I've posted to several others comments. I am so tired of this whole thing. Here it is Valentine's Day and I can't stop the recurring thoughts of my husband's affair and all the cruel and hateful things he did and said, the incredibly hateful actions of the OW and her stance that I am the interloper and she is the one with the rightful place because she and my H "have a child together". Today I received a Valentine from my mother in law and a note telling me she and her H are coming here in June and that they want to see her "granddaughter" at that time. My husband has not even had a paternity test yet, although he did finally agree that it is necessary a couple of months ago. The OW had numerous partners, so to my mind there is a slim possibility that the child is not his. He tells me he is going to be her dad no matter what because he was there during the pregnancy and birth. I just want out so badly, yet fear that if I follow my avoidant thinking that I will miss the good that can come of this bad situation. My H says he loves me, wants to be married to me, etc. So, . . . It is discouraging to read of people still struggling with these same thoughts several years after a child came into their family via an affair. Is there anyone who has done this and it is all ok? How can it be ok? Help.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lulalu:
[QB]Here it is Valentine's Day and I can't stop the recurring thoughts of my husband's affair and all the cruel and hateful things he did and said, the incredibly hateful actions of the OW and her stance that I am the interloper and she is the one with the rightful place because she and my H "have a child together". QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Hi Lulalu,<p>It sounds like an OW I know... When these OW truly believe that they have a rightful place because of oc and that we, the wives, are the interloper, it just proves they have a warped way of thinking. It's called, 'THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME SYNDROME'.<p>I would encourage you not to let the grandparents get involved until dna is proven and secondly, that is what you and h decide. My MIL told me that she doesn't want anything to do with oc, but that may change when the child is born, who knows. Yes, in-laws can definitely add more unneccessary grief to the whole equation, i'm sure.<p>I know what you mean by saying that you fear leaving because of possibly missing the good from a bad situation. I would call this missing out on God's blessings and strength that come from a willing spirit that suffers through tribulation to gain not only strength, wisdom, patience etc, but also and most important...doing it all so that God may be glorified in it.<p>Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking
anything. James 1:2-4<p>Of course, we are human and wonder why in the world we endure something that seems so hopeless and ungratifying. But I remember that it was never God's plan to involve divorce in the marriage equation. Divorce is granted because of hardened, unforgiving hearts. <p>Some of the members on this board have no contact with the oc/ow, maybe that is something you would consider in order to save the marriage because keep in mind that you have a covenant with God, something to not take lightly. By keeping your covenant and choosing to have no contact with oc, you would only be dealing with the consequences of your h's sin by paying CS for 18 years.<p>Only you can make this decision... pray about it a lot, share with your h, it sounds like he loves and values you above all. And remember, this is your business, not the in-laws.<p>God Bless,
Julia

POJA, POJA, POJA, POJA and again I say POJA.<p>If your marriage survives your husband needs to somehow come to understand that he cannot continue to do things that are against your wishes, against your sanity, against your marriage.<p>"He that is not with me is against me."<p>Is there any way you can get your husband to agree to counseling with the Harley's? Maybe if he would go to counseling with them for a while, he might agree to live by the POJA even for a while. It could be like a trial six months.<p>One time a counselor asked me, "Is what you are doing (yelling at H and begging him to spend more time with me) getting you what you want?" I said "No" and she said "Then why don't you try something different? If that doesn't work, you can always go back to the yelling and begging." She had quite a sense of humor but made a great point. <p>Can't your husband at least give you a grace period of time when he will not see OC and you two will not talk about it? He could give you some time to calm down, both of you time to think.<p>IF not, would you consider Plan B? Sometimes our spouses only wake up and turn around when they see that they are about to lose their marriage. I think that sometimes they think that if they play the part of the bully long enough, they will always get their way. Saying, in effect, "I am taking my marbles and going home. You don't play nice and I am not going to play with you anymore."
That's Plan B, not necessarily Plan "D." Separating is not necessarily divorcing.<p>There isn't one of us on this board who couldn't survive and eventually learn to thrive on our own.<p>MJ

Thank you for your replies. I am a strong believer and have stayed with my covenant because of my belief in God. I'm doing a whole lot better today. I really appreciate your words to me. My husband is making a tremendous effort to be loving to me. He wrote me a letter which he sent me expecting it to arrive on Valentine's Day, but, it didn't -- I received it on Friday. It was beautiful and thoughtful. Sometimes it is amazing to me that during the chaos I was usually the rational one & now that the chaos has stilled he has become more rational and trusting in God and all my stuff is leaking out! He told me that his goal now is to honor me just as I honored him and our marriage when he was not. To me that is a big step. Anyway, thanks so much. I appreciate the experience of all on this board. And I value every person who believes marriage is a covenant -- Several times my husband said we should divorce & I always said no, because I do not want my heart hardened & I know that is what is required to divorce. Now he is thankful that I refused and stood on God's word for our marriage. Once in awhile I get a glimpse of what God is bringing us to and it is better than the early love we had for each other. My prayers are that others in these painful situations are uplifted and encouraged to stay with God's plans for their marriage. God bless . . .