My wife had an affair for 2 years before I found out. It was discovered in Aug. of last year, one month after she left him. My wife had emailed the ex-lover to break up, and when I found out later, she first told me it was only an emotional affair, so I emailed him and said I was glad that that was all it was. Later she confessed that she had sex with him, but the ex-lover doesn't know I know this. We are going to counseling.

We have a vacation house where my wife's ex-lover lives and he occasionally comes to our city because of friends he visits. We have taken the advice from one of the books, not to ever see this man again. We must pass his house when we go to the vacation house. If we go up to the vacation house, I'm afraid it will trigger something with my wife, or we might even see him in town someday and she's afraid she won't know what to say. The advice the counselor has for us is to write a letter to tell him that we are doing well so that he would not try to make any advances.

The counseler I think is giving wrong advice to write another letter. My wife doesn't know what she will do if she sees him somewhere or what she will say. I told her just to walk away. Any pointers on this one?

Hi Alan, welcome to Marriage Builders. It's so nice to hear that the two of you are working together to save your marriage.

Please post your message in one of the infidelity forums (probably General Questions II). Not only is there a lot more traffic over there, but that is where people who have been or are currently in a similar situation tend to post.

Take care,
Smile