gdavis617,
I hope that your pap smear comes out fine. It sounds like you are doing o.k. otherwise. Have you checked out the principles here? <p>Dawn

Gdavis,<p>Prayers for the best possible results from your pap smear. I have had the same awful wait waiting for results of mammograms. It may sound trite, but it has helped me in the past to keep reminding myself that these things are very often a false alarm--about 90% of the time from what I understand. The first time I had to have a biopsy I was worried so sick I couldn't eat for weeks--that's the Plan W diet. (I have also heard of the infidelity diet here--usually suffered by BSs starting on D-day and lasting for a couple of months.) By the third biopsy, I was pretty cool about it--I had built a bank of experiences of good results.<p>Dear DocsGirl,<p>That's the way! Instead of telling us what we should do, you are much better received if you explain what you want to do or what you think is right in your situation.<p>I happen to agree with you on visitation, but for reasons of my own. I have a niece whose dad abandoned her and my sister, his wife 3 months after the birth of my niece. She has grown up (she is now 13-years-old) apparently always noticing the lack of a father in her life. Nothing my sister did has been able to help her process this loss--counseling, all the right words about this being his fault and not hers, etc.<p>HOWEVER....I believe that in the case of a child conceived of an affair the needs of the marriage and children born of that marriage may take precedence over the need of the OC to know her biofather. (I am also a child born of an affair and have never met my biofather (although I have seen him from a distance at a couple of social functions). I have no desire to know him; I had a great dad, the man who raised me. He is all the father I need.<p>In our case, we seem to be able to work out visitation. exOW and OC live 2,000 miles away. The affiar was over and OC was born before I discovered the truth. All three adults in this situation are working for what we believe to be the best interest of OC. All three of us love her. But this is not the cirucmstance for most women on this board. The exOW often cannot accept her new place in H's life--none and she becomes very, very vindictive and at times dangerous. If visitation threatened our marriage, brought with it a real concern of legal charges of child abuse or drove either Mr. J or me into deep depression (as opposed to decreasing discomfort) we would not have continued visitation. We come first. Sorry that is just the way it is for me, for us. We are adopting children and have been in the process of adopting them since a few months before D-day. Our children have as much right to the best possible life as OC does, so do the children born of the marriage. Mr. J and I think that we can work this so that all benefit more than they suffer but probably only because of the distance involved and exOW's determination to get on with her life.<p>I hope you find good recovery, whether or not you stay in your current relationship.<p>Shalom,
MJ

Gdavis and Docsgrl,<p>There is some very great advice from those who have been there on this thread! I would recommend acting as a sponge when reading those who are sharing their stories. Soak up their experiences and advice! Many have tried visitation, and had to stop due to the xOW's antics, and some even were accused(and aquitted) of abusing the OC. In those cases, it's understandable why visitation had to stop. Others, like Stacialee, have actual joint custody, where they actually have the baby 51% of the time! There are many different angles on visitation or no visitation. Just remember, their angle may not work for your situation, but it will help in your decision of what to do.<p>Tigger

