Help! I had an affair. I got pregnant. An early DNA test at 11 weeks gestation confirmed my lover as the baby's biological father. I told my husband immideately. We had not been able to have kids and he was anxious to forgive me, keep the child and raise her as his own. My lover wanted me to abort the baby. He is young and both his religon and family would not be willing to accept her. But after years of infertility and at the age of 40, I was unwilling to have an abortion. My lover does not want to be the baby's father, he doesn't want anyone to know she is his, but he does want to be a part of my life and the baby's life. My husband wants him out, conseding that maybe in a year or two maybe he will consider letting him see the child. Still, her bio-Dad keeps trying to see us. I believe he has a right to see her, and it's better to work it out now so he doesn't show up in her life later and confuse her. I don't want to deprieve my daughter of the love he may be able to give her. I feel very strongly that if we have clearly defind roles -- my husband as her father, the sperm donor as her uncle, let's say -- we can make this work for her benefit. I am willing to let him enjoy her without acknowledging her, but I wonder what is good for her. What do we tell her? I don't want to lie to her. I want my husband and her biological father to work it all out before she's of a conscious age, so everyone is comfortable. Everything I read says I need to break off completely with my lover to save my marriage, but nothing tells you what to do if there is a child and two good men willing to participate in that child's life. I have to admit that I am still in love with him and he says he is still in love with me, and that's a problem even though he has become more serious with another married girlfriend since my daughter was born in November. Yes, I know, the fact that he's had 2 affairs with 2 married women at the same time doesn't speak well for him, but he's still her biological father and I feel attatched to him because he gave me the gift of life. Help me to do what's right for my daughter now, while she's still an infant.

It is my opinion that you should cease all contact with your ex-lover. You obviously still have feelings for each other. It would not be fair to your husband.<p>It seems that most people on this board have their spouse be the go-between when oc is involved. <p>I feel that you should do whatever your husband wants to do regarding his family. What a guy....willing to forgive you and raise someone else's child as his own.<p>God gave you the gift of life, maybe you could become more attached to Him!<p>Let's see....this guy does not want to be the baby's father, does not want anyone to know, but wants to see you. You and the baby. That's out. He can't see you anymore. I can see that he wants nothing to do with committment since he's only messing around with married women. This is a no-brainer. I hope that you make the right choice this time.<p>tinlizzy

bljo,<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> My lover wanted me to abort the baby. He is young and both his religon and family would not be willing to accept her.<hr></blockquote><p>Next you say he is having another affair with a married woman.<p>I have a few questions to ask you. What religion does your H belong to??? I know of none that would accept this type of behavior. You already have your answer right there in your statement.<p>Your child would be much better served being away from a family that cannot accept her. Further, you state his religion wouldn't accept her. You are indeed lying to yourself and your H.<p>This isn't about what is best for the baby. It is about wanting your cake and eat it too. Your H to provide the financial support and the OM to run around with and continue the affair.<p>If your baby is your top concern, then go with the man that is willing (although I don't know why) to raise that child and support you while being faithful to you. Otherwise, leave your H and raise this child on your own. THe OM is not father material and you know it.<p>I do hope that some of the men that have been in your H's shoes reply. I have not. But I will tell you that you need to remove yourself from all contact with OM. If he sues for visitation, then he should be paying child support and deal with your H. But, since his family won't accept the child I don't see what he is going to do in terms of taking care of it. If I were your H he would never set foot in MY house.<p>Please do some reading on this site about rebuilding your marriage. You must do some serious thinking about this or you may yet lose your H. Then you will be in a real mess because I doubt that OM will stand by you.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Hello bljo,<p>Welcome to MB.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My lover wanted me to abort the baby. He is young and both his religon and family would not be willing to accept her. <hr></blockquote><p>Please clarify something. You are in love with a man whose religion will allow him to kill his unborn child, but not allow him to publically acknowledge her as a living child? And you want this man who would rather kill his daughter than acknowledge her to play a role in her life?<p>You have a H who is fully willing to love this little girl as his own and be her Daddy, yet you want this OM as an "uncle" role model for her while your H loves her as his daughter for all the world to know?<p>IMVHO, if the OM will legally assume the responsibility for his daughter, he has a right to be part of her life. If he hides behind his uncle role and is so immature or misguided that he will not be a real man - a real dad for her, he has given up his right to be in her life. Are you sure that you do not want OM in D's life for YOU?<p>Is your H the legal father? Is his name on the birth certificate as her legal dad? If so, he IS her dad unless OM legally claims paternity. <p>Your OM has not rights if he does not assume responsibility. Do you still see him? If you do, you are doing your H a great disservice. Have you read the material on the main MB web site? If you have not, it is a great source of support to strengthen your M. That is what we do here at MB, build marriages. I do not see how having an irresponsible nondad bio-father around your D will help her when she already has a loving father in your H.<p>As far as confusing her later on, it won't, if you tell her the truth. Your bio-dad did not want to be your father, but your Daddy was eager to be your REAL father.<p>You call your OM a good man. His behavior says otherwise. Say goodby to this immoral man, and work on building a strong, stable M for your little girl to grow up in. People here will be happy to help you do this.<p>Estes

