XOW sent us a Christmas card with "family" picture (yup, every year! LOL) and this one has a MAN in it. Absolutely no clue if she married this guy or what. Now, I haven't gotten to talk much with DH about this, but I would love it if New Guy wanted to adopt OC. It might be too difficult for them financially without ch-s, but I would love for OC to have a REAL dad. We send OC stuff and her mother taught her very early who DH was with pictures, but he's never seen OC... we live thousands of miles away and always will. (Frankly, the longer we go without seeing her, the less I want to ever have visitation.) <p>Q: would you ask XOW about New Guy?? Marriage? Money? And about adopting OC?? Correspondence between us is absolutely minimum the last 2 yrs. Occasionally we ask how OC is and XOW tells us a few things. I really do not want to open any cans of worms. Just thinking about her turns my stomach, so the idea of increasing correspondence is YUCK. I think H will be against asking because he always thinks the worst, that it'll make a fairly peaceful situation much worse.... But adoption is such a great fantasy...

I'm willing to bet that if she's putting this guy on hoilday cards she's made a family with him.<p>If I were you i'd lay low. Let her bring up the idea of adoption otherwise you're liable to ruffle her feathers.

The great fantasy, huh Jenny? We'd all like to be let loose from this obligation. <p>I am sorry, but I honestly don't know why an exOW would have her new husband adopt OC. Yes, in many ways it would be in OC's best interest to have a full-time dad. But, considering how much child support is, why would anyone let the bio-father off the hook? <p>For your exOW it makes almost no sense at all (sorry)
You and H are never there,
you don't interfere in their lives,
she doesn't have the common OW fear that OC may come to love you and that might mean she loves her own mother less,
she doesn't have to share D with anyone. <p>She just simply gets a check every month. New H can be daddy in every way that counts AND they get a check every month from someone who doesn't visit.<p>I harbor the fantasy also. Not just because we would be done with this situation, but because I believe that Precious deserves someone to love her full-time.<p>BTW. I do not think that an OC coming to love a stepmother means any less love for her own mother, but I think that a lot of people fear it. I think that is why when there is visitation the exOW can sometimes make it so hard. They are frightened. I don't get it. Parents can love more than one child; children can love more than one adult. No one takes a mommy's place, a least not a good mommy's place.<p>MJ

Even if she got remarried, I would bet that adoption would never come into play. I mean basically he can be dad, doesn't have to worry about outside influence. She can even change the last name if she wants without any issues. So the only thing is that they would lose the child support. I don't know anybody that is going to turn down money, no matter what. Her life and income is already based on receiving that money. I have a friend in the same situation. Her son has a dad, and they still just get the child support. Just my two cents.<p>babstr.

Dear Jenny<p>While I share this "almost-too-good-to-be-true" fantasy with you and hope and pray this will someday soon happnen for both of us, I have to agree with Mary Janes and Babstr.<p>If the OW has her more than healthy extorted income share being sent to her every single month without having to contend with Wayward or Betrayed Spouse, she can happily get her pound of flesh and play house spouse with whomever and life is good for her. Why would she change that? <p>I kind of agree with your husband to let sleeping dogs lay for now and not antagonize XOW. If she knew you were "for it" and happy she is marrying and a possible adoption, she just might NOT allow prospective spouse to adopt to spite you.<p>Just sit on this for a while and wait and see where this goes on its own steam...and keep praying and trusting that God has a better plan in store for everyone.<p>It sure is a nice dream, though, (sigh) and dreams can come true, but where big money is an issue, the liklihood of XOW relinguishing a farthing is remote under any circumstances.<p>I'll keep praying, though...just in case..<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=<p>PS A sidebar, Jenny: Why are you kind of changing your stance on visitation? Is it because of the visitation failures we've been reading about? I'm just curious because I read these sad, sad stories (cd, Gabi, Gem, etc. etc. etc.) that ultimately end up with such heartbreaking results and I am even more confident I made the right choice to avoid contact on any level. But, lately, I have been thinking about the kid instead of my anger and resentment and worrying about her and feeling things I haven't felt before. Maybe it's the flu and it will pass. Hope so.

