Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. My D-Day was back in Aug 01 and have since gone through some dark times but lately things have been looking up. Basically my W had a one night stand and got pregnant. We have decided to work things out and it is going good. We are still separated right now because she is in the states and I am in Italy due to a work contract I have. I am planning on returning to the US in May or June to be with her and the baby (due in April). <p>Now I could use some advice from those courageous souls who have decided to raise the OC as their own. I know that out of all of this the C is completely innocent but I am having trouble trying to build a bond with the C. It maybe that it is not born yet but I still can't get very excited about alot of the things my W is going through right now. She has ultrasound pics and gets so excited telling me about hearing the baby's heartbeat, etc. but I still get a bit depressed. <p>I guess my question is what kind of things did you do to help build the bond between yourself and the C?

M-E,<p>Well, I can only give you my side, as Sailorman won't be back for another 3 months. I know that he had the same problem while I was pregnant. In fact, he even told me how hard it was for him. We prayed a lot, and I don't think that he truly bonded until Abbi was born, and he was holding her. I sometimes wondered, at the beginning of her life, if he still felt uncomfortable, but these past few months have proven to me how much he truely has accepted her as his D.<p>All I can recommend is that you continue to pray about your situation, and keep an open mind.<p>Tigger

m_e, i don't know that i can give you the answers that you are looking for but i can tell you that what you are feeling sounds very normal to me. i experienced the very same feeling as fullhouse moved farther and farther into her pregnancy. in fact i actually became more distant from her emotionaly. this was true especially when we were out in public and people would want to congradulate us on our upcoming child. <p>without a doubt the hardest thing i did in my life was go into the delivery room with fh. i was so torn between how proud i was of fh giving birth for the 7th time (she has always been a pillar of strength to me in the delivery room. 6 natural births with no meds. and no complaints, she would just bear down and out came another poptart. she was incredible) and the realization that she was actually giving birth to another mans child. this caused a pain in my chest that was almost unbearable. the dr. and rn's had no idea that grace was not mine and kept telling me it was alright to cut the cord and touch grace, which i had to deny at the time. the aire in the room immediately after birth was more like someone had passed on then of a new life being born. it was very sad and i am sure confusing to those who had no idea what the truth if our situation was. grace is a beautiful and healthy baby yet it took me about 10 days before i could manage to hold her. she was crying and fh was in the shower and i felt she needed comforting. since that time it has been easier for me to hold her around the house but i still have some trouble when we are out. i have had talks with grace about things like: i am not afraid of her, i don't hate her, how cute she is, why does she wake me up at 3am, i will never hurt her, etc.. when we are away from home and people want to congradulate us on her it is very hard. people also congradulate me when they see me alone my response is usually "thank you and there are pits in every bowl of cherrys". sometimes i just respond "i am just playing the cards God dealt me". i know i will grow to love her if we manage to keep our marriage together. we have never separated through any of this. <p>one thing i do find is that every day i wake up and see grace in her bed or laying with fh nursing it reminds me of her infidelity and i have to start over again dealing with those issues. it takes me a little while to get a handle on this part but i seem to find it through my interactions at work and manage to come home every night. some nights are harder then others though. i have had to change the radio station i listen to in my truck as the old one plays to many songs that remind me of her a.. i found one that plays old time rock-n-roll which takes me to a much better place in my past.<p>there is another conflict in my life. it seems to me that the posts i have read here where the poster was really the happiest were the ones where they had divorced and moved on with a new marriage putting the bad in their lives behind them. that is just my view so please don't everybody chastise me on that one. thanks. my conflict is that i find myself wanting to move on and put this garbage behind me but i feel crappy as i know it would break fh's heart now if i did. i believe her when i see the quilt, sorrow, remorse, and fear that i may never love her again as i once did in her eyes. this just breaks my heart to see her this way. and i always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. i believe that the grass is greener were you take care of it.<p>i did not post this in an atempt to shed negative light on your problem but instead to let you know that what you are feeling right now is normal and to hopefully make you aware of some of the pitfalls you may stumble upon in the future. i am not fully aware of all the details of your situation but i hope if you can look ahead you may be able to get some counseling to help avoid some of the things i have run across. <p> hope you can join your w soon and good luck

m_e, one thing i did not mention is that although grace has been in our house for about 1 month i still have not made any real bond to her. i think this will take some time to happen and will start as she gets older and begins to do those incredibly cute things that kids do.<p>
if you would like a better explaination if this you can read the post "pops, how are you?" gy gemini 1, scroll down page 1 to just learning's post reply from jan. 1, 02. he does an excellent job of explaining these feelings on bonding. i would give you a web link to click on but i don't have the foggiest idea how to do that.