My family is dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity in a marriage of five years. A month ago, I had to face the most difficult situation of a disclosing to my wife that a woman, with whom I had an extramarital affair, approximately eighteen months ago, was claiming child support payments for her baby. This woman had full knowledge that I was married with a family and never received any promises from me while we were involved in the short duration affair. I actually only had sex with her twice and always considered it a one-night stand type affair, which occurred as a result of my wife working out of town for a couple of days. I never saw the other woman again after our last sexual encounter, except for one last casual visit, approximately a month after she called to have a brief conversation about our future.<p>This twenty-nine year old woman withheld her pregnancy from me during the entire period. She decided to inform me that I was the alleged father, three months after the baby was born. Initially, she only asked to accept the paternity, without any financial responsibility. When the shocking news were revealed, my wife was about to give birth to our firstborn. I decided to spare her from the emotional trauma of revealing the infidelity at such a critical stage in our lives in order to protect her life as well as the newborn, hoping to keep everything secret. After a few weeks of self-debate and without first seeking legal advice, I decided to accept responsibility for my actions (recognizing that the child with this other woman was possibly mine due to a mere and familiar resemblance), and accepted the paternity for this other child. I then tried to return to my normal life with my wife and our newborn. At that time, I only told the other woman that I would make an effort to communicate with her to learn about the baby, but to understand that I had a family life. <p>Approximately two months later, the other woman called me and when I met her that same day she informed me that she needed help financially with the baby, and to forget about what she had said initially about no money. Outraged and feeling betrayed for the request of a single-mom professional, earning a salary of over $35,000 per year, who was receiving full support from her mother with daycare of the baby, I told her that this would end my marriage. Given the new circumstances, I demanded to have a paternity test prior to entering into any agreement regarding child support. She refused to have a paternity test and filed a child support case in court, after we were unable to reach an agreement. <p>I feel that my obligation is first to my wife and our child, which I am committed to provide a healthy nest both emotionally and financially. I realize that I was irresponsible for having an affair and unprotected sex (withdrawal apparently didn&#8217;t work), but I do not feel inclined or motivated to take a genuine and an active role in the life of the other child. I understand the consequences of raising an illegitimate child without a father and not meeting the kid&#8217;s needs, but I feel is totally unfair that I have to pay full consequences, a divorce and full financial responsibility. Additionally, I would have to sacrifice very valuable family time and energy, when I never desired, planned and/or wanted to have a child with this selfish woman, particularly given the aforementioned circumstances, which I terribly regret. Needless to say, I have no respect for this other woman.<p>I was forced to file for divorce in order to protect my family financially from this situation. For the next twenty-one years, as the legal father, I am facing to be saddled with child support payments of over $950 a month for a child, who I am not even sure is mine and with no legal defense to dispute the alleged paternity, as per my attorney. In spite of this pathetic situation, my wife has forgiven me; the &#8220;marriage&#8221; has survived, and it will continue to develop into a loving and trusting relationship. With regards to the OW and OC, visitation, only time will tell. Any advice?

I keep comong here daily to read the updates for encourgment ... Please direct me to the principals in this website .. One day while surfing this site I did find the what the abbreiavitons mean but I can not find them again so if any one could help I would appreciate it.. Let me also tell you a little more about my H and I. I have always carried the health insurance at this current time we have none my H has a sma ll sandwixch shop which has not been doing well for the past 8 weeks he acquired this business in July ,2001..At the time it was thriving but as the economy gets worse so does business...For a family plan it would cost $927.00 a month we can not afford that at this time... As I have stated I did have to go the the Doctor for a repap we had to pay cash for the visit.. I feel that although I realize my H is responsible for this OC he is at first responsible for me and Our child born out of marriage ,This OW has allready had a child born out of wedlock with another man .When will the courts and child welfare stop writing these woman checks ....My husbands cousin is a lawyer and when the time comes will handle this case for us... I pray that we will have a fair judge that will take into fact my H is married with child and no health care... has any one had this kind of experience? any advise will help... Thanks,
Gina

gdavis:<p>I recently joined this board with the ivillage gang and on General QuestionsII if you look for a post that is title something like For those of us from Redbook who don't understand the lingo...it was posted by me and has the abbreviations in it. HTH<p>MJD:<p>I really sympathize with you situation though it could (but won't be by me) be argued that you brought this mess on yourself.. I really feel for your wife and child because I am in your wife's shoes, my SO went out and got someone pregnant while I am about to have our second. There is no greater pain for knowing your love slept with someone else except to know that they conceived a child. It is horrendous (sp) pain, and while I hope my SO doesn't choose to be in this child's life, I cannot request that of him, I don't think it would be right. So I have to wait and see what he decides. My question to you is why don't you get a paternity test? Does she have to agree, I would have thought that with it going to court they would have required one be done? Did you sign acknowledgement of paternity and thats why you're legally bound without a test? Have you thought about doing one without the mother's permission or finding a way to get one done legally even though she doesn't want it? Sorry so many questions...One more..Did your wife leave you or were you just filing for divorce to keep your family from suffering financially? <p>Sorry if that last question was a stupid one I am not married so don't really know what can be done and what can't?<p>Bridgette

To everyone on here who's husbands have an OC from an affair and the husband want nothing to do with them I have to ask you how you can stay with men who would treat thier own flesh and blood that way?? These are innocent children.

