be careful what you wish for. And ask for.<p>When I asked Steve Harley if our little 'clique' could have our own site because of our special circumstances, I never dreamed we would become such a target.<p>Over the past six months we have had a barrage of interlopers bemoaning the same old question "How can YOU respect a man who refuses to have anything to do with his own child!?!?" Then they ALWAYS summarily add, "I could never respect a man who is not a father to his child." And then the big debate begins and conversation immediately deteriorates.<p>I have thought long and hard about that tired old beaten horse and have determined that it is a preposterous question coming from people who do not merit respect themselves, as if their opinion matters to any of us anyway. Who cares if the interlopers don't respect our husbands? Who are they? They are nothing to us. They do not garner our respect or the respect of their families or friends, co-workers and acquaintances.<p>They are the problem, not our husbands, who for the most part are doing the honorable thing by staying with the marriage and the family, forsaking ALL others, as vowed, and doing the most difficult thing in the world...taking the hard road.<p>The hard road, the most difficult road is for the Wayward Spouse by facing the consequences and making right the wrongs, making amends and doing what is necessary to save the marriage. The easy way out is leaving and starting fresh with someone else or on their own. But, most here choose to do the hardest thing in the world...to fix things. Now, THAT is something to respect.<p>No one can sit in judgment of us or our choices or our spouses' choices because what happens in our lives have nothing to do with anyone else nor is their opinion of any substance to us, nor should it be. The whole reason for this site is for all injured parties with special circumstances (OC) to have a place to go to be able to say anything in the world they want, without judgment, without rancor.<p>I have the utmost respect for my husband because he chose the hard road. He stays focused on what is the most important thing in our lives and is doing what he believes he is supposed to do, what he desires to do and his willingness to make amends. <p>I respect my husband because of his renewed integrity. I respect him for his selfless involvement with our family and our own children who were so wounded by his detachment when he was "not himself".<p>He is a sinner. He is flawed. I am a sinner and I am flawed. The crazy interlopers who defy logic are sinners and are flawed, yet they are the ones who scream (laughably) the loudest about about respect. And they are the ones less worthy of respect than anyone because they are also cruel with evil intent.<p>Ladies, and Gentlemen, don't let any of these hysterical, unworthy shrieking harpies cause any of you any angst. They are nothing. They are people who crash threads with their unwelcomed opinions, in a place they do not belong.<p>This site is for individuals who are struggling with personal issues that can only be addressed here, designed just for people like us, and no one else. They have no business being here nor are they meaningful contributors seeking to help others find solutions for this terrible situation we all find ourselves in. They have no empathy, they have no charity. They have no understanding and for some reason, they think we care about what they think and that they have the same rights here as we do. Hahaha<p>Regardless what side of the fence you are on regarding 'contact', it should be of no consequence here. Whatever your choice, for whatever your reason, should be completely tolerated here without judgment from anyone.<p>This is OUR site, designed for us to address our very unique and special issues. Don't let anyone chase you away from getting the help you need, posting the truth in your heart as you see it and feel it, and do not let anyone 'scold' you for controversial statements you may make while in various stages of discovery and recovery...because we ALL say things we don't mean when faced with devastating shock. God knows this and He forgives us and understands. Why would any of us care what some goofy OP would say? They have no repect, self resepct or code of honor. The only one you have to answer to is God.<p>Never apologize, never explain...and never respond to the sadistic 'tweakers' because you are giving them what they want.
Just remember they do not belong here, they are ridiculous, they are here to hurt you and get pleasure at your pain.<p>I am without a computer/Internet most days and only log on occasionally to check in and lurk a bit so I am not up to speed on everything that is happening. I was on long enough tonight to see that things haven't changed much lately (sigh) and long for the days where we could be oursleves and really talk about these things without feeling like we were being cyber-stalked.<p>Catnip =^^=

