Brief synopsis of our story...<p>D-Day was in November because of a letter from Child Support Enforcement. H has a 5 year old daughter with OW...I knew nothing of any of it until the letter came. He had had minimal contact with the OC mostly to keep the OW from telling me or from asking for $$$$.<p>We have worked out a private agreement with OW and now have no contact with OW/OC.<p>My H has been wonderful, doing and saying all the right things.<p>I can't get past the sadness. I don't understand how this happened to us when we were happy the entire 19 years of our marriage, there were no signs of the A, and my H says there were no problems with us, it just happened because she made it obvious to him that she was available "whenever" he felt like coming by. He took her up on it a few times and the OC resulted.<p>I feel like dying, I feel like hurting my H. I want him to know what this pain feels like. I can't trust him nor can I trust my instincts because of the fact that he hid this for 6 YEARS!!<p>We've talked quite a bit, but lately H doesn't want to discuss it. I know his guilt level is high, but I need to get some closure on some of this. Today I just want to tell him what a SOB I think he is and how could he have done this to us!<p>We have 4 children, none of them know of the situation, although I'm sure they have felt some of the stress as well.<p>Please help me! I want to love my H again and I want to trust him without thinking that I never know what's going on. I just feel like we've lost so much and I didn't have a chance to defend what we had because I was "so out of the loop" without knowing.<p>Help me pull out of this dark hole...I don't think I can handle it much more. I just want to go away where I never have to think about it again!

m-mom,<p>"Fake it 'til you make it."<p>I'm sorry for you pain. <p>In all honesty, it sounds like your recovery is going great! The OVERWHELMING sad and mad feelings you have ARE normal! It's only been 3 months! <p>Perhaps you've heard that full recovery from affair takes 2 years, (and that's with no OC!). That doesn't mean you'll feel awful the whole two years... improvement is like two steps forward and one step back... the oddest things can trigger a "relapse".<p>You might like to read my "thoughts for newbies (again)" post--lots about recovery process and healing, not just from me.<p>Prayers and best wishes,
J--recovery 3+ years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Lord, <p>we hold up our friend Mariachimom, her marriage, and her children for your loving light and guidance. Your love will hold her close and Your victory in Christ will cover their pain. We will not let Evil will this battle! Let no one put asunder what You have brought together. We hold OC up to your light also, that You will provide all that OC needs. <p>Mariachimom, there is Lightness even in this dark and this time will pass away... Be gentle and kind with yourself and your family at this trying time.<p>Godbless,
J

MM<p>I am three years into a tenuous recovery and have healed fairly well. I go not only days, but weeks without thinking of the OC/OW or the affair. But, I do have relapses occasionally. And it has only been the past year and a half where my spouse has been able to talk to me about it without being defensive or giving me that tired old song that I "should be over it by now...let's just forget about it." As IF!<p>Somewhere I heard that in recovery, a wayward spouse's obligation to the betrayed spouse is to take the heat and listen as long as it takes for the betrayed spouse to 'get over it' and grieve because forgiveness and healing can't come until the betrayed spouse feels that sufficient remorse has been shown. <p>Read the posts Jenny told you about and keep posting your pain. It is better you bring and leave some of it here rather than give it all to your husband. He has to heal from his betrayals as well. He is ashamed and embarrassed and wishes more than anything to put it all behind him but he can't because there is an OC. It takes, time, MM...two to three years, so pray and learn to be patient and ask God to comfort and guide you. I will do the same.<p>We all know how you feel because we have all felt exactly as you do at one time or another early in our recovery. As long as your husband is truly and sincerely remorseful and you know deep within yourself he means it, then you can move forward and put this behind you as much as possible in time.<p>The OC issue is one that will never go away, but you can still survive it and your marriage can heal and grow.<p>Catnip =^^=

Jenny, thanks for your post and especially for holding me up in prayer! You're awesome!<p>Catnip, thanks too for your words of wisdom. I know it's not been long, I just didn't expect it to hurt so much!<p>I spent some time yesterday with our pastor's wife; she has a real gift of discernment. We talked quite a bit and then prayed and I felt much calmer. I had told her that I was tired of always being the one to "fix" everything, that I wanted my H to fix this one. I somehow feel like he owes me something, like I got "signed up for the wrong plan". I didn't ask for this, I didn't have a part in it, so why do I have to deal with it? (Just basically feeling sorry for myself, which isn't like me at all!)<p>Anyway, she gave me the analogy of Joshua fighting in the place of Moses and how the battle was actually won by God. I realized that what I was really saying was I didn't want to fight the fight, but I wanted the glory at the end! So I've agreed to keep fighting the battle, and allow God the glory of the victory!<p>So for now, I'm doing okay...and I guess I won't let those sad/mad moments bring me too far off the battlefield.<p>Thanks for being there!<p>Love,
Mariachimom

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Twiisty,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think exchanging e-mails would be great especially since our circumstances are so similar.<p>Do you go to counseling with or without your H?<p>mariachimom<p>--------------------<p>"...and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose!"<p>
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<hr></blockquote><p>Hey MM........I wanted to post an answer to this...
I do go to joint marriage counseling with my H as well as we both go individually to meet with her also.<p>She isn't really "secular" or "christian"...(she is "religious") and that is ok...I hold my own spiritually and she is bent on saving marriages...not destroying them! (lol!)<p>I will try to get my e-mail addy to you...how old are your children again?<p>I will catch you in a bit...gonna get Dinobon and curly-top off to school.....heh heh...no easy task when your 2 y.o. and 11 mos. old want your attention too.....<p>Catch ya later....
hugs,
Twiisty

MM,
Please know that I will be thinking of you also.
I also believed that my marriage of 26 years was solid. <p>Listen to Catnips advice, it was the exact advice my therapist gave me today. <p>"Somewhere I heard that in recovery, a wayward spouse's obligation to the betrayed spouse is to take the heat and listen as long as it takes for the betrayed spouse to 'get over it' and grieve because forgiveness and healing can't come until the betrayed spouse feels that sufficient remorse has been shown." <p>I reread Jenny's post for Newbies periodicall also on the stages of grieving. It helps. <p>Maybe I should also take Catnips advice and post more often the pain and negative feelings I experience daily, but I do have a very difficult time opening up. I hate to burden anyone with my problems, the counselor today had to work like heck to get me to open up, and yes it did feel good not to be judged. <p>Tina

Thanks again for all the advice and words of encouragement. I know we'll make it, if I just keep my cool around my H. Sometimes he just gets tired of having to "baby" me and believe me, I don't like being babied that much either.<p>I am just so NEEDY and I've never been like that before. I'm pretty self-assured and very firm in my faith in God, this has just blown me away and I haven't gotten used to the "new me". I don't think I'll ever be the same person again, but maybe I can be better. I know for sure that WE will be better.<p>Twiisty, my kids are older than yours (probably because I'm older than you!) They are 18, 15, 12, and 8. The oldest one is at college, although she's been coming home a lot. I'm not sure if she's worried about us or if she just truly misses us!<p>Thanks again everyone. I'm staying tough!<p>MM