I hope it's okay I have come hereagain to ask for help.<p>"HurtbyHubby" and her H are in recovery. They have just discovered the OW is 7 mo pregnant. HbH is in crisis, she is distraught. Can any of you compassionate, wise members offer her any advice or guidance? Her post is on GQII.<p>Bless you guys,
Jo

Thank you Jo! I came here to post and saw this from you. Here is the link to my post on GQII: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014979<p>In short, H has not seen OW for 6 1/2 months. Has not talked to her in 6 months. He just got a call last Wed from her mom telling him that she was pregnant with his child and that the baby is not doing well and is probably going to die.<p>My H and I talked about this often the past 6 months, we were both terrified it would happen, but OW told my H in July that she got her period and we never heard anything else so we just thought we were lucky.<p>I feel like this is D-day all over, but at least I have my H here for support this time. I keep telling him (and myself) that this is not a new thing, this is a consequence of what happened 6-11 months ago, he did not maliciously set out to hurt me.<p>I am just at a loss for words. I know God has a plan and, realistically, I know it was probably better to find out like this so that my H and I had the 6 months previous to begin to heal (if we had found out 5 months ago, we would probably be divorced by now). <p>I don't want the baby to die, but I also feel relief that I won't have OW in my face for the rest of my life. Isn't that horrible? <p>I told my H that I would adopt the child and we could raise it as our own if OW was willing to put it up for adoption (to me). But, I don't know if that is realistic or a pipe dream. She can't take care of it, and her mom seemed to entertain the idea when my H brought it up, but what she feels, I don't know. I know I could do this, I agonized over it 6 months ago when I thought for sure she was going to come back and say she was pregnant then... <p>I am rambling again, but I just can't believe this is happening. <p>I feel like such a horrible person, I know I should feel bad that OW has to go through this, and that she was a victim too, but I can't seem to see past my anger. No, I don't think she deserved it, but I don't exactly feel sorry for her either. <p>My H, on the other hand, feels horrible, says he screwed up her life, and instead of hating her like he used to, he now feels massive guilt at putting her through this and (I get the feeling) like he has to do something to help her through it. He has not said that though, so I may just be reading in to it.<p>Which, just upsets me to no end. I know I should be compassionate, that I should see things his way, but I just want her out of our lives. No compassion, no sympathy, just worry about the child and care about it, not OW. <p>I am also worried that he will get back with OW if he sees her again. He keeps telling me no, but he has said that before... He wants to fly out to the funeral, but he says that he doesn't think I should go. I am going ballistic just thinking about it cuz' the thought of him with her crying over their baby together, just sickens me to no avail. I think I need to go with him, I really do. He says it's his problem that he has to deal with, and I want to give him space, but I DON'T TRUST HIM.<p>I just am at a loss for words.
HbH

If he absolutely has to go to the funeral...YOU have to go to the funeral. He should never have contact with her without you present. Tell him to read some of the MB policies.
You also dont know for sure that the oc is even his. You may never know if the oc passes. That could be a whole other issue for your h.
Are you in counseling? You may need to do so since your h feels guilty about ow.
Your feelings are normal!!!!Do not feel guilty. Pray for God to soften your heart so you may do the right things for your h in this situation.
If the child survives, do not expect an adoption procedure to go smoothly. Most ow cant stand the fact the wifey is still in the picture. They usually use the oc to hold over h head. Be careful!
You are in a unique situation. I will be praying for you. Hang in there!

Agree with Tryin'! NOOOOOOOO Way should your H and XOW have ANY solo contact, esp. after emotional affair. <p>Any contact he feels must occur, you should be with him. You and H must appear as a united front around XOW, even if you have differences privately. It is the only way your marriage can survive. Can your H agree to the MB principles this site is based on?? Is he dedicated to affair-proofing and protecting the marriage?? <p>Also agree your feelings are very normal. 18+ years is a long stinkin' time to have XOW/OC/ch-support in our lives, reminder of infidelity. Still, I believe God can make good come of bad. <p>In David's (Biblical) case, God took OC away (death). In Abraham's case, God agreed it best to send OC (Ishmael) away, but OC still became an important guy. <p>It would be very unusual for XOW to allow you to adopt, but miracles do happen. You're a good person to consider it. More power to 'ya.<p>My prayers for your pain and uncertainties,
J
in recovery 3+years and doin' great [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you two, it is good to have support. My H is not an MB advocist, but our MC has alot of the same types of suggestions that my H does agree to.<p>I agree that I need to go to the funeral and stay firm with the no contact (or contact only when I am present). I wrote my H a letter tonight telling him what I need to get through this and asked him to do the same.<p>OW ran away with the baby, we only know because her mom left a message for my H when the baby had problems. We don't have contact information. I don't expect to be able to adopt it and have everything go smooth, it hasn't yet, but it is still the only thing I can hope for right now.<p>I don't wish for it to die, and I definately don't wish for OW to be in our lives for another 18+ years, so, I have to hold out for something...<p>I know we don't have proof it is his. We will need to get that if the baby lives. I am in counseling, my H does not have feelings for OW, he just feels horrible inside about what he has done. He wants to make it right, but can't. That is why I fear he will help her, out of guilt, not feelings for her.<p>I can't sleep tonight. This whole thing just sucks. <p>HbH

Dear HbH,
I'm sorry to hear of all this drama unfolding in your lives, for everyone involved. It's not an easy situation to find yourselves in. Perhaps the timing of all this was God's idea from the beginning, to save your marriage...<p>I don't think your feelings and thoughts re: OW/OC are horrible, just human. You are going to get through this regardless, because you have made it through the toughest time, IMO--the first D-day.<p>And even tho you said you feel like it's D-day all over again, you are equipped with information (MB) to help you keep moving forward overcoming resentment. Try not to worry too much about the future. Just focus on the present. Take advantage of today's opportunities to do good and be good. God will give you the strength.

BTDT, thanks, that does make me feel better. You are probably right, this was probably God's plan to save my marriage. It was actually preferable to find out now instead of earlier - if I had to pick. He was in withdrawal for a little while, so that would be all we needed was for her to drop this little bombshell so he would feel obligated to help her and keep her in our lives. I am thankful that did not happen.<p>It is hard not to worry about the future, especially now. What if, what if, what if, you know? <p>I never thought that my H was capable of "loving" another woman, having sex with another woman, and having a child with another woman. It was my biggest fear (well, the affair was, the child thing just wasn't even possible in my head until I found out he wasn't careful).<p>Shock. Pure shock.<p>Thanks again. I suppose it's just like D-day, I never thought we could start to recover, that I could even accept him back in our lives - but somehow I did. I guess this is just like that, I just can't seem to see it past the tears right now.<p>Hbh