I don't know if it will happen, but my H and I are going to try and adopt the baby if she lives. I don't know if the OW will agree, but we are going to try anyway. OW is young, single, alone and works full-time in a career that doesn't support having a family. So I'm not even sure she wants to keep it... <p>It is the only thing to look forward to right now...<p>Anyone else doing something similar? I am just wondering if I am alone on this one. It is an odd situation, I know.<p>We should have an update tomorrow on what is wrong with the baby and if it will live.<p>Thanks,
HbH

No, you aren't alone... not in the slightest...<p>We are in the process of trying to gain custody of Lil Bit... she is now 6 months old... we have Parenting time with her... <p>For more information and LOTS of background... see my thread "A Little Background"...<p>I am praying for you and your family... <p>(((HbH)))

HbH,<p>I emailed you this morning. Did you receive it, hon?<p>Jo

Not a female BS raising the OC, but thought this needed to be bumped up. CD, you out there? Any advice for HbH?<p>Tigger

Hi HbH,<p>It's me. I have a suggestion, perhaps update your profile with the recent info so anyone that responds to you will know the most recent news and can fit things together along your time lines offered.<p>I hope you're doing okay. I received your last email. About to respond.<p>Lv,
Jo

HBH,<p>I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm not raising OC but H goes to court tomorrow re: visitation. I'm going to try and include OC in our lives. You don't have to make any major decsions yet. From what I've read there might not be an OC. I wish no harm on any child but until you know for sure wait and deal with it then. exOW is only 7 months so that gives you and your H two month to decide if you want contact. <p>A lot of families choose no contact that might sound harsh but they do whatever it takes to keep their marriages together. I've always decided to support my H if he chooses contact. exOW is taking him to court suing him for visitation, she doesn't realize a father can't be forced to be in a childs life outside of paying CS. Since we decided to pursue visitation this spring, our lawyer told us to see if we can get things worked out since she has got them started. We'll find out tomorrow. Her main problem as with a lot of exOW's is they don't want us BS's involved in OC lives. A lot of couples pay thousands of dollars to fight for visitation/custody. Good luck but don't make a rash decsion think things through and decide if you can deal with a living reminder of your H affair. Please read you state laws re: paternity and CS. Make sure you do whatever it takes to protect your family. Good luck I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<p>Unsure

HBH,<p>I think you may be jumping the gun a bit. Give yourself and H a little time to absorb and accept the reality that you&#8217;ve been hit with. This is an emotionally charged time that doesn&#8217;t lend itself well to good decision making. With that said, if you and H decide that adopting OC is the way you want to go, how you present this to OW is critical. Is there anything you can share with us about OW and the type of person she is? I, for one, can try and give you some perspective from the OW. I can try and let you know what may be going through her head. If your comfortable with this, I&#8217;ll try to help. Wanting to adopt OC is going to be a very delicate situation. Either OW will want to give up parental rights and allow you to adopt, or you will have to prove her unfit and she could lose custody, but still remain her legal mother. Like I said, it&#8217;s delicate. She&#8217;s going though as much emotional turmoil as you are and may not be in a place to listen. If you&#8217;re going to broach the subject, put a lot of thought into how you&#8217;re going to present it. You may want to run some ideas by the ladies here and get a lot of feedback.<p>OB1<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: ohbratti1 ]</p>

Just an FYI, in most states, it is EXTREMELY hard to prove the mother unfit unless she abandons the child all together, or there is proven abuse. Custody doesn't get taken away from the mother very often unless she voluntarily gives it up. If you and your husband don't get the answer that you are looking for from her - he may be in for a lengthy court battle if he still decides to persue the matter. <p>If he is going to persue it strictly on the basis of her financial status - she always has the option of getting on state/federally funded programs esp. for single mothers. With that in mind - does he have another reason in going for custody? If not, he may be "biting off more than he can chew" and could end up putting out a lot of money when it's all said and done. Just food for thought.

HBH,<p>Let me back track a little bit. You did not state you wanted to prove the mother unfit. I brought that up. I want to make sure that is crystal clear before this thread goes off in an errant direction. Skittles, I'm sorry if my post was misleading in any way. HBH, you talked about adoption. So I'll stick to that topic, unless you state otherwise. So, my advice in regard to adopting OC is to take some time and absorb the news of the pregnancy and the baby's medical condition. It's a double blow. Please don't make any hasty decisions. Again, if you wish to get some perspective on what the other party may think or feel, I would be happy to help.<p>OB1

I was just exploring options, possible scenarios, hurdles. Either way the situation goes, keep in mind what is in the best interests of the child because that will be the main concern of the county/state agency involved.

