Hello, My name is Tammy, I'm 35wks pg with twins our first babies, WS, is Damon. Found out on Jan 20th, by checking his cell phone and calling those numbers at 2:00am, could tell something wasn't right. I then woke him up, he did not deny it. Answered all my questions about it, but was being careful because I am soooo pg, and run high risk of preterm labor. Next day he stayed home from work, and I have never cried so much in my life. I was ready to forgive him right away because of our situation with babies, because I don't really want to be a single mother or dv. Anyway long story short. I found out a lot about OW, mostly because he told me, but I also did a little detective work myself (I am a police officer.) Anyway over the next week, he said he was confused, didn't know what he wanted, same old I love you just not "in love with you." I told him that if he wanted to work this out he could not see her anymore or talk to her (they had only known each other for 3 weeks at that point, which I verified through cell phone bill, and how he met her. I caught him in several more lies about seeing her and talking to her in the first week. I then called her where she works and told her that I would appreciate her not seeing my husband, that we had kids on the way (she knew about me and babies)and that if he was confused he needed to make this decision without her help, I was not mean or hateful, she agreed, but didn't say specifically she would not see him. I then checked his cell phone a couple of days later and he had called her and she had left him a voice mail, so I woke him up from his nap he works nights and told him he couldn't stay here at the house if he continued to lie to me and see or talk to her. He didn't want to leave but eventually he did, wouldn't take clothes or anything else, he left with bil. Well about 1:00am Bil calls me and asks me if he is home I say no bil says he left him around 10:00pm, well I cannot sleep, so at 2:30am or so I called her, I figured they were together and left her a nasty message. Told her that I would go to her job and embarrass her, and I would tell her mother, because I had nothing to lose, and that she needed to see me and see how pg I was. WS told me earlier that week that she didn't want to see him anymore, because she was afraid I would come to her work or something.
Well next am I was getting ready for dr. appt when OW called my house, she explained that she got my message, but didn't appreciate it(like I care) but she told me that she did not want any part of this situation, told her it was a little too late, and that I had asked her nicely not to see WS but that it didn't stop and that I wasn't stupid, she basically said she was sorry, but was really worried that I would go to her job and I said if I wanted to I would. She threatened restraining order, but I have not threatened her in any way, she is studying to be a lawyer(thinks she knows all about that stuff), but so do I so I was not worried. Anyway, told her I had kicked him out, that she could have him, he drinks to much and that yes he is nice looking but defintely not the best person to live with, don't get me wrong I love him to death, but that is because I have accepted the good with the bad, nobody is perfect. She said that she knew I thought he was there but he wasn't, unk if she was telling the truth, I think so because when I got home from dr. appt WS was home, I asked him to get his things and leave, he told me that he didn't want to leave and he wanted to try and work things out between us, and that he didn't love OW. He didn't know she had called me. I was reluctant, but he was crying and I really do need him to be around we have a lot of dogs and stuff to do around the house and I am pretty much on bedrest because I am already dialated to 3 cm. I also had his cell phone turned off the night I kicked him out. So over the last week, I don't want to say I have acted like nothing has happened but I don't need to be stressing out over it, because of pg, I could barely eat or sleep for the 1 wk after I found out so we have been going about our business and not really discussing it. I told him I wanted to talk about when he was ready but did not want to fight or be angry with him every day. I have not baggered him about talking to her, but if they have talked I can't really stop them. Anyway yesterday, we finally talked a little bit about it over lunch(public place) He wants to go to counseling, wants to fix problems not just act like they don't exist. I knew we were having communication probs since I got pg, but just thought that it was because of pg, etc. Just assumed it would pass after babies came. I think he is really, really afraid right now of all the responsiblities, and has not accepted that this is his life, he talks all the time about wanting to race his 4wheeler professionally, which I don't mind it as a hobby, and he has plenty of time off to do that, now we will see after babies are born, but he just talks and acts like he is not here with me, really. Part of me thinks he is staying until babies are born because he is worried about them. I know he loves and wants them more than anything, and I think he will be a great dad, but I am not sure he believes he will be a great dad.
Since we talked yesterday, with no anger and I actually told him I didn't know if I could get over all this and that he has really hurt me, he has been a lot nicer to me, I told him I didn't want to just forget it but I had to take care of myself and babies right now. Today he brought me home flowers, and a hand written note and card. I can count on 1 hand how many times in 6 yrs I have gotten flowers. In note he says that no matter what happens he is pround of me and is glad that I am in his life, and he apologized for not taking better care of me unk if he meant during pg or marriage. Signed it I Love You, Damon.
I am a little reluctant about going to see counselor because I feel if we don't get the right one it could do more harm than good. I have learned a lot from MB in the last week or so, I know some of the things I have done are considered LB's but I felt like I needed to fight to keep what was mine, UNK if it worked, but at least I feel better about it. Anyway any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Wow this is long, but I guess it feels better to talk about it, with other people besides family and friends. Thanks for listening, oh having a lot of contractions so if I don't respond for a few days it is probably because I am in hospital giving birth.<p>Tammy
met almost 6 yrs ago
Married, Oct 1, 1998
Tammy

