I know things are going well between H and I and that things are vastly improving since d-day on 05/01/01......BUT.....(there's always a BUT)<p>I'm really down about my H and me as a couple...all our time and lives together, he told me that we have something....we've been told that we have something special...I get cards, notes, letters, phone calls from him (over the span of 16 years) telling me how he wants me for his wife, I'm going to be the mother of his children, how he can't live without me........<p>We get married and two years into the marriage he has three incidences of sex with OW and then creates an OC. <p>What happened to this "special" relationship we are supposed to have? What happened to this "I can't live without you" crap? I can understand a mistake if it was done ONCE...but THREE TIMES?<p>What was his excuse when he did it the 2nd and 3rd time? He told me he threw up each time after he did it with OW...How can he come home and look at me? I feel devalued.<p>I feel like I don't mean shiesse to him. I don't want him to tell me he loves me. It wasn't enough for him to shoo the OW away when she hunted him down, KNOWING he was married?<p>And what's wrong with my Husband that when he was pumping her in the "heat of the moment" that he couldn't frigging look at his wedding band and stop in the middle of what he was doing and say, "whoa...this isn't right...I'm supposed to have a SPECIAL relationship with my wife"<p>When asked what the h*ll he thought he was doing and why......"Stupidity" is his answer...well, I accept it for the first time, but I want a stinking answer for 2nd and 3rd time...if He has stopped at the first time....OW wouldn't have gotten pg with OC. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<p>I want to scream. I am venting and thanks for listening, but I want to hurt my H right now. I am an inch away from filing for separation papers, JUST BECAUSE.<p>But you know what? Leaving isn't going to make what he did with OW go away. We have no contact...leaving isn't going to make OC go away.
The fact that OC exists makes me sick, even though it isn't her fault. Because of the stupidity of her mother and bio-sperm donor, she gets to live a life with our last name and wonder why that bio-sperm donor and his wife can't accept her.<p>I am not happy right now. I want to get both of them with a baseball bat...but violence isn't the answer...need to get me a punching bag.<p>Thanks for venting...I'm not sure what I want to do. Nothing he says is going to be good enough for me...we addressed that in counseling...Mardi Gras is coming up and I get to be reminded of H's and OW's "private party" as the child was conceived during Mardi Gras.<p>This is just what is bothering me...it's coming up and what sucks is that living here, I'll be reminded yearly.<p>I'm gonna go...I'm not doing any good anymore...I want to give up. Sometimes love just isn't enough when trust is broken.<p>thanks for listening...sorry to bore y'all...<p>sadly,
Twiisty

dear twisty,
everything you said is exactly how I feel and exactly how my marraige was and is with my husband right now too. Although my d-day was just a month ago, I feel the same way as you do. Nothing he says can justify what he did and he can't even figure out why he did it anyway. I feel like I need a good reason to understand and accept it but I have a feeling I will never get that. My H did it three times too. He thinks possibly a fourth but he was so drunk he can't even remember what happened that night. I think that may be when the OC was concieved if something did happen that night. Our OC isn't even born yet-due this month sometime.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know I understand and know exactly how you are feeling. Maybe it will help just knowing someone's going thru the same emotions as you are at this very moment. I am sorry for all of us here, we deserve better but we love our husband's too much and somehow continue on. I'll pray for you tonight.Sending my love-Natalia

Hey Twiist,<p>Girl, you hang in there. I know that i am trying desperately to just hold on for dear life. Funny coincidence, but when i ask H why he did what he did, his answer is "stupidity". So then what is the answer for all the lies like having her in our home, going to see her, calling her, taking her calls, paying her rent - all this stuff that happened AFTER he was caught. What is his answer then, he says again, "stupidity". Yea, i can definitely agree with that, but that really doesn't help me from having the heart of a a Taliban Terrorist. BECAUSE of what my h did, I have the most evil thoughts, and i can do nothing to escape them. Like you, they surround me, there are daily reminders, my h, being the main one. <p>What i don't really understand is why don't our H's move us away from the pain. I think you said that you would be in favor of moving and me too, i mean ow now lives like 2 minutes away. WHY WOULDN'T MY H WANT TO HELP LESSEN THE PAIN? Well, i guess, they have other things that are more important, like seniority at work, friends at work, hunting, fishing, being a punk, "i'm the [censored]", COP!!!<p>Well, Twiist, sorry for venting on your thread. What i meant to say was that i am thinking about you and praying for you. Email me soon or call again, please.<p>God Bless,
Julia