I would not try to get OW pronounced as an unfit mother, my hope was simply that she would not want the baby and give it up for adoption. My H and her mom have been talking and her mom was saying how she (her mom) wouldn't be able to care for the baby, she was too old. Now, OW lives 1500 miles from her mom, so it would seem they were thinking about her mother and father raising the child. My H said he wanted to raise the child where we are and they actually discussed it (her mom and him, not OW). They didn't discuss OW giving up all rights and letting me adopt it though. My H did not think I would even consider it so he didn't bring it up. I know that would be slim, but, one can hope, right? It's at least a possibility...<p>Thanks for setting that straight though, my H says he wants to get custody, but there is no way he could if she wanted to keep the baby. He is in for a mighty blow there and the money he would waste is the $$ I make, so, I won't be too keen in supporting lengthy court battles.<p>I also think we would need to seperate if that happened cuz' there is NO WAY I want to pay CS for OW to raise a kid we won't even see. My H and I could still be together, but financially and mentally, I would need it. I make 6x as much as my H because he is a student right now. I have to talk to a lawyer before doing anything, maybe I would still have to pay for a while, but...<p>OH, you are so right about presenting it to her, I didn't think of that! I may actually have to be nice to her (EWWW!!!). We are not doing anything, just talking and freaking out and going over options.<p>And yes, I am getting way ahead of myself. For all we know, tomorrow around this time we will find out the baby did not survive. But it's hard to just wait and not do the "what if" scenario, y'no?<p>Talking about it does help because now I know what types of questions need to be asked and a better idea of what I want and how to handle it. The outcome of this is horrendous no matter which way it goes, I guess some are just worse than others. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Stacie, I will do that - thanks for the support. It is nice to know we are not alone...<p>OH:
I am not quite OW-friendly if you will. I mean the OW I am dealing with, in general, I have no issues with other OW's, some are very, very wonderful people that found themselves in bad situations, which you were probably one of. I am not sure I could handle your side of things right now, but maybe someday, I thank you for offering. The emotions I have for OW are all over the place, and none of them are in the least bit good or sympathetic... Hope you are not offended at that.<p>Unsure:
Thanks for the support. The first thing I did was threaten H with this very thing when I found out. I was wrong, out of character and said some mean stuff (yes, choose between your illegitimate [censored] you had with OW or your family). I can't take it back, but it did come out all wrong. My boundary for the past 8 months is not having OW in my life, I actually went to plan B because of it. When he started talking about her being there, visitation, dealing with her, I lost it. I don't think my H would agree to no visitation unless something major happened to prevent it or stop him. I am numb and don't have feelings either way right now.<p>Thanks again everyone. You have been very supportive!!<p>HbH

HBH,<p>No offense taken. None whatsoever. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] All I really have to offer you is what the OW may think or how she may respond to you. Kind of like insider trading. If you have an inkling of what is going through her head, then your position is stronger. Being prepared to deal with what lies ahead of you will help you reach your goal, whatever that may be.<p>OB1

OH:<p>you are right. Let me get past tomorrow and find out what the status on the baby is, and if/when I find out she will live, I will probably ask... It does help to be informed. <p>My C will probably bash me over the head anyway about how I should sympathize with OW and how she didn't want this child either, how she must feel, etc. <p>I just feel like she made her choice, now she needs to take responsibility and deal with it. My H did too, and so does he, this includes OC, but not OW. No sympathy for her choosing to use a married man as a plaything until she left for her job 1/2 way across the country (no intention of long term relationship, just something to do while she was here for her last year of college), then being stupid enough to have unprotected sex. (Yes, my H was stupid too, no sympathy for him on that one either).<p>This is her issue, not mine or my H's. OC is our issue and we need to take responsibility for her. (well, my H does and I am here for support).<p>I guess I just don't want to hear how innocent OW is, how much she is suffering, or how she is a victim. She is not a victim. She made her choices and has to live with them. My H did not use her and trick her into thinking he would be with her, etc, etc. She knew I was a good parent and that my H was suffering from severe depressions, insomnia and self hatred. SHE KNEW!! UGH. <p>His whole relationship with her happened during this time, so needless to say, he was not himself, AND he can't remember hardly anything about it. He was lost the whole time, a walking zombie. Immersed in his own self-hatred, blaming me for everything and pushing it on to me so he could try and run from his problems (if he could convince himself he didn't love me, it justified him running away from his family for some reason - self hatred).<p>The bit*h. I just get so mad thinking about her. How can anyone take advantage of a person you KNOW has these problems, yes, all of us would want to help, but oh, it pis*es me off royally. I know my H is at fault, he is not off the hook, even if he had these problems, was at an all-time low in his life, he still should have said no instead of using her to try and get little highs between his depressions (EA). And once that started, he was doomed. <p>Man suffering from all time low and depression finds solace when he "runs" from his problems (and thinks OW was the reason he was suddenly happy sometimes, but it was really him avoiding his issuse that made him happy once in a while - to get away - not her as he came to realize months later).<p>I mean, you KNOW when it is just wrong to get involved with someone going through that. You KNOW it. It is not rocket science. Okay, being married is one thing, even if the WS says the marriage is horrible and convinces the OW - fine. But this is a double whammy. She not only chose to be with a married man, but also one she knew was unstable and totally at a low point in his life.<p>I'm sorry, this is off-topic, but I guess I have to vent now since I got all worked up.<p>You are right though, I will need to know what she is thinking. What I THINK she is feeling is scared, alone, anxious, worried - the same thing as us. She probably finally realized her "little game" was not so little after all, and is feeling major guilt and heartache from the pain she has caused (just like my H). Plus, her "game" ended 4 months early cuz' my H went back to me, so she probably feels rejected as well. She probably did not want to interfere in our marriage recovery (once it hit home what she did), so that is why she kept the baby hidden, and chances are, we may not have even known about this until some kid walked up on our doorstep 12 years from now wanting to know who is dad was. I REALLY, REALLY think this would have happened, which just pis*es me off even more, to THINK that she feels she has the right to do that. I really think the only reason we found out is because there are problems and the baby is likely to die, otherwise, I really don't think we would have.<p>But, I can't waste my time worrying about how she feels. I guess, (if it comes to it), I may need to understand what she may do next, in order to protect us. <p>Thanks for listening to me vent. Told you I had a lot of emotions. I UNDERSTAND OW, I can accept the way she feels, but I do NOT feel sorry for her. No, she does not deserve to lose a child, but y'no what? GETTING PREGNANT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN - DUH!! It's a consequence of her actions. Other people can help her and sympathize with her, and I hope she does get help - just not from me or my H.<p>I will probably still take you up on your offer though, IF I need to. <p>I am okay now. I really needed to get that out, thanks for helping me vent and get this out. I didn't realize how much I had to say about it, all festering inside. I feel better now.<p>HbH

