This was posted on the other board dealing with Pregnancy/OC issues by a BW. Check it out:
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Anytime an ow is questioned about her responsibility in an affair the answer is always the same....it was not my responsibility, it was ALL MM's choice.
However, when it comes to contact / no contact of oc its always... MM will not see the child because the W will not let him.
Is it so hard for you to believe that in most cases the wife is not the one making this decision? Just like it was his choice to have an affair it is now his choice on how to handle the consequences of that affair. He may tell you it is her fault, but I promise you the choice is all his.
In my case, I have never offered my opinion one way or the other. I have told him I would support whatever choice he made from custody to no contact. HE , not me, not us, but HE, chose no contact. I am sure xow is *****ing and crying to all her friends and family about how the bad old wife will not let him see his child. But the fact is he doesn't want to see it. He has never seen it.
So my question is, why do you not hold yourself responsible for the decision to have an affair but hold the wife responsible for the decision of no contact? You all are always saying the wife needs to start placing blame on the MM where it belongs and stop blaming the ow. But all of you refuse to do it too. You place all the blame on the wife and none on the MM.
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Seems peaceful enough, and was responded to thoughtfully by some, but then the thread turned into a flame-fest because she used the pronoun "it" to refer to the OC. The flamers focused on that and of course, reverted to blaming us bytch wives for the no-contact stance that appears to be the most prevalant stance taken by the Hs. <p>I don't know about you other BS whose H's choose no-contact, but I for one bristle at the popular sentiment that we force our H's to stay away from the OC, when it is usually durn well their unilateral choice, as was the affair. As someone said before, everyone gives us too much credit...if we could control our H's, there would have been no infidelity in the first place.<p>Opinions, anyone?
Goodandplenty, formerly Pollypurebred

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

Whatif...I didn't even mention the board by name, nor was there even one word that could be construed as inflammatory in my post. I have never posted there, nor wish to invade their space by doing so. The post I pulled out was by a BW...I deliberately did not to pull the replies of OW, as not to inflame. There are MUCH more volatile posts on that board (on both sides) that I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole, and in fact, I cringe while reading them because it is a violaton of their safe haven. Copying one PEACEFUL post (from a BW) which I found helpful as it solidified some abstract thoughts I had regarding the issue, and therefore thought it might help others reeling from the cycle of self-loathing, guilt, and blame, is NOT the same as slinging mud or pointing fingers. <p>My point was to highlight an issue many of us BW face, the fact that OW and society routinely see us as the bad guys in the no-contact issue, while in fact, the ultimate choice lies with the men. <p>Valued members of this forum have left because of angry debates, name calling, and accusations by unkind posters who were spoiling for a fight, anyway. Those inflammatory posters are going to post regardless, even if we had a thread entitled, "How is the weather?"
There is no reason to withhold valuable viewpoints because of a few mean spirited people. In doing so, the forum becomes controlled by the vocal minority.<p>Goodandplenty, formerly Pollypurebred***First posted here in May 2000 at the inception of the Pregnancy/Child Forum.

Good and Plenty,<p>I have to admit that it was a very thought provoking post. One that shows how much this BW truely loves her H. To be willing to support WHATEVER he chose in regards to the OC! Unfortunately, the OW will never see it that way, no matter how peacefully it was stated! They are worse than mother tigers with their cubs! I know I would be the same if I thought someone was threatening my children in any way. These OW see the BW as a threat, and therefore, cling to what they think they deserve, never giving thought to those who were there first! (ie: W and children of the marriage!) They see their child as THE most important in all this mess. As my H stated in a reply to Pops, the OC is the most innocent, but I want to add to that the children of the marriage are as well. All the children are made to suffer in situations such as these, and I don't see the courts taking that into account anytime soon! They are all for the child of the single parent, not those who were there first, and therefore, they are also the major loosers here! I think that you are correct in not posting on the TOW boards, as that is their safe haven, I just wish that those who wish to cause us here pain would be as considerate, as well as those who are from our side of the situation posting over there. There are very few and it is far between who agree that the marriage should come first, and all who are involved with that marriage, ie: W/H and children! Yes, for those who may be lurking and want to flame this reply, the OC was created my MM, but what of the children from the marriage, and the years put into the life that is now being destroyed?!?!?! Most, if not all, of the OC's here were created from a relationship that lasted less than a year, and many were one night stands! Tell me how that compares to years of being MARRIED, planning the family, and just being together? Which scinerio(sp) has the most invested in it?<p>Just my $.02
Tigger<p>P. S. Whatif? I don't remember Pollypurebred too clearly, but Catnip is close with her, and she, like Mrs. Job had to change her screen name after the new boards were up, so she is not a crasher. Yes, our tensions are very high right now, but her being here is completely legit.

I am sorry if it came off as harsh, i wouldn't want to do that. I have not been posting lately because of all the crashers. I just reread and sorry if I hurt someone's feelings.

GAP,<p>I see what you mean no matter what they still feel as if it's the wife fault for the most part. And they didn't focus on anything in the post except the term it. I happen to agree with the post we couldn't stop our H's from sneaking and screwing them but we can stop them for sneaking and being a parent if they wanted too. I think not. They made the decsion to stop the affair or lose the most important thing in the world to them us. And if they choose no contact we support them 100%. We do what's best for our marriage! One OW actually said, "what are they afraid for their H's to be around someone they used to have sex with!" Hello!! what are you thinking! I wanted to post a reply but I didn't I knew it wouldn't be worth my time. These woman just don't get it and never will. <p>Unsure

I think if the ow were honest with themselves they would find that no contact is not the true problem.
I think that during their entire relationship with MM they always played second fiddle to the wife and marriage. It has to be degrading. She probably felt that by having his child that would make her his wife's equal in his eyes. But guess what ? It didn't. She is still playing second fiddle. The anger is not with the wife but with the wife's position in MM's life. A position that no matter how hard she tried OW could not take.
And as far as responses to that post. I have noticed that no matter how nice a BS tries to be the ow always come back with the MM got me pregnant and now his wife will not let him see his child. No debate because they cannot justify their position.<p>Jtigger

this is exactly how the OW in my life thought. It was a one night stand, and I didn't find out until the child was 2 yr old. But the only reason she filed papers was because she thought that I must be the reason he wasn't seeing the Oc. <p>I personally told her, if he cheated don't you think he could have easily seen the oc if he had wanted to. Whether I knew or not? at that moment she finally got it. He hadn't seen the oc ever because he didn't want to. But until then she swore it had to do something with me. Pretty funny huh. Gee, like I would have gave him permission to cheat.<p>babstr.

babstr,
Well at least your ow was bright enough to finally figure it out.
I guess ow live in a world of delusion to make their lives easier. It has to be better to think the bad old wife will not let MM see the child rather than face the fact that he finds his legtimate family much more important.<p>Jtigger

Jtigger,<p>I can confirm that thought. Speaking as the OW, nothing would hurt me more than to know that my son&#8217;s own flesh and blood would reject him. To me he is so precious and sweet. The thought of anybody not falling in love with him like I have is unimaginable. To me, he is perfect. It&#8217;s a mother&#8217;s love. I concede that if someone found him imperfect or not as loveable as I do, I would think there was something wrong with them or someone was making them think these awful things. The W is the perfect fall guy. I don&#8217;t know if the delusion makes it easier, but it helps make it more acceptable if there was someone to blame for the MM choosing to keep OC out of their life. By denying the OC, MM is truly and irrevocably rejecting the OW. <p>Just my 2 cents.<p>OB1