I don't know if that is condoned by MB--gotta research and get back to you. I wonder what Dr.Harley would recommend to you in this case? If it's not in your heart to file, then don't, since HE's the one who wants the divorce, not you...<p>If I were you, I would just pretend I never heard those words. Your H is not in his right mind. Try, try, try to forgive while H is in the fog. WS's say a lot of things they don't mean when in the fog cuz THEY are confused. Plan A/Plan B is for you to maintain YOUR focus on what YOU want. Don't let him confuse you. LOVE, HUGS, and PRAYERS to you! You're gonna make it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

{{{BW}}}<p>I have been watching for you the last couple of nights and still haven't seen you.<p>I want you to know that I have been thinking about you and praying for you, the coming baby and your H. Yes, I believe that he needs it too. I believe we all do. No matter what the circumstances we all need guidance and prayer.<p>As my dad would say, “You need the prayer and I need the practice.”<p>I care about you and your family, even though I have only known you a short while. If it weren’t for you, Twiisty and Dawn71; I wouldn’t be on this board. And I know that there is a plan for why we are ALL here, together. It may be for support. It may be for an outlet to be able to vent, without repercussion. Whatever the reason, there IS one. And we will all be here to meet whatever need it is that you have. <p>When you are ready and able to chat…. My shoulder is her for you to lean on… and my ear is here for you to vent to… <p>May God watch over you, broken_wings… One day, HE will mend those wings and you will FLY once again….

Broken wings,<p> Catnip just said everything I was trying to say. She is so good at it that's why we love her.
I just reread your post I swear the first paragraph was what I heard from my h 71/2 yr. ago when I was 2 weeks from delivering our baby.
I was the one to tell him to leave though it was my birthday May 2 baby was born May 9. I couldn't take anymore of him being gone all the time back then he lived in the bars. Anyhow I went on my way doing things all myself didn't bother to ask him for nothing. I made out like I would be just fine without him big fat a pregnant and all. Even though my heart was breaking. It didn't take very long and he came around about 3 days before baby was born.
Also I remember a letter he wrote that said he really did care that he was just so scared with the baby coming . That was something that never even crossed my mind .It was probably one of the major reasons I gave it another chance. He did some major changes a little at a time allot more so after she was born.
Then after I gave birth all them months of bottled up pis*** up emotions that where in me came back to bite him in the butt. I remember going out and getting wasted quit a few times thinking I was really going to pay him back. I went and found a good job and made it clear to him I could do it without him if thats the way it was going to be.
After baby was born he totally quit drinking and hanging out in the bars decided we were more important to him. It was unbelievable to anyone that knew him so miracles do happen.
The thing is he would have never changed if I would have kept letting him come before me, smash my heart and come and go as he pleased. It was when I put myself first that I got his attention.
When I slipped and stopped thinking about what I wanted and needed and went back to being that door matte is when he cheated on me and I ended up here . Never again will I let that happen its not fun being walked on and it hurts. Hope your feeling better today take care. with love flowerseed<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: flowerseed ]</p>

My dear friend, Broken wings, I am in tears tonight for you, I care, I care a great deal about what is going on in your life. I am very concerned and hope that you are trying to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Please stay strong for your little girl, and for your little angel inside of you. I have been looking for you and hope we chat soon. Please know that I am here for you. <p>All the support and encourgement I have received from you over the last few months has been such a gift and I want you to know I hope I can help you, support you and do whatever I can for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers each day. Please stay in touch, hope to hear from you. Peace and Love, Gabi

Thank you all so much for your responses. You all mean so very much to me.<p>I have to go to class right now, but Ill be back as soon as I find the time to update you all.<p>Lots of Love<p>bw

BW,
You don't know how sad I was to check in and read this post. Old friend, I don't know what else to add to what catnip, gem, and the others have said, but I do know that you will get through this. I am at work right now, so I can't write at length, but you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.
with love,
cd