My finance is 14 years older then me. Him and I were in a relationship 3 years ago, were engaged then but things didn't work out at that time. Well here we are 3 years later engaged again. Well there is this lingering issue that makes him want to run in the other direction and he is like a watch dog looking for it. Back when we were in the first relationship we loved each other very much, but he was always worried that on day I was going to grow out of him, in the sense that as I grow up and mature my feelings about him would change. I have tried to convince him that that will not happen. I thought that he would see things differently since it has been 2 years now since we broke up and I still love him as much as I did back then. I mean, I think that sort of back ups my theory that I will not grow out of him. But he brings this up everytime I try and talk to him about something that may be a little touchy. Today we were talking about some things from the past and I was trying to tell him how I see them differently now. I was really afraid to bring it up because I knew eventually he would take it back to the age issue. Sure enough, he said "I knew back then that one day you would see things differently. Maybe your seeing that this isn't whats right for you." Then I went through this long spill..."No I love, I want to be with you. That is not what I am saying at all. I wish you wouldn't take things that way....and on and on." But I have had to reassure him about his over and over...I mean 3 year now. I am scared that one day he is just going to let that fear get the best of him. I don't want that to happen but I also don't want to have to walk on my tip toes around subjects that I might be afraid that he could take there. I wish there was some way I could give him some security about this...any suggestions?

4ever, what is your age. That could make a huge difference. Like if you are 17, it would be one thing. If you are 26, that would be quite different.

What is your age?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I knew back then that one day you would see things differently. Maybe your seeing that this isn't whats right for you." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Age diff may be the reason he gives, but it may actually be a deeper sense of insecurity, of "if she really knew me" she would not love me. Esp. since this has popped up again. How's his overall confidence and sense of himself?

Two other possibilities.

1. He needs to have his ego stroked and when he brings up the age problem you bend over backwards to tell him how committed you are to the relationship and how much you love him.

2. He uses this to avoid real issues because the distraction always works.

Either way, the trick works for him. I'd love to see what would happen if you turned to him next time and said, "I'm afraid the age issue is too much for you to deal with. Perhaps we should stop seeing each other."

But truly, you've been dancing this same dance for years and you aren't getting anywhere. You either need to stop dancing or change the song.

I'm 23 btw.

I guess his self confidence isn't that high when it comes to me. He is insecure about me. I have wondered if it is because I don't "need" him enough. He said something the other day that made me think this. We were talking about one of his past relationships and he said "Even though I knew her and her life were a mess, I guess it gave me a sense of responsibilty and belonging". He sees me is strong, independant, smart and financially secure. I don't really "need" but I do "want" him. When our relationship ended before I said "I don't need anyway". I said that because I knew it was a soft spot. I just said that out of anger. I just wish that me wanting him could be enough for him. I guess in a way he doesn't think he is good enough for me and that is why he is always on alert for me to see "the real him" like you said. Yeah, I guess he uses the age thing is the easy way of him expressing that or as cover.

But sometimes I wonder if, like Dobie said, that it is him just wanting his ego stroked, which I'm not very good at doing, unless he questions how much I love him.

Yes, I have been dancing this dance for years...but I don't want him to have any question about me loving him or wanting to be with him. Really he shouldn't have any question about it the way I see it.

Any suggestion on "how to dance a different dance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ?"

4ever,

I have to wonder if he really respects you as an equal? It's hard to pinpoint a problem based on limited information, but the comments he makes to you lead me to wonder.

I've read your other thread and combined with this post, I do have concerns. He claims his first wife was a mess, but she needed him. And now he's dating someone quite a bit his junior. Does he really WANT someone who he feels is an equal to him? Or does he prefer relationships where he can feel superior in some way?

Add in the drama with the ex and I'd suggest waiting on the marriage thing until you're certain. You have the rest of your life to get married and there are some wonderful men out there without all this drama and baggage. He seems to have made it appear that he's a victim of all this, but it's all come about because of choices that he has made. I'd hate to see you in a bad situation five years from now and have him telling the next young lady about how you got him into a mess.

As for changing the dance? He leads with a question and you keep providing the same answers. Next time, just change the answer. Tell him something along the lines of, "I'll always be younger than you. Should we end the relationship now or do you have a any solutions that will make you comfortable with the age difference?" Or can you have him telling you that you're too young to know your own mind for the rest of your life?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dobie:
<strong> 4ever,

I He seems to have made it appear that he's a victim of all this, but it's all come about because of choices that he has made. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly. And I am finally begining to see things that way and this is was our whole conversation was about. And his response to it was the same ol "I knew you would see me different one day".

You brought up an extremely good point. "Does he want someone who is his equal?" Thanks for pointing that out because it is a truely valuable point that I never thought of. I guess maybe he wants someone he can feel superior to...that goes along with the whole "need" idea right?