<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

Tina,
I will keep you in my prays. I really do not have any advice because we do not have contact as of yet.
But I do know how you feel. I will be willing to try visitation because of my H. DO I really want to be in OC live? I do not know.<p>I do think OW needs to find someone else to turn to. She sounds like she is playing on your H's emotions.<p>Dawn

Tina
I don't know how you do it. You are such a good woman to be doing all this. Your husband should understand the boundaries. She should not call or write with little things like that. Your H is doing plenty I think with the visitation. I don't have much else to say except that I am amazed by your strength. I hope your H knows how lucky he is.

Dawn and Emily,
Thanks for your thoughts and well wishes.
Strong I am not. I have chosen to handle this one alone. I am still humiliated at the prospect of this all becoming public, which obviously will have to eventually. We are a small town, and I have lived her my entire life. I am not telling my family of this situation, my parents are elderly and in poor health and live clear across the country from here, and only have one brother who I am not close to who is much older. My H siblings all know, but they have all chosen to ignore the situation. Other than that it has not yet gone public. Funny the only person that has really given me support is my H's sister. Thank goodness for SIL, she is a Godsend.<p>Tina

You have no reason to have to tell anyone - just whoever you choose to trust. I am glad you have a friend in your sister in law. Hang in there lady!

Tina,<p>Can you tell your H what you just told us without screaming I know it's hard. I agree 100% with everything you just said. We just started visitation all contact goes through email it's supervised for 3 months without exOW present. After that OC will come to our house once a week on Sundays. If exOW crossed the line and emails crap like that to my H, he better remember our POJA and set her straight! Good luck and keep praying. <p>
Unsure

Tina,
You said that the one giving you support is your H sister.
The one person given me support is my sister-in-law . She is the only one I told because I knew she would be supportive. <p>Dawn

Hi Tina,
Would your H consider changing jobs? And would he consider allowing you to answer the e-mails, if you are up to it? Sounds like OW doesn't know her place. Almost sounds like your H is married to two women!!??<p>I don't believe you should feel guilty. I'm amazed at how much you have given. I hope your H appreciates it.<p>OWs baby's sleeping problems are DEFINITELY not your problem especially while you are on vacation. I'm with you on this one. Hang in there! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

BTDT,
Thanks for support. As for switching jobs, it is a difficult decision. It's one of those things that he has worked his way up the ladder financially so high, that he could never even come close to the same salary. Also if he leaves, then OW has to leave because there is no other place in the company for her, it's a vicious cycle. So she loses her job, then she needs to try and get something at comparable salary and benefits, without having to come into work as she does now (wouldn't we all love that type of job?)<p>We are into negotiations again with her this week with respect to visitation. My H calls it damage control, she would love to have 2OC spend more time with us weekly, possibly a full day on weekend and one other evening, but I am not emotionally ready to spend an entire day with 6month old and 3 year old. We have not yet established a routine with the 3 year old yet, just getting back to visits again this month, and H visits with baby have been at daycare. <p>I just found out this weekend that she has the opportunity to take advantage of daycare for 4 days a week at 10 hours available to her at same price, plus possibly 5th day at 8 hours, and she does not take advantage of that. She whines she has no support, can't get any thing accomplished, yet she does not take advantage of what help is available to her, at the same cost. While I am not a advocate of keeping a child at daycare for that length of time daily, (professional stay at home mom here for 22 yrs.) I do feel one or two days a week would certainly help any single mom get herself organized, rested or what ever she wants to do. <p>Enough ragging on OW. Waiting patiently for H to tell me how his individual session with Therapist goes today. She is wonderful, and has no problem ripping into him. (that wasn't nice was it?)<p>Tina

Hi Tina,<p>I really like BTDT's suggestion of you answering the email that comes from exOW. It helps to establish your place in all of this.<p>We have visitation (although Precious lives 2,000 miles away so we only visit 4x year). We have phone calls a couple of times per week. Once in a while, Precious asks her mom to speak to us. exOW usually calls H on his cell phone. (I am not too thrilled about this as that was how they talked during their A and how I didn't know what was going on.) So, anyway, H's cell phone is ocasionally sitting around and caller ID will show that it is exOW. I love to pick it up and give her a surprise!<p>Even though she talks to me about once a week while I am on the phone with Precious, she is always surprised when I answer something that used to be their private communication path--his email or his phone. <p>All the best,
MJ

