My H is in the service and over seas, we had been married only 5months when he left for bootcamp. I didn't want him to go and I was resentful and alone... so I went to a party and had sex with one of his friends...and did the same at another party with another of his friends and got pregnent. I had already told him about the affairs, and we decided we could work through that, but then this came up, I was so scared of lossing him that I even considered abortion, I couldnt do it of course, it wasnt the kids fault. I was supposed to join him overseas, but I had complications and had to stay while he left..we did pretty well through it all and he came home for two weeks durring my 9th month...he talked to my belly and all that stuff, and he was on the phone durring the delivery, he even cried when the baby was born.....but now, a month and a half after the baby was born, he calls me out of nowhere and says he wants a divorce! ( we oppted not to tell his parents that the baby wasn't his) He said he couldnt lie any more..I told him to tell his family but he said something about his pride..so all this time he has been liying to me about how he felt? He wants a peternaty test so the baby wont have his last name (after he insisted the baby be named after him) and he wants to tell the babys "sperm doner". I love him so much and dont want to lose him. Im so confused and scared..can some one help??? Please?<p>Princess
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Princess,<p>I think you need to understand a few things that your post doesn't seem to convey. Your H had his best friend betray him (that would be you), with two of his other friends. His W has a baby by one of those other men. Meanwhile, his W has not, for a variety of reasons, really been near him or with him for all but 5 months of marriage.<p>He is in the military, he is not with his W, and he cannot trust that she won't have more affairs.<p>So he is asking himself, why should he support and raise another man's child? Why and how could he trust his W? Does she really love me at all? Should I mortgage my future to raise this child with a woman that cheats on me?<p>Do you wonder why he may be changing his mind??? I am not trying to beat you down here. But if there is any hope for your marriage, something must change and so far the only changes have been for the worse. You are not with him, apparently you won't be with him although you could have been or could be. I would imagine he sees absolutely no hope, for this marriage and feels your interest in him is simply to get support from him for your child.<p>How are you going to convince him otherwise?? I don't know the answer, but I would strongly suggest you get and read two books. The first is "Surviving an Affair by Harley. If you cannot convince your H that you have learned from what you did and have changed, then I don't think you have a chance.<p>What you failed to understand, was that he was missing you as much as you were missing him, when you went out and had two affairs. It would seem from your post that you haven't mastered the concept of putting yourself in someone elses shoes. <p>Princess, whether your marriage makes it or not, you need to change how you view things or all of your future relationships are doomed as well. Please if you do nothing else, read here, and learn about marriages and how to make them work.<p>I hope that Tigger will come through and talk to you. She has some experience with you situation. I also hope that men like Pops, Hutch, K and others will post to you. I don't think you really appreciate how devastating your actions have been to your H.<p>Sorry, I could not be of more help, but some learning while you are here.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Princess,<p>Well, as JL has stated, I have been through a lot of what you are going through. My H is also in the military, and is gone at this moment. My 2 A's also happened while he was gone. He knew the guys, but they weren't necessarily his friends. I don't really have tons of time right now to get into everything, just wanted to let you know that I am sorting through all the differences to come up with some help, hopefully. <p>Tigger

Dear Princess,<p>Do you want your marriage? I know how difficult life with a military H can be. I am one of those here on this board who did it for many years.<p>Frequent moves due to the military are hard, but when a wife stays behind in the States on a move that she could have made with her husband, it gets a lot harder. Would you have been allowed to go with your husband? If you would have been allowed, how come you didn't? Oh wait...in rereading your post you say that you had complications. Is that pregnancy complications? Meaning that you couldn't have gotten proper medical care during your pregnancy at your husband's overseas station?<p>Have you read any of the materials on this whole Marriage Builders site? The Harleys have a specific theory of why and how happy marriages work--and living separated by thousands of miles isn't one of them. I advise you to read all the material on this site (not necessarily the chat/bulletin boards) but all the stuff written by the Harleys, including his question and answer section.<p>I think that Just Learning was right. Your husband has very little evidence to believe that you want this marriage and you and your husband had very little history behind you when you had your affairs. He doesn't have years of loving history to hold on to. <p>I think Mr. Princess has some very real concerns about accpeting paternity in a marriage that he might not think is going to work. It means that for the rest of his life, he will be paying about 21% of his income for a child that is not biologically his--whether the two of you stay together or not.<p>If paternity can be established, and the Other Man can be put on the hook for child support, you might have a better chance for keeping your marriage. Your husband can give the marriage another try w/o having eternal child support hanging over his head. He may learn to love your child and may grow into forgiving you and into the role of father to this child. Some men can do it, others cannot. I think that all units have someone who is assigned to give legal counsel even though he or she is not an attorney. I suggest that your husband contact this person or the legal service on his base to learn of his options.<p>You then need to carefully decide what you want in your life and what you want for your child. If you want your marriage, what are you willing to do to show your H that you are truly repentant and willing to drastically change your behavior?<p>I wish you all the best.<p>MJ<p>[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</p>