Hello. Seems I am the newest member of our sad little club!
Found out in October that my husband had had a "one-night stand" with an old friend (a 'sex' aquaintance) after we had only been married for 6 months. Of course I found all of this out when the baby was born -- a girl. Turns out the woman had moved to our state and had been living here for several months.
According to my husband, he felt bad about the night and never planned on doing it again (hmmm, have we all heard that before? Does anybody still believe it?), only she got pregnant.
We have visitation with the child, which actually is the easiest part of the whole deal. As long as my husband and I are on the same side as far as deciding when we see her, what we say to the other woman, etc I feel okay.
But there is so much anger underneath. We are in marriage counseling. Trying to stay together. I feel beyond robbed and cheated -- had just gone on prenatal vitamins myself in anticipation of becoming pregnant with our first child, and my husband's parent's first grandchild. Now they both have the baby but not me! I'm "on hold". My future, my ability to have kids, etc.
I have also gotten my own therapist to help me deal with the anger. It rears its ugly head all the time. I have read a lot of the posts here and I feel like I'm writing them myself. It's nice to know we all have the same thoughts/feelings. Makes me feel more "normal" somehow.
Hope everyone is feeling okay today. I bounce back and forth from minute to minute, as I'm sure all of you do also. I wish happy endings for all of us, even though they may be a long time in coming. But surely they do, right?
JN

I want to welcome you here and say I'm sorry you are here under this situation all in the same breath. I have ben here for 18 months now, we have been recovering at a snails pace, but recovering just the same. We do not have visitation.
I think you are smart for working on yourself and your marriage. There are such wonderful people here who can help you, support you, and offer all the hugs you need.
And yes there are happy endings here...and I hope one day I can truely say that we have reached that...it seems more and more a possibility as time goes on.
Keep posting and God Bless.
NGU

JN, welcome to the board! I'm sorry for your pain. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I'm SOOO glad you're in counseling!! The grief is heavy. I'll try to bump up my "thoughts for newbies (again)" post... it's worth a read, honest. Keep working on your marriage and hang in there!!<p>J
in recovery 3+ years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Chickendoc1

Welcome, you have come to the right place. There are so many wonderful people here that will help you and let you know that you are not alone. Which I always felt was the hardest. I suggest to go back to previous posts and read read read..haha, It will help, to learn others stories and how the delt with it. There are so many people with such great strength here, it almost seems to rub off!<p>I am sorry you have to go through this, it hurts, you will be angry, you will be up and down. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let God lead you there.<p>God bless you and your family.
HS

Thank you for your messages. I also wish none of us had to be here, but since we are I am glad that it will be a helpful place.<p>I am still unsure what to do. On the stronger days, I feel like telling him to get lost. When I got married, this is not what I signed up for. I wanted something real, not fairy tale, but real. Instead I have gotten a nightmare. One that I didn't create, but may have to endure for the rest of my life due to his actions.<p>I don't seem to be able to get past the "incident" which is why I'm seeking therapy on my own. He swears that he will never do it again -- not worth it, and he says he felt guilty about it where in the past (with other relationships) he never had the feeling of remorse. I have to believe him because I have no choice (if I stay). I have to take him at his word. <p>The visitation with the other child was initially my idea (although he agreed) because I told him that I expected him to own up to his mistakes. To me, him running away from this child was as good as admitting that he didn't make a mistake. Now sometimes I wish we didn't have to be involved. The little girl is just a baby so I don't mind seeing her (only 3-1/2 months old), but having to constantly interact with the woman to set up visitation, work on a parenting plan, etc just seems to keep a wound open for me. So sometimes I wish we could give it up just so WE can heal our marriage without the "salt". But as long as she remains reasonable, I will be reasonable too, for the child's sake.<p>She may be moving out of state though and that doesn't disappoint me at all (of course). I know that it will lessen his involvement with visitation and he will have to travel out of state for visitation (so I will likely not go, and will not have much contact at all with this child). In ways it will be easier, some harder. <p>It is still too early in this situation to judge what I will do. My family does not know anything. I have a marriage counselor, a therapist, a sister, and 4 friends that know. So I will likely rely on this group a lot for support. One of my friends has been through something very similar but her husband left --so although there are some differences, our emails to each other are intense and understood without question (to a tee). It is nice.<p>I feel for every one of you, in a way that I could not have 4 months ago. I would have judged your decisions (to stay, to go, whatever). I am no longer that person. I understand every emotion that you have, because I have them too. I will be here to listen if any of you need to vent, just like I know you are here for me.<p>JN

Chicken,
Cant post too much, will post more later. But do I ever know what you are feeling...same here for first child and first grandchild and my h was told it would be difficult for him to father a child...so much for modern medicine. Hang in there. I will post more later.

Welcome ChickenDoc,<p>What a user name!? Where did you come up with it.<p>I am glad that you found our little corner of the Internet. There are a great group of regulars here, in all stages of recovery and each have had to figure out their own solutions to the situation in which we find ourselves. Some have visitation, some don't. There are a few guys on here who are raising children conceived of their wife's affair. <p>MJ<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</p>