Hi, <p>I have noticed one common thread here. When there are no children of the marriage (by choice or by infertility) it seems that the OW thinks she gets a higer claim on H because of the child. I imagine since he was willing to have an affair (which she assumes means he doesn't love W and must love her) AND she has borne him a child, she must have priority. I'll bet it is an even bigger blow to an OWs self-esteem when a H chooses to stay in a marriage w/o children.<p>Thoughts?

MJ,<p>Funny you should comment on this... I couldn't state your words more clearly! Yes, ow really believed that she took precedence over me because of the child she's carrying and probably assumed h genuinely loved her because if he was willing to cheat on me, than he must love her. The problem is women equate sex with love, and men equate sex with sex. <p>She has said many things to prove your finding... one being her coming to our apartment in the middle of the night telling him, point blank for the whole complex to hear, "you don't love her, we're a family now". Please... LOL. Then she tells me that i should be a real woman and let him be with his family. Uhh..ok...anything you say. <p>Like i stated in another reply to someone - It is called, "THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME SYNDROME". And you're right, i am sure it was a hard blow to swallow when h came home, not for the sake of the children he loves but the wife he loves...wonderful point, MJ! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Spouse and I don't have children together and I am sure she thought that somehow diminished me in his eyes.<p>I think in the beginning, XOW probably thought spouse would leave me and run off with her because she was spawning and probably was bitterly disappointed he came home to me. But, if she had any thoughts of making issues or claims to force the issue, her decision to do so was dashed when I made an unannounced visit to her two weeks before she delivered.<p>I always believe a good defense is an offense and my bold and unabashed surprise visit threw her off guard, I am assuming.<p>At the time, my demeanor was akin to one of those birds that fluff themselves up to look bigger than they are to ward off predators and apparantly my false bravado paid off. We haven't heard a peep from her in three years. We do, however, hear from her attorney and the courts if spouse is sick and not working and I am sure she is behind that somehow. But, all she really ever wanted was the cash, and she certainly is getting that!<p>The cash she gets is the healing balm to the scorching humiliation of being dumped for what she perceived as the old bag at home. She probably thinks he only came home for the 'stuff' we have acquired over 23 years not realizing that the stuff is also 23 years old...hahahaha...it had to be me, me, me.<p>Catnip =^^=

I agree. I am sure that xOW thought that she was going to “land” H. <p>She ‘needed’ a husband and a father for her son (creating the “stable family unit”) so that she could regain custody. And my H was the only guy she was messing around with that actually had a J.O.B. So getting pregnant must have seemed the perfect way to get him. And the fact that I had miscarried, must have added to her confidence.<p>The fact that H asked me for a separation (and I moved out on my own), she thought for sure she had won.
She went to the trouble of telling all her friends and family that they were getting married. She told her family that they were getting married in April 2001. HA HA HA… Didn’t happen!! We were back together in April!!! <p>She even tells her friends, to this day, that she is going to win him back. SHE is the one with the BABY… She thinks she has SOLE custody. Ummm… No... Its Joint… and we have her 51% of the time! <p>I am praying for a happy April 2002… I am praying for the courts to do whatever is best for our Lil Bit. She is my only concern. I have dealt with xW #1 for the past 9 yrs. So I know I can be civil… SO there is no reason we can’t accept whatever outcome is placed before us. Yet, I know… IF God be for us, who can be against us? And whatever is HIS will, will prevail.

hi all, just wanted to add in since until recently we didn't have children together. since OW told H she was pregnant, but then never followed up or anything, he didn't really believe her. then when we heard rumors, but nothing from her we figured it was a lie or it wasn't his baby. we were both in denial big time. she told H she was pregnant almost exactly a month after they had their last screw. so tell me she didn't plan it. she had to have been just waiting with that pregnancy test. his first reaction to her was that he didn't believe her, then he told her if she was that he didn't want the baby, or anything to do with her.<p>i think that she thought that since it would be his first child, that she would easily have him. but she was wrong.<p>being pregnant now, i often wonder if H will change his mind about seeing the OC. i will stay with him no matter what, though my position is that it is best left how it is. i don't trust OW and know she will use the OC as a pawn. and we don't need that in our lives. wouldn't be fair to OC either.<p>a friend of his at work saw the OC and asked my H if she is really his. said that OC looks like him. my H says he is curious to know what she looks like, but doesn't want to have to deal with OW. also said that OW is telling his brother that OC is asking about her dad, and wants to at least see a picture of him. OC is 4 1/2. <p>whenever we talk about OC, i always tell my H that i will support him in whatever decision. but that i will be a part of OC's life. and that i will pick up OC. he is fine with that, as he would rather never see OW ever again. but i would bet that OW would change her tune if she knew that i wanted to be involved. <p>see, his brother has a 2 children with her(OW's) now "best friend". well he also has a girlfriend now and another child but when he goes to see his kids he also "sees" (and i don't mean visually) the xW. so OW probably hopes for the same thing. she is so wrong. she won't be seeing my H at all if he ever decides he wants to see her, she will get to see ME!!! and i know she won't want that she hates me.<p>i think that my being pregnant is making my H curious about how OC looks since he is always saying how he can't wait to see our baby. but when i ask him about the real stuff, like visitation, telling my family etc, he doesn't want to be involved. i told him all the horror stories around here lately with those involved in the OC's life, and that scares me, him too. <p>anyway, just saw this post and then went off into my own world. other than this, our marriage is going great, pregnancy going good, etc. we just had our 6th wedding anniversary and life couldn't be better. any suggestions as to what to do with H's curiosity?? should i encourage it, or let him bring it up on his own?<p>happy_girl