bljo,<p>Well, where to start....<p>First off, I, too, had a child as a result of an A. My H is, and always will be her Daddy. He chose to stay by my side, and help me in raising this child. He accepts her as his own, and loves her as much as our other 2 children. If your H is willing to do this with your D, then you are one of the luckiest women on this board! To have someone love you so selflessly! I know that I am just as lucky.<p>Now, for the OM. We never even told the xOM in our situation about the pregnancy, and never want him to know. Abbi will know that my H is not her "bio-dad", but what is important is who can provide the best home, and loving environment for her. From your description of your OM, I have to ask you: "WHAT THE HE!! ARE YOU THINKING TO HAVE HIM INVOLVED WITH YOUR D???????" Sorry for the strong words, but do you really feel he is such a good man if he is continuing a relationship with you, AND is starting yet another relationship with yet ANOTHER MW?!?!?!?!?! If he truely wants to be involved, have a court set it up with CS and visitation! No more of this fence sitting! Either you want to stay married to a man who is loving and willing to accept you and your D, or you want to throw it all away for a man who obviously has no regard for marriage? If you choose to stay with your H, cut all contact NOW with OM! Get out of your fog, and choose which side of the fence you want to be on! <p>I feel that I do have a right to be this "forceful" with you, as I was in your position during my A, but I woke up and smelled the smoke of the marriage that I had almost completely destroyed! If this OM wanted you to abort, but now wants to be involved on an uncle level, he's not worth the .............. Sorry, I just can't write that here, but I think you can fill in your own phrase there! You and your H need to READ and decide if you're marriage is repairable.<p>Sorry, I will get off this high horse now.<p>Tigger

OOPS Double post!<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</p>

Bljo listen to tigger4jdt.<p>She is absolutely right on everything she said to you on your situation.<p>Joe.

let me start at the bottom of your post and work back. you love this man and he still loves you. YEAH RIGHT! you don't love him you are merely in lust with him probably because the freshness of your marriage has grown old. you just (for some unknown reason) think that true love is now found in a diferent pair of levis. and your "lover" has no more love for you then a brick. he is using you for sex and that is all. if this man (and i am using the term man very lightly because i think the term should be snake) truly loved you he would not be sleeping around with yet another married woman. this guy has no respect for you or any other woman as he cares not who he hurts. i am not even talking about a betrayed husband who is at home trusting his wife. but instead of the children whose lives may be turned upside down because this clown has a need to irresponsibly spread his seed thinking that the one more notch on his belt makes him a bigger man. WRONG. my opinion of what should be done to him is surgicaly remove his unit in a dark alley somewhere. let me move on to another part of your post as i may break my key board typing on this subject.<p>you have a husband that is willing to accept your child and raise him as his own. lady you have been blessed twice from God and you don't even know it. open your dam# eyes. i am living in your h's shoes i can tell you that he is one he!! of a MAN. he is willing to forgive you for your infidelity and stand beside you. what do you want from him. you said you were 40. why don't you start acting like it instead of a 14 year old school girl. <p>my wife had an affair after 21 years of marriage and had her daughter dec. 20,2001. together her and i have six children ages 20 - 6 and 2 grandchildren with 2 more on the way. in addition i have 1 son (27) from before i met her. i love kids. yet i am having a very difficult time staying in my marriage as this innocent child tends to be a constant reminder to me of her 2 times with this other jerk. he told her the same thing that your "lover" told you that he had already found another married woman to be involved with. hey, flash, do you reside in southern california? this is a serious question. this could be the same t#%d.
wouldn't that be a small world?<p>if you honestly love your husband leave this guy as far behind as you can. anything else will most certainly end your marriage. if your marriage doen't mean that much to you then be decent enough to leave your husband so he may start his life over and hopefully find a decent woman to stand by his side and grow old with.<p>to all those on this board i appoligize for speaking so strongly and for my aggressive and attacking attitude on this. it just struck a very tender nerve with me.<p>
the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it.

