Hi.... never posted here, but this is my story.<p>In July (ish) last year my wife decided that we were not what she wanted, and decided to move out. Various reasons were given but, from what I can understand the general gist was that she was too young, and didnt want to be tied down. I was devestated and lost about 10 kilos (20 pounds) over that month.<p>Over the next month or so I saw very little of her, but knew she was living with a friend, a male friend from work. During this time she met up with friends through work and ended up sleeping with one of the friend's friends whilst drunk.<p>Over the next few weeks we began talking more, and things were getting better (I still had no idea about the guy she had slept with).
Then we met at her parents where she told me what I suspected... she had been unfaithful... she told me that she was now sure that she loved me and wanted to be my wife BUT, she was pregnant... five weeks pregnant. As this put conception from me as an impossibility as we had not made love for a few weeks before she had left, and the foetus is calculated from the beginning of the menstrual cycle. Therefore, the child was not mine.<p>I told her I loved her and always had. She got to see just how much she had hurt me over the next few months, as I had a very hard time coming to grips with it all. I continued to let her know how much I loved her, but we had quite a few BIG fights during this time... showing restraint I have never brought up the OC in a fight.<p>I am the only one who knows. The other guy knows nothing and will know nothing.... but it puts me in very hard spot sometimes.<p>My wife has been going to see the friend she lived with (whom I do not know) who is considerably older than her, although I have told her that her going there will be a sure way to kill our marriage. I am asking her to not see him as I dont know what their relationship is. However, he still rings her on her mobile, and she rings him sometimes too.<p>She is 8 months pregnant, and is dealing with the guilt better now but it still comes up. We try to talk about our fears (other child looking unlike me in any way...its a boy), and our marriage. But I am finding it very difficult to trust her.<p>Perhaps I should leave before the baby comes... but I love her so much, and I know that I will be a great Dad no matter what.... I just feel so resentful sometimes.<p>BTW, we have been married now less than two years. She is 24, I am 26....<p>So what does my life have in store for me?????

Ozeman1,<p>I am sad to welcome you to our forum. I was in your W's shoes a year and a half ago. I honestly don't know what to say, as my H and I have been married 13 yrs this coming March, and we are both a little older than you and your W. What I can say is that your W DOES need to stop all contact with this old roommate. There is no need for that relationship to continue. If she needs someone to talk to, that person should be you.<p>My H does post here, but not so often. I know that he is going to try to get on line soon, and said he may be able to post. We, also, never told xOM, and pray that he will never find out. There is no need for him to ever be involved in our lives again, as my H is Abbi's Daddy in all the important ways.<p>I also understand the concern about the baby not really looking like you, we too had the same fears, before we knew we were having a girl. Our other two children each take after one of us, our S looks like my H, and our D looks like me. Luckily, Abbi looks like me.<p>I wish that I had more advice, but others will be by soon.<p>Tigger

Ozeman1,<p>I saw your post hadn't been answered and thought I would aleast say hello and offer a few comments.<p>I really didn't like what I had posted to you so I came back and edited it. Frankly, I would be very concerned if she doesn't see why you don't want her contacting other men. This is something that both of you need to agree on. <p>I hope you read the information on this site espeically the "rules" for a successful marrige. Perhaps they will make sense to her.<p>Hopefully, K, Stilltrying, Hutch, and others will come and post.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

bumping up for responses!

ozeman,,, i am sorry to have to welcome you here. you have however come to a place where the people have shown great strength and have and will give you incredible support along with terrific advice if you want it. <p>i must say in agrrement with previous replys that i feel your w MUST end all ties with these other friends if she truly wants your marriage to have a chance of reconciliation. change her mobile number and don't give it to him. <p>you and your w are both so young and fresh in this marriage that it is such a shame to see this happen. sorry that i don't have the answers you are seeking. i know that your emotions must be going crazy. for me the hardest time was from my w's 7th month up to birth. i felt that there was no way for our marriage to survive. <p>you are most likely experiencing low self esteem and some forms of depression. try to make time for yourself everyday. find someone to talk with as being able to express your feelings will be of great help. <p>i know this is minor in relation to your woes but if you are like me i lost 40 lbs during my w's affair and have been able to keep the wieght off. my wieght is now down to where it was when i was 20 years younger and i feel great health wise. this has been a tremendous boost in my own self esteem. just one positive note which was the first building block for me to start my recovery.<p>long story short. wife -- 46, me -- 49, with w --27 years, married -- 22 years, 6 kids together (3 boys - 3 girls), 1 son (mine prior to marriage), w's affair spring 2001, d-day memorial day 2001, w's daughter born 12/20/01, we have never separated and we are working hard yet struggling to get through. she feels tremendous guilt and remorse for her actions and i am struggling hard to find the right reason to stay in our marriage. i have not been able to bond with grace as of this time. i understand of her innocense but still when i gaze into her eyes i see her bio father. <p>this however is me . there are several other men here who have and are showing incredible strength in excepting the other child. <p>wishing you the best of luck,
pops

I guess everyone (no matter which side of the story is yours) has those days where life is a suck hole... and the days where perserverance and love seem to make it all worth while.<p>At the beginning, the sucky days outnumbered the good ones ten-fold.... I think the good ones are catching up tho.<p>I wish there was no one who knew what I am feeling... but I am glad there are! work that one out.....

Even though I'm divorced, I still love and care for the OC, who calls me daddy, and am ready, willing, and able to take care of him the moment his mother and/or father can not do so. My xW knows that OC always has a place in my home with his sisters and me.<p>I remember Tom Selleck said something to the effect than even though life is not fair, WE CAN be fair.<p>Good luck Ozeman1.<p>Joe

justanotherjoe,,, if you don't mind my asking, what happened to your marriage to cause it to end in divorce? you said that you were able to bond to the oc in your marriage. i am having a difficult time bonding with oc from my w's affair. she is a beautiful,5 week old little girl but i can't help but see her as a constant reminder.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by pops:
<strong>justanotherjoe,,, if you don't mind my asking, what happened to your marriage to cause it to end in divorce? you said that you were able to bond to the oc in your marriage. i am having a difficult time bonding with oc from my w's affair. she is a beautiful,5 week old little girl but i can't help but see her as a constant reminder.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
I would be glad to pops.<p>My xW and I had a very stormy relationship before and after we got married. She would lie to me even about the smallest things and trying to get the truth from her was like pulling teeth. I don't recall even one day in all the years we were together in which we did not argue over little things. We had very little in common except our daughters and I guess that was the main reason why I stayed in the M for so long.<p>Unlike tigger4jdt or other WW's that expressed remorse over their affairs and committed to heal their M and their spouses, my xW thought it was her right to have one but whoa if your's truly even glanced at another woman because it was WWIII if I did (Ironic how cheaters are a jealous bunch isn't it?).<p>So without a history of good times to offset the bad ones and a long history of lies, not to mention her A and the birth of the OC, our M was destined to die. In another post I mentioned that I was willing to adopt the OC but she refused because she would loose her bargaining chip with the OM.<p>Hope that answers some of your questions pops and good luck with your situation.<p>Joe<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>