It's unfortunate that I am here, but I need some advise. I'm also new to this site so, please be patient with me.
Three years ago I had an A and a child was conceived. During this 3 yr period I tried to figure out how to tell my W and how to handle the pain I knew this would cause. I kept this secret locked away until I could figure out a way to deal with the shame and the guilt. I'm still confused on what to do.
My W and I attend counseling and it seemed to help, in the beginning. Now it seems like the counselors' not even in the room.
Now we are seeking the grace of God to help and guide us through this terrible thing I've done.
D-day for my wife and I was Nov 2001. W found out about A by reading a letter that I wrote to the exOW concerning my involvement with the OC. The letter was left on my computer desk and was never delivered. Why?, I don't know. I have had no contact with exOW for about 18 months and exOW has not contacted me for CS. I never took a paternity test nor was I there for the birth. By the way, exOW was married, but separated. I was wondering, "what to do next"?
My W and I are actually closer than we've ever been. I guess we feel each other with more compassion and with a deeper thirst for our love.
I am so ashamed for what I did before God and my family. I really feel like a fool for putting my W and my life at risk. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Mr. Smith just know, you are here in this website for a reason. God wants to help you. It is no accident that you are here. God loves you so much and He has not changed His mind about how He feels about you.<p>Sincerely,<p>Makingmenmatter@hotmail.com<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mr. Smith:
<strong>It's unfortunate that I am here, but I need some advise. I'm also new to this site so, please be patient with me.
Three years ago I had an A and a child was conceived. During this 3 yr period I tried to figure out how to tell my W and how to handle the pain I knew this would cause. I kept this secret locked away until I could figure out a way to deal with the shame and the guilt. I'm still confused on what to do.
My W and I attend counseling and it seemed to help, in the beginning. Now it seems like the counselors' not even in the room.
Now we are seeking the grace of God to help and guide us through this terrible thing I've done.
D-day for my wife and I was Nov 2001. W found out about A by reading a letter that I wrote to the exOW concerning my involvement with the OC. The letter was left on my computer desk and was never delivered. Why?, I don't know. I have had no contact with exOW for about 18 months and exOW has not contacted me for CS. I never took a paternity test nor was I there for the birth. By the way, exOW was married, but separated. I was wondering, "what to do next"?
My W and I are actually closer than we've ever been. I guess we feel each other with more compassion and with a deeper thirst for our love.
I am so ashamed for what I did before God and my family. I really feel like a fool for putting my W and my life at risk. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote>

Mr. Smith,<p>One, my DH does not post here but he would understand your shame. I think that, at least for awhile, it is healthy shame, because your conscience knows what you did was wrong. But God understands when we repent a wrong and "forgives our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us". As my MB friend Binthere put it, when we honestly repent, the blood of Jesus covers our sins. The hard part is forgiving yourself. Go forth and sin no more; saved by faith, not good works. (although personally I think both are good [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Two, check on your legal rights and responsibilites. Each state laws re: ch-support are different. Find out if XOW can sue for back ch-support; this is critical! Three years is a lot of ch-support. If your state does not require back ch-support, then it is in your interests to "let sleeping dogs lie". If/when XOW wants money, require a DNA test first, then you will be obligated by your state laws to provide certain things, although contact with OC is still optional. <p>You, the wondering spouse, should have no solo contact with XOW, as that destroys the trust in your marriage. Any decisions about visitation with OC should be by mutual agreement with your wife. Policy of joint agreement is one of the great ideas you can find on this MB website. I really recommend the policies, Emotional Needs Questionaire and Love BUsters Quiz to help affair-proof your marriage. <p>Good luck and prayers for recovery,
J
in recovery 3+ years [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

God forgives us because He knows us and is well-acquainted with our weaknesses. That's why He made provision for them in advance (through the Blood of Jesus). [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Mr. Smith, you have such a tenderheart. I'm sure you will do whatever it takes to keep letting your wife know just how sorry you are.<p>You are going to have to apologize to her and reassure her A LOT by constantly proving yourself to her, you know? <p>I know the feelings of guilt and shame that crop up over the years after the affair, only from the mother of an OC perspective. There are many, many triggers ahead of you in life. Each time there is a hurdle in front of you, you have to remind yourself that God forgave you, secure the innocent person in your love--in your case, it's your BS, in my case, it's my OC--forgive yourself (yet) again and move onward to the next hurdle. And there will be hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, sorry to have to tell you...<p>Jenny is right, God (& adhering to MB concepts) will get you all through this. Be strong in Him.

p.s. A "trigger" to a betrayed spouse (BS) is different for a wayward spouse (WS) or other woman (OW). AND I imagine, my son has triggers ALL HIS OWN! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So when I mentioned the word "trigger" to you, I mean things will crop up that trigger your shame and guilt and remorse...<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Mr. Smith,<p>Welcome to the board. You sound like you already know much of what must be done to restore your marriage. Read, read, read, the Harley's materials, answer your wife's questions honestly. Dribbling out the truth in bits and forcing your wife to dig for the answers to her questions only prolongs the agony. If she asks a question that you think the answer to will only hurt her, I suggest that you tell her that. "I will answer your question honestly but I would like you to think for 24 hours first if you really want the answer to that question and why you want it. Some questions and answers may only cause hurt and give you visions in your head that you may later wish aren't there. I love you and want what is best for you, not what is most comfortable for me."<p>As for the self-forgiveness thing. I think that it is something that the WS owes to the BS, but that is not outlined here on MB. My husband has much further to go in forgiving himself than I have to go in forgiving him. His self-loathing drags our marriage down and causes him to wallow in self-doubt, self-loathing and eventually self-pity. He knows the way out is confession to our Lord and then acceptance of that forgiveness. That is the part he doesn't get. Forgiving my H is a daily habit for me. When thoughts of the A enter my mind, I sweep them out. I make a deliberate choice each time they happen to not seek retribution, to not keep our marriage stuck in the mess that ended 18 months ago. The problem is that he doesn't do the same thing. I wish he would reclaim God's forgiveness each and every time he thinks about the affair. I want my husband back fully, the way he used to be, the man he could be again. Not this sad, beaten down shadow of what he used to be.<p>I wish you and your wife a wonderful recovery,
MaryJanes

Let me welcome you to our board Mr. Smith.<p>How I wish my husband could respond here. i think I will print your post and give it to him to read and perhaps he will write something for you.<p>
I can only tell you that you are on the right path by seeking healing through God. If I didn't have the church I don't know where I'd be. <p>I do know that he has been my salvation and has saved my heart, mind and soul from such severe pain I didn't want to wake up in the morning.<p>Continue to pray for yourself and your family. Pray out loud with your wife, together holding hands. That by far has been the greatest therapy for my H and I. I learn so much about what's in his heart when he's speaking not to me, but to God.<p>Wishing you all the best,
Z.