Hi bljo,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. I can understand your reasons for wanting to keep your baby, albeit the horrible circumstances in which she was conceived. She is loved and wanted by you and it sounds like your H is willing to be a daddy to her and that is HUGE.<p>I agree with the others that OM hanging around would be a problem and if he does, then he should pay child support.<p>I also agree that your daughter is entitled to the truth should OM remain in her life.<p>I think you should also remind OM of his initial rejection of the baby and the rejection coming from his family and how that is unhealthy for your daughter.<p>IF the OM insists on being involved with his child, then what Dr.Harley recommends is that your H be the go-between when it comes to contact: visitation, phone calls, e-mails, etc. and NOT you. Don't need to explain why, I'm sure.<p>Here is a helpful column for you to read. Good luck!<p>What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant with Your Lover's Child

Thank you Espoir & BINthereBUNthat for answering my question directly and honestly with some very thoughtful points and parctical ideas. <p>As for everyone else, thank you for helping me focus. I get it, I shouldn't see OM ever -- no kidding! BUT THERE'S A CHILD!!!! It's clear that everyone thinks he's a jerk and we should refuse to allow him near her. But is that practical? OM doesn't want to be her Daddy. He acknowledges H as her Daddy. He is trying to do the right thing as best as ***HE*** can (no judgements here, the operative word is "HE"). H and I are afraid if we we don't work it out, he'll make trouble later. Look, I made a big mistake, but my daughter isn't a mistake and if I have the opportunity now to prevent future problems, shouldn't I take it?<p>There's a woman out there with a 2-year old and an ex-OM threatening to cause trouble. WE DON'T WANT THAT TO BE US!!! I say "we" because H and I have been working through this since I was 3-months pregnant (that's when I got the DNA results and our lawyers opinion -- you see, I'm very serious about this). Remember the Rule of Radical Honesty -- by admitting I still have feelings for OM I'm playing by the rule, aren't I? <p>I want whatever decision to be as "comfortable" for all three adults as possible because I don't want my daughter to ever sense a problem between us. My feelings, OM's feelings are irrelevant in this matter as long as we don't act on them -- in time I hope and pray they disappear altogether. <p>For those of you with legal questions, H is the legal father in most states because he's always assumed to be the father. The only person who can change that is H if he should decide to reject her one day. OM can go to court for visitation rights, but technically, he has no rights. But why go to court if you can work it out now??? <p>As for monetary support, why does everyone seem to think that proves your a responsable parent? I know a lot of parents with money who are never around and don't provide emotional support for their children. It's not about money. H & I DON'T WANT MONEY! OM WOULD GIVE IT TO US IF WE ASKED FOR IT, BUT WE DON'T WANT IT!!!!! Don't blame OM for something that was our decision.<p>I want to thank everyone again for their responses -- I think you've helped me to focus. The biological father will play some role. What I want to know from others in this situation is how they worked it out. What role did he play? What did they tell the child?<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: bljo ]</p>

