I need to release some of my chaotic thoughts. My feelings this morning are running the gamut from supreme elation to painful sadness.

Our youngest son called for W (good thing) to tell her that his W is pregnant with their first child (another wonderful thing). I am so happy for them and I was ecstatic that he wanted to talk to his mother with the news.(This is very unusual for him to volunteer to talk to her at all.) He had called for her a few minutes before she got home from the fitness center, told me the news, swore me to secrecy and asked me to have her call him about another matter as a cover story. I watched for her reaction feeling like a kid in a candy store just bursting with excitement. What I saw was a pleasant surprise in her but less than the enthusiastic response I had anticipated. After she got off of the phone we talked and she unintentionally burst my bubble by saying that it won&#8217;t be the same as our first grandchild for many reasons. One they won&#8217;t allow us to see it as often as we would like, two the son&#8217;s MIL will monopolize their time, and finally she doesn&#8217;t feel welcome in their home. <p>This pessimistic view is a complete reversal of our roles in the past. Formerly I was much more of a half-empty person and seeing her adopt this persona recently, especially in this instance, is a real shock to me. I could see nothing but good for her and she saw mostly bad. I am guessing that this is a part of her healing and her self-esteem is at an all time low. God, how I want her bubbly self back, after all it was one of the things that attracted me to her over 43 years ago.

It is hard for me knowing that this grandchild will have none of my genetic characteristics and the possibility that even I could be kept from this simple joy. I keep having recurring thoughts of MIL attempting to drive a wedge between our son and us, since she is really a controlling and unbelievably shallow woman and this will be her first grandchild. Her logic is that my W is a bad influence and I am not really my son's father, there is no reason to share the child with us. I have seen her in action before so this is not just paranoia on my part. I could feel some of it when we were together on Christmas Eve. <p>Anything that makes me think of our youngest son still opens up wounds in my psyche. They don&#8217;t seem to be as strong but they are still there. I like to think that instead of putting the uncomfortable memories into drawers, they are pinned to an old pulley clothesline and pulled far out of sight but once in a while I drag some of them back in to see if they are still there. At least the line seems to get longer as the time passes and it takes more to make me want to make the effort to retrieve them.<p>W and I are doing well in all other areas that don&#8217;t include our sons, so that is a blessing.
Thanks for letting me unload for a while.<p>God Bless<p>Usedlongago

ULA,<p>I obviously don't have any real experience in this matter as my children aren't married much less expecting a child. But, I do have family members with in-laws that sound similar to yours.<p>Here are my thoughts on this. I think what needs to happen is that you, your W, your son, and DIL need to sit down and talk. ULA, you are your sons father; all that he is and knows you have shown and taught him. How he will be as a father is a direct result of your fathering of him. That grandchild will be strongly affected by what you have done in your life.<p>Please remember this.<p>Further, your W is your sons Mother and while what she did to you and her family is reprehensible, it doesn't change the fact that she helped raise the boy that DIL married. Hence, her role in this is also sealed. It is very likely your sons choice of a W was/is strongly affected by your W.<p>So in my mind the discussion should be one where you 4 agree as to your role in the Grandchilds life. They need to understand YOUR desire to be a Grandfather to the child. They also need to understand that you understand that MIL will want a dominate role. Agree not to fight her on this, but hopefully the four of you can agree on how to make this work without a war or being shut out.<p>Finally, talk with your W. Tell what you are thinking and why. Decide what role you two would like to play and what you will accept. Become united in your feelings on this matter, use POJA. Then talk with son and DIL.<p>I think this can be worked out. Just remember one thing ULA. Your son is going to be a father based on how you trained him to be a father. He is your son in many ways and those are the ways that count: behavior, attitude, approach, kindness.<p>Hang in there and congratulations on the new Grandchild.<p>God Bless,<p>JL