Originally posted by hv:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I have been married for 13 yrs and its been HELL! My husband will not leave his mother/father or brothers its gotten to the point that he will exclude me from all family gatherings and anything that has to deal with the family. He's at times running out of the house to meet his family secretly,and at times going with our children to thier parties,gatherings etc.. and if theres any family emergencies I am not included or told as to the emergency. I have asked my husband as to why he does this and his answer is "you dont have to know every single detail as to what I do or what my family does" what should I do? I already sat down with him and talked about it but, he still excludes me from his life and family. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't have to know every single detail about what his family does, but you do need to know what he does, and what your children do. Maybe you need to make it clear that you aren't talking about his family, you are talking about him.
Can you start a family calendar and encourage him to write down in advance when he has plans, if the children are involved, when he expects to be home, and you do the same? Don't make it be about his family, but more like, "As the kids get older, they have plans, we have plans, and this will help keep it straight who is doing what when, so we don't have conflicts and we can make sure to schedule family time for the four of us (five? six?)"
For this to work, you need to make it comfortable for him to tell you when he does have plans with his family, so he doesn't think he needs to keep it secret. You also need to make it clear that the problem is not his family, it is him excluding you from important parts of his life, so that he can see that meeting them in secret won't solve the problem, anymore than meeting a mistress in secret would solve
that problem, if that were the problem.
It also helps to talk in terms of what you would like to do with him, not in terms of what you don't want him doing. "I'd like it if we could see a movie together one night this week and spend some time cleaning the garage" doesn't sound like an attack, but "You spend all your time with your family and none with me" does.
Also, if you invite his family to your home, that will insure they have to include you.
<small>[ February 20, 2004, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: elspeth ]</small>