bljo,<p>I'm sorry, but you are either in a fog that is thicker than pea soup, or you are just thinking of yourself! I noticed in this reply to our responses that you don't even mention your H or your marriage! Yes, you do mention you H, but in referance to the OM and what he thinks of your H! I don't feel that I had any comments about your feelings about OM, but on how he reacted to your pregnancy, and now towards the baby! You need to truely examine your motives for this whole situation! Do you really want to stay married to your H, or is he just a security net, as the OM's family, religon, whatever, would reject him for what he has done?!?!?!?! It seems you are saying one thing in your first post, and now saying another! Where does your H and his feelings fit in to all this, from your new post he isn't even involved! You can't have it both ways, either OM is involved, and is known as the bio-father, or he is not! This uncle cr@p is just that! <p>Im your OM wants to "make things right" then he would get out of the picture, if you truely want to remain married to your H! If OM is afraid of what his family, religon, etc.... think of his actions, why is he with another MW???? Who cares if she's filed for divorce. Until the papers are signed, and filed with the court, she is still married!!!!! He obviously is taking you for a ride, if you can believe that he is such a paragon of a man! <p>You need to take a complete step back from this whole situation. Look at it with clear eyes, and then decide what you want to do! Stop dragging your H through this #$%^, get off the fence, and make your own decision! Personally, from all the descriptions of your OM, regardless of your "thumbnail" comment, I wouldn't feel any sympathy for him. He is and always will be a liar! He is hiding this stuff from his family, and church, and you still think he is so great! WAKE UP!!!!!! Make your decision, and get on with your life! This child will grow up happy if she is shown the love that she deserves! Many children who are adopted grow up happy, not even knowing their bio parents, ever! It happens, things can work out for the child, but not if you sit on top of the fence! Waffling back and forth is what is going to hurt your D in the long run. Make a decision and stick to it!<p>Sorry, I just don't see why someone who wants to keep this child from his family or church for fear of dis-ownership, should have his mother be the caregiver! That's tantamount to stabbing her in the back!<p>
JMHO<p>Tigger

your trying to paint a complete picture is like trowing the whole paint tray at the canvas. what a mess you are discribing. why don't you first try and figure out what you want by answering a few questions. do you want either a full, healthy, and complete relationship with your husband or a lying, sneaking, and deceitful relationship? is your husband willing to stay married to you and except raising someone else's child and still at the same time allow you to carry on an affair with this om? if not are you willing to give up your marriage or the other man? does your om want to marry you in the event your present marriage fails? it sounds to me that you are not fully committed to making the sacrifices needed to preserve a marriage at this time. <p>"what is best psychologically for my child?" hummmm, how about the truth instead of a life of lies? this should be self explanitory. TRY HONESTY. i know this may sound difficult to you but believe me it can't hurt. it is also a sign of respect for your husband which is most likely something you should try ad show him right now.<p>"sounds like a jerk (and maybe he is)" HE IS. this man does not want to be responsible. he wants to USE his mother for daycare to save himself from the financial burden of paying for 1/2 day care. he wants to lie to his own mother for fear she will disown him. isn't he disowning HIS OWN DAUGHTER by lying to her about her heritage? what hipocracy!!<p>"his religous community will disown him too. they don't approve of blah, blah, blah." MORE HIPOCRACY. he has already had an affair, had a relationship outside his religion, tried to talk you into an abortion, and created a child from his affair. have you ever herd the term naive? if so, take a good long look in the mirror. this dude has broken some of the most moralistic values of not only his religion but most religions and he wants you to believe that he is worried about salvation? where is his God? off on a lunch break. his God already knows of his sins. lying to an innocent child is not the repentence needed to gain access to any eternal life i have ever heard of. REALLY!! BY the way i am just plain curious what the name of his religion is? i have to say that this man (and i use the term man very lightly) is a coward. he would rather lie to a child then admit his mistakes to his peers. supposidly the ones who love him most. isn't he affraid that if he gets caught lying that his religous leaders will just cut off his lips instead of offering him forgiveness? man what a line of crap.<p>the om is smarter then you are giving him credit for. he IS trying to be irresposible by allowing your husband to assume all resposibilities for his mistakes including emotional, educational and financial. the only thing he is sick about is he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.<p>so now i understand why you believe him when he tells you the other married woman is trying to get divorced. he is lying to you about this along with all the other crap. i wouldn't trust this om as far as i could throw an elephant. sorry just the new skeptical me.<p>would it be possible that you and your husband couldn't afford artificial insemination so he permitted you to go out and get pregnant by another man? now the 3 of you are trying to figure out how to explain all this as your om wants to be involved somehow in his childs life.