Thanks all. Sad but true.<p>catnip, my friend, there are so many reasons. It's a basic cost-benefit analysis. Yes, I've read the very sad (even evil) stories here, and I don't see much benefit unless visiting us is something the OC herself really wants. Now that she has a "dad" around, I don't see why there is any "need" for my H to be involved, since we are always so far away. Visitation would cause our family a great deal of stress and money unless she waits until she's a teen or young adult... (meet us, see H family pictures, I still have no problem with that). I'd be quite satisfied with meeting her later rather than sooner. I'm in no hurry to tell our children, and I have to consider the feelings of the child we are trying to adopt. I have my hands full just raising them. There is also the nagging concern that OC could be somewhat obnoxious, given who is raising her. <p>With any luck, New Guy's a decent man who will treat her like his own in every single way. I really truly completely wish that for OC, for her sake. And once she has that, I don't see any reason to us to be on the emotional and financial hooks...<p>Although I agree with everyone that they have no reason to give up the Gravey Train... no reason but to be decent people.

double post<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>

I was watching the Kurt Warner (quarter back for the Rams) story, and he adopted his wife's two sons so anything is possible... however he is also a wonderful Christian man who openly declares his faith - isn't ashamed to tell the whole world (Praise God for men like this!). Anyway, millionaire or not, I believe it takes a man of integrity to adopt the children of the woman they love. When a man is able to take such a self-less step, it shows real character and trust in God to provide for HIS new family (as head of the home..Ephesians 5:23). <p>There are men out there like this, but they are few and far between. Unfortunately, I am sure the men that actually date these ow are just as clouded in their thinking as our h's were. Last I gathered, majority of the ow i read about, with the exception of the Tiggers and the Binthere's, most ow do not hold christian values and aren't in the business of looking for men of integrity. <p>I say pray hard about it!!! Only God knows what's in store... the wonderful thing about God's plan is that it can be trusted, even when it doesn't go our way.

MaryJanes wrote:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am sorry, but I honestly don't know why an exOW would have her new husband adopt OC. Yes, in many ways it would be in OC's best interest to have a full-time dad. But, considering how much child support is, why would anyone let the bio-father off the hook? <p> <hr></blockquote><p>I agree with this and the other's here who stated about OW's not wanting to give up money. In my case, she would not want it to happen, because her OC is her only "link" to my H....a man she desparately wanted in her life...so she took whatever she could to get a piece of him...by allowing "fiance-man" to adopt, that would cut her link to her "love" and the "love token" would be diminished...(besides...they can't afford court...if she ever approached us with the idea of adoption, we would pay 100% for the court costs, atty and everything...) and I stress..it's not to get out of our fiancial obligation, but it's for the best interests of the child to be with a loving family unit that doesn't include us.<p>Incidentally, I do believe that anything is possible...my H was talking about adopting my two older girls before he "screwed up" with OW. He was afraid that if he went ahead with the adoption and I found out about OW/OC and left him, he would be stuck with paying child support for 5 children instead of just 4. I can understand why he felt the way he did...I'm praying that with time and healing that Mr. "T" would think about adopting my two girls. <p>"curly-top" my 6 year old always says she wanted to have our last name.<p>Sooo, I watch, wait and pray and know that it is possible that someone would be willing to adopt, but my OW gets more money in child support and benefits (medical) than we do for my two children of a previous marriage....I often wonder why the double standard?<p>Anyways....keep praying, "With God, all things are possible". I believe for the best, but know realistically I have 16 more years of CS payments to go. I pray that OW uses it wisely for the child.<p>Hugs to y'all....
Twiisty

Hmmm... It seems to me if OW is flaunting her new guy's photograph together with her kids and everything--making it appear to be one big happy family, you are most likely to be on her wedding invitation list! I wouldn't be surprised anyway... AS IF!<p>You know, when I got married, I thought that BS would be happy for me, happy enough to attend. Was I in a fog or what? OMG! I just didn't get it. I think I get it now tho...