Happy Girl!!!<p>I am so thrilled to see you here today! And it is so wonderful hearing all the good and exciting news about you, your marriage and your pregnancy! Oh, HG, you have been missed. But, I know from experience that when things are going very well for members here, that often they drop out of sight for a while just to feel and be 'normal' again and bask in that wonderful feeling of being just like any other married couple.<p>I take it school is going wonderful as well?<p>As far as your husband's curiosity...they probably all get curious now and then and have momentary urges to take a peek, but in my case, my husband basically acknowledges his curiosity and then dismisses it...all within a few moments. He knows it isn't beneficial to him, me, XOW or the child...it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.<p>Personally, I wouldn't encourage it. It might start something you don't want or need and take your focus off your own child, who is number one priority.<p>Just my opinion.<p>Hey! Don't be a stranger! Thanks for the update...good seeing, er, talking to you again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

hey catnip!! hi! i still lurk every once in awhile, usually triggered by something like us talking about OC. things here are going great. school is good, i have a part time job, and we are moving to a house to have more room for the baby when it comes. <p>H is still working out of town sometimes, but we are used to that. i just hope that someday we will be at a better place financially, like when i am finally an RN, and it won't matter too much what he makes. but right now, with the huge amount we pay in cs, he has to go out of town to make the money. and what i make a month is about what they take in cs each month, so we break even.<p>i know you are right about letting sleeping dogs lie. that is how i feel about it. but i know that he knows how hard it would be for me and don't want that to influence his decision to see or not see the OC. does that make sense? i truly believe that his curiosity is just that, since he never sees past that...how we would work visitation, how it would affect our families, etc. and it has only been 2 times that he has ever brought it up. i just tend to dwell on things.<p>well, thanks for writing to me. i miss all my old friends, but with school, work and the coming baby, i hardly have time to be online anyway. and i can't keep up with all the newbies. plus, it is nice to feel like a normal married couple sometimes. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>talk to you later. hope things are going better for you in your life. you definitely deserve it.<p>happy_girl

Dear dear happy_girl,<p>I just had to write and tell you, like catnip, how delighted I was to see your name and hear that life is going so well for you!<p>I mostly lurk too. The newbies are very hard to keep up with and I can't seem to get back into the groove that I once had with MB. I miss the oldtimers although I am so happy that many have moved on to happy, normal lives.<p>I would not encourage your H's curiosity, like catnip said. With your own baby coming now, I am sure he is experiencing all kinds of feelings, including guilt, at times, for his decision not to have contact.<p>But as you get closer to delivery and especially after your child is born, your H will probably focus in on your new family and those feelings of curiosity will fade. I know you don't want to influence your H's decision, but you have a right to be a part of the decision for contact because it will have a long term impact on you. <p>I wouldn't worry about regrets later. He has lived this long without contact and simply paying the CS. I remembering your descriptions of your OW's behaviour and I would not be surprised if she is the one putting words in the child's mouth -- about asking for a photo. <p>Right now, concentrate on the joy of your first pregnancy -- enjoy every moment of the special feelings that go with it. If you have ten more children, none will be exactly the same as your first. This is not the time to allow any thoughts about the xOW or OC intrude into your happiness.<p>Continue being happy and being normal. I wish you only the best. Lurk all you want, but make sure you let us know when your baby is born. E-mail me if you still have my address.<p>God bless you and your H and that precious life growing inside you.<p>love,
heavenly