Dear Bljo,
I am think it is good that you are thinking about what is best for your daughter. This is my opinion.
Research has shown that children do best raised in intact homes, with two loving parents who set a good role model for their children. Children do best in environments where there is stability, consistency, attention and caring. In being a role model for your child, it is important not to lie. Lies damage a child because if you can't trust your mother to be truthful to you then who can you trust in life?
#1 BEING AN HONEST MOTHER
Based on the above, if the OM were to be involved in your daughter's life, you would have to be truthful with your daughter about who he is. Meaning he is her biological father. I think your daughter would realize at some point that he is not her "uncle". If the OM wants to acknowledge paternity, you could set a visitation schedule with him and of course he would contribute child support in raising his daughter.
You would also need to be truthful with your daughter acknowledging that the OM's mother is her biological grandmother. It's also not fair to lie to OM's mother. Wouldn't she be wondering why she is babysitting this child all of a sudden? Is it fair to allow them to have a babysitter relationship when they are actually blood relatives? If the OM's mother would not accept her biological grandchild and love her no matter how she was conceived, then I think she is not a good person for your daughter to be involved with.
#2 A STABLE LOVING HOME
Next you must decide who can best provide your daughter with a stable loving two parent home. It seems to me that your H has made a commitment to being a father to this child and to working on the marriage with you despite what happened. I think that if you continue contact with the OM under the false pretenses that he is your daughter's "uncle" that you will hurt your husband and jeopardize your marriage with him putting your daughter in the situation of being raised by a single mother. So if there is court ordered visitation and child support with the OM it should be handled through your husband.
Re: honesty. If your husband's name is on the birth certificate then you are not lying to your daughter in saying that he is her father. He is truly her (adoptive) father if he is committed to raising her. When your daughter gets older and learns about eggs and sperm, if she ever queried as to whether your H was her biological father you would need to tell her the truth at that time. Most likely by that time she would be old enough to decide on her own whether she wanted to pursue a relationship with her biological father or not.
#3 THE PRACTICALITIES
I think this "uncle" idea is untenable. Try to really imagine how it would work. Let's say your daughter is three. "Uncle" arrives to take her to McDonald's. She is playing with your husband and says I want to stay with daddy. I don't want to go! What do you do?
OR Your daughter senses the tension between Daddy and "Uncle". She asks you, Why doesn't Daddy like Uncle? What do you tell her?
OR Your daughter decides she doesn't like OM's mother (actually bio grandmother). She tells you, I don't like my babysitter. I don't want to go back there! Or what if you object to OM's mother's childraising practices? How will you handle it?
OR OM arrives to pick up daughter. You and your husband have jointly decided to restrict her intake of sweets and not to spoil her with toys. OM brings your daughter back and "Uncle" has allowed her to gorge on chocolates and Coke plus bought her 5 toys. Maybe Daughter even says, I like Uncle better than Daddy, he lets me have anything I want! How do you handle it?
#4 RE: SPERM DONORS
Most children don't care about biology, they care about who loves them, pays attention, reads them stories, kisses their boo-boos and tuck them in at night. I think many children conceived by sperm donation due to paternal infertility, who have loving adoptive fathers would not be so interested in finding their biological fathers. I think the children who are being raised by single mothers/lesbian couples who used sperm donation would be more interested in this because they don't have any type of father figure.
#5 MAKING CHOICES
You are faced with some difficult decisions. I think the most important thing is to make choices where you can say to your daughter- I made this choice, and I did it with your best interest in my heart. You must choose in a way where your daughter can be proud of you and your actions.