Tina,<p>You are in my prayers...pray that you will find something that works for all involved...<p>Praying and sending hugs your way....
Twiisty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Tina71:
<strong>...She whines she has no support, can't get any thing accomplished, yet she does not take advantage of what help is available to her, at the same cost...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm... She sounds very manipulative. She could take advantage of the opportunity to get outside help, but she just wants YOU guys to help. Well, she needs to know her place and it's probably up to you to set the boundaries since you cannot avoid daily contact through work. Be strong, I'm praying for your strength. God will help you. We'll just have to pray that OW finds a good, quality single man and falls in love and forgets about your H!! Amen!<p>I don't blame you for not being up for handling two babies all day, either... I hope you don't feel guilty about that. I don't believe you should.<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] What about this? YOU be the go-between for the pick ups and drop offs at a neutral spot (NOT YOUR HOME!), while your H spends the time with the kids. You can go to the spa all day and come back when it's time for OCs to leave????? OR you can go get a facial, manicure & pedicure or go shopping until time for OCs to leave??? Or take your kids to do something fun? <p>Maybe you could establish this routine for those evenings to have dinner with the girls or treat yourself to a movie that you have been wanting to see while your H visits with his OCs. Then on the weekend day, get some fresh air. You need more TIME to work this into your life. Like you said, you have been hit with this ton of bricks while your H has known all along.<p>I wouldn't call that cruel. I would call it YOUR "damage control" days, a win-win situation for all. Your marriage is protected for at least ONE day after the workweek of daily contact... H gets to see his OCs while you get some pampering & time out for you??? Would that work? At least it would take the "edge" off of OW/OC visitation.<p>At least you would be all relaxed and calm and feeling beautiful when you got back to deal with OW picking up her kids (at that neutral spot)...<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

BTDT,
I think I will take your suggestions on easing into this situation. I have wanted to see the movie I am Sam, might just have to do that this weekend. Hope H remembers how to change diapers, its been 20 years.<p>I did tell H that right now my role in these childrens life would be to make our home a safe, and comfortable haven to bring the children into. I have been involved with visits with the 3 1/2 yr old, and seems to be going smoothly until a wrench gets thrown into the schedule. For some reason I am hesitant to get involved with the baby. I told my H that maybe it is because seeing a child so young brings into the light that the A had been going for such a long period of time, 3 1/2 yr. old child to a 7month old child. I can't pretend that it was an Opps one night stand 4 years ago. <p>MJ, I do have to start getting into the habit of answering the emails. Sometimes I don't trust myself to keep my answers to a mature adult no confrontational reply, so I just don't email back. Need to work on that. <p>Twiisty, thanks for your prayers. I need all the outside help I can get. Hugs are especially appreciated.<p>Tina

Tina,<p>It's really important that you get the point across to OW. You and H are a team. You make decisions together and you support each other 100%. If she sees a chink in your armor, she will zero in and play it for all it's worth. If you become the point of contact on all communication, then you take away her assumption that she can further entice or coerce your H behind the veil of secrecy. You need to take away her power. If you feel you cannot keep your e-mail responses sterile and to the point, try typing them out and saving them for later reading. Usually the second time around you can do some much needed editing and it's not as disturbing. Responding to her e-mails is not something that must be done immediately.<p>As for the day to day parenting stuff i.e. sleepless nights, sniffles, etc., I'm sorry but that was what she chose for herself when she had OC. She knew she was going to be a single parent. This is not her first child and she knows the routine. It's my opinion that she's just making those "guilt calls" to gain some sympathy from H. I'm sure she knows that H is not going to come running over in the middle of the night to care for OC so that she can sleep. Again, she knew what she was getting herself into when she had the baby. It's too late to whine about it now. She needs to suck it up and deal with it...for her sake as well as the child's. She doesn't have time or room in her life for these pity parties. It wouldn't hurt to remind her of the place SHE put herself in and let her know the boundaries. It's all about facing the consequences of her actions. Ya' can't cheat the devil....isn't that what they say?<p>OB1

OB1,
I only have a second, but you are my hero for today. You said everything I have been saying for months. Bless you. <p>Tina

OB1 is soooo right! I did all of those things to make sure exow knew how things were going to be. <p>However, now she refuses to let h see oc after being involved for 10 months! And...it is because h wont come over or call every time oc has the sniffles or exow is feeling a little overwhelmed. She, I guess, now realizes that h and I will be together forever...or at least through this mess and she is pissed.<p>Just be careful. Unfortunately, you need to be prepared that ow could change her mind and start to use oc as pawns to meet her needs. Good luck!<p>I will be praying for your situation. I would like to see someone's visitation work out for the best interest of the oc. But these ow can be very selfish.