Tammy, <p>My Goodness... I am so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like your husband is on the fence as to what he wants to do, but there is hope for a reconciled marriage and family... God is on YOUR side. I just encourage you to keep praying and letting God know your desires. He already knows them, but He wants a relationship with you. In my life, i know that the power of prayer has just blown me away with how wonderful God is. <p>I know this must be extremely difficult for you. There is another member on the board who is pregnant and dealing with a husband who is 'lost', maybe you two can connect and be a support for eachother. For the most part, this site is for people who's spouses have a child as a result of an affair, but i hope that you can get support here as well. I know my pain isn't any greater or less than your pain, but i have to admit that i was relieved even a little to read nowhere on your post that ow was pregnant, which is what most of us are dealing with here on this forum.<p>I hope that your contractions were false, or whatever they call it. I pray that God takes care of your babies, and He will. Let us know how you are doing...<p>God Bless,
Julia

Tammy, <p>Does your doctor know about the extra stress you and the babies are under now? He/she should. Take care of the three of you now. The A can be dealt with once you safely deliver.<p>Take care,
Estes

From what I have heard, the BEST counseling in the world is right here through MB...our own Dr. Steve Harley. Go to the front of this site and copy down his phone number or e-mail or whatever the instrucitons are to contact him for an appointment. He offers affordable counseling over the telephone and I hear he and his wife are extremely effective. You and your husband could schedule a few session in a conference call. Worth a shot...and you would be with a counselor who not only embraces the MB principles, but wrote them as well.<p>Good luck<p>Catnip =^^=

Hi Tammy, <p>You are certainly one strong woman. There is another MBer, Topie. In a similar situation. She had twins also about 1 year ago. I will try to get her to come over here and post to you. Her marriage is now in recovery and she is a great supporter. <p>Take Care,
L.

I feel for you. Thoughts and prayers to you. Both of my pregnancies were extremely stressful, primarily because of my husband so I know what you are going through.<p>I strongly recommend counseling. Just be open to leaving them if they aren't working for you. My H can only open up to women but we kept going to different men. Even if a counselor isn't perfect you can get something from them. Maybe the phone consults with Dr. Harley supplemented with a real live person.<p>He says he wants to fix the problems. I say trust him and fix them. You can't do this alone and you need to do it fast in my opinion.<p>IF it gets to be too much though for this pregnancy, you should stop - do whatever is right. The birth of your first child is stressful enough, but then to have twins too! You will have a great deal of joy but also a huge double responsibility and very little time for your marriage. Let your counselors know that you need immediate solutions to get you through the crisis. <p>God Bless.

