Thanks to savedbygrace re: my last post. WS is trying to establish relationship with OC (who is 12 yrs old). Another man was told he was the father of OC (OW says she really didn't know) and he signed the birth certificate and has been paying CS (and he is the legal father). <p>WS told me that he has plans to spend time with OC this weekend. I accept the fact that he will see her. I am having a difficult time trying to figure out how I should handle the fact that he is going to be seeing the OW. <p>If the past is any indication, OW will continue to manipulate the situation (she has been calling asking for money, even though she is receiving money from the legal father of OC). She has prevented OC from spending time with WS up until now. <p>How do I deal with the fact that WS will be seeing and talking to OW? Are there any precautions I can take? Is it stupid to go along with this? WS says he knows OW is manipulative, but he has to deal with her to see OC. During a discussion between me and WS, I suggested he let some time pass - 6 months before he try and see OC (time to pass for OW, time for OC to become acclimated to WS). WS did not agree. I also suggested that WS not go inside OW's house. He did not agree. WS said if he wanted to be with OW, he could. WS said I should be focused on our marriage, not controlling what he does. I said fine. I asked that he do as he agreed, put our marriage first and think of how his decisions or actions would affect our marriage prior to acting. He said he would. Then two weeks, later he returned a call from OW (asking for money to have OC's hair done) using my cell phone. I think this showed he wasn't thinking of me or our marriage. I don't know whether I should just throw in the towel or hang in there.

Dear Dunno,<p>Forgive me for being a little foggy on some of your details. OC is 12 years old? Has the A been over for a long time? Did you just find out?<p>Have you read most of the material on this site? If so, you must be familiar with the POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). Could you get your husband to agree to live by such a policy? Neither one of you does important things without the *enthusiastic* agreement of your spouse. I know, it doesn't sound so great and most spouses would probably see it as attempt at massive control on the part of their spouse. I know my H won't agree to it, but we work much more together on issues regarding exOW and OC than your H seems willing to do.<p>It sounds like you are right and H is not putting your marriage first--its rightful spot in both of your lives. Maybe he might agree to some phone counseling with the Harleys?<p>I know for certain that I never welcomed you to the board. Sorry for the oversight. Welcome! I am sorry that another person has found herself in our shoes. Wish the word would get out there that affairs are *not* worth it and no more hurt spouses would have to find their way here.<p>Keep posting. You'll get lots of great advice. If you are brand new to the knowledge of H's affair and OC (even tho they happened years ago, I am sure that your emotions are very raw. We usually recommend that no one make huge life choices like divorce in a state of overwhelming emotions.<p>MJ

Boy do I feel stupid! POJA - policy of joint agreement(forgot)! Yes, my H and I have read the materials. We have gone through the questionnaires. We tried the POJA. It worked for a couple of weeks until H decided he wanted to have relationship with OC. D-Day was 11/01/01. I wanted H to put off trying to see OC (3 - 6 mos). He would not agree. I suggested instead that if he were going to try and see OC, that he limit the time spent with OW. She has done some pretty vulgar things (i.e. she taped someone having sex - maybe it was her, I don't know, but she told H. it was me trying to upset her); she posted vulgar language describing what she and H had done to one another at my residence; she emailed H (saying that it was an email from she and OC together) demanding $300 for Xmas and within this email she made vulgar references to H.<p>H's response was that I should not try and control his actions. <p>We talked about counseling. Nothing has come of it. I'll ask him about the Harley's.<p>Thanks

JD,<p>I don't have much advice I'm sorry you are going through this. I know I would not allow my H to see exOW without me being there. Why does visitation have to be done at her house? OC is old enough to come to your house and not be afraid. Why aren't you included in these visits. And why after all these years, after OC has what she thought was a father would she contact your H and tell him about OC? I don't get it talk about causing a child trauma right before she goes through her teen years. It seems like exOW still wants your H and is using OC as a pawn. It's not like she can get your H established as the legal father after all of this. You never told us did your H send the money to OC and do you and H have any children of your own. I'm sorry about all the questions I just want to understand your situation a little better. I'll look for your first post I must have missed it. No one can tell yes to end your marraige or no to keep trying you have to do what your heart tells you to do. Good luck I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<p>
Unsure<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

Hello,
I really do not have any advice. I was wondering if you can clarify some things. I must have missed.
Does OC know your H is her bio-Dad? And does the person who signed the birth certificate and pay CS know OC is not his? And why after all these years would OW contact your H?
Did OW tell OC that she was never sure who her bio-Dad was?
Is the other man that signed BC a part of OC live?
Did your H send OW money for CS? <p>Dawn

Yes. OC does know H. is her father. H and I do not have any children together. H has 3 children from a prior marriage (26, 20, and 18). The OW had another man sign the birth certificate (and he paid child support and the OC thought he was her father). This man is now in jail (another reason that I think OW wants H. to "be a father to OC) aside from the fact that she wants H. to leave me.<p>H. had first visit with OC last weekend. H. went and got OC (took her to meet his mother and his oldest daughter - the 26 year old). H, his 26 yr old daughter, and OC all went to dinner. I was not included. Prior to agreeing to allow OC to see H., OW told H. she did not want H and me "playing house" with OC! H. has talked about me meeting OC (in the future) - no specifics. This is just driving me crazy. Some days, I think we will never make it through this. Other days, I think we can. Today is not a good day!

Whoa!!! Halt!! Has paternity even been established? Has DNA been done? I would not continue any further until this is proven. This whole situation smells to high heaven...

H took paternity test in October (prior to telling me about the A or the possibility of OC). Once he found out he was the father and we agreed to work on our marriage, then he told me about the OC. Even though he is the biological father, because of state laws he has no parental rights (it has been 12 yrs. since OW had another man as the father - paying child support and OC knew him to be her father). When OW and H had A (which began in 7/01 and ended in 11/01), all of this came out.