Bljo,<p>This is from my original post to you. If you remember, I have been through the pregnancy and birth, with the main difference being xOM never knew about the pregnancy, and as far as we know doesn't know about Abbi.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tigger4jdt:
<strong>bljo,<p>Now, for the OM. We never even told the xOM in our situation about the pregnancy, and never want him to know. Abbi will know that my H is not her "bio-dad", but what is important is who can provide the best home, and loving environment for her. <p>So, yes, we will let Abbi know about how she came to be our wonderful child, but it will be up to her, when she is adult, if she wants to know xOM. That's what's best for her.<p> do you really feel he is such a good man if he is continuing a relationship with you, AND is starting yet another relationship with yet ANOTHER MW?!?!?!?!?! <p>I still have a hard time with this one! You keep saying over and over again how wonderful this guy is, but the evidence is so stacked against him. In the post that you posted over, you say that this second MW has been involved with him for over a year, and is just now filing divorce papers! In the next sentence, you justify that by saying that "He told her about me" making it seem that as long as he told HER the truth, everything is ok. Where is that OK? He is having an A with you, granted it's no longer physical, but emotional is just as hard, if not harder, and is continuing his A with this other MW! You are using your D as an excuse to keep tied to this OM! That is why I say to get off the fence!<p>
If he truely wants to be involved, have a court set it up with CS and visitation! <p>This way, you are showing your H who you truely want to be with. You are supporting your H's feelings. Your first post says that he wants OM OUT OF THE PICTURE. You really need to decide on a POJA(policy of joint agreement) and stick to it.<p>
No more of this fence sitting! Either you want to stay married to a man who is loving and willing to accept you and your D, or you want to throw it all away for a man who obviously has no regard for marriage? If you choose to stay with your H, cut all contact NOW with OM! </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Your response to this is the following:<p>As for everyone else, thank you for helping me focus. I get it, I shouldn't see OM ever -- no kidding! BUT THERE'S A CHILD!!!! It's clear that everyone thinks he's a jerk and we should refuse to allow him near her. But is that practical? OM doesn't want to be her Daddy. He acknowledges H as her Daddy. He is trying to do the right thing as best as ***HE*** can (no judgements here, the operative word is "HE"). H and I are afraid if we don't work it out, he'll make trouble later. Look, I made a big mistake, but my daughter isn't a mistake and if I have the opportunity now to prevent future problems, shouldn't I take it?<p>
If OM acknowledges your H as the father, then he should do the grown up thing, and WALK AWAY! If you are truely worried about him "making trouble" later, then how about taking it to court? That way, it is all legal. If he truely doesn't want to have anything to do with being your D's daddy, then he can sign his rights away to your H, and he will have no legal platform to stand on, IF YOU TAKE IT THROUGH THE COURTS!<p>
Again, JMHO,<p>Tigger

Pardon my French, but--bio-schmio. I am the child born of an affair. I was raised by my mom and my dad--not my bio-father. My dad loved my mother and wanted to reconcile with my mother. He loved me and raised me as my own. He has 7 daughters. I am the eldest and to be honest, his favorite. We click like cogs in a wheel. <p>My parents never told bio-sperm-donor about me, although he may suspect. We are part of a large circle of friends that means that every three or four years I get invited to a party at which my bio-father is present. So, there has been infrequent but sufficient contact that he might suspect. <p>I care nothing for him and want nothing from him. he treated my mother like s**t, he betrayed his friendship with my father, he either consciously or subconsciously denies my existence. <p>I have all the Dad I need. He was there for my birth, my first day of school, for every important moment of my life, except (in his words) the least important moment, my conception.<p>There is a middle ground, one that Tigger4 and Sailorman are following. They will not lie to their daughter, Abbi, the child conceived of Tigger's affair. At the appropriate time in her life, they will tell her of the details of her conception. I know that she will pass through a period of grief, but on the other side of that grief is a very important piece of information--families are not about genetics--they are about shared lives. That is what allows adoptive parents to be just as "real" a parent as those who give birth to their children.<p>I truly don't get what the fascination with genetics is. Some adopted kids long to meet their birth parents, equally as many don't. If, at 10 years old, she says she wants to meet bio-father, you can decide at that time if she is, in your opinion, mature enough to do that. You may say "yes" or you may say "Dad and I don't think that you are old enough for that yet, but we are willing to answer whatever questions for you that we can. We will visit this issue every couple of years and when we think that you are old enough, we will help you find your birth-father if you still want to. Not all reunions are happy ones and not all kids are happy they have met their bio-fathers. Sometimes bio-parents don't even want to be found." You and husband will be her parents. Parents get to make those decisions all the time.<p>Mr.J and I are about to adopt two boys from Eastern Europe. Without revealing too much of their private information, these boys had a very rough start in life and were removed from the birth family for their own protection. We have detailed information on their birth parents and could make contact if we wanted to, but we will hold on to that information. If the boys ask about birth family, we will tell them they are welcome to have every scrap of information that we have--when they are 18! As a parent, I will protect them from people who have harmed them. When they become adults, it will be up to them to make those decisions.<p>OK, I am also here because my H had an A and fathered a child by that A. We have visitation so it probably sounds like I am preaching one thing and living another. We wish that there were a loving man in exOW's life who wanted to be Precious' daddy. She deserves a dad; your child is going to have one--your husband. Our OC has no father in her life and that is why we have chosen visitation.<p>Just my thoughts from being on a couple different corners of this affair/child triangle.<p>MJ

