to make this as brief as possible, things were not good with my husband and i moved out hoping they would get better but i was wrong. months went by and nothing changed except i became pregnant by om and headed for the states to stay with my parents. there is no excuse for what i did even if we were having problems. i hate myself for what i have done to him. he knows about the baby and we were trying to work things out but he is still overseas and i am here in the states. i have forgiven him for things that may have caused me to leave but i don't think he will ever forgive me. i don't think i can even forgive myself. he was crying on the phone today and i hurt so bad and just wanted to comfort him. he said he doesn't understand how i have forgiven him so easily and how i could say i love him so much after what i did. i love him more for everyday that he tries and pray every night that i will have him still in my life the next day. i am getting closer to my due date which is in April and things seem to be getting worse because he doesn't think he will be able to bond with the child or be a good dad. i feel differently but i am so scared of losing him. what can i do!!! please help

Snoopy,<p>I have a couple questions for you. First, let me let you know that I, too, had a child as a result from an A, and my H is raising her along with our older 2 children. He has totally accepted her, and loves her as much as our other 2 children.<p>My first question is, does OM know of your pregnancy? If so, is he near you, where you are living right now?<p>Second, Why did you move home as soon as you found out about the pregnancy? Did H ask you to leave? I ask this because if you wanted to work on your M, it is VERY difficult to do when an ocean, or two, are separating the H and W.<p>Third, How long have you and H been seperated? <p>As for bonding with this child, you should read some of my H's latest posts. You can find them in the following thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=35&t=002374<p>My H is Sailorman59, so this may shed some light on how the H's are feeling, as it is another member who is going through the man's side of the OC issue. It is never easy, no matter what side you are on, but it can be done.<p>I will look for your answers, and maybe I can offer some good advice for you then. Keep praying, and trusting the Lord, and He will answer your prayers.<p>Tigger

the om does know about the child but is not near and he has quite a bit of time left in the service and is freightened of getting kicked out so i don't think we will be hearing from him. i know that doesn't mean we will never hear from him but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. as to the other question about leaving when i found out i was pregnant. it was my choice to leave. we had already been apart for 8 months when i found out i was pregnant and i didn't expect that to make things better especially since the om was there. my husband contacted me when i got back and said he wanted to try to make it work and he came home for christmas and things were great and then he had to leave again. i had 7 miscarriages with my husband and am a high risk pregnancy so the doctors here ran tests and found out that i have lupus and that caused the other miscarriages or so they believe and i think that that is really hard after all the stress of trying so hard to have a child together. i hate that we tried for so long to conceive a child from love and now i am having a child based on betrayal. i love this baby already and always will and i know that it will be tough but i feel like he wants to try one day and the next its over and i am stressing the baby so much one day aand the next i get an e-mail saying he misses me and thats why he freaks out sometimes and not to worry because he says everything will be ok. i am so confused. he is willing to talk to people in the same situation which is great but so far it hasn't happened yet.

Snoopy,<p>Your description of your H's emotions is the classic "roller-coaster ride" that all BS(betrayed spouses) are forced to ride upon discovery of an A! At the beginning, and usually at the anual anniversaries of D-day(discovery day)those rides offer the worst down hill turns and loop-d-loops you can ever imagine! In your case, it is even harder on your H, because of the massive seperation with you in the states, and him being overseas! It takes time, but if he is still talking/emailing you and telling you that he loves and misses you, there is still hope for your marriage. <p>Now, a couple more questons. Will he be able to be home for the delivery? How much longer is he going to be overseas? Like I said before, such a great distance between you is making it even more difficult. I understand about needing to be where the doctors can help your baby and you, but you need to be together as soon as possible! One other thing about OM, do you still have any contact with him? Has either you or your H gone to any counseling? Have you told him about this site? There are other men here who have been in your H's shoes. They haven't been around lately, but I'm sure we could find them. They usually lurk, and only post if there is something major, or if a particular thread really speaks to them.<p>I just want you to know that yes, what you did was wrong, BUT, you are repentant, and want to work on your marriage. It can work, but both parties have to be willing to continue the marriage. You also need to forgive yourself for what you did.<p>I hope I made some sense here. I am 4 hrs behind most everyone else here, and still drinking my morning coffee. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I, again, will look for your response. I really hope I am helping you in this difficult time.<p>Love,<p>Tigger