I know catnip. I was very afraid to post here initially because of my OW/OC/CS history. However, at least I had the sense enough to realize that this is NOT a forum for The Other Woman (TOW) to receive support regarding adultery. Sometimes that's another thing that is not always understood.<p>Also when lurkers pop in and see all the raw emotions, like that accusatory one about "whining women" [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] it was so obvious that person was clueless. I'm sorry.<p>Thank you for this thread. I think crashers need to be often reminded of the purpose of this place.<p>I respect that all opinions are welcomed, and I also believe that the agenda is not to convince anyone of anything, but to offer support and share our experiences using Harley's concepts, first and foremost. At least, that's how I see it.<p>Everyone has sinned. No one has the right to judge anybody.<p>God instructs His people in different ways. What about when Jesus healed people? Sometimes He would speak to someone, sometimes He would touch them, and other times He used SPIT to get them healed. There are different ways to "get there" and we all must respect everyone's individual journey. And don't forget my favorite story of all--about the woman at her wit's end who touched the hem of Jesus' garment. He didn't even know she was trying to reach Him UNTIL she reached out and got what she needed by faith. THAT got His attention!<p>So sometimes, God will specifically instruct us and sometimes WE have to act by faith, but however we do it, IT'S PERSONAL.<p>Another thing to consider is sometimes "crashers" are new to the whole idea of posting on forums. I know I was. When I initially posted here, I didn't realize that it was cyber ettiquette to introduce yourself and tell your story FIRST. If I had known that, I would have done it!!! So it was truly a rough start for me, but I knew my motives were pure so I stuck around.<p>Everyone was all "who the heck are YOU?????" and rightly so... cuz I just jumped in on I think, Dawn71's or Tina71's? thread and said my piece! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I probably said something insensitive like why don't you just dump that OC since his OW mom is acting like such a jerk (disrespecting you, trying to control you H), etc... With no thought of her H's emotions toward OC... Oh well... Live and learn.<p>You can tell when someone is not motivated in the right way, cuz guess what?! They disappear! They don't need to be "poofed" by our Moderators, they leave themselves! OR they get a new screenname and keep playin' their silly games. Whatever... They make themselves pretty obvious is all I'm saying.<p>Okay, I'm rambling now. Thanks catnip. This needed to be said. Thank you.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Catnip,<p>It is good to see you. I try to come and read every now and then. I have fought the fight to answer to those crashers. But I know how hard it is for some to resist when all they want to do is scream at the OW, any OW. Especially in the beginning.<p>thank you for your perfect words as always. I hope things are going well for you. My h and I are doing well, and my pregnancy is chugging along. I still feel the pain of this situation, but I think sometimes after time your brain switches to a new reality that doesn't include the past all the time. It was great to hear from you. Thanks again for your words of wisdom.<p>babstr.

Catnip
This isn't YOUR sight. Everytime someone has a different perspective you accuse them of not really being a BS, not really having OC. That's bogus. Some of do not agree with you. Why let it get to you? It seems that someone is considered an outsider as soon as they offer something different. You seem very defensive to me, but i really do not wish to argue with you. I have enough problems with my marriage and OC, I am not interested in an internet debate over what I believe to be a simple black and white issue. Of you can sleep at night, then don't worry about what others think.

Catnip, GREAT POST!!<p>Thanks for taking the time to put into words.<p>t.l.

Catnip,<p>You are so right! As I said in my thread, there is no right or wrong solution, and you can't paint everyone's situations with the same brush, let alone the same paint! Everyone has a different way of dealing with things, and so their answer to the problem may be completely different than your own, but it is what is best for THEIR marriage, and THEIR lives! It doesn't mean that you have to do what they have chosen to do. But, they are offering this information to show how their answer has worked in their situation.<p>Thank you Catnip =^^=<p>Love,<p>Tigger

Catnip,<p>
Well said! <p>Do you think Emily Lang realized she just slipped up. She's only been a member for a month but she knows you and what you stand for! Hmmm....Quote by BTDT "OR they get a new screenname and keep playin' their silly games. Whatever... They make themselves pretty obvious is all I'm saying." <p>O.K. I'm sorry guys I know we shouldn't respond to crashers I normally don't but I couldn't help myself this is so obvious.<p>Unsure

Catnip,<p> Oh if only the cyber nuts could only have just a we bit of intelligence to comprehend the words before them. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Sometimes even there own words. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Very well said.
with love flowerseed

One doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to know who she is referring to. You are all too much! Why do you care so much what others think? If you are confident that what you are doing is the right thing - why bother posting this thread at all? I have lurked here long enough to know most of the stories.

