Hello, it's been awhile since I have posted. Now that I decided to post there is alot of controversy and I am a bit worry to post. <p>But here I go:<p>My D-day was Oct 2000. Oc was created. We have been recovering since and it had it ups and downs. Lately he is very attentive and I know he has change for the better and has change because it was what he wanted and chose. <p>We had decided on no contact with OC for now and child support just started Feb 1, 2002. I know that in January 15th he called OW to see where her head was because he was going to see if she would agree to remove case from courts and do it on their own as far as the cs issue. At first when he told me I was upset but it turn quickly into saddness. I explained my views since he said that she said that if would have only call to see how the OC or even ask about her she would not have gone to court. But since he hasnt she cannot trust to do something out of court. He would have to like prove himself to her. Well you know I thought another trick to get him into her life. controlling my h. Well the day he told me I just listened. The next day I call his voicemail and left a message as follows: I know you do not want the government over your head about this cs. (My H is a bit controlling especially when it comes to finances). But what is your options. Having OW over your head. She is also an OC with alot of baggage from her own situation. You would have to make up for her father not being in her life and on top of that you would have to put into the OC. I told him that because of her background nothing would satisfy her and would he want her with the threat of going back to court. which wouldnot be in his best interest as far as paying more cs. The threat of her telling everyone about this situation, she works at the phone company and thats how she informed his parents. Or just deal with just seeing the amount out of your checks. I told him I want to just put the past just there in the past. I know maybe at some point he may have interest to know how oc is doing or maybe see oc. Or it may be a day when oc comes looking for him, but until then I just want the past in the past. stop dealing with this issue for now since it has been settle by court. And just concentrate on us.<p>The next day I was in the kitchen, we had not talked about my message and he says thanks for the message and your right about ow and her baggage. Then I said to if you do this hit and miss visits, like someone else said now that the oc has a somewhat father coming to visit then it will be why she cant meet the rest of the family isnt she good enough. I think you either be in the oc life entirely or not. I dont believe in half stepping because that doesnt do any good to oc either. Issue Of I am not good enough to be part of the whole family. It not better but not being in oc life at all is consistent there are doubts but explainable ones. As unfortunately the situation between you mother and I was not intend to have a child and she knew that and she made the decision on her own. I had an responsibility to my family even though I failed as a husband for being an adulterer but I kept my vow in the eyes of god to devote myself to my family I vowed for and now your mother has to stick to her vows to you between her and god. <p>It seems sad in both situation but I think when this decision in made it should be nothing but and constant kept decision. <p>But I guess I still have worries of what he will do. I would support him anyway and he always tels me I will be part of all decision as far as the oc goes. But my little demon of doubt/worry seem to be a nagging one. I still wonder he had this secret for almost two years behind my back, what if he can do this again. Are any of you that have been in recovery or working at it still have these demons floating around? It seems to be a demon in demand. <p>Thanks for your thoughts.
Simplysad

First, let me say I am sorry for your situation as I find myself in the same situation. My h and I are in counseling but he can't seem to make a decision about the role he will play in the oc life. Oh I might add he can't even decide whether to have paternity test to make sure oc is his. However, he pays ow money here and there. Just like you, I know she wants him in her life or she would have taken him to court a long time ago.
While in counseling the other night, my h admitted that he is very confused and afraid about the whole situation. He says he wants our marriage to work, but he doesn't know if he can be the man he is supposed to be. He admitted that he fears he may be a serial cheater and that although he hasn't done anything, he wants some sure fire guarantee that he wont. I simply replied how about a little old fashinoned control and I know this seems sarcastic, but I mean we are adults. I am so confused sometimes because one minute I want nothing but my marriage to work and the next I am thinking about jumping ship because this all seems to be too much..... Just wanted to let you know you are not alone....