MJD,
I have to agree with Bridgettee. You can sue for paternity. Why don't you do that? That is what my H is doing. If you signed the acknowldege of paternity there is status of limitation depending how old OC is. And you can get your name off of the BC if the time has not expired. And are you still with your W. I know that people here did the same thing as you did inorder to protect their family finacially but are still together. If you not contacted a lawyer I would do so and talked him about your situation.<p>Dawn<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

I have to ask you would you be saying the same thing if it were your husband, not you, who had a child from an affair? It is very easy for you to look down from your horse because your husband has chosen to accept this child. You have no idea what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. Some might ask your husband how he could stay with a woman who betrayed him and your family together and made a child with someone else...that wouldn't make you feel very good would it? Listen to people and be open to how they feel, whether you agree or not.

Just a little bit of info here. It is possible to have visitaion and contact with the OC without ever having to see or deal with the childs mother. I believe that DHS can provide such a thing or even an impartial friend or relative could provide transportation. I know I sound like I'm lecturing here but I can't help but think that there are ways to do this with out making the children suffer. If the father of the child just wants nothing to do with them for thier own selfish reasons then that is what I can't understand. I will be thanking God even more and more now every day for my wonderful and unselfish husband. In my book he is a REAL man.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>In my book he is a REAL man.<hr></blockquote><p>In my book, my husband is a REAL MAN also [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I would respectfully advise to not use the LoveBuster of disrespectful judgment on those who chose NO CONTACT for various reasons. The reasons are different for all situations. There is no blanket statement that fits this most painful and unique part of an A.<p>I fully support those who have contact and in their cases it works out for them. My H and I have our own reasons for no contact which are what works best for our family. <p>You have a right to your own point of view, as I do mine as I live my life. I do not live yours. I can rest at night knowing that my Husband and I are at peace with our decision. We have peace and we can look at ourselves in the mirror. Of course, our reasons for no contact may differ from others, but to us, they are valid. <p>I do have to say one thing, you have a valid point in that visitation can be set up apart from contact away from OW and the BS...but I believe an hour in a visitation booth in our situation is more damaging to the child. We have considered this as a valid option while deciding what was best for the OC (from our vantage point). I believe that some of the BS's spouses have this type of visitation away from the home on this board, but I can't remember who.<p>Again, there is no one size fits all in this horrible of situations. I honestly believe that if some OW's acted as responsibly as some BS's who wanted to try to work it out...you would see more OC's incorporated into the families more. <p>Twiisty

I fully understand that every situation is different. My comments were made in regards to the letter that started this string. The woman who just found out that her H has a 2 yr old from an affair whom he has never seen, has no interest in ever seeing and when he first found out that the OW was pregnant he told her to get rid of "it". That is the man I'm glad don't have to live with.

My h is one that wants nothing to do with o/c.<p>He to also told her to get rid of it and offered to pay for the abortion.<p> The o/c is a little over 2yrs old and there is no interest on my h part to accept that this child is anything other then someone else's kid. Nobody knows this child exist it will be kept that way for as long as we can.<p> My feelings on this is its her problem she should have thought about raising a fatherless kid when she took it upon herself to stop taking her birth control pills. To try to destroy someone's family and try to use a child to do it is very sick to me. I want no part of it. My h see's the oc as a reminder of him doing something very stupid.<p> My feelings are that if he would have wanted o/c involved in our lives I most likely wouldn't be. I respect him for putting his family first.<p> Read MJD post that might give you some insight.<p> Thank you MJD for telling your side of the story we need more men here. It really helps to get the men's point of view so us
wives don't have to keep sounding like broken records.
with love flowerseed<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: flowerseed ]</p>

If any OC is born it is the will of God, no doubt about that. But there are consequences to sin. I have noticed that a few here are saying that the OC and his/her welfare is the most important person (factor) in the whole equation. Call it selfish, but I believe that my welfare, my future, my hopes are just as important. The OC is not more important than me, but rather, as important AS me. We are all children of God. <p>And Want it back, you ask how we can stay with men who would abandon his own flesh... It was never God's will for man to sin, and the days and nights he laid with ow, God grieved intensely. This child is a consequence of that sin. Now many will suffer because of the initial act (sin), including OC, unfortunately. And I stay with h because I am not afraid to suffer a little in this world, especially if it means keeping my covenant.<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

I have to come first in this marriage or it will not work... we are trying to rebuild our marriage not destroy it. My H did not want this child and says he has 1 child .. I also think the woman should have thought about the future of this child a little longer before having it let me also add this is not her first child she has another by a different man and was allready on welfare... How can we rebuild at this time if we have to accept another person in our lives??? Do these woman not think about the other innocent lives they are destoying by having a MM/s baby.. We have a 14 year old son I do not want him to hurt anymore .. Alot of people think the Oc is innocent it may be but so are the MM.s children from his marriage and they should come first...

