Hi,<p>We are in a sticky situation. We have visitation with OC and 2x weekly phone calls. Since OC is still a baby, exOW is involved in the phone calls by necessity. (They sometimes happen with me around and sometimes not. I am OK with this as neither H, nor exOW seem to want anything to do with each other anymore.)<p>I asked H if he had told exOW about our impending adoption of the boys we hosted from Eastern Europe two years ago. He said that he hadn't but he began doing so over the previous few phone calls. She now knows that we are getting closer and closer to our goal, but she doesn't know how close.<p>I think she will have two issues:<p>1. She fears that her child will suffer (get less love and attention from Mr.J. because we now have children of our own). It doesn't make me angry that she thinks that. Her first priority must be Precious. It is her job, she is the mommy and she must look out for her daughter's best interest.<p>2. What I think is going to be a bigger sticking point is that Mr.J has barely worked in the 18 months since D-day and we are going to have to adjust child support. He lost his job a couple of months before D-day. He was facing major medical crises, (although I didn't know it) he was dreading the birth of OC, the boys were with us and it was more fun to play with them than to work in his study or think about what a mess he had made of his life.<p>Since D-day he has struggled terribly with depression. He has been back to work since November, but he makes 1/3 of what he used to make and he is about to lose this job, which was only a contract.<p>Before D-day, we had an income of $300,000 a year (2/3 of it his and 1/3 of it mine). We both had high paying jobs, the stock market was going gang busters, etc. He was paying almost $3,000 a month in child support and actually had paid that amount during the last few months of her pregnancy while she spent two or three months in the hospital.<p>So, after D-day, he has no job. They agree to $1,700/mo. More than we can afford considering his unemployment, but at that time we had extra piles of money sitting around.<p>After a few months of unemployment, they agreed to $1,000/mo until he went back to work. Now it is at $1,250 which is the correct amount. We have run the calculations on her state's child support web page.<p>If he loses this contract, he wants to lower support to the $300/mo that is the lower legal limit in her state.<p>I think that she has come to see him as a cash cow. She bought an expensive house even though he warned her that the rich days might not last forever and he wouldn't pay more than he was legally obligated to.<p>She is going to see this adoption as taking away from her child. H is preparing for battle. He says that it is my money that is paying for the adoption (true), he is out of savings, retirment funds, everything. His money is gone, every bit of it. He says that she can take him to court for all he cares. He can prove what he has paid, they have signed agreements to all of this, he can prove that he has no more resources left. We can not quite make it on my salary alone; unfortunately we built a life based on two huge salaries. We can adjust and if he doesn't go back to a better paying job soon, we will have to. Hey, I can raise my kids in a small condo. I don't have to have and am not defined by owning the big house on the hill and the German cars. (I think he will have a harder time with the loss of status than I will. Men seem to define their sense of self a lot more based on status and career success than women do.)<p>I don't know why I am writing this all out. I don't know what I expect anyone to say about this. I don't feel sorry for us; life is what it is. We have seen the glory days of high-tech. I think we are being taught a lesson in humility. Our MC says that this may be the only good thing about H's affair, child and loss of job--it punctured the balloon of H's ego which was getting out of control.<p>I know that exOW has no right to be angry about our adoption, but that doesn't change the fact that she is going to be and she is going to make what has been a relatively smooth relationship more difficult.<p>Don't mind me; I am just blathering.<p>MJ

Oh Mrs. Job,
MyCross here two day in a row [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] . I guess I am worried about CD.
I wanted to just warn you NOT to tell OW at all about your adoption, if she asks Mr. Job anything just have say "it's not looking good". A very close friend of mine went through all kinds of problems with her and her husbands adoption of their baby. Seems his XW (she, the new wife WAS NOT the OW) Was VERY nervous about what that would mean to her child she had with him. Anyway this woman (XW) called the courts and caused a delay of almost a year , saying things and making accusations about the type of parents these two would be (she brought up all kinds of thing they had to constantly defend)...and she did this without having to give her identity, When children are involved you dont have too. My friend the new wife, Knew it was her but it was hard to prove. Everyone was in support of the adoption, but she was the only one who made comments. The XW was smug in the fact that friend had to have a hysterectomy at a young age and she knew her child with her XH would be his only one. She figured his inheretence would be all her D's (he makes a very good living). Your XOW can make so many problems for you ( and do it without even giving her name), dont tell her a thing..until the adoption is FINAL. That is my advice. She is already a woman scored (see your own post below) and I am sure she is a protective mom, she has NOTHING to loose...But you and Mr. Job do. If you have said anything to her, tell her it fell through, or there is problems. I hate not telling the truth..but this is for the sake of those two boys who have been waiting for their parents for a couple of years now. My hearts to you and Mr. Job. I have to go away for a few days, Please take care of CD..OK? Love MC

I'm sorry, MJ, but what in the hell is Mr. J saying anything about this very personal matter to XOW? It is none of her business! And it seems to me that it is very dangerous to discuss something so tenuous with someone who is clearly out for their own self interests.<p>In my not so humble opinion, Mr. J should never discuss anything with the XOW except the OC...and that's it! No small talk, no chit chat...just the kid.<p>As for the other financial issues...oh, I hear ya, Lady...you are talking my talk, and walking my walk. Same story, different couple. We are well into our financial nightmare and living out of suitcases in homes that belong to others. But the good news is...that is soon to change and life is beginning to take on a familar normalcy that has eluded us these past three years. When this all culminates, I will announce the news. In the meantime, this superstitious Irish lass isn't going to jinx herself.<p>Please stress the importance of descretion to Mr. J and establish some boundaries where XOW is concerned. It really bugs me they talk at all.<p>Catnip =^^=

Thanks all. Hey, Catnip, don't get too angry on my behalf. I know what conversations go on between the two of them. (I am present for many of them and I know from phone bills that the other calls are short 5 to 7 minutes.)<p>I know that we are trying something different than most here are trying. I appreciate the words of caution as you have brought up something I hadn't thought of (or at least not in a long time). We are trying to establish as normal a step-parent relationship with Precious as possible and some of that conversation has included that we are going to adopt. In fact, I was the one who suggested that we needed to let exOW know that there were brothers coming into the picture for Precious. I can now see the potential harm in that suggestion.<p>I don't know if she would try to destroy us. She really does seem to be over him. There are pictures of both of us in Precious' bedroom and she says good night to Daddy and MaryJanes every night. Since she seems to have been acting in the best interest of Precious and putting her own feelings aside for about a year now, I thought she was fairly safe and that it was the fair and humane thing to do?<p>For those with visitation, if you were about 6 weeks away from birthing or adopting a child would you not let OC and exOW know or am I being naive because we are adopting and she can screw that up and there is a lot less she could do to mess up an impending birth?<p>MJ

MJ said: "am I being naive because we are adopting and she can screw that up"<p>MJ that's my vote. It is good that you're all getting along for P's sake, but I would not trust XOW with something as important to you as this adoption. I would keep it very low-profile until AFTER you get the boys home!!! <p>Since you don't see P frequently, I don't know why the news can't wait. Once the boys are safely home, then you can renegotiate $ and such. Some states' guidelines take into consideration children in H's home re:ch-support, so I hope XOW's state is one of them.<p>Good luck!!
J