I have not had the time that I would like to have to post more often. <p> But, I have been trying to keep up with all that is happening in all of your posts.<p>There are so many of us in this &#8220;situation&#8221; that I am truly disheartened.
I read of trying4sainthood&#8217;s visitation ending, broken_wing&#8217;s pregnancy, Justme&#8217;s son&#8217;s illness&#8230;. I could go on and on&#8230; I want to be able to say things that will be helpful, yet when I attempt to post a reply&#8230; I just find myself frozen with self doubt. I am consumed with it even as I type this post.<p>
I have been doing some real soul searching since coming to this board a month ago. And today, I realized something. Not only have I been hurt in this situation&#8230; I have lost something very precious to me&#8230; even more precious to me than my marriage or my H&#8230;
I have lost myself&#8230; Not really LOST&#8230; just misplaced&#8230; I am not the same person I was&#8230; I have become someone that is guarded, touchy, and defensive all the time. I don&#8217;t particularly like this person. I miss myself. I miss reading books, enjoying music (without thinking about OW), I miss watching TV and cooking. I truly miss ME. <p>During all this mess&#8230; I had gotten further and further away from the way I was raised. My father is a minister. He has been a pastor ever since before I was born. I have a very deep belief in the Bible and its teachings. I am a firm believer in prayer. YET&#8230; I have not been acting like it. I have let my grief and pain take over my life. I have allowed myself to be someone that I am not. I misplaced myself. <p>Now with the help of those of you on this board, I am finding myself again. I am getting back to where I should be. The Lord brought me to this board for a reason&#8230; I believe that He led all of us here for a reason. What that reason is, may not be the same for all of us&#8230; yet, collectively we are a part of a plan. And I am so grateful that you are all here. <p>
Thank you all for allowing each of us our own voice&#8230; our own Points of View&#8230; For if everyone had the same point of view, life would be uneventful and down right boring..<p>Learning to Lean, again&#8230;

Stacia...<p>T~H~A~N~K~S~ for a thought that never occurred to me before this day....I actually lost alot of myself too....<p>I miss the things I used to do and pray that I will have regained some of it...<p>I did lose alot these last ten months...but I gained so much more too and I'm thankful that the Lord remained faithful to me....even when I doubted HIM...He did not let go of my hand!<p>It's good to see you post...I was hoping to see you more on the board!<p>Thanks for some interesting thoughts tonight...and keep on posting!
Hugs and love to you and lil bit and your family...<p>Twiisty

Stacia,<p>Thanks for posting this. I felt exactly this way a year after D-day. Now I'm searching for the old me and looking forward to finding her. Good luck.<p>Unsure<p>P.S. If you ever see me on IM me.

Lean on us here...thats what we are all here for. It is good that you have started to find that person again, just as you said...she is simly misplaced, and probably not as far away as you may think!
NGU

I think we have all lost some of ourselves in these situations. I think it would be impossible to remain the same after all of this. We have also found a part in ourselves that we never knew we had. Good or bad.
I, too, have lost who I am. At the same time, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be the same "Me" that I used to be. However, this past weekend, I visited with my mom and felt some of the "old" me peek through. So I am getting back to that easy going person that I once was. I also dont want to be the same me. That "Me" allowed the blinders to be on, allowed my h to feel unnecessary in my life, allowed my role as a wife to be 99.9% of a relationship. That had to change for my marriage to ever heal. So I am glad that I am changing. I am grieving over the old happy go lucky me that let all roll off my back however. But obviously, that was not the best me.<p>And, yes, God has led us here to hold each other up in our times of need and to be strong for each other, and to to know what to say to each other to keep our spirits high. <p>God has blessed us all in the ways He has worked with us.\o/

Stacia,<p>I am glad you wrote this out.<p>I too feel like I have lost the old me. How can I explain? Forgiveness is there, but there is no doubt that something in me has changed and unlike some of the others, I don't think I will make it back to what I was. I was happy. I am not. I am not unhappy but as Hutch said, BLAH.<p>I am wounded and defensive. I doubt people, everyone, not just Mr.J. He always used to say that I turn tragedies into triumphs. I can't with this one. The best I can do is turn tragedy into...BLAH. Maybe when he makes a better recovery, when he is back to functioning at full force, maybe I will follow along.<p>I don't like the new me. I don't like the changes. One thing is that even if we had divorced, I would have still been this different person, this less-positive, less happy person because of what he did.<p>We are only 18 months into this, maybe it gets better.<p>MJ

Stacia,
Your post put into words what I was trying to explain to my husband this weekend. <p>I have lost so much of my old self over these past 10 months. I am not the easy going, fun loving person I used to be. I am now very untrusting, don't enjoy the little things anymore, and like Hutch said, life is just Blah. I am going thru the motions but not really getting anything out of it. I sound like that add for Paxil. I have a wedding to plan for my daughter coming up in 3 months, and I just don't have the desire to do it. We were mailed the wedding vows to go over and I just looked at my H and said "they really don't mean much do they?" I know that was a big LB but it just came out.<p>I re-read Jenny's post for newbies every so often when I see it bumped up. I see the phases of grieving that she discribes, the denial, anger,saddness, bargaining and acceptance. Right now at 10 months I have gone thru the saddness phase, but right now I am in the I don't give a darn about anyone or anything phase, just sort of numb from crying and tired from trying to get our life in order. Tired of dealing with OW and setting up visitation schedules that suit all of lives. It is never enough for her, nor will it ever be enough(twice a week) Afraid that OW will go off the deep end emotionally.<p>My fear right now is if I let down my guard that H will see that visits are going smoothly, and things begin to become better for OW emotionally, which means the workplace is no longer a place of conflict between H and OW that the two of them will again become comfortable with each other, and resume their comfortable friendship, and possibly slip into old habits. H has done everything possible to assure me that he wants to be here with me, and our marriage is his first priority but he hasn't quite earned my complete trust yet. <p>Heres hoping to get to that next phase soon. <p>Tina