First of all these are only my opinions it doesn't concern me what other people do. I've read MJD's post and I still don't get it. Maybe it is a maternal thing or a man/woman thing. Don't think for a minute that when I found out that I was pregnant with the OM's baby that it didn't pose many many problems for myself. I was 37 yrs old with two teenage children and had just been reconciled with my H for about a month when I found out. I could have very easily had an abortion without telling anyone or I could have had nothing to do with her when she was born and handed her over to her bio father who would have very gladly taken her. But she was MY child, despite how she came to be. No one wanted thier marriage to work as much as I did at that point but if my H had made me chose between this child and him then I would have chosen the child. Thankfully I have a remarkable H and didn't have to make that decision. Still there have been MANY sacrifices made for this child to have a chance at a happy life. I had to quit my job and even with the $90/week support I get it doesn't come close to the $300/week I was making when I was working. We own a 2 bedroom home so this spring we have to add another bedroom on to the house. I have lost all the freedom I had and have started all over with a new baby. But every single sacrifice has been worth it. I had my selfish period when I was having an affair. I didn't like the way being selfish made me feel and it helps me now to know that I am not the only person on this earth that matters. It takes two people to make a baby.Each one equally responsible weather they wanted to make one or not. If they didn't want the possibility of this responsibility then they should have kept it in thier pants.

Dear Bridget,
You have my sympathy for your situation however it is probably better than a wife having a child to the Lover.<p>My wife had a five month affair with a lover resulting in her falling pregnant. She has never told me that it was lovers child but as we were separated some 7 weeks prior to conception the baby definitely is not mine.<p>Although I have treated and love the child as my own, it is a constant reminder of the affair and deception that the wife continues to this day.<p>If it was not for two older children, I would not have entered into reconciliation in this case where deception was a key factor of her strategy.<p>Dr Harley is right about being honest with your spouse, as it does catch up with you in the end.
My Wife recently assured me that the child was mine and that she only had sex with the lover once which was horrible. She forgets that I remember that she lived with him for three months following 2 months of sneaking out on me.<p>I forgave her at the time, for the childrens sake, but I can not forgive the lies that she is telling today.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by want it back:
[QB]First of all these are only my opinions it doesn't concern me what other people do. I've read MJD's post and I still don't get it. Maybe it is a maternal thing or a man/woman thing. Don't think for a minute that when I found out that I was pregnant with the OM's baby ........QB]<hr></blockquote><p>I think you did the right thing in keeping the family together and keeping your child. Make sure that you maintain honesty with H to avoid any backlash in later years.<p>If H loves you he will accept the situation as it is now history. The honesty is long lasting however.<p>All the best with your extended family.
Fred

Fred,<p>I wanted to give you a quick welcome to our board! There are other men in your particular situation, they are just not as vocal as us women! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] My H is one of those men, and is pretty quiet as of now, due to being deployed with the military. There has been some posting, in the last 3 weeks, from my H and other men on this board. The majority of it is on the thread "Question for Sailorman". It may or may not help you in your situation. At the least, it will give you a couple different sides to your particular situation. It seems as if you have read quite a bit about the principles here, and are fairly familuar with them. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!<p>Again, welcome.<p>Tigger

Fred, I make sure everyday that my H knows how much I love and appreciate him and I believe that goes a long way in making this work. Even though our situation isn't exactly the "norm", I think it has worked out best for everyone involved. Your wife is probably terrified that she will lose you if you thought this child were not yours. If that would not be the case please let her know that even if the child is not yours that things can still work out fine. She needs to understand though that it's the dishonesty that bothers you so much, not this child. She may be having a hard time separating the two. Try to keep the faith, things can be very good again.