Bumping this up for K, P51(how is Harley?), and any other's I may have forgotten.<p>Love,<p>Tigger

m_e,
I know exactly what you are going through. My W had a one night stand and got pregnant. My D-day was 9 months ago and the baby was born Dec 01. During the pregnancy I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride. I was not sure I could deal with the A and was not sure I could deal with the baby as a result of the A. I knew the baby was innocent and deserved the love I could give her so I stuck with it and now there is a beautiful little girl in my life. When I look at her I sometimes think that she is not biologically mine but she sees me as her Daddy and I see her as a gift from God and a wonderful little person that deserves to grow up in a house of love and support. <p>Most of all, I love my W and feel that what she did was a mistake. We believe that we can learn from this mistake and make our marriage stronger. We feel that it is important that the baby does not need to be what keeps the marriage together but be an addition to it. <p>This is our first baby so I do not know if I would feel different if the baby was biologically mine. But I do know that I love her and I will be there for her, so in her eyes that is all that matters. The baby your W is carrying will feel the same about you.<p>The only thing I can tell you is fight through these next few months and see how you feel once this baby is born. Time and God are the best remedies to the situation you and I are in. 9 months ago life sucked, now everything seems to be working out just great.<p>Never give up if you love something.<p>hutch

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tigger4jdt:
<strong>M-E,<p>Well, I can only give you my side, as Sailorman won't be back for another 3 months. I know that he had the same problem while I was pregnant. In fact, he even told me how hard it was for him. We prayed a lot, and I don't think that he truly bonded until Abbi was born, and he was holding her. I sometimes wondered, at the beginning of her life, if he still felt uncomfortable, but these past few months have proven to me how much he truely has accepted her as his D.<p>Tigger</strong><hr></blockquote>
I don't know if this is going to work but here goes. I would say that my W knows me very well. I have to agree with how pops felt through the pregnancy, but after Abbi was born it only took till we got her home to really bond. I went through the same emotions in the delivery room and even had to go take a smoke break only a few minutes before she was born. I did cut the umbilical cord(something I didn't get to do for the other two). I hope I have shared some insight.
I had a break in the war and thought I would check in and see how things were going here. Hope all is well!!!!

My uncle was an addicted child molester who spent much of his time in/out of jail. When his girlfriend gave birth to his child, my aunt took it away and raised it as her own.<p>She is that baby's mother, no matter where the child came from or how it was conceived, she adopted that baby and it is hers. She cannot hold it against the baby that her father was such a horrible man (she was molested by him, they are brother/sister). The baby is now 5 years old and doing wonderfully. She has 3 brothers and sisters, and you know what? They are all one big happy family with no distinction as to which one is adopted. (my uncle is still in jail)<p>I say this because I see your situation as very similar. No, you are not the biological father, but you know what? YOU ARE THE BABY'S FATHER. And that is ALL that matters. Where it came from, who donated the sperm, it doesn't matter!!!<p>Your wife's affair MATTERS, that is the issue that needs to be resolved. Yes, this baby is a trigger, and it is your responsibility as the baby's father to not let your issues get between you and your child. <p>Is your name on the birth certificate? If not, did you adopt the baby? If you have done either, then this is a question about how you work out your triggers, not about the baby, or at least it shouldn't be.<p>I guess if these things didn't happen, well, okay everything I just said is not applicable. You can make it be applicable, by adopting the child, but it is not currently. You don't even have to legally adopt the child, you could love it just as much if you were the stepdad.<p>You can ask almost any parent that has adopted a child if they love that child more than one they gave birth to - know what? They will so no, they are both special and they love them both. Even, some stepparents are able to do this (but, not all, I know).<p>You are the one that will raise the baby, you are the one that will be there for it, to love it, and to teach her how to be a good person. You are the only father she will know, so you better be a very darn good one for heaven's sake!<p>Don't lose site of this.<p>I know this is fairy-tale like and maybe people just can't do this. This is the way I hope to be, not the way I am, so maybe I don't know what the he*l I'm talking about. But some of the people on here seem to be able to do it, so I know it's not impossible.<p>No, it is not easy, but you can do it, if you set your mind to it, get counseling, and don't lose focus on what is important.<p>Good luck.
HbH

As I posted on my thread for prayer for Sailorman & MIL, he is going to try to post again within the next week or so. If you have any specific questions for him, go ahead and ask. He said that after that, he won't be able to post till they get home.<p>Tigger