First time user here! With the need for answers.
Brief history...
We've been dating for 2 1/2 years and dealing with the problems that most couples deal with their second time around. We have both been married, me, 15 yrs. Her, 8 yrs. We both have children. We are engaged and have set a date. We understand that the odds are against us staying together, and have agreed to put conscience effort into beating the odds.
She started a new job last fall and with the new job came new friends. Something she had a hard time with when we first started dating was the time I spent talking to my friends. Over time our friendship grew to the point that I exchanged that "friend time" to be her time. She is my best friend and that's the way I wanted it to be.
Now I've dealt with the fact that she has maintained a wonderful relationship with her children's father. I think it is great that they can talk and share thoughts with each other, but when she started spending more time talking with her co-worker David, I began feeling jealousy that I could not control. I started listening to my heart, and looking for lies. I know from experience that we usually find what we look for, and I did. I came home, walked in at the moment of the kiss...
She said she was sorry, it was a mistake, that she didn't know why she let it happen. She just wanted to be friends.
They are still talking, and I am still looking for lies. She says she wants to trust that I am not looking over her should or checking up on her. She wants me to trust her, but she is still hiding the truth.
In the past she was always very open with me about her feelings. Very honest about everything.
Is it time for me to move on? Am I expecting to much from a relationship? When rules change in a relationship, why are they such a secret?

I am sorry for your pain.
You are engaged to be married to this woman and you come home and catch her kissing her male friend? One she is kissing him and two she is kissing him in your home and you are engaged to be married to this woman? I think you are lucky you found out before you got married. She showed total disrespect to you carrying on in your home.

You date to find out about a person. I think you should seriously thing about moving on. If she is doing this in your home while you are engaged then just imagine what she will be doing after you are married. I wish you luck because you will need it if you marry her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said she was sorry, it was a mistake, that she didn't know why she let it happen. She just wanted to be friends.
They are still talking, and I am still looking for lies. She says she wants to trust that I am not looking over her should or checking up on her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She should not be working with this man or in contact with him in any form for any reason if you are still going to marry. Read all the entire infidelity section of the "Q/A" link. I'm busy today and do not have the time to post the numerous reasons why.

Secondly, trust is earned. She needs to earn trust before you give it to her.

If I were you, I would give some serious thought to your relationship with her. If she is lying and cheating before the wedding even begins, I doubt she's going to do much changing afterward.

If she cannot take the steps necessary to remove this man from her life and protect the relationship with you, then she isn't going to take those steps after she's walked down the aisle.

I thank you for the replies, and would like to hear more. It's odd how we ask for help but then reject what we don't want to hear. I know it would take more information, background, and the view point of the both in volvedto really be able to offer sound advice. Something beyond the scope of this forum.
Some say that people don't change, cheaters will always be cheaters. I believe that depends on the person. I am 40 yrs old and have gone through many changes, personal, physical, emotional, etc... My needs have changed, and I'm currently watching my partners needs change.
So walking away may seem like the right thing to do if I could look into the future and see nothing but more pain, but I've been told that my future depends on me. Unless I see myself as a victim of society. Which I don't.
At present we are beginning to talk again at a deeper level, and we are trying to understand things. We are not ready to quit, but are looking for ways to grow, and re-build. I have read, "His needs - Her needs" and want to share the wonderful truth in every word that I've learned from it. All input is welcomed. sincerely, Al

I never said that people don't change and cheaters will always be cheaters. What I say is that if she won't take the steps necessary to protect your relationship now, she won't after you are married.

Don't walk into heartache.

If you want to know why these steps are necessary, all of the information is out here for free. There are the concepts, the Q&A section, the articles, and books. "Surviving An Affair" is a good book for you to start with. Also read "Love Busters". I think it would be prudent for you to note that maintaining a relationship of any sort with someone you've had an affair with is not an emotional need. Also note that all friendships, etc are subject to the Policy of Joint Agreement, and if both partners aren't enthusiastic, they should go.

The bottom line still is whether or not she is willing to prioritize her relationship with you above her relationship with this man and terminate the inappropriate relationship completely. If she won't, she's willing to jeopardize her relationship with you for this man. This should tell you quite a lot about her priorities. A person with those priorities about your relationship probably won't make the best marriage partner.

As for your future being up to you, it is. If you chose wisely, good. If you chose unwisely, bad. However, you cannot control her or her actions. Only she can do that. The question is whether or not you can trust her to take actions that are considerate of your feelings and needs.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

My two cents..Can it, you will never get over this. enough said!