I've been away for awhile. H and I are living separately and conitnuing with D, but we are still working on our relationship in hopes of a reconciliation. We have been reading and talking a lot, but we have come to a stumbling block - OC. I have not found any articles here about how to best handle this situation and recover the marriage. Is it there? H is paying CS, but has NC. I still resent his paying CS because OW wants more, H does not want anything, he is certain OW plotted to conceive. I have told H many times, I could've recovered more easily if there were no OC, or if he had NOTHING to do with OC (including CS). I just don't know where we go from here. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS MY H HAD OC BY AN AFFAIR. WE DIDN'T SEPERATE WE STAYED TOGETHER WHICH NOW I WISH WE SHOULD OF. BECAUSE IT WAS SO HARD TO TRY AND GET OVER THE PROBLEM WITH HIM STILL HERE. I DIDN'T HAVE CHANCE TO THINK ALONE.I WAS DEVASTED WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS HAVING H CHILD. WE HAVE 3 OF OUR OWN. ANYWAY MY H WANTED TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE MORE THAN ANYTHING. I DID TO. HE WANTED TO SEE OC. AT FIRST I WAS REALLY HURT BUT I THOUGHT IF I SAID NO HE WOULD SECRETLY DO IT ANYWAY SO I AGREED THAT'S FINE. WHEN WE DO HAVE THE OC H DOES EVERYTHING FEEDING, BATHING , BOTTLES, GETTING UP, CHANGING DIAPERS,AND ANYTHING ELSE I WOULD DO FOR ONE OF MY CHILDREN. ALSO, THE OW DIDN'T TAKE H FOR CS WE GIVE HER $225.00 A MONTH THAT WAS OUR DECIONS OF HOW MUCH WE WOULD GIVE HER SINCE SHE DIDN'T TAKE H TO COURT.H GETS A MONEY ORDER OUT OF HIS MONEY ON THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.IF H HAS TO WORK EVEN HARDER THAN THAT IS WHAT HE GETS FOR DOING WHAT HE DID. MY THING IS DON'T MAKE IT EASY ON H IF THIS IS WHAT YOU ALL DECIDES TO DO.LET HIM STRESS HIS SELF OUT AND BELIEVE ME HE WILL I SEE IT AND I LOVE IT. DON'T GET ME WRONG THIS MIGHT NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE BUT IT WAS SOMETHING TO READ AND THINK ABOUT.

JustKay,<p>One of the "Oldies" just posted an email from Dr. Harley in regards to the marriage and contact w/OC. It is a very insightful message in just a few lines. Unfortunately, if the courts have been involved or even if they haven't, CS is an issue that will always be staring you in the face, unless xOW decides to get married, and have her H adopt the child. Unfortunately, there aren't enough OW out there who would do that, they enjoy their "paycheck" too much.<p>Anyway, just thought I'd let you know, in case you hadn't seen the thread yet.<p>Tigger

SweetC - Thank you for your input. I love to hear how others are actually getting through this. I understand completely about being apart. Part of the reason I continued to pursue the divorce was because I wanted to be alone and with the children and separate from H financially and let him decide on his own how he wanted to handle this situation. I was actually adjusting rather well until he began talk about a reconciliation. He was miserable and depressed and ashamed and I let him feel it! But it seems that going through this has made me feel closer to him and we're re-connected?!?! I have said I want to remain apart until all issues are discussed and settled and give ourselves time to live alone after the D is final. Part of that is my needing to trust him again and needing to know what I really want for myself and our kids. At this point, CS is not by court, it is an agreement between H and OW, so I don't know if court may come in the future.
Tigger - Thank you for the notice - I'm off to read!
JK