Hello All.<p>Lately I feel like I cannot let things get better because of my resentment towards my W. Our baby(from the A) is doing well and everyday I feel more love for her. But then I look at my W and I feel like I cannot be relaxed, affectionate, fun, etc when I am with her. I have no doubt that I love my W but it just feels like I am in a hole, fighting these negative feelings that are affecting my relationship and overall happiness with my W.<p>I remember feeling excited and feeling very affectionate towards my W but I am having trouble getting those feelings back. They come for short periods of time but then I am back to feeling BLAH. <p>hutch<p>P.S. It has been 10 months since D-day.

Dear Hutch<p>In every book I have read on the subject, 'they' all say it takes at least two years, perhaps even three years to get the marriage back to 'normal', whatever THAT is. <p>As far as loosing feelings for the Wayward, we all go through cycles in our marriages where we have deep feelings for our spouse one day and then look at them as if they were from Mars the next. And after receiving such a blow to our hearts and our marriages and having everything we have even known shaken to its core, it takes a long, long time to feel trust and love again.<p>Give yourself a break, Hutch. You are fabulous and wonderful to be doing what you are doing. Men like you are real men, Hutch, and I have the utmost respect for you... your wife is a lucky woman. Just be patient and realize that it must be tougher to get through this when you have the child right there in your midst that will require your time, love and attention and sometimes be a reminder which could slow the healing process. Healing will still happen and the child may even become the greatest blessing you could ever imagine, but that's for another time in the future. Until then, realize you are only 10 months into this and you are still in shock, your emotions are still raw and you are still going through all the stages of denial, sadness, rage, acceptance and forgivenss. Be kind to each other, be kind to yourself. You are doing fine...one day at a time.<p>Talk to God, keep praying, posting and asking God for His will and guidance and ask for patience and understanding. You are in my prayers.<p>Catnip =^^=

"In every book I have read on the subject, 'they' all say it takes at least two years, perhaps even three years to get the marriage back to 'normal', whatever THAT is."<p>Catnip,
My H has heard two different therapist tell him that exact thing, but for some reason it never quite sinks in. <p>Hutch,
I completely understand your feelings of the Blahs. While I don't have the daily reminder of the affair that you do, we have visitation twice a week, and it is difficult looking at the child who looks so much like her mother sitting in H lap. This weekend will be the first time I have ever seen the second OC. I have put this meeting off for 8months. It just brings to reality just how long this A went on. A 4yr old and a 8month old.
I hope like you those feelings of love will begin to happen regarding the OC. It just takes time, patience, and consistency. <p>Tina

hitch,,,

hitch,,,

hitch,,,

hitch,,, i know exactly what you are feeling. my feelings for fh are at an all time low. it is not that i don't think i love her but rather that i have feelings of indifference. like i couldn't care if she stayed or left. i swore to myself that i would shed no more tears over this and then v-day rolls around and my eyes fill. in the past i have always tried to make sure fh knew how strong my love was. you know flowers, candy, six cards, special dinner, etc.. i have been thinking of this day for weeks and trying to figure out what i would do for her. each time only to come up with the same answer of why do anything at all. she has been expressing ger love to me over and over and all i can feel is where was it one year ago. i know that i feel so lonely these days i can hardly stand it. not knowing the specifics of your w's straying it is hard to offer any suggestions. <p>
what everyone has said about the 2 - 3 year time period is exactly what i have been told by our counselors. therefore all i can say is hang in there and keep praying. <p>i know that you have made the decision to raise your oc as your own and i must say that you have my admiration. that has to be the hardest choice any man would ever have to make in his life. i have 7 kids and just love being around them mine or not and have been struggling in trying to find a bond with grace.i have managed to become more helpful with grace in being able to feel comfotable holding her and consuling her when she is upset or crying while we are at home. the trouble is i have no bond to her. if she were to go home to another place tomorrow it wouldn't bother me. i am ashamed to say that as i have always loved to be around children. i feel that i have to give it at least 2 years to see if the real deep feelings of love for fh come back. i am hoping that i can find some stronger feelings for grace and i think that will help my feelings for fh. it doesn't seem right to just walk out on 22 years of marriage.<p>
hopefully time will help cure your blahs.

hutch,
Ditto what they said!<p>Also, having ANY baby around takes a toll on a marriage, even the very most planned and desired ones. A couple(2) becoming a family of 3 or more is a HUGE change that takes time to adjust to, muchless the added stress of recovery from A, deployments, moves, etc. Those little bundles are very needy people and take a lot of time and effort out of us parents. <p>Two, remember those emotional needs! You're each suppose to identify and putting deposits into each other's "love bank". Have you both done the em.need questionaire? If you are anything like MY H, perhaps it is hard to admit that you are feeling needy to your beloved! I tell you, none of us can read minds! My H has a hard time expressing his needs, but that doesn't stop them from existing and needing fulfillment... A relationship takes TWO.<p>Just my .02 and
my very best wishes to you and your family!
J

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I HAVE THOSE SAME FEELINGS ABOUT MY H. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH BUT IT IS HARD FOR ME TO BE HAPPY LIKE BEFORE IT DON'T FEEL RIGHT. EVERY TIME I TRY I THINK THAT IS HOW I FELT BEFORE AND GOT HURT SO NOW I AM SCARED TO BE HAPPY. AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT DEALING WITH THE TRUST. D-DAY WAS FEBRUARY 1999 AND I HAVE NOT COMPLETLY HEALED YET. WE HAVE 3 KIDS. SOMETIMES WHEN I SEE MY H A FLASH WILL APPEAR HE SHARED HIS LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE THE WAY WE DID AND HAD A CHILD ALSO. AS MUCH AS I TRY SOMETIMES TO BLOCK THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS IT'S LIKE SOMETIMES IT WILL NOT GO AWAY.IT TAKES TIME DEALING WITH IT ALL. WE SEE OC EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.AND AT FIRST IT WAS REALLY HARD BUT IT IS GETTING BETTER. JUST KEEP THE FAITH AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT.