Please, I desparately need some direction. I am new to the board. Posted a few months ago (right after D-Day, which was November 1st). We have been married for 5 1/2 years. H had affair beginning late summer. Told me in the Fall. H and I agreed to work on our marriage after I found out he had A. We have both gone through the MB site and information (the quizzes, etc.). We even tried the policy of joint agreement and radical honesty. That was halted when H indicated that he wanted to establish a relationship with OC and he didn't think he and I could agree on how he does that. H had affair with OW about 14 years ago. H was married to someone else at the time. H and OW had affair for about 2 years. OW had a child (never telling H). Last summer, H saw OW after all these years and started an A. OW told H that one of her 4 children was his. H. took paternity test (without telling me) and OC is his. OW has had another man paying CS and raising OC as his own, so legally, H is not the father. Supposedly, OW has told this man that he is not the father. OW told OC that H is her father. Now, H wants to have relationship with the OC. OW has tried to get H to leave me. OW posted vulguar words on my house and garage (i.e. saying what she did with H sexually and that she was mother of OC). OW taped someone having sex and told H that I had taped H and me having sex and sent it to her. This of course, was a lie. H told OW he was going to stay with me and work out our marriage. OW still called. H gave me his cell phone. OW decreased calls for one month. Hung up when she got me. H has been calling to talk with OC. Sometimes he talks to her, sometimes OW says OC must not have gotten the message. H. gave OC a gift. OC said she liked it, but H didn't think other child was excited. OW called and told H that OC "loved the gift". OW has called several times asking for money for OC. H and I agreed that so long as he puts our marriage first and thinks of me before he acts or makes a decision, I can deal with him interacting with OC and OW. Supposedly interaction with OW is only related to OC.<p>I don't know whether I am being a fool or whether I should go along with this plan. I have been thinking to myself that I will see from his behavior what is going on. If he cheats again, I would then leave. I am keeping a journal and then reviewing it, noting times I think he is not putting our marriage first. For example, he returned a call to OW on my cell phone. Now she has my number (although she has not called me).<p>Is it possible for H to have relationship with OC, not cheat with OW, and work on our marriage? I just dunno.

JustDunno,
personally, I would be pretty careful about this one. Of course it could be detrimental for you to insist on no contact if your H really wants to establish a relationship with his child, but I would have to question what it is about that particular OW that took your husband back a second time? It appears she is manipulative but after being with her for 2 years the first time, your H should have realised that by now. What made him reconnect with her the second time? Would your husband agree to you being involved in EVERYTHING that concerns this OC? Could you go along for visits, be there when he calls, help pick out gifts, etc.? I think it is admirable that he wants to be a father to this child, but I would be just a little wary about it being a front for more opportunities to see OW as well.