twisty, i know exactly how you are feeling. although fh and my relationship seems to be improving i still have to see her a every day when i look at grace and every night when she wakes for feeding. although i have found the (for lack of a better word) compassion to hold grace and comfort her when she is upset i still have not been able to form that special bond i feel is neccesary between a father and daughter. <p>i have read here that time will help and that you (we all) need about two years to get past most of the crap. just keep hanging in there and try to take things one day at a time. God i hate that saying and here i am offering as advice. oh hell go ahead and conk your h with the bat and then let me know which works best metal or wood. then i won't have to experiment when i whack fh with one.<p> seriously although you are going through these negative thoughts you just have to figure out what those four words meant to you "for better or worse". that is probably the main reason i have stayed in my marriage, looking at the positive that it can't get any worse. <p>i seem to be rambling but remember that the Lord will lead you down the path that is best for you. <p>julia, i understand how you feel with the terrible thoughts consrantly going through your mind. i have come to believe that they are good therapy as long as you can just think them and you don't carry them out. if that happens you become the ultimate loser. i have had some very ugly thoughts. some so ugly i had to ask God for forgiveness just because of what i was thinking. i don't have any of those violent thoughts anymore as i have come to realize that even though om was a snake it was still fh who hurt me. <p>i will keep all of you in my prayers and pray for a simple case of amnesia forall of us so we can put this crap behind us. <p>maybe you can go do something for yourself like visit one of those womens beauty spas for a day.

Hello,
I just want to tell you are not alone. I feel the same thing. Next week is when The A happened and maybe OC was conceived. My H tells me the same thing Stupidy. I can see maybe the first time but the 2nd,3rd, and 4th time. Hang in there.<p>Dawn

Twiisty,<p>I understand how you are feeling. Even when things were great between H and I these feelings would pop up out of the blue. I would be consumed with hatred for him. It took me almost a year after D-day to love him again. Now I'm dealing with the anger and hatred I feel towards exOW. I too want to walk away sometimes becasue I don't want to deal with a lifetime her stupid antics. H goes to court on Tuesday I'll post an update of all the new things that are going on and the out come of court. Good luck and keep praying for strength.<p>Tee

Twisty...please hang in there...you are doing so well and from the talks we have had on line at night I can see how strong you are...I'm always glad to see you there b/c you have shown such grace with this.
It is funny from all the reponses the answer of "stupidity" seems to be the number one answer and really not an acceptable one in my book either...I agree I could "accept" (for lack of a better word) that as for the first time...where his lust for anything(since he says anyone could have satisfied him, it wasn't her that he wanted just sex and the satisfaction that he felt desired) but not for the 6-7 times after that and the times he would make plans to see her in a few days and still laid beside me at night until he was to go to the town where she was, and yes he wore his band during the whole thing too. ( I since have removed mine and asked him to remove his too.)
Anyway, I haven't posted in awhile b/c I have soooo many things go thur my head daily and my feelings change hourly. I could have written your post today(good thing I have therapy tonite) and so many times this week. I keep saying to myself...look how far we have gotten. We worked SO hard to get an inch closer...and maybe it is just an inch, but it an inch further away from giving up too.
I'm in the same place as you right now...hold on there...I always say if there is a flicker in my heart of the love we once had I can't give up...
My prayers to you and hope to talk again soon. I am usually on during the week at night.
NGU

twiisty, it is still less than one year, and recovery takes at least two (imo when an OC is involved, I think it takes more than 2!) years. That's two years of BOTH spouses getting educated on recovery and trying hard! So please don't give up yet... keep taking baby steps. <p>It's been 3+years and we're doing great,
Prayers,
J

Thanks y'all for answering my post...I'm feeling somewhat better today...I am beginning to realize there aren't any "reasonable" answers for such a thing to have happened....*sigh*<p>Yesterday was the big blowout...I think I was angry at alot of things in general as a dear friend of mine, T, well...her husband OD'ed accidentally on prescription drugs and had to go to the emergency room and I was with them for 11 hours that day (Tues.)....I think I was tired, mad at all stupidity of stupid men in general (No offense to the men here! Understand the context, please!) and stuff that "T" and I have been praying for our husbands for almost two years are now unfolding before our eyes....<p>We prayed for truth...it got revealed. We prayed that God would step in and help us and HE did and not necessarily in the way we expected. <p>BTW, Pops...I find that a wooden bat has just the right *ooomph* when connected to a side of a head at full swing...(J/k!!!)<p>I appreciate all your concern..."T"'s hubby is now home after spending about two days in ICU...He is going to outpatient rehab to control his pain meds and now he's getting the help he needs. I guess all marriages have their crosses to bear...some different than others. I guess I should count my blessings where there are some...<p>I know we will survive this...I am discovering some patterns about this that I need to share with my marriage counselor...it's very interesting...I'm praying for better tomorrows.<p>Love y'all and praying for y'all......
Twiisty
P.S.
We are driving to Mamou next Saturday to pick up our newest addition to our family...since Rosie, our dog died in August...we needed a new one to let me know if someone is at the door and we are going to pick up our Pug puppy from the breeder...he's a cute little fawn guy and we named him "Kuggy".<p>Can't wait! my son, Bubba, will grow up with the little fella....they live (the pugs) for about 14 years and twiisted as my mind is...I think...good....only two more years after that and we are finished paying CS....do those thoughts ever end???? It's like your whole life is wrapped around that....sheesh!
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