EL,<p>You&#8217;re right, it doesn&#8217;t take much to figure out what is going on here. When I first read your post, I was interested in replying as an OW who&#8217;s &#8220;situation&#8221; is working out fairly well. However, after reading some of the stuff you&#8217;re slinging, it appears, in my oh so humble opinion, that you&#8217;re more interested in being inflammatory than you are in receiving any sort of support. You&#8217;re adding fuel to the fire that is always burning here and it pleases you to do so. You&#8217;re not even slightly concerned about how you&#8217;re cutting words may affect someone who is hurting. You have no regard for the certainty that YOU may be responsible for causing MORE pain with your ill-spoken words. If you are so confident, why are you responding? Could it be that you only wish to further the argument and turmoil you bore of your own thoughtlessness and inconsiderate finger-pointing. Go ahead and cast the first stone&#8230;.if you really think you have the right to do so. Otherwise, why don&#8217;t you back off and play nice?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Everyone has a different way of dealing with things, and so their answer to the problem may be completely different than your own, but it is what is best for THEIR marriage, and THEIR lives! It doesn't mean that you have to do what they have chosen to do. But, they are offering this information to show how their answer has worked in their situation <hr></blockquote><p>Tigger...that's what makes this board so special and unique. I have always been of the opinion that " I may not always agree with what you say or do, but I will defend to the death your right to say/do it if it works for you."<p>I admire the many people on this board who chose their course of action for their lives and try to do the best they can do with what was handed to them...it's a rough road to travel anyway and the negativity doesn't help an already difficult time.<p>For those who chose contact, I applaud, admire and pray for you...To those who chose no contact for whatever reason that it was deemed best for you, I applaud, admire and pray for you too, I pray for those that are in between in this nightmare of all nightmares...an infidelity is rough enough to weather...but add to the mix a permanent reminder and it stirs up all sorts of things. <p>As you so aptly put it before...there is no one set solution...only trying to do what is best for all involved. Unless we all walked a mile in each others shoes, we will never know. I do not know what it is like in y'all's shoes and none of you know my shoes either (nor my shoe size and I ain't telling! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I say, for all of us, we keep on keeping on, doing the best we can. I pray for brighter tomorrows for us. I pray for a time when we appreciate the good days and know that the bad ones don't last long and are more fewer and far between....(can y'all tell I got me some diet cokes today? ran out the other day...arrrghhhg!)<p>This has to be the most saddest of all forums I have ever been priveledged to belong to. Sad because of the common bond that we all have. But I cannot think of any other place I would rather be, than right here, knowing that y'all know where I am coming from, and I know that some of us felt the same, thought the same and even if y'all didn't, I knew I had arms that would hug me...even if it is in cyberspace!<p>I plan to be here as long as this site exists and as long as I have something to offer someone. I plan to be a blessing. I plan to be used by God to help and support....WHATEVER ONE DECIDES TO DO ABOUT THEIR OW/OC. I would never presume to judge someone because they are making the best choices they know how under their own unique set of circumstances.<p>Over the course of about four to five months, I have come to know y'all..how your posts "tone" sounds like...a little more about most of you "oldies" situations...I cannot be more blessed by ALL of you. I hope that in time, when (not IF but when) the newbies arrive...I hope to be able to help as much as I have been helped by y'all. <p>I will continue to pray for ALL of you. We should stand together as sisters, in love and support...even if we do not agree with other's choices...after all...we are the "snowflakes" of the infidelity world...the same, yet each beautifully different...but with a common bond...
(can't you tell that I don't get snow here in The hot and humid south??? sheesh!)<p>Love to y'all......
I'm done being profound for tonight...<p>Twiisty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by EmilyLang:
[QB]Catnip
This isn't YOUR sight.QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Oh, yes it is... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Mine, and Ohbratti's, and Tigger's, and Gem's, and Mary Jane's, and Heavenly's, and cd's, and Babstrs, and Twiisty's, and Julia's, and Zebra's, and Broken Wings, and Gabi's, and Flowersex's, and BTDT's, and Tinlizzy's, and Resilient's, and Bozo's Deb, and Jenny's, and Unsure's, etc, etc and etc.<p>Catnip =^^=