tam,
I'm so sorry you've been hit with this crisis and grief at what should be the happiest time of your life. I was 8mo pregnant when my H confessed that my "friend" was carrying his child, also 8mo. It was very hard to "enjoy" the very REAL joy of my child while dealing with double-betrayal of A and birth of OC the same month as my child.<p>The good news is YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS!! Eventually, with or without your hubby, you will be happy again. <p>I ditto everyone's counseling advice. You need someone Good and Fast, but get someone! <p>If you have time, look at my post "thoughts for newbies(again)" by Jenny--good stuff.<p>Prayers and blessings!! Those babies need you!
Jenny
3+years recovery and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this at this time. I'ts horrible, especially with all the hormones - and twins to boot!<p>I just want to let you know that I am 36 weeks pregnant - not with twins - but with #4 child. I discovered affair last August, and it's been a roller coaster ride for sure.<p>If you have time, I'd read the info. on this site about affairs - especially emotional affairs, love busters, and Plan A.<p>This is to make sure that you understand the dynamics of what is going on with your marriage. You husband may also be having some fears about the impending birth and it probably hasn't been easy for him during the last few months of the pregnancy - I mean him getting alot of attention himself right now, and he probably was flattered with the extra attention from OW.<p>While this is no excuse, it sounds like your husband may be able to turn himself around, and it soudns like OW may be willing to back off. <p>However, I have some suggesitons for you. <p>While kicking them out is the first impulse, husband needs to be in the house with you - it's the out of sight out of mind theory as well as you can't really Plan A, especially in your condition, with husband not there. It may also help him bond with you and babies to have him there. <p>When they are born, it could changes everything, since he sounds like he's on the fence.<p>I would encourage you - although I know you are very hurt right now, to Plan A, which is really nothing more than thrying to determine your husbands needs right now and to try to fulfill them. If he needs attention, admiration, whatever 0 try to do it. Maybe he'll watch t.v. with you or play cards with you in bad, or maybe you can make plans about the babies together etc. Anything to involve him.<p>Marriages can really be even better after something like this if both parties are willing to work. You don't have to forgive him yet, just be nice. And try your hardest not to LB (love bust) Read about this on website, or in SAA (Surviving an Affair).<p>I know this is really tough to ask, especially since you just found out, and you are about to give birth, but it could be critical in keeping you two together.<p>Make sure that you have a good support system around you - family, friends, counselor(you can do it by phone through MB), priest/minister, and especially God. You will need it. Also, your support system may say just dump him, make him come crwaling back etc., but you have to determine what is important right now - being right or saving your marriage.<p>Don't worry, there will be plenty of time later for I'm sorrys etc.<p>This is just what I have learned - after months of counseling with MB and going through this - pregnant - for 5, almost 6 months.<p>It's not easy, but anyone has a chance, it sounds like you do. And as soon as the babies are born and you caa get yourself together, hopefully you and your husband can start applying the MB principles in your marriage - policy of joint agreement, etc. Maybe you can even get him to read His Needs/Her Needs By Harley.<p>Please continue to post with quesitons as long as you can. Good Luck. K

Tammy,<p>I may have been one of the other MBers Julia was refering to. I havent been around much, but I am almost 5 months pg and my H walked out on me about 2 months ago.<p>He is shacking up with his new ow in a hotel somewhere which I found out about cause I called and the bimbo answered.<p>I dont have much time. Back to work. Please email me .....saderangel@hotmail.com

I only just saw the post on the GQII board from Orchid tonight, and I hope I might be able to help.<p>Here's a brief (hopefully!) synopsis of a yr ago:<p>At the end of Jan/01, my H told me that he was unhappy and wanted out of our M. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with our twin sons at the time. The day before his b-day, on Feb 6th, the whole shebang hit a crux, and I kicked him out of the house.<p>My blood pressure skyrocketed, and I was admitted to hospital 9 days later. I lost 20 lbs during those 9 days too. Needless to say, my obgyn was FURIOUS with me, but I did let him know what was going on. Two days later, I had an emergency c-section b/c my blood pressure didn't go down any. My boys (fraternal) were fine (for the most part). Twin A (Jonathan) was 6lbs 5oz and Twin B (Alexander) was 5lbs. Not too bad for 34 1/2 weeks if you ask me. They will be one year old on Feb 17th, and are thriving! They're each over 20lbs (I think Jon Jon is closer to 25 now to be honest! LOL).<p>The twins were 9 days old before I could take them home. H was still out of the house. I didn't want him there. However, I did encourage him to see the kids as much as he could (which was very little IMO).<p>It was another 3 months of plan Aing before we got near reconciliation. I had to move to plan B b/c I was LBing far too much. I was consuming myself with his A with this so called 'friend' of mine (she too is married), and discovered 2 other PA's in that time. The day I went into plan B was the day things turned around for H and I. Contact with OW#1 continued via phone and email for 3 weeks into June, but ended upon that discovery. There has been no contact since. And the other womEn weren't really issues. They were pretty much one night stands (as far as I know, and as far as I want to know as well).<p>You are in a very difficult situation, just like I was. OMG Twins!!! But you know what? It's not as difficult to care for them as people make it out to be. And especially them being your first - imagine having a singleton afterwards? What a BREEZE that would be??? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Right now, you need to focus on you and the babies. There is not much of anything you can say to your H to change his destructive behaviour. There are things you can DO (actions!) that could persuade him towards your M, but that takes time (in most cases). As I said, right now you need to concentrate on YOU and those precious BABIES. Come here to vent out your frustrations. Allow yourself to be angry, but do NOT direct that anger towards your H right now (although I'm sure he deserves it - my H did!). Now is as good a time as any to learn how to avoid LB's. But I will warn you, with your hormonal state, it will take MONTHS to get some emotions under control.<p>I don't know what else to say right now that may help you in your situation. I will add that I usually 'hang out' in the General Questions II forum, so if you post there, I'll be sure to see it. You can also email me at topie25@hotmail.com if you like. But you'll get far more input by sharing on here.<p>Take care, and let us know how everything is going.<p>Karen