HbH,
Just want you to know I think it's *okay* for you to be thinking about OC at this time, so long as you are realistic about XOW being a lose cannon (not very well balanced!) and your H is commited to protecting the marriage. <p>I too told my H I would raise the OC if XOW would give us custody, but he refused to ask her as he assumed she would not consider it. Anyway, the birthmom needs time to mentally/emotionally process the possibilites, and hopefully get help from counselors. In some cases, the MM and W raising the OC is, I think, a great solution to a horribly painful problem. Personally, I would much rather be enjoying the OC as my own than paying XOW ch-support for 18 years!! I REALLY wish my H had been willing to ask XOW before the birth, because once the birth happened, the bond was there, XOW was pissed at us, and custody was no longer an option. <p>Keep goodness in the forefront and God be with you,<p>J
recovered! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

HbH,<p>Vent away! This is the place for it. You won't hear from me about the OW being innocent in any way, shape, or form. Your focus should be on doing what is best for you and your marriage...with or without OC. The journey can be long and hard. You must deal with it at your own pace. Do not let yourself feel rushed or pressured into making decisions before you're ready. When/if you ever have any questions, I'll be lurking.<p>OB1

Jenny, thanks for your story. It helps to hear others think/feel/have been through the same things. I am just numb today, waiting to hear what is next in this saga. <p>OH, thanks for understanding and being here. You seem like a very wonderful person with some great advice.<p>I am talking about all these possibilities and stuff, but something just tells me the baby has already passed. I kind of push this voice away most of the time, but, I don't know. I could be wrong, not usually when I listen to this sense, but other times when I try to be rational. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>No more talking about anything today. Just waiting to hear from OW's mom, that's all I'm going to concentrate on. Getting through the day. I will be there for my H tonight, no matter what the outcome. We have made a date to make love and hold each other to help deal with whatever news we find and know how special we are to each other. Then tomorrow, I'll schedule an MC appointment to deal with whatever news it is.<p>I guess I sort of screwed up this morning though. I asked him to find out how far along the baby is and what is exactly wrong with her and why they thought she would die (incase she lives we need to know what we are dealing with and to be more sure my H is the father, there is only a 3-week period that they had sex, so if she is anything other than 31-35 weeks pregnant, my H either isn't the father or he has alot of explaining to do).<p>That wasn't so bad, but I also talked about the information I've been getting from this site, and how it is helpful, and he kind of shut down. He is convinced that plan B was the worst thing I ever did and the people here who helped me emotionally make that plunge were way off base and totally made a bad situation worse. NO. He just hasn't accepted it and is re-writing alot of things in order to not take responsibility for it (we are working this in MC/IC). BUT, anyway, he thinks the advice here is going to be totally bad and he said the baby is his responsibility not mine so I shouldn't be finding out all this stuff for him, he has to do it on his own. I was co-dependent so this kind of hit a chord. I told him I was sorry, that I thought he would be happy about some of the info and that I was only getting it IF he wanted it, I wasn't going to try and push the stuff on him or make the decisions for him. I said I'd stop telling him the info I get here, unless he asks.<p>But, that didn't go well at all and I hope I didn't push him away farther. He wants to deal with this on his own, but then again, he likes me being there for him. I want to be a team and make sure we do this right so we can eventually heal and not ruin all we've done the past months in recovery...<p>Guess, he is just emotionally charged and I need to be careful. It is so tough though. I don't want to be co-dependent and do his stuff, but it does affect me. Plus, I want to be there for him without making it seem like I am forcing him to make certain decisions.<p>Tough walk to make.
HbH