Thank you so much!!! This is the kind of insight that I've been looking for. I really appreciate your candor. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MaryJanes:
<strong>Pardon my French, but--bio-schmio. I am the child born of an affair. I was raised by my mom and my dad--not my bio-father. My dad loved my mother and wanted to reconcile with my mother. He loved me and raised me as my own. He has 7 daughters. I am the eldest and to be honest, his favorite. We click like cogs in a wheel. <p>My parents never told bio-sperm-donor about me, although he may suspect. We are part of a large circle of friends that means that every three or four years I get invited to a party at which my bio-father is present. So, there has been infrequent but sufficient contact that he might suspect. <p>I care nothing for him and want nothing from him. he treated my mother like s**t, he betrayed his friendship with my father, he either consciously or subconsciously denies my existence. <p>I have all the Dad I need. He was there for my birth, my first day of school, for every important moment of my life, except (in his words) the least important moment, my conception.<p>There is a middle ground, one that Tigger4 and Sailorman are following. They will not lie to their daughter, Abbi, the child conceived of Tigger's affair. At the appropriate time in her life, they will tell her of the details of her conception. I know that she will pass through a period of grief, but on the other side of that grief is a very important piece of information--families are not about genetics--they are about shared lives. That is what allows adoptive parents to be just as "real" a parent as those who give birth to their children.<p>I truly don't get what the fascination with genetics is. Some adopted kids long to meet their birth parents, equally as many don't. If, at 10 years old, she says she wants to meet bio-father, you can decide at that time if she is, in your opinion, mature enough to do that. You may say "yes" or you may say "Dad and I don't think that you are old enough for that yet, but we are willing to answer whatever questions for you that we can. We will visit this issue every couple of years and when we think that you are old enough, we will help you find your birth-father if you still want to. Not all reunions are happy ones and not all kids are happy they have met their bio-fathers. Sometimes bio-parents don't even want to be found." You and husband will be her parents. Parents get to make those decisions all the time.<p>Mr.J and I are about to adopt two boys from Eastern Europe. Without revealing too much of their private information, these boys had a very rough start in life and were removed from the birth family for their own protection. We have detailed information on their birth parents and could make contact if we wanted to, but we will hold on to that information. If the boys ask about birth family, we will tell them they are welcome to have every scrap of information that we have--when they are 18! As a parent, I will protect them from people who have harmed them. When they become adults, it will be up to them to make those decisions.<p>OK, I am also here because my H had an A and fathered a child by that A. We have visitation so it probably sounds like I am preaching one thing and living another. We wish that there were a loving man in exOW's life who wanted to be Precious' daddy. She deserves a dad; your child is going to have one--your husband. Our OC has no father in her life and that is why we have chosen visitation.<p>Just my thoughts from being on a couple different corners of this affair/child triangle.<p>MJ</strong><hr></blockquote>

All I can say is that I think you are still being self indulgent by thinking that you can continue to have contact with the lover who you say you still have feelings for and he you. Your thinking is still twisted. I don't think you are thinking of your child, or your husband, but of the same stuff that led to betrayal in the first place. If I sound too harsh, . . . I am a betrayed wife. I was understanding that my husband would want to have contact with the mother of his child. I bought the baby gifts, etc. But, I don't think it is possible for anyone in such highly charged situation to stay "sober" and not continue to have an affair. It is certainly an emotional affair, even if there is no sex or no touching. So, if you want to have your marriage, think of the Love Busters. Dr. Harley's recent newsletter says we are the most dangerous person in our spouse's life. When you have been unfaithful you have endangered your husband in numerous ways. If he is willing to forgive and be a dad to your child he has acted in ways that many men or women would not have the strength of character to act in the same situation. I know of one situation where the husband had an affair, the wife and husband supported the young woman during the pregnancy. The wife was fully included. These were Christian folks who repented and made it right, as much as possible. After the baby was born the husband and wife raised the baby. Who knows how it will turn out. I can imagine the OW wanting her child someday. What difficult situations. So, stay away. Make your life clean and sober. Leave the OM. In love . . .